Emmy And Me

"Believe me, I really wish it wasn't necessary, but…" I said.

"Lee…" Mom said, her shoulders drooping. She looked as if she wanted to say more, but in the end she just sighed.

"If it's any consolation at all, we're planning this thing very, very carefully. When it comes time, we'll be ready," I said.

"'No plan survives first contact with the enemy'," Mom quoted. "It was true when Helmut von Moltke first said it, and it's true now."

"Yeah, I know," I agreed. "But here's the thing: We have time and preparation on our side, as well as stealth and careful observation. Our strategy- and yes, I know the difference between strategy, planning and tactics- is basic. We're going to wait for the right moment to catch our enemy with their pants down. Just like the Spanish Inquisition, our chief weapon is surprise," I said, hoping a bit of levity would lighten the conversation.

"The way you're talking, you know who your enemies are, and where to find them?" Mom asked.

"Yes on both counts," I agreed.

"And you have them under observation?"

"Sort of," I said. "Not as much now as we will soon, when more of our people are ready. We're working on training our scouts. We have a couple of observers watching our targets now, but they can't get as close as I'd like, and when our next round of scouts are ready we'll have much better penetration."

"Who's training your people? And when you say 'our people', how many are you talking about?" Mom asked, probably more to satisfy herself that I wasn't half-assing it than anything else.

"By June we should have over two dozen scouts trained up. These are all going to be observers, to keep an eye on our enemies' movements. They're all originally locals from the area, and speak with local accents and know their way around. After them, we'll have at least fifty heavy shock troops to do the actual fighting when the time comes."

"Where will you be in all this?"

"That's up for discussion," I admitted. "My guys don't want me anywhere near the fighting- they want me to stay safe- but we all know I'm the one that has to make decisions in the heat of the moment, so I can't be far away."

"Lee… Please be careful. I-"

"Careful is my middle name," I joked, but I got up off the couch and crouched down next to Mom's chair. I took her hand in mine, wondering when she'd gotten so small. "Mom, I'm not going to put myself or my guys in any more risk than I can possibly avoid. We're doing everything we can to succeed as cleanly as possible."

"Lee, you're talking about killing people," Mom objected.

"We didn't ask for this war. I'm not going to sit here and throw out the 'they started it!' excuse, but we really are talking about, um, 'proactive self defense' here. We can't ignore these people and hope they'll just go away."

"No, I get that, I do," Mom admitted. "None of this makes me happy, but I understand."

I was about to protest some more, but Mom spoke first. "You know, I finally watched that video of you everyone was talking about."

I had no idea how to respond to that, so I just gave Mom an expectant look as I sat back down on the couch.

"I'd like to say that I had a hard time reconciling what I saw in that video with the person I know as my daughter, but… I just didn't. Have a hard time, I mean. That was you in that video. There was no denying it. There was this moment in particular- it'll probably stay with me for the rest of my life," Mom said, pausing her story when I groaned in dismay.

"Let me guess," Mom said wryly. "You've heard this before."

"If it's about when I broke that one guy's neck, then yeah, I have."

"You say that so casually, Lee…" Mom said. "But then, the look on your face in that video…"

"Yeah, everybody mentions that," I said, leaning my head back to stare at the ceiling. "Everybody comments on how, um, mechanical it seemed, or something."

"I think maybe I saw it differently, then," Mom replied, thinking about it. "To me, I saw someone focused on the task at hand. Yes, let's not diminish the fact that the task involved killing five people, but- well, I guess what I'm trying to say, as awkwardly as I am, is that you weren't disengaged. You were very, very focused. You saw a series of specific tasks you had to undertake to achieve your goal, and you set about them with speed and accuracy. That is the Leah I know. I'm not going to lie and say that it wasn't extremely unpleasant watching you kill a bunch of people in just a few minutes, but- and this may seem really strange to say- I was pleased with how well you evaluated the situation and formulated a plan of action, then followed it through."

"You're right- nobody else has made quite that comment before," I said, sitting upright again, reaching for my forgotten cocktail.

"It's a truly terrible tragedy that Angela and the two babies were killed," Mom said gently, "but the fact that you and Emmy both survived is a testament to your instincts and, well, your skill."

"My skill at killing people," I said.

"Lee, you weren't the first warrior in my life," Mom reminded me.

"Yeah, Dad, I guess," I agreed.

"And my father before him, and my grandfather, too," Mom reminded me. "Your grandfather- my dad- he didn't like to talk about his time in Viet Nam, but I do know that he was a decorated sniper. A sniper, Leah. Think about what that means. Jeff, he led a squad, and they did whatever it is exactly that Recon guys do, but Dad- your grandfather- he hid and waited until he could kill his targets in cold blood. There was no combat to it- sniping is a part of war, but it's more like murder than fighting for your life, if you understand the point I'm trying to make."

Mom refilled her glass from the bottle Luisa had left, then took a sip. "But I didn't know any of that until I was an adult. The Tom Ryder I knew was a loving, gentle man who took time off from managing construction projects for the city of Palm Springs to attend every one of his daughter's soccer games. The Tom Ryder I knew was a loving father who read books to me every night when I was a child. I would never have imagined that Dad had nearly a hundred and fifty probable kills in his service record." Mom took another sip, thinking about her own father. "So, no, Leah, while I can't say that I like the fact that my daughter is capable of killing her enemies quickly and easily, it doesn't change the way I feel about you. So when you say that you're going to go to war, all I can do is ask that you take every precaution you can, and come back to Emmy, and to your family."

I understood that she was thinking about Jeff Farmer- her own husband and my father- as much as she was thinking about me. There was nothing I could say to that, so I said nothing. We both knew the reality.

Christmas day dawned clear and cold, the first actual freeze during our time in New York. It was a perfect morning for spending time with the family, and I was very pleased that Emmy had suggested we bring everyone to New York.

Tiffany was grown up enough to wait until after breakfast to loot the stash under the Christmas tree, even if the anticipation was killing her.

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"Grace, how are things going in Flagstaff?" Mom asked as she doled out pancakes. She'd made enough to feed a small army, along with a ton of bacon and eggs for those who wanted them. I think it was just the novelty of the house's enormous kitchen with its twelve gas burners on the double stove that encouraged her to overdo it.

"Flag is cool," Grace answered as she reached for the maple syrup. "But I think I'll be ready to bail when I graduate."

"Where do you think you'll go?" Mom asked as she set a giant stack of pancakes on Jeremy's plate, then loaded him up with eggs, bacon and hash browns.

"To be determined," Grace said as she poured herself some coffee. "If it's up to me, maybe back to the Bay Area, maybe LA. I don't know. Someplace that's a real city, you know?"

"Don't come to Fallbrook," Tiffany said. "It's definitely not a real city."

"Don't worry, little auntie. As much as I love you and your mom, Fallbrook wasn't on my list," Grace replied with a laugh.

This started a conversation about places to live. Tiffany said she really liked Dublin and London, which got Jeremy talking about how much he enjoys London, too.

"I keep telling Rosie we need to go to London and Paris," Grace said. "She's never been out of the country, you know?"

"That is very common," Emmy commented.

"Well, yeah, here in the US for sure," Grace said. "I mean, it's not like Europe, where everyone's so cosmopolitan and all."

"I think you have a false impression of Europe," Emmy said with a laugh. "Yes, there are many cosmopolitan, worldly people in the major cities, but there are just as many people there who have never left their little part of their country, too."

"Tiffany and I saw that in the UK," Mom agreed. "We met plenty of people living in small villages that had never been to the big city- Glasgow, Manchester, London, wherever. When you'd ask them why not, more often than not they wouldn't even understand the question. To them, 'Why not?' wasn't the right question. The right question was 'Why would I want to?'"

"Exactly!" Emmy agreed. "That is the mentality."

"So, um, London," Grace said, changing the subject a bit. "I told Rosie that you guys bought a place there and we could stay there if we go. That's cool with you two, right?"

"That is perfectly fine," Emmy said. "When do you think you might go?"

"Oh, God, not until summer," Grace said. "If I want cold and rain I'll go back to Arcata."

"I am certain that my parents would be happy to have you stay with them in Paris," Emmy volunteered.

"I don't think Rosie is ready for that just yet," Grace said, which got a laugh from Emmy.

"I like Emmy's mom!" Tiffany objected. "She's nice!"

"Zaffira and Alexandre are good people, but they can be a little intimidating," Mom admitted. "I can imagine they might be a bit overwhelming for Rosalie."

"Exactly!" Grace said. "They're nice, but so formal… I don't know if Rosie would be able to take it. And I've never told her about the whole king and queen thing, either. That might freak her out, too."

"Understandable," Tiffany said, nodding.

Emmy and I went over to Michael and Vivian's condo that afternoon to give them their presents and visit for a little bit. Amy loved the dark gray wool Chesterfield coat and matching beret that Emmy had bought for her, very pleased that hers matched the navy coat and beret we'd gotten for Jassie.

"This is really cool," Vivian said, examining the four-pack of tickets to see The Lion King on Broadway. "There's no date?" she said, puzzled.

"Redeemable any time you want," I told her. "You'll need to call the box office and tell them when you want to see the show, and they'll set it up."

"We'll have to go before Jass goes back to Williams," Vivian said, showing the tickets to Michael.

"Call the box office tomorrow," Michael urged, smiling at the idea of taking the two girls to a Broadway production. "We can get dinner before the show- we'll make an evening of it."

"Times Square is on Broadway, right?" Vivian asked.

Jassie took out her phone and did a quick search. "It is, yeah, but the theater isn't actually on Broadway… Hey! The theater's only like a block away from Times Square!" she said, examining the map app.

"Don't plan on doing too much," I cautioned Vivian in a quiet voice, pointedly glancing at Amy. "You don't want to get tired out before the show even begins."

Vivian nodded that she understood. Changing the subject, she said, "Michael tells me you two have an Upper East Side brownstone?"

"Midtown East," I corrected. "Near the UN building. Our next door neighbor is the Algerian ambassador. There are at least a dozen other embassies or consulates within a few blocks of our place," I said.

"Is it nice? Michael said it was really elegant."

"It's nice," I admitted. "You guys should come over for dinner. My mom and sister are in town right now, and so is our adopted daughter. We have- well, it's not a full house, really, but it's more full than usual."

"I'd like that," Vivian said. "Michael has told me so much about you two for so long I feel like I know you, so it's nice to be able to put faces to all the names."

"He's been telling me about you for a while, too," I said. "I'm really glad you decided to come with him to New York."

"I was worried," Vivian admitted in a low voice. "It's a big step, but I really didn't have much keeping me in the South Bay. It's been good, though. I still haven't found a real job, but to be honest, I haven't been looking too hard, either. Michael has basically said that there's no rush. He makes enough to support all of us, you know? Well, of course you know. I mean, you write his paycheck, right?" Vivian said with a self-deprecating laugh. "But I don't like having nothing to do. I've been thinking of finding something part-time at least so I can be home when Amy gets out of school… I guess I'm not comfortable with being, like, a housewife, you know? But not having to worry about child care is a real bonus, if you know what I mean."

"Well, like you said, Michael has a good job that pays well, but it does involve a lot of travel," I said. "If the two of you do decide that you don't need the additional income, I see nothing wrong with you doing something you like. Maybe volunteering at Amy's school? Or taking classes at the community college? Whatever. This could be good for you, too."

"We've talked about that," Vivian admitted.

In a somewhat quieter voice, I said, "If you're at all concerned about economic stability, don't be. Michael is one of only a few senior vice presidents at my company. I can't imagine the circumstance that would put his job at risk. If he says that he can cover all the household costs and you don't have to worry, he means it."

Suddenly changing the subject, Vivian said, "Hey, there's something I want to show you, to get your opinion," in a more normal volume than we had been using. I followed her upstairs to the corner of the upper living room that had been set up as a home office.

"I don't know how much Michael has told you about my ex," Vivian said once we sat down. "He couldn't hold down a job, you know? Every job he'd get- he had no trouble getting new jobs, because he was, like, really charming and came across as a good guy- but he'd always get fired sooner or later. It seemed like I was the only one with a steady paycheck most of the time, and I only just made enough to barely get by. When Peter finally moved out things got a little bit better, but I never really had any extra. I guess it makes me feel guilty when Michael spends money, well, on Amy in particular, you know? Like her new school- it's so much money! But he's like, 'I want Amy to have the best learning environment possible.' And yeah, so do I, but I can't help but feel…." Vivian said, at a loss for words.

"I think I understand what you mean more than you might think I would," I said with a little laugh. "Growing up, I didn't have money. I took the city bus to school in middle and high school, and worked two jobs. I only got to go to Stanford because of an athletic scholarship, but Emmy's family has tons of money, and I felt the same way you do whenever she spent money on me. Guilty for accepting it, you know?"

"Exactly!" Vivian agreed.

"I got over it," I told her. "Look. Michael makes a good salary, and doesn't spend it frivolously. If he wants to pay to put Amy in an expensive private school, trust that he knows whether he can afford it or not." I paused for a moment, then point-blank asked the question that had been nagging at me. "Do you see a future with Michael? I know it's weird for me to ask, but this has direct bearing on what we've been talking about. I know you two have been dating for a while now, and of course, you moved across the country with him, so that shows a certain level of commitment to the relationship…"

Vivian frowned, but it wasn't at me or the idea of being with Michael. She was clearly frowning at being forced to confront the question.

"Yeah," she finally said. "I mean, he's a great guy and he loves Amy. He's really good to me, too. I can see this being a long-term thing."

"I've known him for a while now, and from what I can tell, he's committed to it, too. Him wanting the best education possible for Amy… Well, that tells me that he's making the assumption that the two of you will be his forever family," I said. "If it doesn't work out, well, it doesn't work out. But it sure looks to me as if he's betting on it working out."

"I think you are correct," Emmy said as I drove us home that night. "I think Vivian and Amy are good for Michael and Jassie."

"I kinda get the impression that Michael already thinks of Amy as a daughter," I agreed. "She certainly seems to think of him as her father figure. Did you notice that neither Michael or Vivian batted an eye when Amy asked him to read a story to her? That made me think that he's the one who reads her bedtime stories."

"Yes," Emmy agreed. "All four of them seemed very comfortable as a family."

"I do hope that they make it work. Vivian and Michael both deserve that happiness."

"Jassie deserves a mother, too, and little Amy deserves a loving father," Emmy added. Emmy slipped into thoughtful silence as we turned off the Brooklyn Bridge and onto the FDR Expressway.

"I think that I may be ready to try to start on our own family again," she finally said, looking out the window at the East River.

"There's no need to rush it, if you're not physically ready," I cautioned. "It's important that you're back up to full strength before we try again."

"It has been nearly half a year," Emmy said, turning to look at me. "I think I have fully recovered. When we get back to Los Angeles I will schedule an appointment with the doctor, but I have felt," she said, pausing to find the right word, "recovered for a little while now. Physically, I mean. Emotionally… Not until now."

I reached over and took her hand, giving it a squeeze. Sometimes words aren't necessary.