Dungeons & Deliveries - A Post Apocalypse Comedy Adventure [Book 1 Complete]

"Mmm. Sleazeball Teeth," Jesmin muttered as he held up the golden teeth with his clawed hand to his one OK eye. He gave the teeth from the young street rat Adventurers a sniff and met Alex's look. "These boost Negotiation Skills. Two of 'em and the Stone Sword's covered. Deal?"

They were crammed into Jemin's neverending shop. Something like a spiderweb hummed a creepy wind chime tune behind the professional lizardman merchant and cheap Magic DollaramaStore lights illuminated the space. Mary twirled a strand of her curly black hair as she listened to Jemin give Alex's loot haul a proper examining. Beepy and Zippy watched Jemin work with rapt attention and little beeps of awe.

Alex watched his swollen friend suspiciously. "Deal," he agreed. So far, Jemin hadn't answered any questions about why his face had turned pulpy. The lizard man threw the unwashed golden teeth into his mouth. The teeth slotted into Jemin's gums with a little pop and puff of purple smoke. He flashed the ragtag crowd a greasy golden smile.

"Yeah. Sleazeball Teeth," Mary said, a little dazed. "You know so much about stuff. And things." Alex and Beepy gave her a weird look. He'd never seen her look impressed with anyone before. Wasn't she into girls? Did he have that wrong? Maybe just not Alex. Maybe both guys and girls? Jemin was oblivious and moved onto the next item.

Alex handed Jemin the grimy water bottle potion. According to Mary, when he drank the potion it would clean and help his Core. Jemin gave the liquid a slosh and uncapped it. The stench of ammonia punched the air and Zippy retreated three feet into the air. Jemin grinned with his new golden teeth. "Ah. Stink Scrub. Yeah, give yourself a day or two after you bathe with this. You'll stink like a troll in a swamp, but it'll clean your Core right out. Grow faster after, too."

Ah, so don't drink it. That might have been bad.

"Very good," Jemin looked over the haul on the table. "Good shit. New job's treating you well. Maybe I will work with you lot. This is just one day of tips? This has me stinking of the upward momentum. I'm in." Alex internally fist pumped, but knew before they showed up that Jemin would agree. No one liked loot like the lizardman.

"HAHAHAHA," Mary laughed too loudly at Jemin's terrible joke. "Yeah Alex, we'll sell tip loot for you. Jemin can teach me about things and stuff and you keep the good stuff for yourself?" She was smiling at him and giving him the "get the hell out of here, please," look.

Alex was pulling out the boned friendship bracelet and looked between Mary and Jemin. Yeah…he definitely felt like he was third wheeling. Fifth wheeling if you counted Beepy and Zippy. But he had a weird feeling about the bracelet and wanted to check it before he went to the Merchant Guild where he would get his Tax Chit. He'd leave Mary and Jemin to nerd out. Would give her an opportunity to show off her drones, which Jemin had shown interest in after ignoring Alex's questions about his physical state.

He held out the porous yellowed bracelet and and began to hand it to Jemin. The lizardman recoiled with a hiss and flicking his tongue out like a whip. "Cursed" he spat and snatched his hand back. "Nope. Nope nope nope. We're not selling that."

"Cursed?" Mary leaned closer. "How cursed?"

"Like…you plant that somewhere and it's cursed for at least a decade. My high level [Appraise] just tells me its strong. Could be a tax audit that never ends. Could be a giant Death Flower like they had at that Slipknot concert last year. We're not going to find out." Jemin crossed his arms. "Definitely not staying here."

"Uh…so what do I do with it?" Alex held the thing like it was a rotten bag of meat.

"Seal it in something. Throw it in the lake. Just don't bring it back here. And keep it on the move, the Magic only sets in when it's sitting still." Beepy beeped nervously, and Zippy projected a holographic crossbones emoji over Alex's chest.

"Can I study it? For…experiments? Maybe make your car a Death Car? Haunt it?" Mary asked hopefully.

"No," Alex and Jemin said together.

"Rude," Mary responded as Alex slipped it back in his loot bag. He thought of multiple uses for the cursed thing. There were quite a few shady companies and corrupt homeless shelters that definitely deserved it. He'd think on it before cursing a place for ten years though. He started backing towards the door. "Alright, kids. You two start organizing and selling. It's Tax Chit time."

Stolen content alert: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

"Goodluck," Jemin said as he examined a giggling Beepy with his claws. Then the lizard man looked up sharply as if remembering something. "Wait. You're going alone?"

"Yeah," Alex pretended like there was nothing to worry about and started walking out. "See you guys later. Take care of that eye, Jemin."

"No, damnit Alex," Jemin scrambled from behind the desk. "Ok fuck I'll tell you." The lizard man huffed and Alex looked back innocently. He knew Jemin would never let anything bad happen to him. Street rats looked after each other, and Jemin was one of the oldest ones around. "Ok, yes. It was the Krushers."

"Bastards, I knew it," Mary said. "They don't know who the hell they're messing with." She cracked her knuckles. Beepy beeped angrily and shot a thin jet of fire from the top of his head. The apparently sentient spiderweb windchimes danced out of the way. "No fire indoors Beepy! Don't make me take away your butane." The little bot let out a deflated whirr.

"Why? Why did they do this to you?" Alex asked, sticking to the actual problem.

Jemin rubbed his snout and went back to lean on the counter. "Don't know. But they upped my payments. Just sent one of their bruisers and told me I was behind on protection. Everyone around here's scared."

"Think it's tied to me? To Nino's?"

Jemin gave him a long look with his good eye. "Don't glow too bright, Alex. Just be careful. Words starting to get out about a certain Lich that's making moves. Make your money, but stay safe. This loot," he gestured to the table of Relics. "It's too good to pass up. We're going to do this right. They just like people to be under someone. And by someone I mean them."

Alex nodded and sucked his teeth. He checked his phone and saw he had two hours before his shift started. Better get moving. Jemin continued with a final warning. "Just be careful. Merchant Guild is neutral, sure, but if the Krushers are watching…,"

"I'll be careful. And fast."

Alex left Mary and Jemin with the bots and the loot. As he stepped back into the alley, a muffled burst of lizard laughter slipped through the shop door behind him. He couldn't remember the last time he'd heard Jemin laugh like that. Sounded like they were hitting it off. Alex nodded to the Dumpster Monster who wiggled a googly eye at him and gave a satisfied burble from somewhere deep in its metal belly.

He stepped through the alley and over a fresh hole in the dirt that hadn't been there before. It was small and round and neat. He paused. From inside the hole he swore he could hear the faintest little sound. Like scrambling and a scratchy high-pitched voice chanting something about "the next phase,".

"The hell…" he muttered and continued on. There wasn't anything or anyone in the alley. Those weird Gnomes were gone.

He continued on. Regardless of Jemin's state he knew they could handle it together. Jemin had survived far worse, and nothing made Alex angrier than bullies. Even though he knew it was decidedly evil, maybe the bone bracelet would find a nice home sooner than it realized. With Jemin's knowledge and shop they'd be able to sell the tips that Alex got from his deliveries. Mary would learn a ton and actually get out from behind her magical electronic desk. Knowing her, she was probably already convincing Jemin to let her set up just a little corner. He pulled out his phone and shot Mary a text just to mess with her.

Alex: Have fun 😉. Don't mess it up.

He then responded to Mistress Snu's text from before. The one that read:

Mistress Snu: YOU SHOWED HER MY UNDERWEAR? If you don't like them, give them back.

He shot back at her.

Alex: Dearest customer, you are right. If you would like a refund, please put in a formal request to our HR team.

He shoved his phone back into his pocket and picked up the pace. It was hot, but not gross-hot, and the Merchant Guild Building wasn't far. Nestled inside the newly fortified Downtown Eaton Center Mall, the place had been rebuilt after the Dungeon Breaks thanks to enough taxed Credits to fund a small country. With two hours to spare before his shift, he had enough time to get his Merchant registration, grab a Tax Chit from the Tax Guild, and grab a snack. Scratch that. He wanted to save his appetite for Nina's food.

Just because the world now ran on magic and Skills didn't mean the new Council Government of Ontario skipped out on paperwork. Someone had to rebuild the roads, keep the populace in check, and handle the fallout when enchanted vending machines achieved sentience and unionized lasy year. The taxes were high and the paperwork was higher, but no one escaped the Tax Guild.

He adjusted his bag and started walking faster. It only held the bracelet and Stink Scrub, but his pockets were full. Hopefully, neither Britanii nor the Krushers would sniff him out before he got there. He tapped his [Audio Player] Skill, queued up something old-school, and smiled as Blink 182 blared in his ears. Their lead singer had vanished into a Dungeon and reemerged four years later with a Legendary Skill that could allegedly melt the minds of world leaders. Still, Alex liked their early stuff.

He was almost at the Eaton Center when his phone buzzed again. Two messages.

Mary: ALEX IM BLIND MY PHONE READS MY MESSAGES OUT LOUD WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

Mistress Snu: Oh, I did put in a formal request. Ordered Nina's Saturday Special. Last delivery slot too. See you tonight, errand boy 😉. I'll put a shortcut for u.

Alex nearly face placed into a pile of enchanted flowers.