NOVEL NEXT Book 1 - Chapter 30 - Do Not Honk That
"To build a stationary palisade of relaxation for Emilio is an honour, Alex," Petal Gravewhistle said through gritted teeth as he twisted another poorly made scratching post in. "But this is an affront to architecture, Gnomish or otherwise." Petal tightened the cat condo post too hard. Alex flinched as he heard the crappy wood made of sawdust splinter. The Garden Gnome stepped back and inspected his work.
"I don't think that's how you're supposed to do it, Petal." Alex flipped through the dictionary sized instructions, which didn't help at all.
"Silence!" Gravewhistle bellowed, his blue floral bathing suit riding up as he stood on the half built second story base with a heroically placed foot. "The structure must withstand the burdens of destiny! And Emilio's formidable weight." Alex tried to hold the second tower of the condo upright. He had Gravewhistle's absurdly firm glutes next to his head.
"Why do you even have abs?" Alex mumbled as he reached the second monstrosity together. Hopefully that's where the screw was supposed to go. He didn't think that the other one had this specific bolt. How did that make sense? Weren't they the same thing?
"Because," Gravewhistle grunted as he attempted to shove the base into a slot. Alex couldn't understand why the condos were so damn complicated. It was platforms, posts, and hole, "the Steward of Sun and shade must be prepared! Physically, mentally! For love and battle."
"Ok, but your butt has been in my face the entire time, dude." Gravewhistle didn't chime back, but growled. The board he was punching into place cracked and settled, now at least level. Then Gravewhistle stood up and smacked his hands together as if it was a job well done. "...This was supposed to be easy."
"A lie!" Petal said as he righted his shoddy work with more stomps. "A devious, mass manufactured lie." Just then the unfinished second tower tipped. Alex caught it before it tipped over onto Emilio, who sat a few feet away surrounded by empty cat food cans and rummaged through Alex's bag of loot.
After driving home in a haze of poverty and new purchases, Alex had thrown himself into the cat condo builds to distract himself from the sting of watching 200 Credits vanish into the parking ticket. After Mr. Mystical's reading, he decided to trust his gut and paid the ticket, which disintegrated into dust upon payment. Nice, neat, and tidy, with a little 'Thank you!' System notification. Did he have any idea how he was supposed to pay for the date? Nope. 33 Credits didn't get you far, and it looked like he'd be buying coffees and air.
When he had stumbled into his room, Petal Gravewhistle, who was standing guard for Emilio, had immediately declared his aide, then spent most of the build either breaking things or standing guard in the windowsill. Emilio had body hugged Alex, eaten four cans of food, napped, and was now sifting through the bag of tips like the cheeky little cat he was. Mary had sensed Alex's mood and gone to her room to tinker. She hadn't even made a comment about the mountain of concerning texts Snu had sent him throughout the day while they were shopping.
With a final screw, the second cat condo was complete. It did let out a groan and leaned into the first one, which was much better built. The tilt wasn't ideal, but stacked next to each other they would likely hold Emilio's frame. Petal jumped from the tower onto Alex's bed and held his hand out at a distance and squinted an eye to see the level. He gave the structure a nod. Alex had to admit, without Petal on it, the second structure looked better. Was Emilio already on it and testing it? No, but it was a definite upgrade to his cat's life. "Perfect," Petal said before turning to Emilio and saluting. "For the ruler of Sun and Shade!"
Then the muscular gnome grunted and backflipped off the bed to return to his post on the windowsill. Petal Gravewhistle crouched and scanned the backyard like a SEAL, giving quick hand signals. Alex assumed he was signing to the Gnomes laying in wait. Alex turned to Emilio and gave him a deep scratch behind the ears.
"You've got a good team, man," he said to his cat. Emilio let out a chirp and returned to sorting through Alex's bag, probably digging around for another GnOpal. He'd spent 400 Credits on the condos, and the cat just ignored them. He'd probably still nap and take up most of Alex's bed.
The build had helped the opening pit in his stomach. He still felt like a broke boy, but it helped take his mind off of it. His cat had a house inside of his house now. Two houses, actually, when you thought about it. He'd already resigned himself to figuring out something clever for his date with Snu that didn't cost more than 33 Credits. That was after he survived the night with the bracelet. But Snu's messages still had him a bit worried for his personal safety.
He walked over to the cracked device and picked it up, seeing only more messages had been sent.
SNU: YOU ALIVE?
SNU: are you mad at me?
SNU: comeover later. bring that tongue
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SNU: no, dont. Im over it.
SNU: are we still on for tmw?
"Yeah….that's still happening. What do I even say?" Alex asked himself aloud. He'd never been fantastic with girls, and he didn't know what to say back. She had sent him over 20 messages, ranging from 'hey,' to slightly unhinged ones like 'why are boys like this always," to 'do you hate me?'. He still wanted to go on a date with her, and he did suppose she was a lonely succubus, but it raised his hackles a bit.
Petal Gravewhistle cleared his throat from the windowsill. "If I may offer wisdom, Alexander," he began and crossed his muscular arms. "I have, as is the sacred duty as protector of the Great One, reviewed the messages from your suitor."
"You read my texts!?"
"I reviewed the transmissions," Petal responded. "They were erratic. Passionate, I would say. To have a woman threaten your knee caps? One would only be so lucky. It is the mark of a dangerous woman." Alex went to respond but stopped himself.
"Fear not," Gravewhistle continued while holding up a tiny finger. "In matters of courtship, do not be swayed by the chaos. Look into the true intentions. And I'd say her intentions are good."
He wasn't sure how old Petal was. How could you tell when the System came 20 years ago? Wouldn't that make him and Alex the same age? Alex groaned. "Why does every old dude I meet try to give me girl advice?"
"Because we have survived them! Courted them!" Gravewhistle declared. "My two wives are vicious warriors each," Petal pounded himself proudly on his glistening chest. "One commands the Niagara Lilac Front. The other heads the needlepoint syndicate."
"That's actually kind of badass. Two wives? Petal, you dog."
"I wake each morning to sparring and eggs," Gravewhistle said. "Do you not yet know the joy of being tackled by love and wrestled to breakfast? Or weeeeeeping openly as you share haikus about your lover?" He raised his hand like he was singing Shakespeare. "Ah, the scent of passion. Of love!"
"Yeah. You're right. I think I'm going to send her a meme. And maybe tell her I'm excited for our date?" Alex asked.
"Send it proudly," Gravewhistle said. "With full intent! And if you must, duel all her exes. This is the ancient way of the first Garden Gnomes."
"I can't duel anyone, Gravewhistle. You know that. I have to get by on my wits. Not everyone can be a psycho warrior." Alex lifted up his skinny arm.
"Then make her laugh! Now go. Be bold, be clever! And do not fear a fearsome woman." Gravewhistle turned and went back to his watch.
"Thanks, man," Alex said, already typing back. "That was surprisingly helpful. I guess she is lonely, and likes me?"
Alex: yes, we're on tmw. No, i don't hate you. Will bring the tongue. Do not screen shot that. just busy
He then sent her a meme of pufferfish as well. Snu immediately responded.
Snu: GREAT. Pick me up at 6. dont be late 😘
Alex nodded to himself and felt much better. He tossed his phone back onto the floor and flopped onto his bed. Looking over, he saw Emilo pawing loot out of the tip bag. Emilio had hissed at the cursed bracelet while they'd been building the condos, and Alex had been forced to hide it away in his desk. He relaxed into his stiff and lumpy mattress and was just about to turn on the tunes when Emilio's weight jumped back onto the bed next to him. Alex turned to look at his cat. The greedy guy probably wanted him to open another can or get more scratches.
"Don't honk that! Don't! It's only for emergencies!" Alex sat bolt up right.
Emilio held the [Screeching Banshee Horn] in his mouth, the tip he had gotten from Lord Loopy. It's little red rubber ball was a sliver away from Emilio's mouth. With absolutely no regard for danger or Alex's anxiety, his cat tilted his head and placed it gently on the bed in front of him. Gravewhistle leapt from the window and landed beside the horn.
Emilio stared into Alex's eyes and gave a casual flick of his paw. A little bolt of lightning arced from his beans and pinged the brass horn.
"Ooooooh," Gravewhistle gasped. "The Girthy One has given you a gift." Alex immediately narrows his eyes and [Investigated] the horn.
[Screeching Banshee Horn]
[Note: Honking will alert Emilio, wherever you are.]
Gravewhistle stood tall on the bed with a swelling chest. "Veritable Girth has granted you a Calling!" he shouted then saluted. "Know this, Alex. When you honk, we will hear it too."
"What do you mean 'we'? Like all the Garden Gnomes?"
Gravewhistle had already sat cross legged on the bed. The Gnome reached down, and somehow his stuck on bathing suit shifted. He pulled a tiny gnome sized jar of coconut oil from his pocket, unscrewed the lid, and scooped out a dollop.
"The Great One has marked you as one in need of his personal aid." he said while massaging his porcelain abs with a little bit too much intensity for Alex's comfort. "Allow me to assist, my comrade! Speak your strategy, and let Petal Gravewhistle assist in your success."
Emilio flopped beside Alex and curled into his side. Guess the cat preferred his warmth over the condo. Alex felt a lot better. He might not have any money, and no idea what the hell he was planning for the date. But Emilio clearly wanted to help him with his plans for the bracelet. Things really didn't seem so bad. If anything, it all seemed possible. He gave Emilio a rough scratching behind his ears, and the cat pressed into him. He didn't think of his music at all.
"Alright," he said while avoiding looking at Gravewhistle's nipples, which seemed to be getting a second helping. "Here's what I'm planning…"