NOVEL NEXT Chapter 94: Understanding What I Am Not
"..." I watch Laplace carefully as I wait for Evelyn-chan to return to this place. Frankly, watching Laplace do… that to a fairy was strange.
Eve went to take care of Evelyn-chan, so I had no reason to go since I would just ruin everything; that's why I stayed here. Although, staying here was unpleasant, since I had to see and hear what Laplace was doing for over an hour.
He has an 'enviable' vitality, I suppose, since he managed to keep at it for an hour without breaks, though the poor fairy clearly couldn't handle it. Fortunately, he stopped because I honestly couldn't stand to watch this filth any longer.
I see Laplace putting his clothes back in order while carelessly tossing the fairy back into the cage. The fairy lets out a pained moan, covered in fluids with her belly swollen.
"Don't you think you're watching a bit too much?" he says, staring at me as he finishes adjusting his clothes completely.
"Well, you didn't try to hide it. Evelyn-chan, Eve, and I were already here before you, so you should have gone somewhere else, not me who should have left. Besides, the carriage is here," I say, looking at the fairy on the cage floor.
"...I suppose you're right. Aren't you going to go comfort my hypocrite of a sister?" he says, calling Evelyn-chan his sister, but the way he says it is clearly mockery.
"She doesn't need me for that right now. And anyway, we're escorts. If we all wander off, you could act crazy and claim we didn't fulfill the guild agreement and that you won't pay a thing," I say without stopping my stare at the girl in the cage.
"..." I don't really like seeing this. I feel the stares of people when they see me; it's not a good feeling. Probably because Evelyn-chan based my race on another that already exists, which draws hostile looks against me.
That's why seeing this fairy treated like this shows me that if I weren't Evelyn-chan's puppet and were just out on the streets, this could easily be my fate.
"Ah, yes, I undoubtedly could do that. Although I wouldn't. There's no point, since I don't care about your supposed 'protection.' It wasn't even why I took this mission," he says, making himself comfortable on a rock as if he hadn't just done anything.
"Aren't you going to put... her away?" I say, unable to stop looking at the fairy. Honestly, I don't feel anything; Evelyn-chan is quite sentimental, but I can't muster any feelings for a stranger.
It's just unpleasant to see this girl like this. My senses are very acute; the smell is the worst. This smell truly bothers me, and I can perfectly hear the girl's extremely faint whimpers, which is also irritating.
The sound keeps my ears on constant alert, the same as if an enemy were nearby. Staying alert for no reason is just a nuisance.
"...No. If I put her away now, she won't be ready for me to use her later. She needs to 'settle' first before I store her again," he says, treating the girl like an object.
"You're disgusting, you know that? I don't know why Evelyn-chan still tries to be nice to you. It's irrational to me, frankly," I say, trying not to breathe in this repulsive smell.
"The smell bothering you, I imagine? Expected from a girl of the beast-man race. You're all so sensitive. But getting rid of her won't get rid of the smell, since I'm not just any demon," he says, almost boasting.
"Did you know I've never been with a wolf-type beast-girl? I wonder how good you could be. Unfortunately, I don't like how your race gets all clingy after breaking. You're true animals," he provokes, but I don't take his obvious bait.
It feels like... I'm about to be attacked. It's a clear provocation to create a "reason." My instincts scream that, so I won't play his game and give him the excuse he needs to do something.
"If I could, I'd gouge out your disgusting eyes," I say while gripping my staff tightly, ready to fight if necessary, even though he isn't showing any intent to fight or brawl yet.
"What a fierce threat. Although it's kind of cute that you even think you could do that. It seems only delusional people hang around Evelyn. After all, you wouldn't stand a chance against me," he boasts.
"..." I stop talking to him. I finally realize that humoring him will just make him keep talking and provoking me, so I decide to just stay quiet and try to ignore the smell and the sounds coming from the fairy.
'I hope Evelyn-chan comes back soon so I don't have to be alone with this disgusting pervert any longer.' I like making suggestive jokes with Evelyn-chan, but everything has its limits.
This guy, though, is just a degenerate with power, so he doesn't even qualify for me to make any daring, fun jokes.
...
...
...
"Are you ready to return, Evelyn-sama?" Eve speaks to me gently as I stand up, brushing the dust off the back of my dress.
I take a deep breath, feeling the cold night air fill my lungs while the sound of insects in the vegetation is a calm symphony that helps soothe the turbulence in my mind.
"Yes... I had a good amount of time to think..." I say to her without revealing what I actually thought about. I had a good amount of time to think, and in that time, I finally figured out why I always fail in my attempts at friendship.
It turns out I was too... arrogant. I let the knowledge I have override the logic that I, too, have feelings and won't endure everything as if it were a game.
First with Augustus, where I tried to be his friend, but he didn't think twice before humiliating me when I challenged him to a friendly duel. He knew the deal he proposed was ridiculous and unfair and that I would feel humiliated, yet he still proposed it.
Then with Marie, where I tried to befriend her, pushing myself to the limit during that joint competition to help her, but the moment one thing went wrong—which wasn't even my fault—she just got furious and stopped talking to me.
And now with Laplace and his demonstration of how perfidious he is. The thing I finally realized is that... I'm not Grace. I'm not the protagonist. I can't "heal" my brothers. I can't be the good influence that will turn them into better people.
I tried to act as if just by having knowledge of the future, I could magically fix my brothers and turn all of them into better people while simultaneously trying to become queen without a fight.
But I'm not the one who will befriend them and help them with their problems, gaining their trust and being their turning point. I'm not a game heroine; I'm just one of the romance targets.
Grace is the only one who is supposed to make them better people. She is the only one with the charm, persistence, and determination to keep supporting my brothers even when they do horrible things.
Even if I try to befriend them, I will sabotage myself, because they all have terrible personalities, and I know it, yet I deliberately ignored it as if I were filtering what I wanted to see in them.
I was simply so good at the game that I forgot how infernal it is to deal with each of them. In the game, I could just make a wrong choice and reset, so their dialogues, schemes, and cruelties were easier to ignore.
After all, it was a game. No matter how bad they were, I could just reset and try another path until I achieved something satisfying in those dozens of endings.
But now that this is reality with no reset button, I realize that I honestly can't stand their actions while trying to pretend everything is fine just to gain their friendship.
I don't have the determination, persistence, or boldness that Grace has to try and fix people who clearly don't want to improve and who practically require Grace to become better.
Frankly, they all do horrible things, while Esther, ironically, is the only one who avoids doing bad things frequently to keep her power secret, even though she's the one who wants to end the world.
That's why I've decided it's not worth it for me to try to befriend them. I might just let things take their course and maybe earn their friendship naturally, but I won't actively try to befriend people who see me as complete trash.
I will only actively pursue a connection with Esther, because unlike the others, she is the real problem and the only one who is truly the most dangerous being of all. So, I absolutely must get close to her and attempt an approach.
"..." Trying not to dwell on it, I head back to the campsite. I guess we'll be a few minutes behind schedule because of the time I spent away.
As soon as I arrive, I see the cage with the little fairy inside. She's filthy, covered in a sticky white fluid, her little belly swollen. I turn my gaze toward the carriage and simply walk towards it.
"..." Laplace watches me head to the carriage but says nothing, while Syl'Vyr gives me a complicated look and simply nods, standing up to come over to me.
"Hurry up, Laplace. It's time to leave. If we're late to the fortress city because of you, I'll charge an extra two million gold coins," I say, pausing at the door without looking back at him, before entering and closing the door behind me.