Firstborn of the Frontier

Never again.

A vow Sarah Jay made in her heart as she laid her head on the cool clay tile floor while waiting for the room to stop spinning. Never again would she drink to such excess. Hardly seemed like a lot in retrospect, like 5 or 6 glasses over the course of the night. She'd seen Oswald slam that many back in a half hour flat without slowing down none. He wasn't that much bigger than her, not in height at least, and in fact was even a little shorter ever since she hit an even 6 feet tall. Sure he was wider, but flabbier too, as she was in the best shape of her life after a full year of Ranger training while he was a drunk lush who's exercise regimen consisted of walking between work, the bar, and home each and every day.

So how come she couldn't stop throwing up even though there wasn't nothing left to upchuck?

"C'mon now darlin'," Tina cooed, and Sarah Jay smiled to hear the other girl's soft, mothering tone, modelled after Aunty Ray's and perfected over years and years of practice with Chrissy. "Let's get your pretty head off the dirty bathroom floor." She had a soft and gentle touch, with all her farmgirl muscles hidden under a padding of soft flesh, giving Tina a soft and feminine figure despite being just as strong as Sarah Jay with her toned and athletic build. The other girl had no trouble hoisting her up off the floor as gentle as can be, where she lay her arm on the toilet seat and rested her head overtop it. It'd been wiped down and flushed after her last bout of vomiting, so it was only slightly better than the floor, but she wasn't all that concerned about cleanliness at the moment.

"I threw up on Howie," she said, closing her eyes real tight in an effort to banish the memory and maybe see if that would make her feel any better. It did the opposite, because at least with her eyes open she could tell that she wasn't actually spinning about, so she opened them again and repeated herself. "Yakked all over him while he was sittin' in his chair."

There was a pause before Tina answered, and drunk as Sarah Jay was, she could still tell that the other girl was doing her damnedest not to laugh. "You sure did," Tina said, her voice straining to sound cheery and supportive without spilling over into comical, and Sarah Jay loved the girl for trying. Loved her even more as she wiped her down with a warm washcloth. "It's alright though. I'm sure Howie's been covered in worse and won't hold it against you."

Sarah Jay sure hoped so. At least she'd broken off their kiss before throwing up, though one had nothing to do with the other. She'd wanted to kiss him, had gone downstairs to do just that and a whole lot more, but the drink was purging her of everything she'd eaten in the last week. Terrible timing that, and it made her feel lower than a snake's belly because who'd want a gal who done vomited all over them? Especially when what came out was so foul and atrocious even Sarah Jay herself could barely stand the smell. Howie though? He endured it long enough to clean his recliner before heading upstairs to shower and change.

After leaving Sarah Jay in Tina's care of course, because he was thoughtful like that. Tried to play it off like he didn't care about no one and nothing, but Howie was awful considerate when he wanted to be. Sure, he was a little socially awkward at times, but that meant he tried even harder than most when it came to being social. Showed in how he had a different sort of greeting tailored for each of his friends, and how he made an effort to ask about each of their plans for the future and chime in with some advice. Even said they could come live here if they was interested, except most were headed out into the Frontier to where their skills would be needed most.

Which in Sarah Jay's case meant Meadowbrook, where she'd likely spend more time doing paperwork for Captain Hayes and mediating disputes in town instead of learning how to sharpshoot from the Revenant himself. That's what she heard through the grapevine at least, and while Sarah Jay thought Meadowbrook was right cozy and a pleasant place to settle down, she hadn't joined the Rangers to be a pencil pushing secretary. She wanted to fight Abby, hunt outlaws, and do her part to secure the Blue Bulwark and the Frontier in general. Most of all, she wanted to track down the Proggie nest spawning all them Harpies and put it to rest for good, but she wouldn't be doing none of that if all she was stuck doing clerical work up in Meadowbrook.

Wasn't like it was an easy gig or anything. Fact is, it was the opposite, but not for the right reasons. Meadowbrook had some of the lowest Abby activity all along the Blue Bulwark due to its location, what with it being at the furthest corner of the badlands and even farther from the Divide than Nakoda to the North if you measured as the crow flies. Most their trouble came from bandits and outlaws crossing the borders between Métis, Federation, and Independent territories to wreak havoc and whatnot, but wasn't the Rangers taking point on that. Was Sheriff Glover, and aged though the man might be, he'd trained himself up a crack team of man-hunting deputies who only rarely had to call in the Rangers for backup.

In reality, the Rangers of Meadowbrook were there to police the shared border to the north where taxes and tariffs needed to be levied on all wagons coming and going from the gates. Most of which were from Prosperity Hills to the west, where the Métis mining settlement hired on a good number of the townsfolk and brung with it a whole host of issues the IRS expected the Rangers to keep tabs on. Was silly that, using the tip of the spear to log wages and expenditures of miners working for a foreign company, but taxes were the lifesblood of the Federation, and Rangers were Federal workers after all.

So that was her fate then, decided by the higher ups who thought she could learn a thing or two from the Revenant. All good and well except they failed to account for the fact that he was humping a desk rather than patrolling the badlands where a dead-eye shot like him could do some real work. They'd planned to send Errol up there too apparently, until he decided to follow God's plan to join the Templars that is. Didn't even ask her what she thought, just made the decision and told her that's how it was, like he was planning on leaving her even if she chased after his heels like a marty with a bone to pick.

And the worst part was? If he'd framed it differently, presented their options in a better way and talked to her about it like they was in this together, then she might well have gone along with him instead. For a third time, mind you, because that's how much she loved him, but that didn't matter because he loved God more. Made himself sound so noble and virtuous, how he was willing to give up on what they had if that was what she wanted, like she was the one who done forced a decision upon him and not the other way around. That's what burned the most, how he presented things like he still loved her but there was no life for them together if he joined the Templars. Not that he came right out and said it like that, but he implied it because the Templars only wanted him, while she was just an afterthought that hadn't even been all that thought out. He didn't have no answers for her when she asked what she'd be doing down at Redeemer's Keep, or if they even had work or training for someone like her. Made it clear as day that he hadn't even thought to ask on her behalf during his one on one with the Preacher of the Flames, Knight Captain James Rigsby.

Who Sarah Jay would've loved to train under, or at the very least fight alongside. Not to say that she was upset about Mentoring under the Revenant, but Captain Hayes had a reputation as something of a maverick who gave most his duties a wide berth unless it involved killing Abby or outlaws. During the whole trip up to Pleasant Dunes, he did only what was expressly asked of him, and only when Captain Jung did the asking. Hardly the sort of person you wanted teaching you the ins and outs of being a Ranger, because if he decided Sarah Jay was more valuable parked behind a desk as opposed to out in the field, then she wouldn't be no better than those Gravy Seal city guards who thought they was hot shit just because they had a gun and a job.

Like that guard Dave who drew down on Howie while he was having a conversation with Noora. A break up conversation at that, as it was no secret that Danny had been playing middleman for Tina who was trying to help out without understanding anything of anything involved. Sweet girl that she was, she didn't understand that Noora was done with Howie and New Hope in general, not that anyone could blame her. She'd left Pleasant Dunes on the promise of safety and security, only to learn that there wasn't no one who could just give her that. No, she had to fight for it, and while sticking with Howie might well have been a good way to get a leg up, Noora wasn't the type to let someone else make all the decisions for her.

Which is what Howie would've done, because that's just who he was. Plus, his decisions were probably the right ones, or at least you couldn't got too wrong if you followed his lead, and when it did, it wasn't really his fault. Was wrong for everyone to come together and Exile him just for clearing Brightpick of criminals. A damn shame too. The world could use more like Howie and less like the Puglianos, but the people of New Hope had spoken and told the world that they'd rather have full on criminal mafiosos as neighbours instead of desperados upholding Frontier Justice. Really said a lot about the common townie's perspective, one Sarah Jay just could not wrap her head around.

Made life difficult it did, because Mama was as townie as it gets and still saw Sarah Jay as her precious little angel. Didn't matter that Sarah Jay was the one who got them in a new home away from Oswald and even stopped him from coming over to 'visit', or that she was the main breadwinner now that the Rangers were paying her. She'd always be Mama's little angel, and she didn't mind that, except she was also somehow the pillar of the family too and couldn't possibly go on with being a Ranger since it meant leaving them here in New Hope to 'fend for themselves'. Aggravating is what that was, but there was no getting through to Mama's head that it was safe as could be over in New Hope. Never mind that Howie had singlehandedly seen off a Harpy attack all by his lonesome earlier this Spring; all Mama could remember was how her poor precious angel had gotten caught up in a horrific attack, as if Howie himself had called those Harpies in just to put Sarah Jay in danger.

Was so much easier when she was playing the rebel who done run away from home to sign on with the Rangers. You needed parental permission to get into Basic, but she'd forged Mama's signature and no one ever looked into it. Wouldn't even matter in two weeks, as by then, Sarah Jay would be 18 and an adult in the eyes of the law, more than old enough to enlist without Mama's say so. Problem was, now Sarah Jay wasn't so sure she still wanted to on account of Errol leaving left for the Templars and her getting sent up to Meadowbrook to play secretary for the Revenant. Things had seemed so simple just a year ago, when she'd had enough of Oswald's leers and 'fatherly' hugs and marched right on out the house and caught a boat to New Hope. Sent a letter home with one of the neighbours she ran into once she was here, then signed on for Basic right then and there.

And from that day onwards, Sarah Jay learned the taste of freedom and wouldn't ever forget it.

Wasn't that she resented helping Mama out with the bills, or walking Mary Anne to her music lessons and making sure little Jimmy did all his homework right. That was part and parcel of being the oldest, a facet of her life ever since Mary Ann popped out of the womb and Sarah Jay became a big sister. She didn't mind being the responsible one who always played by the rules and made sure no one stepped out of line while Mama and Papa were busy at work all day, but that didn't mean she loved it. That's just what you do for family, and for years, Sarah Jay did it all, until that one fateful day when she walked away and didn't have to do any of it anymore.

Which was, in a word, liberating. With that one decision, she became the architect of her own path, able to dictate what she would do at any given moment without having to worry about what others were doing in the interim. She could wake up early and go about her day, or sleep in without having to worry about making lunch for everyone to bring to school. There wasn't nothing stopping her from staying up late to study, or cutting herself some slack and going out for an evening stroll instead of going to bed so as not to disturb Mary Ann or worry about what sort of trouble little Jimmy might get into if he wanted to tag along. For the first time in her entire life, Sarah Jay was free to do what she wanted, and even though all she wanted to do was be a good boot and get through basic with top marks, it was now her choice to play the part of little angel, which made all the difference in the world.

So when Errol was washed out for breaking Richard's jaw and wrist, Sarah Jay didn't even have to think twice about leaving with him. And she might well have left with him again for Redeemer's Keep, except he didn't give her much say in the matter, prattling on about how this was God's plan and how he'd understand if she didn't understand. She didn't of course, but that didn't mean she'd drop him like a sack of potates, except he seemed to think otherwise. He thought she wouldn't go along with him to join the Knights Templar, and yet decided to go along all the same. That's what irked her the most, the fact that one, he thought she wouldn't be ready to ride or die alongside him, and two, that he was perfectly fine with parting ways just like that.

Didn't even give her the choice, which pretty much made her decision, didn't it? Except she didn't decide, because the decision had been made for her, as there wasn't no point in tagging along if she wasn't wanted. Couldn't even say where things went wrong, because even though she was angry enough to spit hot fire, she thought things had been so good before being blindsided by his decision. She couldn't even lie and say she wouldn't take him back if he showed up on her doorstep right this second. Almost missed him enough to run after him too, but her pride wouldn't allow it, because if she didn't figure into what he thought was God's plan, then she wasn't about to beg him for nothing.

Then she got here and saw Howie, looking all neat and tidy as usual. He'd lost weight and had more of a dark edge to him as he moved around with obvious stiffness and fatigue, but otherwise was the same old Howie as before. Well that wasn't entirely true, because even though he was a touch colder and more reserved than before, he was much less self-conscious about being sweet with Chrissy, Tina, and even Elodie. Between hugging and twirling his sorta sisters and the way he hunkered down next to Elodie and took her concerns all serious as can be, it showed that underneath his hard and dangerous exterior was a man who was soft as molasses and sweet as sugar.

And Sarah Jay wanted some of that sweetness for herself, so she got herself a taste. Or at least tried to until she threw up all over him. Say one thing about Cognac, but it was just as sweet coming up as it was going down, only far less pleasant on the return trip.

Speaking of sweet, Howie tasted even sweeter than she thought. Their kiss had been fiery and passionate, full of hunger and yearning both tender and animalistic as his hands wandered up under her shirt without so much as a how you do, but even then, he found it in him to break things off and tell her that it wasn't right because she was drunk. Hands. Strange that, as she could swear she felt two roaming across her body, even though one was clearly a prosthetic. A fixed wooden one at that, not even an articulating Automaton, so Sarah Jay must've still been drunker than she thought.

Just six cups of Cognac. Maybe seven. That's all it was, so how could it wreak so much havoc on her stomach like this? She'd thrown up after dinner and felt fine afterwards, but all the movement while straddled atop Howie had made her stomach churn, and that was all she wrote. He was probably up in the shower scrubbing himself clean of all the vomit and wanting nothing to do with Sarah Jay ever again. Maybe she ought to head up there and join him, make it up to him and change his mind as it were. Was a good idea, a great one even, except she didn't have it in her to even lift her head, much less push herself to her feet and climb a whole flight of stairs. A real shame that, because she could use a shower herself, even though Howie used Prestidigitation to get her most of the way clean before passing her off.

While still covered in vomit mind you. Sarah Jay, the recliner, the carpet, then himself, that was his priority list when it came to cleaning up. That's what made him such a great guy. Sarah Jay played the part of older sibling because she didn't have no other choice; Howie though? He embraced the role, relished it even, always happy to give some advice and help out wherever he could, because he was the Firstborn and that's what he did.

All of which Sarah Jay shared with Tina. Well, most of it. Didn't share that bit about heading up to join Howie in the shower, because that would be weird. Even if their relationship wasn't like what all the other kids and even more adults thought, they was still sorta-siblings, so wasn't no call to tell Tina how she wanted to jump her brother's bones. Well, not really, because Sarah Jay didn't feel up to sitting upright, much less jumping anything at all right this minute, but either way, best to keep that particular desire to herself for now. Least she hoped she did, but she wasn't really sure what she'd said out loud and what she'd said in her head, because there were times when she thought she was speaking and turned out was just thinking, so wouldn't be out of the question for the reverse to happen too.

Thankfully, Sarah Jay didn't have to watch her tongue for all that long, because Howie showed up soon enough. Carrying two kiccaws wrapped in his arms no less, and one fluffy white Inari who looked snug and satisfied as could be curled up against his chest. "Look who I snagged," Howie said, grinning for all he was worth. "They snuck out with Chrissy and Elodie when they came out to see what's what, and I grabbed these darlings up before they could head back in." The fox and one of the kiccaws looked pleased as peach, while the other kiccaw was frowning something fierce while wiggling all about in a valiant effort to escape Howie's hands. Rough and textured hands, with a warm and gentle touch. Dextrous too, as he'd slipped his hand under her shirt and unbuttoned it almost all the way up in an instant, which was really something.

You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.

Sarah Jay almost envied Inari as Howie held her like a baby and rubbed her belly. Made her wonder if Kacey was awake and sharing senses with the Familiar, though that would be real weird. Course that wouldn't happen, as Kacey was strait laced as could be and fully in control of the sharing of senses, but Inari just looked so happy in Howie's arms that Sarah Jay wanted to know what that was like.

The angry bird wasn't having none of it though, so Howie let the grumpy kiccaw go free. "Fine then Frowny," he said, gently placing the struggling beastie down in Tina's lap. "I'll keep Stella and Inari then." At the sound of their names, the sleepy bird and smug fox both lifted their heads off of Howie's chest, and Sarah Jay envied them both as he gave them each a gentle kiss on the forehead. Darling is what that was, utterly heartwarming as could be, because wasn't nothing like seeing a big strong man be all sweet and cuddly with an animal.

That's what drew her to Errol too, seeing how good he was with horses. First time she saw him, she mistook him for a stable hand because he was in a stall talking soft with a stubborn mare that wasn't have none of it. Not just for a minute either, because she saw him there again the next morning. Found out after the fact that the horse had thrown two Rangers already and there was talk of turning her to glue, but Errol overheard and spent the night in the stable with the horse to show her that she could trust people. Was that sort of thing that made Sarah Jay weak in the knees, but rather than burn hot with passion like she usually would, she just got all sad a weepy to see it here today.

Reaching up to grab her pendant, she held it tight and thought of all the memories that came with it. She'd had it made to hold the Ablative Armour Spell Core they'd harvested off them gobbos during their first trip out into the dunes. Where did it all go wrong? Things had been looking up when the three of them set out for the Coral Desert, just Sarah Jay, Errol, and Howie. Their future had been bright and limitless as could be, the Firstborn and his Frontier-born, the first three to a full-on crew that would make their fortunes together hunting Abby and outlaws alike. Now, some nine months later, Sarah Jay was sobbing on a bathroom floor, drunk as a skunk because her man done left her, she'd thrown up all over her crush, and was destined to be deskbound for the next year or three at the very least.

"It's alright," Tina cooed, coming in for a hug with the round bird in her arms. Frowny even gave her a little love peck on the way in, except in retrospect, Sarah Jay realized it was an actual attack peck with no real power behind it because them kiccaws had the jaw strength of a wet noodle.

Which for some reason made her cry all the harder. "Oh, look at Frowny," she sobbed, not because the bird was biting her, but because it was so darned cute with his angry little face and thick, slanted brows that she just couldn't contain herself. "He's so adorable with his little beak and cute angry pecks… I lovehimsomuch!"

The last was said as she buried her face in the kiccaw's soft feathers, after pulling him into her embrace first of course. Stopped his nipping though, so she just cuddled him close as he squirmed in her arms and cried some more until she started dry heaving again. That's when Tina took the sweet bird away, which made Sarah Jay cry even harder as Frowny wiggled for all his worth in an effort to get away and hug her again, but the other woman wouldn't allow it. "Oh he likes you," Tina said, only to cruelly put Frowny aside. The bird wasn't having it though, as he jumped on down and hopscotched over only to be picked up and set aside again. "He really likes you," Tina amended, gently shifting the bird aside while directing Sarah Jay to face the toilet bowl once more, just in time for her to unload what little was left in her belly.

Most of which was water and deathly unpleasant to upchuck, not that throwing up solids was any fun either. On the bright side, soon as she was done heaving, Tina deposited Frowny in Sarah Jay's lap again and the round bird immediately stuffed his beaky face onto her chest. She was hoping to have Howie do that earlier on, introduce him to the girls as it were, but she would settle for the bird since she couldn't seem to keep anything down. Least Howie wasn't around to see this, having gone and made himself scarce after dropping the bird off, without so much as a 'how you do' for Sarah Jay. Was only deserved, but it still hurt to know she'd gone and blown her chances with the Firstborn too.

What was it with her and scaring men off? Was it because she was too tall at 6 foot nothing? Too mannish with her broad shoulders and toned biceps? Or too forward and aggressive? Something she done must have scared Errol off, because he done gone and made up his mind that she wasn't gonna go with him before even asking if she would. Why would he do that? Why wouldn't he just come to her and talk it out, say that he wanted to join the Templars and that he wanted her to come with him? She wasn't sure if she would've gone, but she wasn't certain she wouldn't either, so who could really say? Mama wasn't Catholic, more of a lapsed Protestant who kept the label because there didn't seem to be any point in changing it, but she might've considered settling down in Redeemer's Keep since it was all nice and protected up the side of a mountain that was supposed to have their mining operations underway any time now. They had good schools for little Jimmy and Mary Anny, was situated in an outside corner of the Divide so it would probably see less attacks than the other fortress towns, and most importantly of all was sat dead centre of Federal territory without any Métis or Independent borders to worry about.

All stuff Sarah Jay learned after the fact, because Errol didn't give her a chance to even think on it with the way he brung it up like it was already a foregone conclusion. Made her think he wanted to get away, that all his talk of a trial of faith and demands upon his person were just an excuse to make breaking up with her sound nicer, like she'd feel better knowing God wanted them to break up just to make things harder on the both of them. Typical Catholic martyrdom that, because wasn't nothing they liked more than suffering unless it was suffering in the exact opposite of silence.

Wasn't fair to paint in such broad strokes, but Errol had gotten her ire up and the Catholics were just catching strays for it. Howie was Catholic too, so maybe that was the problem, or maybe it was just something wrong with Sarah Jay, though she couldn't really say what.

So she soon as she was done throwing up, she cuddled Frowny close and asked, "Is there something wrong with me?"

"Well," Tina drawled, taking her sweet time answering as she wiped Sarah Jay's mouth with a damp kerchief. "At the moment, you can't seem to keep anything down, but otherwise, probably not." Sweetheart that she was, she quirked her head and really thought about it before coming up with, "Not that I can think of at least." Flashing her pearly whites, she tucked Sarah Jay's hair behind her ears and added, "Errol was a fool to run off and leave you behind after all you done for him, so don't you cry for him."

"Yeah, and forget drownin' yer sorrows." Chiming in from out of sight, Howie poked his head inside the door and Sarah Jay couldn't help but cringe. Firstly because he had to know she was in here bawling her eyes out over being left by Errol, so what must he think of her after she mounted him like an animal in heat? He was a surprisingly good kisser though, because he didn't really seem the type, but there was a passion and a heat to his hungry lips that sent shivers down her spine just to remember. The other reason she cringed was because of what he had in his hand a bowl of warmed stew and a piece of toasted bread which he held up with a smile and said, "You ought to feed them instead."

Sarah Jay groaned and turned to face the toilet again, but Howie was nothing if not determined. "You been throwing up a whole lot, I'll give you that," he said, scootching in right next to Tina with none of the distance he kept with just about everyone else, his sorta sister included when they was travelling up to Pleasant Dunes. Guess absence does make the heart grow fonder, which only made Sarah Jay miss Errol all the more. "I think you just need a bit of bread in you to soak up what's left," Howie continued. "Provide a bit of ballast as it were so your body can take its time digestin' what's left of the alcohol you done drank and spewed out." Holding out the bowl, he gave her a soft smile that she ain't never seen from him before, one that sat so well on his features unlike the big, toothy grin he usually favoured. "Just have a nibble, and if it make you feel worse, then you don't gotta force yourself. I mean, worst comes to worst, at least you'll have something to throw up instead of just dry heavin' all the live long night."

Didn't sound too terrible, and the stew had been delicious. The bread too, so after Howie and Tina worked together to help Sarah Jay wash her hands, she took a small piece that had been sliced off and dabbed it in the savoury meat stew before tucking in. That struck a chord in her, and all of a sudden she was feeling ravenous, but still in no real condition to scarf down anything at all, so she made do with tearing up the bread and using that as a stew delivery mechanism. She kept at it like that until she ran out of bread, then sat and stared at the stew until another piece of toasted bread appeared in front of her like magic, and she ate that too. Then the stew was all gone, and she was feeling much better, but oh so very sleepy, so she made to rest her head on the floor again, only for Howie to catch and redirect her back onto her feet.

"Okay then," he said, sounding only slightly strained as he gently lifted her into a standing position, except she wasn't really standing and just sorta leaned on him the whole way. "Guess you ain't up for walking upstairs. That's okay." So he sat her down, wiped her face with a warm towel with the same gentle and tender touch that Tina had, before lifting Sarah Jay's limp frame up into his arms in a princess carry. "Alright now," he said, moving like he was floating on air instead of hauling her about like a sack of potates. "Let's get you to bed."

Before she knew it, that's exactly where she was, tucked under the covers on her side with someone helping her with her socks while she hugged Frowny with both arms and listened to his musical birdy snores. She wanted to take off her shirt and pants too, because they was too tight and restricting, but someone wouldn't let her. "Howie," she said, before remembering Tina was still in the room. "I wanna say somethin'."

"I'm sure you do," he replied, sounding all too amused and not at all put off, which was promising to say the least. "I'm also sure it can wait until morning girlie. You get some rest now." He took her hand, then guided to something hard and grainy on the floor in front of her. "There's a bucket right here next to you if you need it, but no need to worry if you don't get it all in. Tina's feelin' a bit cold, so she's gonna bunk up with you, okay?"

"Can you stay?" She asked, and even in her drunken stupor, her ears heated up until they was red, because she was behaving like them wanton women with loose morals and looser drawstrings Mama was always harping on about.

There was a long pause, then he said, "Yeah, sure. I'll stay for a bit, keep you both company 'til you fall asleep. How's that sound?" Too embarrassed to speak, Sarah Jay just nodded and closed her eyes, because she needed to speak her mind and she needed to do it right. So she held her breath and rehearsed her lines as someone slipped in under the covers behind her, except Howie hadn't moved because he was still holding her hand. Which kinda threw a wrench in things, because Sarah Jay thought her motives would be clear enough, but it seemed like Tina hadn't gotten the hint and was still making ready to bunk down. Well this was awkward, so Sarah Jay didn't have no choice but to pivot and try to be subtle, which wasn't her strong suit. Still, wasn't nothing for it, because if she left it until morning, she might not have the courage to say what she wanted to say.

"You ever think about what might've been?" She asked, her voice a hushed whisper as she opened her eyes. Found him sat down beside the bed and facing the foot of the bed rather than looking directly at her, and halfway to nodding off before she'd gone and woke him. She must've spent more time gathering up her courage than she realized, but he was still right there in front of her holding her hand, so she pressed onwards regardless of the risk. "You know. If things had worked out different between us? As a crew."

Which wasn't exactly what she meant, and he knew it, but she still wanted to know. She'd heard so much about him growing up, and had been looking forward to finally meeting him when she first signed on for Basic, so she was sorely disappointed when he didn't show up for roll call. Then she met Errol and fell in love, alongside everything that came with it, which was wonderful and magical as all heck until he got washed out and she went along with him. Only for Tina to come along and ask if they was interested in maybe signing on for the Firstborn's Frontier-born. Now if God had a plan, then that was most certainly it, although she hadn't said it at the time. Errol had his doubts about the offer, and go real jealous at times, but Sarah Jay had been over the moon, because even though she loved her man, she was still in awe of the Firstborn.

Man was a legend round these parts, and rightly so. While the rest of them were learning the ropes in Basic, he was out in the badlands hunting Abby for sport and gunning down outlaws in the Coral Desert to claim a bonafide bounty on a bunch of murderous thieves who done escaped justice for much too long. Justice found them in the end though, with the Firstborn laying down the law like no one's business, and now she had a chance to ride alongside him, to learn from him and maybe become something of a legend herself, or at the very least be a part of his as the first person to sign onto his crew.

Didn't happen though. Not because she wasn't up to snuff, though she admittedly had a whole lot of catching up to do. Still did, but she was game to try if he was, and maybe try for even more. Yeah, sure, she'd jumped his bones because she'd been feeling lonely and still had a little bit of a crush on the Firstborn, even if that wasn't who Howie really was, but wasn't like that was the only reason she wanted to try. There was also the crippling loneliness that wouldn't go away, the pain in her chest from where Errol ripped her heart out, because he'd been her everything for this last whirlwind of a year, and now he was just… gone.

"Sure," Howie replied, and it took Sarah Jay a moment to track that he was just answering her question. "Course I have regrets. Who doesn't?" Though she could only see his side profile in the dim illumination of the hallway lights, there was a look in his eyes that made her chest ache for him as she remembered how he himself had lost Josie in July and Noora just today as she'd left on a boat for greener pastures. Even with all that hurt though, he was still trucking on, and she didn't know how he did it. "You and me though? That ain't one. We'd be terrible together. As a team," he added, just a beat too late with a bit of wink because he knew exactly what she meant, but was playing it off for Tina's sake.

"You really think so?" Sarah Jay asked, pouting something fierce because she didn't think they'd be all that bad together. They were so much alike, both responsible over-achievers who strove for excellence in all things, so they'd get along great. Or so she thought, but it seemed like Howie figured things differently.

"Definitely," he said, leaning in to touch his temple to her forehead just to take away a bit of the sting. "We're both too competitive. You wouldn't settle for second string if you thought you was good enough for first chair, and I'd never let you share the spotlight with me unless I had no choice but to." Though it still sounded like he was talking about the two of them working together, it could also apply to them being in a relationship, and she found that he was absolutely right. She would try her damnedest to get one over on him, and he'd fight tooth and nail to keep it from happening. Wasn't all that bad, but she could see how things might eventually get heated over nothing at all.

"Well," she drawled, clutching his hand which he had still yet to let go of, "What about movin' forward then? An eye to the future as it were?"

"Difficult to say," Howie replied, without missing a beat. "Here and now? I'd say it's a definite no." Now that was a tough pill to swallow, but Sarah Jay was more offended than hurt. Why not? He'd been hungry enough earlier on, and he'd washed himself off hadn't he? Then again, she was thinking about him more like a trophy to earn or a notch to put on her belt, because truth was, she wasn't feeling all that romantic about him either, not really. Would still enjoy a tumble to get her mind off the pain, but she'd wake up crying over Errol all the same, so she could hardly blame Howie for not wanting any part of this mess.

"Ain't either one of us ready for a change up like that." There was something in his tone that drew her in, something that made her feel ashamed of being so weepy over her losses when she knew just how much hurt he'd been put through of late. Not just with Josie and Noora, though Lord knows how that would've worked out in the long run, but just in general. Lost a hand and a father figure, then his lady love before being ousted from his home and run out of town. Now his own people had sent a kill team after him, and come damn close to finishing the job, only to come home to a lawsuit to go on top of the pending criminal charges the D.A was making ready to bring against him.

All while he lived up here all by his lonesome. By choice mind you, seeing how he could fill these houses in a heartbeat if he had a mind to, so maybe he wasn't doing as well as she thought. Was one thing to say that the Firstborn could handle all that and more, but another altogether to remember that Howie was still human yet. Sure, the man could take a beating like none other, but he had to be hurting something fierce after the year he had. Though he might have built himself a fancy prosthetic and Mage Hands to help him get by, that pain was still there all the same, the pain of losing so very much that was near and dear to his heart.

So when he said he wasn't ready, he meant it, and because he knew that pain so well, he knew Sarah Jay wasn't ready either. "I got a lot of work ahead before I even think about taking on a partner," he continued, heaving a heavy sigh as he did. "Don't get me wrong, I would love to show you how it's done." There was a teasing hint in his tone that got her dander up, ready to jump his bones and show him just who would be showing who what's what, which only went to reinforce his observation about her competitive streak. His too, else he wouldn't have brung it up, but now wasn't the time to point fingers. "Maybe someday down the line, we can make something happen depending on the time and place. Me, I ain't ready for a team-up here and now, and don't think I will be for a while. Got too much to figure out and recover from before I feel right about bringing someone else on."

That last bit was said with a heavy heart, and much as Sarah Jay wanted to comfort him over his loss, Tina chimed in just in time to remind her why they was being so roundabout with all this discussion. "Feels like you two are overthinking things," she said, snuggling in close and resting her chin on Sarah Jay's shoulder so she could address them both. "You could use someone to watch your back out there Howie, and you'd be hard pressed to find a better prospect than Sarah Jay."

"Yeah, but she got much better options than slummin' it with me," he replied with a toothy grin, which meant it wasn't a real smile. "They shippin' her off to learn from Tim, so she's in for one wild ride."

"Yeah, doin' paperwork sounds real wild," Sarah Jay said, her tone bitter and sarcastic as can be. "Can't hardly wait."

Howie laughed. "Yeah you'll be doin' a fair bit of that most like," he said with a shake of his head. "On the bright side, he'll probably make you fill out your own evaluations too, so there's that." Oh Lord, that sounded like the worst thing ever, because Sarah Jay would feel compelled to be oh so brutally honest for fear that Captain Hayes might think her egotistical and overconfident, or worse, just too stupid to see what she needed work on. "Don't you worry though, as it'll be exciting enough to make you want to quit," Howie continued, his silhouette nodding as he took in her chagrin with a more genuine smile. "Tim's a Ranger through and through. He might skimp on the paperwork, but only because he don't see it as necessary work. The training though? He won't ever shortchange you or himself when it comes to that, because a poorly trained Ranger is a liability in the field, and he won't be havin' that. He'll expect you to keep up with his training while carrying a full workload of filing his paperwork too, so best you be prepared for anything and everything. Don't be afraid to speak up if he's pushing you too hard though. He's one of a select few who thought my daddy wasn't pushin' me hard enough, and that's sayin' somethin'."

Something most ladies wouldn't say in polite company, but Sarah Jay never claimed to be no lady. When she was done cursing like a sailor, she heaved a sigh, then looked Howie in the eye as best she could and said, "Well… maybe someday then."

"Yeah," he replied, again with that soft smile, but this time it was full of sadness and heartache because he didn't believe it would ever happen. "Maybe when things are better for the both of us."

"We would've been somethin' though," Sarah Jay said, her eyes smouldering with passion to show him just what he missed out on, only to remember Tina was still present and pressed up against her back to boot. "What a team we would've made, you and me." Reaching up for her chain, she pulled it out to show him the Ablative Armour Spell Core and said, "I still wear this everywhere, the first Core I done ever earned, while fightin' alongside the Firstborn no less."

There was a long pause as Howie fell silent, and for a moment, Sarah Jay thought it was because she called him the Firstborn. Didn't much care for the title these days, or at least that's what Tina said, but it was hard to stop thinking of him as anything but. That wasn't it though, because Howie reached up and flicked the end of her chain, which she only then realized was suspiciously light. "I don't suppose you was talkin' 'bout a figurative representation of said Core, now are you?"

Soon as he said it, they both glanced over at Frowny nestled in Sarah Jay's arms. The round bird was fast asleep and snoring musically like any other sleepy kiccaw, except he wasn't just off in lala land. No, the little fella was near comatose after swallowing Sarah Jay's Spell Core and undergoing a magical metamorphosis into an Innate, one which would transform him into a Magical Beast that might well become a force of nature unto itself.

Or an Aetherically dense and rapidly propagating Magical Beast that would make for excellent Proggie fodder. That's why the intentional creation of Magical Beasts was outlawed after all, as it could make a whole mess of the ecosystem that would only benefit Abby, meaning that after exactly one day into her stint as a real, proper Ranger, she was already in for a whole heap of trouble.

"Oh god," Sarah Jay groaned, reaching for the bucket Howie had placed next to the bed. "I'm gonna be sick."