Gnomy tells all: stories from his lifetimes throughout the universes

I spent far too much time working at short, unimportant assignments once I finished on Kepler 5. I just couldn’t seem to get myself set up for a better job. Apparently working on the unsuccessful dinosaur project and questionable Garden of Eden project was a detriment to my career. Fortunately Kepler 5 had been successful, except that I left before it ended.

Looking for something a little different to try, I signed up to be a shuttle pilot. There was a temporary shortage of pilots to transport intergalactic dignitaries from their hotels to various high level meetings taking place throughout the sector. I thought, why not? Maybe I’ll meet someone important and they will recommend me for something more challenging.

I was assigned to transport a VIP council member onto an asteroid-damaged planet that was in the middle of a major restoration. The VIP was to attend a routine inspection tour that had been set up to confirm that work contracts were being completed correctly. All in a day’s work for both of us.

Yes, this was a very basic piloting task, so it should have gone well. I merely needed to use a small space shuttle to pick up and drop off the bureaucrat. The VIP official was a humanoid named Rep Beezle, and I think under other circumstances she might have been quite a pleasant person.

Bear in mind that I am used to teleporting instantly to wherever I need to go. This means I wasn’t very familiar with spaceships, or interplanetary travel networks, or even what the local stars should look like as we flew past.

I did study the routes ahead of time and thought I programmed them into the navigation system correctly. However, back in those early days the systems were not sufficiently advanced to catch subtle user errors.

I like to think … no, to be honest, I have actually been told … I helped advance those systems significantly.

My first error was to select the wrong branch of the multi-dividing Verux Galaxy wormhole. After missing the correct Branch One and speeding through Branch Two of the wormhole, I then compounded the error by hurling us through the Naresh Wormhole Local instead of the Nasheer Wormhole Minor.

By the time I realized my mistakes, we had ended up at the First Moon of Pi 3 instead of the planet called Pi Infinite 3, where we were meant to meet the inspection group.

The shuttle gently set itself down on the flight dock, a task that I had managed to program correctly.

At this point, I could see that we had obviously landed at the wrong location. However, I was frozen with shock. I let Rep Beezle open the hatch and step out of her closed compartment into a desolate and dusty landscape. Rep Beezle turned to look at me. Her glare was enough to send me scurrying to find out where exactly we were.

I could see that we had set down at an empty space dock, with sand and scrubby wind-blasted pine barrens all around us. It was just sand and grass and stunted trees. Fortunately, we had arrived between sandstorms, so we were safe standing outside. The glaring sun and extreme heat knocked us back a bit, but at least the oxygen levels were adequate.

I finally noticed a group of workers nearby among the trees. I hastened over to find out who they were, where we were, and how to get out of there.

It turns out that the First Moon of Pi 3 was a sap moon, and the dozen or so workers were part of a sap crew. Sap crews visited various locations throughout many universes, searching for rare saps which they sold as delicacies. They were easily able to give me proper directions.

I hurried back to the shuttle and was pleased to tell Rep Beezle that I knew where we were and how we went wrong. I’d have us at the correct Pi location in no time.

We turned to the open door of the shuttle but it closed in our faces. The shuttle rushed off without us. We were left standing alone on the dock, a parting breeze in our faces.

Rep Beezle gave me a death glare and told me to fix this now.

Utilizing maps and a wormhole schedule, I figured out what happened. The wormhole we had used was not a permanent wormhole. Instead, it was a regularly repeating wormhole. The shuttle had been programmed to return to its original base before the wormhole closed if no one was on board. It had simply followed instructions.

Of course, as a gnome I could have instantly teleported off the pine barrens moon, but Rep Beezle could not. I had to stay with her and request an official VIP shuttle on an ASAP basis.

We had to wait on that moon for four of its days, until the wormhole opened up again.

Luckily, the sap workers were delighted to have company. They were a rough and rowdy crew but friendly and hospitable with food and drink. Since these are the basic requirements for a fun party, even Rep Beezle had to admit we had some enjoyable evenings during our visit.

I spent my days hiking around the area and inspecting the local plants and animals. It was the best way to avoid Rep Beezle and her simmering wrath. It was also an excellent opportunity to see if I could somehow find a glorious new scientific finding, anything at all, to mitigate the humiliation I knew was waiting for me when we got back.

I only salvaged my future gnome career because that desperate strategy worked.

I found a colony of Wengalese Zebras in a savannah area on the opposite side of the moon, peacefully chewing on long grasses. This was a sensational find.

The zebras on this moon were the identical zebras found on the planet Wengala in a neighboring dimension. It was the first proof that animals can travel through dimensions when the boundaries between those dimensions were particularly close and the energies similar. This had been widely speculated but not verified.

I took some holographic photos of the attractive zebras and their even more attractive babies. I also got some video footage of a gateway to the next dimension opening up before it gradually drifted away again. The zebras could be seen traveling through the opening with a nonchalance that showed they clearly walked to Wengala on a regular basis.

Zebras walking through gateways to other dimensions made a popular headline across multiple news outlets in the following weeks. The holographic photos of the Wengalese zebras were widely downloaded.

I even gave a few interviews about my findings. I did not mention getting lost nor did I mention Rep Beezle, who made clear that she did not want to be associated with me in any way. That was fine with me. I was happy to avoid sharing my newfound celebrity fame with her.

Obviously, the planetary council could not fire a pioneering researcher who made such an important discovery. I kept my job and managed to redeem myself in later projects. I think they must have put a big red note somewhere in my file, because none of my projects involved working as a shuttle pilot ever again.