Glitch Slapped

Sam Walker was an asshole. No, scratch that...Sam was the asshole. The kind of guy who made babies cry with his sarcasm, turned coworkers into therapy-goers with his “brutal honesty,” and took great pride in his ability to ruin someone’s day without even trying. To Sam, it wasn’t about being liked; it was about being right. And right now, Sam was right where he wanted to be: on his couch, jobless, pants-less, and gloriously alone in his crumbling temple of pizza boxes, dirty laundry, and the stale stench of an unventilated man-cave.

To be fair, Sam hadn’t always been this much of a shithead. Life just kind of wore him down. But then again, maybe it was always in him, just waiting for the perfect combination of unemployment and too many hours spent in online forums calling strangers “mentally deficient troglodytes” for misplaying their characters in MMOs. He hadn’t been employed for a full month...kicked out of his last job after what HR referred to as “an entirely inappropriate use of the phrase ‘stick it up your ass’” on a customer service call. It wasn’t his fault the idiot on the other end didn’t know how to reset their router.

So here he was, surrounded by the wreckage of his past life and the cold embrace of his true love...video games. The virtual world was where Sam thrived, where his assholery could be fully appreciated by teenagers halfway across the world who took his trash talk to heart. If his neighbors hadn’t already reported him for yelling at the screen, they were probably just biding their time. Sam took another sip of his energy drink...a revolting concoction designed to taste like battery acid mixed with regret...and leaned back into the sticky embrace of his couch, prepared to lose another afternoon to digital carnage.

“Damn it!” Sam shouted as his character on the screen was sniped for the fourth time in five minutes. “Learn to aim, you useless fuck!” The controller creaked under the pressure of his grip. Sam’s jaw clenched, and he was about two seconds away from rage-quitting when the doorbell rang.

He blinked. The doorbell? Who the hell rings doorbells in this day and age? It wasn’t pizza delivery time, and if it was one of those goddamn charity kids again, he’d need a new porch to go with the new personality he’d chew off their pre-teen ears.

With a deep sigh and an equally deep hatred for whoever was ruining his peaceful afternoon, Sam rolled off the couch like a beached whale and made his way to the door. He yanked it open, already prepared to verbally eviscerate whoever was on the other side, only to find… no one.

The only thing there was a small brown package sitting on his doorstep. Sam frowned. He hadn’t ordered anything. Definitely didn’t have the budget for impulse buys these days, what with being out of work and all. He glanced around, half expecting to see some delivery guy hiding behind a bush for the prank, but the hallway was empty. Sam picked up the box. It was lightweight, almost too light, like there was nothing inside. A plain sticker slapped on top caught his eye: Congrats on winning! Try our new game...Beta-Brain.

“‘Congrats,’ huh?” Sam muttered, eyebrow raised. He hadn’t signed up for any contests. Probably some dumb marketing gimmick. But hey, free shit was free shit. Plus, “FPS”...Federal Parcel Services...had delivered it, so it had to be legit, right? Because everyone trusted government-approved delivery services, or whatever they were.

With zero caution (and even less common sense), Sam tore into the package. Inside was a sleek, futuristic-looking VR headset. The kind of high-end tech he usually only saw in clickbait YouTube videos with titles like “Top 10 VR Systems You’ll Never Afford!” It was slick...shiny black with neon blue accents along the edges, practically begging to be slapped on his head.

No instructions, no branding, nothing else. Just the headset. Sam turned it over a few times, half-expecting to find a hidden catch, but nope. Just a card that read: Enjoy.

“Well, it’s not like I’ve got anything better to do,” Sam said to the empty room. He couldn’t deny the allure. As soon as the headset was in his hands, he felt that itch...the familiar pull of something new, something exciting. It’s not every day someone gets a free piece of next-gen tech, right?

He powered the thing up, and before he knew it, the headset’s screen flashed to life. It took less than a minute to set up. There was a brief moment of darkness, a little vertigo as the world around him blurred, and then...bam. He was in.

Sam blinked and found himself standing in the middle of a dense, lush forest. The level of detail was mind-blowing. Leaves rustled overhead in the virtual breeze, casting moving shadows on the forest floor. Every blade of grass, every branch, every tiny bug crawling on a rock looked like something straight out of real life.

“Holy shit,” Sam muttered, awestruck. He’d seen his fair share of VR games, but this? This was on another level entirely. It wasn’t just immersive...it was like he had actually been teleported into another world. He could feel the soft dirt under his boots. The air was cool and crisp against his skin. He even swore he caught the scent of pine. His gamer heart thudded in his chest, excitement coursing through him like pure, uncut adrenaline.

“I could get used to this,” Sam muttered, taking a few steps forward. “I might never leave.”

He moved his hand, expecting a menu or HUD to pop up, but there was nothing. No UI. No map. No health bar. Just… forest.

“Okay,” Sam said slowly. “Maybe the HUD’s not a thing yet. It’s beta, right? Bound to have a few bugs.”

But as he walked deeper into the forest, something caught his eye...something that didn’t quite belong. There, about twenty feet ahead, was a tree. Only, this tree wasn’t growing out of the ground like it should have been. No, this tree was floating. Upside-down. Its roots pointed toward the sky like the world’s saddest attempt at abstract art.

“What the hell?” Sam walked up to it, squinting as if his eyes were playing tricks on him. But no. It was definitely a tree, and it was definitely floating.

Sam blinked. “Uh… is this supposed to happen?”

He reached out to touch it, half-expecting the thing to correct itself, but nothing happened. The tree stayed right where it was...just floating there, defying all logic and physics like it owned the place.

"Okay, what in the unholy fuck is going on here?"

Sam took a step back, suddenly feeling the unease creep up his spine. This didn’t feel like a simple bug. No, something was off. Way off. It wasn’t just the tree. It was everything. The more he looked around, the more it hit him...he wasn’t just in some game. It was too real. Way too real.

The ground beneath his feet wasn’t simulated. It felt like earth, and the chill in the air wasn’t some clever in-game mechanic. It was real air, biting at his skin.

“Wait… this can’t be right.” Sam’s breath quickened as he waved his hands in front of his face, expecting to see the familiar outline of a HUD pop up. Nothing. He tried again, more frantically this time. “Log out… log out!”

Nothing happened.

Panic started to bubble up in his chest. He ripped the headset off...or tried to. His hands fumbled, touching nothing but the empty space where the headset should have been. It wasn’t there. He looked down at his body. His hands, his arms, his clothes...they were all there, real as anything else. Too real.

“Shit,” Sam muttered, his heart racing. “What the hell is going on? Am I actually in the game? Like… in it?”

This wasn’t just some VR simulation. This was different. This was wrong.

“What the hell did I just sign up for?”

And that’s when he heard the voice.

“Well, well, well. Look who’s finally catching on.”

Sam whipped around, eyes wide. “Who said that?!”

“I did, dumbass,” the voice drawled, thick with sarcasm.

Sam glanced down, and that’s when he saw it...a brown leather bag hanging from his side, the zipper moving like a mouth as it spoke. “Holy...what the hell?!” Sam shouted, stumbling back. “The bag’s talking?!”

“Yeah, no shit,” the bag replied, sounding bored. “I’m your inventory, genius. Name’s Glitch. Looks like you’re stuck here, so get used to it.”

Sam stared in disbelief. “I’m stuck? Like… stuck stuck?”

Glitch zipped open and closed, which Sam took as the bag equivalent of a shrug. “Seems like it, buddy. Welcome to Beta-Brain, where everything’s broken and nothing makes sense. Good luck, you’ll need it.”

Sam swallowed hard, the weight of his situation finally sinking in. This wasn’t just a game anymore. This was a goddamn nightmare.