Euphemistically Yours

The next morning followed a long night full of planning. Constance allowed me to sleep late while she rose early to prepare the household for breakfast and the coming changes to our daily routine. Unfortunately, my instincts woke me up the moment she left the bed. The hope of returning to peaceful rest skittered off behind her.

By the time I reached the dining room, our strategy was already in play. While Eu watched from her seat while eating, Constance was giving directions to our children. “Grit, check over the house and holdings. You and your sisters will be accompanying me into town with your father.”

“Of course mother. What about… Eu?”

“She’ll be coming with us.”

“I see.” The look of curiosity and confusion on his face indicated otherwise, but he had no reason to ask. Instead, he wolfed down his meal, eager to prove himself capable.

Since he was leaving as I entered, I slapped him on the shoulder and gave him a nod. I knew he’d make me proud. After that, I took my seat and filled my plate.

Breakfast was fresh bread from the kitchen, slathered with butter, then topped with slices of cheese. Looking over at Eu, I could see her working on a second serving. I was glad she didn’t pick at her food today, because I didn’t want her stomach growling when we met the Duke.

Once I’d taken portions from all the usual platters, I moved to the plate of cloth-covered sweetcakes, only to discover that they were all gone. “You didn’t save one for me?”

Constance pursed her lips in frustration, “They were already gone when I got here.”

“Oh?” My gaze swiveled to my daughters.

“We didn’t get any either!” protested Swift. Progress nodded along with her.

My eyes turned to the doorway. “Grit ate them all? How strange.”

“He was the first one here,” said my wife, though she had a hard look in her eye. Apparently there was some further issue to discuss.

Strange… if Grit was going to take all the sweetcakes, I’d expect him to tell us why. But, he wasn't present to explain himself.

In any case, I had more important business, so I began to reveal our plans for the day. There were certain obstacles that had to be overcome now before we presented ourselves to the Duke. “Girls, after breakfast, I’ll be asking for your help. Your mother as well.”

“Of course, Father!” My daughters were eager to help. On the other hand, their enthusiasm was just as likely a matter of escaping the normal daily routine. Either way, it brought a smile to my lips and I gave Constance a nod of approval for her skill in their discipline.

Our planning still had one last stumbling block, so I waited for an appropriate moment when Eu’s mouth was full. “First, we’re going to choose a dress for Eu.”

As expected, she sputtered. In fact, some of her half-chewed bread actually fell onto the table. I couldn't have asked for a better reaction. It was a perfect setup!

“Oh dear! What a mess!” complained my wife. Her tone was false, but I doubted that Eu would sense the trap that we were laying for her.

I saw Eu blushing at the wasted food that had splurted out. Despite that, she focused on her main concern. “No dress! Dress bad! Pants!”

“Eu. Your manners are lacking. You should apologize for the mess. Are you sorry?” I motioned to the sludge on the table.

“Eu is sorry!” Then she paused to correct her grammar. “I am sorry! No dress!”

“Are you sorry for the mess?”

“I am sorry!”

“ARE you sorry? Your pants will be a bigger mess.”

She gave me a deep frown. “Name is Eu?”

I held up a hand, “Men wear pants. I wear pants. Grit wears pants. Women wear dresses or skirts. My wife wears a dress. Progress wears a dress. Swift wears a dress. You wear a dress.”

“No no no! No dress!”

“Are you a man? How will I present you to the Duke?”

“Duke wears pants! You wear pants! I wear pants!”

“No. You need to wear a dress for the Duke. At least … for now.”

She paused at that to consider. “Fwoof? Sand?”

That sounded like a request, so I tried to negotiate by nodding. “Fwoof soon. Sand too.”

“Dress… for now?” She was still suspicious.

“I have an idea. Trust me.”

She didn’t know those words, but my smile seemed to get the concept across. “Dress for now.”

In the meantime, my daughters were watching our exchange with interest. Unfortunately, the conclusion meant the beginning of a new and unexpected danger when they started giggling. “Oh! We have some of our own dresses that should fit! We’ll dress her up!”

“Choose a town dress for her. But later today, we’ll need a fancier dress for the Duke.”

Within the moment, Eu was dragged away from the table by the laughing hyenas. The last I saw of her was her terrified eyes looking back at me. Unfortunately for her, I was a member of the same pack, laughing aloud once she was beyond earshot.

The fitting took some time, more than one bell. There was much wailing and weeping from the other side of the house, but I knew my daughters could handle the situation by themselves. Despite that, Constance held my hand as I twitched. I had the distinct feeling that I’d done something terrible again. In fact, I kept getting flashbacks of Eu’s teary face after I’d tied her to the top of the saddle.

While we waited to see the results, I sent Grit to procure a bucket full of dry sand. Neither of us were sure where to look for it, but I presented the task as a quest and a test of his resourcefulness. I even gave him a few small coins in case he needed to hire a guide in town.

When Eu finally appeared, she looked like a different person. The town dress that my daughters had chosen was fit for that of low-ranking nobility or a wealthy merchant family. In addition, they’d tightly braided her short hair around the sides of her head and hidden it under a fashionable cloth bonnet. In other words, nobody in town would even notice her - as long as she didn’t call attention to herself.

Progress and Swift both had similar outfits for themselves. The even nicer dresses to see the Duke were folded inside a basket, including one they'd chosen for Eu. Obviously, they understood what the next step would be. You wouldn’t be able to change from one dress into another in town except at a bathhouse. In other words, they could sense that we were splurging for the occasion.

Eu was biting her lip in anger and looked to me for reassurance. “Dress for now! For NOW!”

“Yes. Only until the Duke. I’ve got an idea after that.”

“Fwoof? Sand?”

“Soon!” In fact, the next moment, I heard the front door open and Grit came in carrying the bucket.

“Father, I’ve got the sand and I didn’t spend a single coin!”

“Good job! How’d you find it?”

“I asked some of the serf children. I guessed that they’d know where to find it. They pointed me to a flat spot beside the river bank.”

I nodded as he handed me the bucket along with the coins I’d given him.

“Sand! Fwoof now-w-w?” whined Eu.

“Yes… err… no. Let’s go outside first!”

With that, I led the whole family out the front door to stand on the front path. Looking around, there were a few serfs in sight, but at this point, I didn’t really care who saw. I’d kept her magic secret long enough, and the more people to know only solidified our plan.

“All right! Everybody move back and give Eu some room!” I put the bucket of sand in the middle of the path, then took five steps backward as an example to the others.

Eu let out a sigh of apparent relief and moved to the center of our little circle. When she closed her eyes and clasped her hands together, my children all looked to me for guidance. That was the same moment they learned the truth.

The glassy glowing egg popped into existence. I was watching closely and it didn’t expand or fade into place. Instead, it wasn’t there, then suddenly it was. The sound of wind and the motion of it blowing her clothes arrived the moment afterwards.

With his youthful reaction speed and exceptional balance, Grit stumbled backwards in surprise, caught his heel on a rock and tumbled onto his rump.

Progress and Swift, lacking any sense of self preservation, stood in silent awe, their eyes wide and jaws hanging open.

My wife had been forewarned, so she only gave a small smile as she patted my hand. Apparently, although she trusted my word, seeing it for herself confirmed that I hadn’t gone mad.

The strange display continued on for a while, allowing time for questions.

“She’s a magician?” That was Grit, who was busily picking himself up.

In response, I gave him a smile.

Progress regained her dignity and sniffed in derision. “What good is that? You can’t be a woman magician. Women don't go to war!”

I replied immediately since Constance had prepared me for that concern. “Are you sure? Is that forbidden in the holy scriptures?”

Progress pursed her lips in the same familiar expression usually worn by my wife. Obviously, a woman going to war wasn’t forbidden the scriptures. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have asked. Even so, Progress still objected. “It just … it ... isn’t right!”

On that point, I had to agree with her. But, her shallow reasoning wasn’t any better than my own. I knew from history that countries in which women went to war fell apart and collapsed. Certainly, they might win the battle, but the next generation depends on women to produce as many replacements as possible. In contrast, men were relatively expendable.

In other words, even though the idea wasn’t “wrong” intrinsically, in most cases, it was foolish for a society to train women for battle. The mere thought was so outlandish that it required careful thought to overcome my initial knee-jerk reaction. Constance had convinced me last night, so now it was Progress's turn.

“What about in the old tales?” I pressed. “There were women magicians in the legends.”

“Those are … cautionary tales. An example of what NOT to do!” Progress insisted.

I felt my eyebrows rise. That was a good argument and surprisingly logical coming from someone of her age and education. In fact, my glance swung over to Grit. as a future squire, I would have expected him to be more offended. However, he was too busy just staring while Eu’s magic kept on swirling around endlessly.

In any case, Progress's explanation didn’t fit our plan and narrative, so Constance stepped in. “I don’t recall the old tales so well myself, but I don’t remember any of those women magicians doing anything so bad. When they were wronged, they might be vengeful or spiteful, yes… but malicious? No.”

Progress sniffed again. She didn’t have enough evidence and she knew it.

In the meantime, Eu’s magic suddenly stopped, which cut the discussion short as we all turned to look at her.

“Fwoof good!” She exclaimed and stretched out as if she’d just woken from a nap. Unfortunately, her magic wind had blown her hat off and somehow unbraided her hair as well.

Progress and Swift groaned in annoyance as they moved to restore the work of their disguise.

Grit moved over to me, “Father, did you know she was a mage?”

“Yes. Ahh… and we’d best discuss something else as well.” I spoke loudly to call the attention of my whole family.

My daughters moved behind Eu and then turned her around so they could work on her hair while also watching me.

“I’ll be taking Eu later to introduce her to the Duke. We’ll also be keeping her since her parents put her into my care.” That part was a lie, but it was necessary. Or was it really even lying? She was an orphan, so in a way, her parents HAD put her into my care.

Grit furrowed his eyebrows, “Does that mean she’ll be living here?”

“Indeed, and as you can guess, that’s going to cause some problems. Many people will assume that she’s my illegitimate daughter. You all know that’s not true, but it’s probably for the best. After all, the bastard daughter of a squire is still better than an orphaned serf, right?”

Progress responded instantly with a glare, “Father, would you have others speak ill of you?”

I waved a hand. “I know what’s true and false. Their words can’t hurt me.” Of course, at the moment, I felt a distinct pain in my midsection.

“But why?” This was Swift’s question. Luckily, she’d be the easiest to convince.

“It’s the right thing to do! What do the scriptures say about orphans?”

“Oooh! We’ll be taking care of an orphan!” Swift’s innocent smile was tearing a hole in my gut.

Despite the pain, I could still nod along. “Exactly! Our reputation may suffer, but it’s righteous suffering!”

Even Progress agreed with that logic. She’d always been inspired by the endurance of the martyrs. Now, she’d been swayed by that heroic feeling of unjust persecution. From here on, I guess she’d get a chance to experience some righteous suffering herself?

Swift piped up, “Eu’s story is SO sad! But she’s SO good! We should be like her!”

I felt the hairs on my neck prickle up in revulsion. Swift had no idea what she was saying! Just where did she get these ideas?

Luckily, Constance could see that I was lost, so she patted my arm and took over. “Grit, Progress, Swift - this is important! People may say bad things about your father. But you know the truth! Just let them say it. If you argue the point, it will just make Eu’s life even harder.”

All three of them nodded along with their mother. Their trust in me was complete. In contrast, the shame I felt was overwhelming. I swayed on my feet as if I was about to black out.

Eu, of course, had been watching the whole situation with a bewildered look. But apparently, she felt that this was her moment to join the conversation, “Deft is father!”

No! I am NOT her father! A scream of disgust was rising within me, but I held it down.

I could tell she was just commenting on the discussion. She didn’t mean anything by it. But, could she have chosen words that were any more awkward? She might as well have stabbed me.

I felt my wife’s grip clamp down on my wrist, but I knew how to handle this. “Yes, Eu! I’ll be the father … for now. At least, we’ll say that I am.”

She looked confused, but nodded along.

Oh, high heavens, forgive me!