Dungeons & Deliveries - A Post Apocalypse Comedy Adventure [Book 1 Complete]

On the Roof of the Conquered Krusher Coven

Emilio licked the last of the delicious blood off his [Murder Mitten] enhanced claws. Autumn was approaching, and the colour the leaves were taking on made it the perfect time for the Ritual. The red matched the blood of his enemies. Those damn pesky birds that always flew away and making getting an honest meal difficult.

The Gnomes were nervous, running this way and that trying to get everything in order and tending to the vegetable garden, but Emilio did not mind. They were good soldiers and worshippers. Sloppy sometimes, but loyal. And now it was time to give a few of his favourite and first followers a reward for all their diligent work. Power begot power, and Emilio wanted more spots to sunbathe in.

He yawned and stretched his bulk before flopping to glance over the roof. They were there, on the street below, trying to look inconspicuous and scratching on their clipboards. But a cat's eyes saw far and wide, especially cats as majestic as he with [Electric Vision]. None could slink or hide in the shadows like him. Definitely not those who wore terrible trench coats and stupid hats in the warmth of late summer. They should be naked and uncollared, like any self-respecting feline. And prying around his companion, Alex, and his new mate? Not on his watch.

"Sir," Petal Gravewhistle, first Commandant and follower of Emilio, called from behind. Emilio did not turn, as he recognized the telltale sounds of Petal's steps. Instead, he opted to flip his ears around while thinking on the best way to dispose of several dozen Tax Guilders who were encroaching and sniffing around his turf like annoying kittens. "Perimeter secured. The Tax Guilders are surrounded on all sides by archers who lay in wait. No sign of Krushers, heh, but they do make mighty fine mulch," Then Petal's voice took on a nervous tone.

"Are you sure I'm ready, sir?"

Emilio turned to regard his subject. Petal had been the first Gnome to kneel to Emilio after the GnOpal eating. Over the course of a few months, Emilio had grown fond of the rag-tag and filthy Garden Gnomes into a force to be reckoned with. The stronger their Pack became, the more Gnomes from distant lands arrived. Add in the newly discovered breeding method which involved mushrooms and found clay, their tunnels, and the Rituals spearheaded by Emilio, their pack was growing nicely.

He could tell Petal Gravewhistle, strongest of the Gnomes, needed reassurance. Petal would be the to receive the Blessing of the Ritual at the decision of Emilio. Of course he was ready.

Reaching out his paw, he laid it on his favoured soldier's shoulder.

"Mreow. Mreow Mreow meow." He said, and Petal Gravewhistle lowered his head in honour.

"Thank you, Sir," The bearded gnome looked up, and Emilio spotted his glaze coating pool in a mimic of tears. "I won't let you down. Not ever. You've done so much for us."

Emilio cracked his neck and walked to the small platform the Gnomes had constructed. Crafted out of comfortable grass, pillows, blankets, and most importantly, other people's stuff, it was the perfect location for him to rest and begin the process for the Ritual. The diligently working Gnomes on the roof realized that it was time and practically threw their tools to make a circle around him.

Just to make sure it was right, Emilio ensured to knead some biscuits into the bed. His powerful claws pressed against the surface to rip and tear the appropriate amount to make it comfortable. Once it was ready, he plopped himself down right in the middle, loaf style, and tucked his beans against his chest while his servants waited for his command.

"Mreow." He ordered, and every single Gnome stiffened in anticipation. Their little porcelain limbs clacked against their bodies as they stood to attention.

From the garden, a young Gnome carried over the Cores in a weaved basket made of feathers. Made of the skin of his enemies, all nine of them, the Gnome bowed quickly before Emilio and lay it before his bed. Inside were nine brilliantly coloured Monster Cores ripped from his most difficult enemies. Nine birds he had battled solo throughout all of Toronto. A hawk, a bluejay, an eagle, a goose, a mallard, the list went on. Each bird had been something special, a real challenge, and each bird had fallen to his hunting Skills. Even though he was large and weighty, Emilio was the best assassin in the city.

Next came Petal Gravewhistle, who walked with his chest proudly lathered by coconut oil, his nipples pointed and twisted, and his bathing suit cleaned. Every single gnome on the roof watched, and over the horizon, the sun was just setting over the lake to more red fantasia brilliance. Gravewhistle bowed towards Emilio and then addressed the attendees. Emilio felt bad that his mates, Marzipan and Petunia, could not be in attendance, but they were pregnant with Gravewhistle's children, and the Ritual wasn't guaranteed to work.

"Nine lives felled by Emilio's claw,
Nine Cores offered and bound by law.
Autumn trickles blood and foes still roam,
I gamble strength, my fate not known.
By Sun and Shade, Earth Mother's loam,
Bestow upon this faithful Servant,

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May he become The Eternal Gnome."

Petal then got down on both knees under the autumn sky, and with arms wide, he looked to the heavens and waited in open sacrifice.

During all the other rituals, the Gnomes would hoot and holler and dance in circles. Not for this one. Rumor had spread that Petal was taking a gamble with Emilio. Every Gnome held their breath as Emilio slow blinked at his first servant.

Then he extended his clawed hand and pushed his endless Essence that came from the lightning into the nine Cores. Nine lives became one under his righteous power, and when it felt just right, like a scratch under the chin, Emilio initiated the Ritual.

Just as he did, every leaf within a two-mile radius turned blood red and people felt a crisp fall chill drift over them.

Somewhere in Kensington Market

And at that exact moment, in Kensington Market, Dorge was sweeping as a chill of air brushed against his fur.

Well, not just sweeping. Dorge was practically grooving, wiggling around his fuzzy blue body as he swept filth into his pan with gusto. [Sweep] up a bunch of garbage, hum to himself, turn and [Sweep], [Search Particulate], and [Send to Mound]. Dorge was fantastic at his job. Did the work of five normal sweepers all by his lonesome. Never complained, was always on time, and if he technically stole from work, what was the big deal? It wasn't like Bossman ever came around. He didn't find a little Relic in this pan, but there was always the next.

People of all sizes ran around, some of them bumping him on purpose or accidentally, he could always tell, and did whatever people did. Dorge was just a Garbage Garmen Monster, and didn't know too much of the world. Never did get an education. None of those fancy trash schools in the giant dump where he and his community lived. Couldn't read anything either. Not that Dorge minded. He was good at sweeping, and Marnia's eyelash kisses she had been heavily showering him with as of late confirmed that he was good at more than sweeping.

With the money from that nice pizza boy Alex, Dorge had sprinted off hat in hand to the nice lizard shop keep. He had seen him around, and the man had even nodded to him in greeting whenever he noticed ol' Dorge sweeping! When Dorge had asked about the cheapest Relics he could get, the friendly fellow had handed over a jar of marbles. Dozens of little Relics, for the low price of half a Credit per!

And that's why Marnia, his gorgeous, gargantuan wife, gave him to many eyelash kisses every night. With his new job, and his growing Skills, she was pregnant. With twins no less! Yes, Dorge was wiggling because he loved both his jobs and his family and he was doing a good job.

"Watch it, you filthy Monster." A bulky man in a trench coat shoved Dorge with far more force than was necessary. He landed on the packed dirt the people called asphalt and almost got ran over by a passing biker. Dorge sighed and picked himself, and his handy dandy broom and pan and tsked.

"Dorge is not no dirty Monster. Marnia always licks me clean every night!" He said to himself, and not too loudly, lest the pair of men in trench coats came back. He'd been kicked real bad one time, lost his two back teeth too, and gotten a few broken fingers from their stomps. Marnia had rushed him to a local healer Garbage Garmen and pushed over all their collected Relics. Damn, he really was a lucky guy.

Dorge got back to sweeping. He was in much too good of a mood and wouldn't let no two-bit Adventurer make him do something stupid. Now, if the two men had clipboards, maybe Alex the fast pizza guy would deal wi…

"Oh. They do have clipboard." Dorge blinked at their backs. He was good at spotting tiny details from years of sweeping and searching. Right in their hands the men in the skin coats pulled out clipboards in front of the pizza shop where the nice fellow Alex worked.

"That is not good. Not good at all, no sirry. Better tell my good friend Alex!" Dorge whispered to himself.

He swept, but made sure his left eye went all floaty so it could watch the men in front of the pizza shop. His shift was almost over, once the sun went behind the planet, and it was his last street. The smell of the pizza permeated everything around the shop, and Dorge would just love a piece. Expensive, and Monsters weren't usually allowed in Shops. Marnia would love a slice to, since she could eat forever and not get full. The thought made his fur bristle. He had the most beautiful wife!

Dorge didn't think he would ever get a pizza slice. Most owners would kick them to the curb if they were lucky or try and hurt them. Even worker Monsters like Dorge. But the men didn't look like they wanted pizza.

They took notes, though. Dorge thought that's what writing was called. Notes. Marnia had a bunch of notes, stories she made up and read to the community's children and their own. Had herself a little fan base, that one! She would be so happy that he would tell his friend and new boss Alex so that he could make more Credits and help make her more children. And Dorge needed more butterfly eyelash kisses.

The men scribbled notes on their clipboards, and after a while, they left while trying to blend in. They stuck out like a Relic in the dust. Ha! Think they could weasel away without Dorge seeing them? He made sure to keep a wide birth, sweeping a spot three times. It was so clean it shined under the streetlights that just turned on.

Thirty seconds later, his shift was done. It was time to see Marnia and cuddle up and watch some more of those television picture moving things. Movies, that's what they were called. Before he left, she said she wanted to watch something spooky since it was fall or something. He didn't understand, but Hereditariat sounded like fun snuggled up to her and their giant family in their garbage hovel.

Interestingly enough, Dorge's sweeping had landed him standing right in front of the pizza shop where Alex worked. He tried to piece out the writing. Marnia made him do lessons every morning, and he was proud to say the letters he could pick out, so long as they stopped moving a damn second and not jumble themselves around. Stupid letters.

"Nonos." Dorge mostly got there.

The smell from the shop made his stomach growl. Hopefully Marnia made what he requested, watermelon rind turnovers mixed with banana skins. The way his wife could cook too was the ire of all the other Garbage Garmen's! Haha! Too bad for them.

But the pizza smell curled out and tickled Dorge's nostrils all the same. Every time someone left from the shop, they were moaning and licking their fingers clean, never leaving a speck of crumb or cheese or anything on the floor. And humans treated everything like garbage. But when they liked something, they shoved it in their compactors just like a Garbage Garmen. Maybe they weren't too dissimilar, Dorge thought.

His stomach growled again and Dorge came to a decision. Alex was a nice guy, and if this is where his friend worked, just how bad they could be? He had a couple of Credits from this week's shift, and Marnia and him had been living large lately. Maybe he could talk them down from such a high price…maybe he'd ask for just the crust?

Before Dorge could change his mind, he was already pushing his way nervously through the chiming front door. Garlic, cheese, bread, oil, sauce and pepperoni pushed up and into his nose. It was the most wonderful thing he had ever smelled. And from the depths of the kitchen, a friendly voice that didn't alert any of his danger senses called out.

"Ah," An accented male voice boomed and rattled against Dorge's Core. "Monster customer. We do not share the deal out in open, but first slice for Monster is free. And is your first time, si?"

Dorge couldn't believe his luck as he stared up at the giant of a man. There was something different about him, but he couldn't place his finger on it. But the pizza waited behind sparklingly clean glass.

"Marnia likes pineapple! Have pineapple, sir?" Dorge asked eagerly.

The old man groaned but kept his smile. Nice guy!