Dungeons Just Want to Have Fun

Aris leaned against Anton’s arm as the wagon carried them slowly back to the village where their boat was moored. Kelsey had arranged for the covered wagon ahead of time, of course. They’d waited until nightfall and then slipped across the river under the cover of darkness. Patrols had been light, and easily evaded by people with darkvision.

The three separate explosions that Aris had heard from different parts of the city might have had something to do with why the patrols were so light. Aris hoped that, since the explosions were purely a distraction, collateral damage had been kept to a minimum, but Kelsey’s impish grin when they’d gone off made that hope slim.

She didn’t ask. Asking questions like that was how she’d learned the term collateral damage.

The wagon was slow but unobtrusive. They’d escaped the security cordon before getting to it, and now they could rest while the oxen pulled them the rest of the way. Kelsey was making some noises about replacing them with untiring undead, but that would be more than a little obtrusive.

It was a little cramped, and a little hot. Kelsey had assumed that they’d pick up a few extra gladiators, but Zaphar had exceeded her expectations. It was going to be crowded on the boat back as well. At least Kelsey kept them well-supplied with ice-cold water. And Aris didn’t mind an excuse to sit close to Anton.

On her other side, Soraya was trying to keep as much distance as possible between herself and Aris. She was exceedingly uncomfortable being put into close quarters with ‘sweaty humans’, which was Kelsey’s current source of amusement.

“So are you going to pick one, or what?” Kelsey asked Soraya.

“One what?” Soraya said warily.

“A class.” Looking at the others, Kelsey explained, “She’s topped out Tier one, but she’s still a Merchant Apprentice.”

“Congratulations,” Aris said, trying to inject some real warmth into the word. Soraya was part of the team now, but she was still part of the family that had enslaved Cheia. And she ate human meat as if that was perfectly normal. “If you wanted advice, Anton has studied up on different Classes.”

Anton stirred when she mentioned his name, but didn’t say anything. Soraya bristled, which on a courl meant that some of her fur did stand up.

“I don’t need advice on Classes, it’s perfectly clear what they entail from the names. I’m just uncertain of what my future holds, and so, I’m finding it difficult to determine what Class I should get.”

“Talk to us, sweetie,” Kelsey said with a grin. “I’m curious about what you qualify for.”

Soraya glared at her but sighed. “I suppose it will pass the time,” she said. “And the shame is greatly reduced in this company.”

“Very classy,” Kelsey laughed. “Is that a fancy way of saying that we already know all the terrible things you did that got you better Classes?”

Soraya stared at Kelsey evenly for a long moment. “Yes,” she said shortly.

She sighed again and closed her eyes briefly. “Obviously, having completed Merchant Apprentice, I qualify for Merchant. That’s a Fine class, and what I always thought I would be. However, I’m no longer sure that I will be able to practice that trade in the near future.”

“So what else have you got?” Kelsey asked eagerly.

Soraya frowned. “I did qualify for Theiving Merchant and Penniless Merchant as well. Those are both Fine as well, if decidedly inferior.”

“Don’t be so snobbish,” Kelsey said. “I’ll bet Thieving Merchant would be a lot more useful to you right now, and I imagine other merchants who have lost everything would find Penniless Merchant to have useful traits. I think you can skip that one though. I can bankroll you like I did for Zaphar’s momentary career as a bottle seller.”

“If you should have a need for a merchant, which seems unlikely,” Soraya muttered under her breath. “My other options are more… disturbing. To start with, there is Charming Grifter. I don’t know why a criminal class like that is Rare, but it is.”

“Charming Grifter requires that one of your marks is in love with you,” Anton said, his deep voice rumbling through Aris.

Soraya leaned forward to look around Aris. “What?” she asked intensely.

“One of the people that you’ve… conned,” Anton said. He seemed taken aback. “I suppose it could mean your father? He was the one you tricked out of the ransom, after all.”

“I suppose,” Soraya said. She released Anton from her glare and faced forward again. “I’m not sure that makes me feel any better, though. The other Class of note is Deadly Poisoner. Another Rare.”

“Oooh, take that one!” Kelsey said immediately. “I will give you a shiny thing if you do! Or…” She thought for a second. “Here! A tasty sweet if you pick Deadly Poisoner.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Soraya snapped. “I’m not going to make a decision that determines my life, for a sweet.”

“Two sweets!” Kelsey said. “Three! But that’s my final offer.”

Soraya turned her nose up in response. “I don’t even know why I qualify for that,” she said.

“You poisoned those guards, remember?” Anton said. “And they died.”

“Not from the poison!” Soraya exclaimed. “Tyla stabbed them!”

“But they would have been able to resist if they weren’t poisoned,” Anton said. “So you helped, at least.”

“I don’t believe I ever thanked you for your help in that matter,” Tyla said flatly. She was further down the line, but everyone in the wagon was aware of the current conversation. “So, thank you.”

Soraya’s ears went back, flat to her skull. She struggled to control herself. “I didn’t—they weren’t supposed to—”

She cut herself off and took a deep breath.

“I bet Deadly Poisoner qualifies you for some alchemist Traits,” Kelsey said enticingly. “I can provide reagents and a lab…”

“Don’t you have enough poisons?” Anton asked.

“Bite your tongue, there’s no such thing,” Kelsey said, pouting.

“I’m not taking Poisoner,” Soraya stated firmly.

“Boo!” Kelsey said. “Charming Grifter would be useful—would have been useful— but as you know, we’ve already got a con artist.”

“It’s bad enough that I’ve engaged in such acts,” Soraya said snippishly. “I don’t particularly care to advertise the fact.”

Kelsey shrugged. “Grifter will probably have something to disguise your Class, same as Zaphar’s Fae-Touched Rogue.”

“It seems wasteful to spend a Trait just to conceal your Class,” Soraya said. “And I won’t get any Trait until my second level. I’d have to… grift without that advantage.”

“True, true,” Kelsey said. “But we wouldn’t be having this discussion if you were just going to take Merchant and be done.”

“Well… it is a Rare Class,” Soraya said wistfully. “You don’t just set that aside.”

Aris nodded. She remembered how excited she was to get her Unique Class and how much Suliel was willing to risk for her Epic Class. Higher rarities meant higher Abilities, and rarity almost never went down when you made it to the next tier.

“Suliel says… that there is a need for merchants in Kirido, but she doesn’t know how well a courl merchant would do, trading in Zamarra,” Kelsey said thoughtfully. “Maybe trading in a hostile environment would be worth a better Class?”

“There is such a class,” Soraya said glumly. “Determined Merchant. It’s well known and revered, but it’s hard—the conditions have to be very hostile and you have to do very well. Aiming for it deliberately is considered foolish.”

“There’s Adventurous Trader,” Anton put in. “It’s a Rare Tier Two Class, meant for delvers who want to trade with what they take in the dungeon. The easy way to get it is to have had both the Adventurer and Trader Classes, but I think just Trader will do if you’ve delved a dungeon.”

Soraya shuddered. “No thanks. I have no wish to see what Kelsey is truly like.”

Kelsey grinned. “Aw, these days I’m a soft, little pushover, letting anyone just walk all over and in me.”

“I don’t believe that for a second,” Soraya muttered.

“You can always go back to Merchant when you get a chance to become one,” Aris suggested. “You should probably consider which Class will get the most experience from what comes next.”

“And what will that be?” Soraya asked bitterly. “We’re not expecting any trouble on the way back, are we? And once we are in Kirido, I’m not sure what use I’ll be.”

“Well…” Kelsey said temptingly. “If you were a Poisoner, I could set you up with a lab and you could make all sorts of pretty poisons. And everyone you kill with them will be a nice chunk of experience.”

“I don’t want to kill people!” Soraya protested. “I just want to make a lot of money and live a life of ease!”

“Whoa, that’s crazy talk!” Kelsey said. “Not killing people?”

“You might want to just take Merchant then,” Aris said gently, ignoring Kelsey’s performance. “I’m sure Suliel will be able to find some role for you.”

“Would that be… allowed?” Soraya asked softly, looking at Kelsey.

“Hmm? Oh, you think I’ll make you choose Poisoner? Honestly, do you think I’d be offering you my valuable sweets if I was going to do that?”

“I wasn’t sure,” Soraya said stiffly, “If that was all an elaborate joke at my expense.”

“I would never!” Kelsey protested. Aris was fairly sure that meant it was. “I’m not clear on the etiquette on these things, but Suliel got all kinds of upset when her mother tried to force her away from her Class. I kinda figured it wasn’t the done thing.”

Soraya stared at Kelsey for a second, as if waiting for her to change her mind. “Then I will take Merchant then, unless someone has more advice.”

“Penniless Merchant might be the way to go, I think,” Anton said thoughtfully.

Soraya looked at him. “Why?” she asked.

“Variant classes like that may have equivalent Abilities, but they generally offer better Traits. At the very least, traits more appropriate to the situation the Class refers to, and… you don’t have any money.”

“How much better?” Soraya asked.

“I don’t know. Merchants, more than anybody, keep their traits secret,” Anton said, scowling as if they were keeping secrets from him, specifically.

“Then…” Soraya said, sighing. “I suppose that’s what I’ll do.”

You didn’t get traits on your first level, so there were no immediate revelations about Soraya’s choice. The rest of the journey was uneventful.

Uneventful, that is, until they reached the village where they had left the boat.

“What happened here?” Soraya asked.

The village looked wrecked, reminding Aris uncomfortably of her hometown when the raiders had come. Fires had damaged about half of the buildings. Smoke and bodies were everywhere. Most of them wore Elitran uniforms, but not all of them.

The remaining villagers were gathering bodies and cleaning up desultorily. Several of them looked at the wagon as they approached, but no one hailed them or came near.

“Cheia,” Aris whispered. “We should have brought her.”

“At least the boat is still there,” Kelsey said, pointing beyond the village. The Whiskerwind was floating out in the bay. They had left it tied to the small jetty that was all that the fishing village boasted, but it was still here.

“Cheia!” Aris shouted, jumping out of the wagon and running into the village. She headed for the jetty, but she kept an eye out for anyone she knew. She recognised some of the villagers, but they shied away from her, ducking around corners or into ruined buildings.

Something about the damage to the buildings impinged on Aris’s mind. There was more general fire damage, that was true. But a lot of the buildings had holes in them that didn’t look like sword or axe or spear damage. The bodies she passed had familiar-looking gunshot wounds.

By the time she got to the pier, the Whiskerwind had started moving. Aris could hear the throb of its engine as it clumsily turned toward the jetty and started moving.

As it got closer, Aris could see that it was packed with her fellow townsfolk.

“Cheia!” she yelled, and a small figure came forward, waving. Aris sobbed with relief.

By the time the ship reached the dock, the others had caught up. Cheia was the first to get off the ship, and Aris grabbed her before the younger girl got both feet on dry land.

“Cheia! I was so worried!” Aris sobbed.

“It’s fine sis, everyone is fine,” Cheia said. She managed to pry herself free and looked nervously at the group.

“I can explain,” she said.