First Song

It took us only ten minutes to get all of my things from the car up to my room. I dumped most of my bags over in a corner, planning to empty them later when I had the energy. I was feeling completely exhausted. There remained only the faintest hint of tingling in my hand, at least. It looks like I'd managed to escape permanent nerve damage. Yay.

My duvet and pillows, which I’d brought back from uni, went straight onto my bed. The duvet cover was mostly white, with interweaving blue and red lines running along the edges. I didn’t really like it all that much but it was something neutral that kept any of those comments from dad away.

If you don’t know what a duvet is, imagine a soft bag held inside a thin case made of linen, or something similar, kind of like a giant pillow. They’re very warm and sometimes I get way too hot in summer.

My computer and all of its paraphernalia sat on my desk, the mouse, keyboard and monitor still disconnected. I needed to hook all that back up, but right now… too tired.

My bedroom consisted of my double bed, a wardrobe that was tucked in the corner, my bedside table, my desk and my computer chair. I also had a chest of drawers over underneath the window. The walls were painted an eggshell blue, with a cream coloured carpet. It had actually been repainted while I was away at university. Something about it being extra incentive to move out and find a job after I was finished at uni. The joke’s on them, though! Secretly, I actually quite like it.

My double window looked out over the back garden of our house, though it was facing north which meant that I generally didn’t get much direct sunlight. That helped both with letting me maintain my nocturnal sleep schedule and with keeping glare off my monitor when I’m gaming. Altogether, my room here at home was a little bigger than the one I’d had at university and I was relishing having more space. At least there was one thing that was better here than there.

I kicked my trainers off and flopped onto the bed, letting the waves of fatigue roll over and through me. I groaned and turned onto my side, exhaling deeply as my brain refused to settle down enough for me to drift off.

Instead, my brain mulled over what had happened today. What had been up with that squirrel, by the way? I could still picture it when I closed my eyes. And the way that it had hopped towards me was not what squirrels do. Admittedly I didn’t have a lot of experience with them, but I thought it was pretty standard for them to run away. It had eyed me with this strange look of intelligence, hadn’t it? Like it was judging me? Fucking judgmental squirrels. Even the wildlife had it out for me.

A buzzing sound told me that my phone had just received a text message and I pulled it over from my bedside table, holding it in front of my face. It buzzed again just as I was opening the messaging app.

Me: This year’s gone way too quickly. I’m gonna miss you! See ya next year?

Rish: Yeah mate, it’s all good

Rish: Did you get home alright? Heard the traffic was shit

With a small smile, I started to type out a message. As I was, another came in.

Rish: Apparently they found some kind of ww2 bomb near the mway

This gave me pause as I thought back to the scene near the service station. So that was what it was. Just some bomb that had been dropped during the Blitz, I guess. I decided to text back.

Me: Yeah, the traffic was a bit slow. Just got home

Me: I think I saw that. The army was on a hill that we drove past

He didn’t reply back immediately, giving me time for my thoughts to settle on my friends – Claire and Rishaan. They were the only two people that I really thought of as my friends these days. I hadn’t kept in touch with anyone from secondary school, and I told myself that it was just something that happened, but deep down I knew what it really was. I didn’t feel comfortable with people that thought they knew who I was, when really they had no idea. They kept placing expectations on me that I couldn’t, or wouldn’t, meet.

An image of Rishaan’s cocky grin came into my mind and it made me roll my eyes subconsciously. But it was when my thoughts turned to Claire that my breath caught. I lifted my hands up to my face, groaning in embarrassment.

I rolled onto my front and buried my face into my pillows, eyed closed tightly as I tried to fight against the despair I was feeling. How could they even want to be friends with me? If they knew the inner turmoil that I had inside and who I really was, would they even still be friends with me? I snorted. Yeah, right.

But, strangely, and for the first time in my life, my attempts to push these thoughts away seemed to work. The fear and self-loathing that had started to bubble up from somewhere deep inside me was being... diffused? Naturally, I was confused, but there was something inside that seemed to be soothing that particular emotion – something I’d never really felt before and couldn’t exactly explain. If I were to try, then I’d say that it was the feeling of calm when someone is stroking your hair… just… a bit more distant?

One thing I was growing aware of was the surge of coldness that was starting to flush over me, again. I reached for my duvet and tried to snuggle underneath it, but I was starting to shiver already.

I rolled to the edge of the bed and groped around for the spare blanket that I kept for cold winter nights. Finding it, and with a bit of wiggling and wriggling, I eventually managed to pull the blanket so that it was over the top of my duvet. My teeth were chattering now.

Any part of me that was outside of my pile of warmth felt like it was being exposed to Antarctica or something, so I pulled my duvet over my head. A sensation of grogginess was creeping over me and my brain felt fuzzy. Oh, I knew this feeling.

I was getting a fever. A pretty high one, too, if this sudden chill was anything to go by. I closed my eyes and tried to let sleep consume me. Everything faded out in my mind. Other thoughts of the day were being pushed aside one after the other, like a cascade down a waterfall. Out of the twisting jumble of thoughts, something emerged.

---

I turned to face my opponent on the other side of the badminton court. We were back at university, playing in the sports hall again. Claire was there instead, this time, facing me and getting ready to serve. Even though everything had this haze or blurry quality to it, I didn’t really seem to notice.

My arm came up again as I got ready to return her serve, only this time I noticed that something was off. The net seemed a little higher to me and… my arm was... thinner? The realisation drew my attention for a moment, my brain registering that my arm was both different but also perfectly how it should be.

Not seeming to see that I was distracted, Claire served to me, using the same looping trajectory as Rishaan had used the day before. The shuttle barely cleared the net as it came my way, but I was ready. I shifted my weight to my back foot, everything about my movements and my body feeling unfamiliar but utterly natural.

My wrist flicked a graceful backhand, propelling the shuttle back to Claire’s side of the court, though angled to the side and away from her.

Her face was filled with concentration as she lunged, her racquet catching the shuttle but causing it to lift short. It went up, but she hadn’t been able to force me to step backwards from the net.

My toes shuffled as I waited for it to come back down, my racquet held poised just behind my head, my weight spread between both feet. I became much more aware at that point of what I was wearing, and how weight was distributed around me, but everything just felt so right. At the exact moment I needed to, I jumped. A high, feminine shout escaped me as I snapped my racquet over my head and down. With a satisfying whip crack, the shuttle rocketed downwards, but towards Claire’s side of the court. The smash was technically perfect, giving her no chance to block it.

I laughed as I landed back down, my brown-red braid slipping over my shoulder. I flicked it back absent-mindedly, unfazed.

Claire laughed as she made a mess of trying to return my shot, shaking her head while stumbling to stop her lunge from over-balancing her. She just managed to stay on her toes, “You’re such a bully, Erin.” She always called me a bully whenever I was beating her. She leaned down and scoop-flicked the shuttle to me, allowing me to catch it with my own racquet.

I laughed at her reply, but I did notice that she’d called me by the name I’d picked out for myself several years ago. I’d never told anyone about it before, though, so that was odd. A warmth spread through me at the use of the name, regardless.

My focus was turned back to getting ready for my own serve. I held the shuttle out in front of me in my left hand, leaning forwards a little. When I looked down to ready my racquet, I froze at what I saw.

I was wearing an all-white t-shirt, with my chest very definitely prominent. Beneath, I could see the swell and curve of my breasts, held tightly to my body beneath a darker coloured sports bra. Further down, I could see that I was wearing a white, pleated skirt, my hips curving out to allow the fabric to hang properly down to my mid-thigh.

All it took was a slight lean further forwards to get a peek at my feet. They were definitely much smaller than I seemed to remember them being, but they still felt absolutely right. I was sporting what seemed to be white trainers, but with fine, pink stitching. Above them, smooth and muscular legs, though very much feminine.

My braid of russet coloured hair took that moment to slide back over my shoulder.

In my dream, my mind froze again, but my heart soared. It felt like it was rising up from inside me, sending me into a beaming smile. I could only imagine that I was looking quite dopey right now. The girl on the other side of the net made no comment about it, though, and just waited for my serve to come.

Shuffling and adjusting my feet, I returned back to my serving pose, my eyes flicking up to look at Claire moments before I tapped it to her side of the net.

We kept playing, time seeming to lose the regimented structure that it normally held. Moments seemed to warp around themselves, sometimes replaying and occasionally skipping ahead altogether. I didn’t really seem to notice. I was happy, and I was content.

As we played, I noticed a glint of something out of the corner of my eye. Something was sitting on the bench near where we had stored our bags and water bottles. I turned to glance at it, and saw that it was squirrel shaped and softly glowing golden-white. It had its tail wrapped around itself as it watched us. Or more specifically, it watched me.

There was a pull that I could feel deep inside my chest, tugging me to go to the little iridescent rodent. The distance between the two of us collapsed and I found myself standing directly in front of it. Not entirely sure what it wanted, I did the thing that felt most natural. I reached down to start petting it. It closed its eyes happily as I ran my thin fingers through its fur. Crouching down to get a better angle for scritches, my mind noted that my nails were painted a metallic blue.

With a suddenness that I wasn’t expecting, the squirrel opened its eyes and disappeared. The floor fell out beneath me and I could feel myself falling, the world around me started to melt and fade into blackness. I tried in vain to reach out, to grasp hold of reality, to no avail.

---

My eyes were stinging as I opened them, my body feeling like it was on fire. I threw back the covers to let the heat escape me and rolled over, gasping for air. Tears were falling down my cheeks and I wasn’t even sure why I was crying.

That was when I looked down at myself and noted, dejectedly, that it had only been a dream. I was still in the same dumb, male body that I’d had since puberty.

The dream was still clear in my mind, almost as if it had been burned there. I had been so happy, so content and free. I’d never felt anything like it before and its sudden absence was explaining my tears.

That same feeling of something dampening my negative feelings was back again. My tear streaked eyes blinked in confusion as my emotions felt like they were being wrapped in cotton wool.

“I’m... sorry…” came a soothing, feminine voice that seemed to originate somewhere inside my head.

---

- Muse -

<Translation to Human/English>

<Surveillance Log 01>

I have been observing the entity that I find myself within for less than half of a rotation. It is much more complex than the smaller one I had found originally, and so it shows greater potential. But, there is a problem.

It is broken.

I have discovered that this species refers to themselves as ‘human’ now. This human’s broken nature is significant as it puts the emotional link into jeopardy. I cannot allow it to be threatened, for my sake, as much as the human’s.

At first, I had to consider if it was just my lack of familiarity with its neural pathways. But as I grew more accustomed to its nuances, and as I studied and learned, I found that I had not been in error. This human is suffering from inner turmoil and is currently unable to form stable emotional connections.

I was somewhat reckless at first, its novel-yet-familiar biology caused me to trigger an immune response. It knew that something was present that shouldn’t be, however, it is unable to fight me directly. Its attacks on my being are ineffective, and it has instead begun to attack itself. I have realised that my mistake might be fatal to the both of us. I have been soothing it since and have convinced it that everything is well. This host is complex but it is not unfathomable.

The human had to be put into a state of unconsciousness for me to be able to form myself around its neural network, but after that it had been relatively straightforward to understand it. I’m only just starting to understand this human’s culture and language. The insight has been invaluable, but there is much that I do not know.

The source of its turmoil is still being identified, however recent experimentation has given promising results. It is not beyond repair. I have a way forwards. I can fix it.

I have to fix it.

I just need to learn how.