Drowner: Becoming Defekt

Kai

I think I'm getting used to getting beat up.

"Ugh."

The groan escapes me as I try to sit up, but every movement sends a sharp reminder of my latest dance with the floor. The pain is almost comforting now—a familiar sense of déjà vu. My body aches all over, every muscle screaming in protest.

I blink a few times, the dim lights of the base slowly coming into focus. My head feels like it's been through a blender, and I can taste the faint metallic tang of blood on my lip.

"What the hell happened?" I mutter, mostly to myself.

"You happened," comes a dry voice. I look up to see Luna standing over me, arms crossed, a mix of amusement and concern on her face.

"You're lucky we didn't let you stay in that state," she says, handing me a water bottle.

"Thanks," I mumble, taking a sip and wincing as the movement sends a sharp pain through my ribs.

"Caden's idea of training is going to kill me one of these days," I add, glancing around. Caden and Vlad are in the distance, talking in hushed tones. Eugene is back at his desk, typing away like nothing happened.

Luna snorts. "You're not dead yet. That's a win."

"Barely."

She crouches down to meet my eyes, her expression softening. "You did good, you know. Even if you don't remember it. They're just trying to figure you out."

I let out a tired laugh, resting my head against the wall. "I feel like a science experiment."

"Caden wants to talk with you," Luna says softly, her usual smirk replaced with a more neutral expression.

"Should I expect another beating?" I ask, half-joking, but really hoping for a no.

She chuckles. "Well, you did break his nose."

"Wait, what?"

"Yep," she says, stifling another laugh. "He's healed now, though. Perks of being a Defekt. Anyway, I'll leave you to it."

I groan as I push myself to my feet, every step toward Caden feeling heavier than the last. He's standing with Vlad, their conversation halting the second I approach.

"I'm sorry for doing that again," I say quickly, my voice low, hoping to diffuse any lingering tension.

Caden grins, breaking into an easy laugh as he slings his arm around my neck. "No worries, ma guy. You gave me a decent workout."

That… was not the response I was expecting.

"Luna said you wanted to talk to me?" I ask, still wary.

Caden nods, his grin fading into something more thoughtful. "Yeah. Let's go for a smoke on the roof."

"Uh, I don't smoke."

"Then consider it a scenic chat," he replies, already leading the way.

The cold air fills my lungs as we step onto the roof, the city lights flickering in the distance. The wind carries a biting chill, sharp and refreshing.

"It's night? How the hell? It was morning," I say, irritated as I glance up at the dark sky.

Caden chuckles, pulling a cigarette from his pocket and lighting it with an easy flick. "Perks of being knocked out by me. You sleep a long time."

I shoot him a look but let it go. "Is this about the Predator State?" I ask.

He exhales a stream of smoke, the ember of the cigarette glowing faintly in the dark. "Yeah, but before you ask—no, I'm not going to make you do that again."

Relief floods me, but it's short-lived as he continues. "Now I'm certain it's too dangerous a weapon to use lightly. That thing—you—could've killed me back there."

"I want to ask you something," I say, my voice firm. "Don't ever make me do that again."

Caden looks at me for a long moment, then nods. "Don't worry, Kai. I won't." He takes another drag, his face unreadable. "But if it happens again…"

I cut him off, my tone cold and unwavering. "If it does, I need you to promise me something."

He arches a brow but doesn't interrupt.

"End me. You're the only one who can, I think," I say, the words falling heavy between us. I don't let any trace of doubt or hesitation creep into my voice.

Caden exhales slowly, the smoke swirling between us like a ghost. "Kai…" He trails off, his usual casual demeanor replaced by something far more serious. "That's a hell of a thing to ask."

"I mean it," I insist, holding his gaze. "If I lose control again, if it comes to that—don't hesitate."

Caden doesn't answer immediately. He stares out at the city lights, his jaw tight, his cigarette burning down to ash. "Alright," he says finally, his voice low. "But let's hope it never comes to that." 

Caden takes a long drag from his cigarette, his gaze steady on me as the embers glow faintly in the dark. "I have a question, though," he says, exhaling smoke into the cold air. "Why do you hate Defekts so much? I mean, you gave up on living just because you were one."

The question hits harder than I expect, even though it's not the first time I've heard it. Luna asked me the same thing on the way to the base. And just like before, I hesitate. The words stick in my throat, heavy and raw.

"My father was killed by one," I finally say, the confession coming out in a whisper. My voice cracks without permission as the memories flood back. "I was only nine. He was taking me to school. Then one of y—" I stop myself, correcting the word with bitter resignation. "One of us just came out of nowhere. He was being chased by a policeman."

Caden doesn't say anything, his expression unreadable, but I can feel his attention sharpen.

"My father… he was a naive man, a chef," I continue, my fists clenching at my sides. "He thought he could help. He stepped in to stop him." I swallow hard, my chest tightening. "The Defekt didn't even flinch. He just slid his hand across my father's head like he was nothing. And then he kept running."

The silence that follows is deafening, broken only by the distant hum of the city. I keep my eyes on the ground, unable to meet Caden's gaze, the shame and anger still fresh even after all these years.

"He didn't even look back," I whisper, more to myself than to him. 

Caden exhales slowly, the smoke curling around his face like a veil. For a moment, he says nothing, just standing there, the cigarette burning down between his fingers. I can't tell if he's processing what I said or trying to come up with something to say.

Finally, he speaks, his voice softer than I expect. "That's rough. Really rough."

I don't reply. What am I supposed to say? That it's fine? That I've moved on? Because I haven't. I don't think I ever will.

"I can't defend what happened to your father," Caden continues, his tone more serious now. "But blaming every Defekt for what one did… you think that's fair?"

I snap my head up to glare at him, but the calm, steady look in his eyes stops me. He's not trying to provoke me; he's trying to understand.

"It's not about fair," I say, my voice sharper than I intend. "It's about reality. Every Defekt I've ever met has been nothing but trouble. They're dangerous, unpredictable. My father didn't deserve to die like that—just some innocent guy trying to do the right thing."

Caden nods slowly, taking another drag from his cigarette before flicking it off the roof. "You're right. Some of us are dangerous. But you've met us now—Luna, Eugene, Vlad, me. Do we look like we're out there killing innocent people?"

I hesitate, my anger faltering. "No, but you guys are different."I admit grudgingly.

He smirks faintly, crossing his arms. "We are still defekts. Not every Defekt is a monster. Some of us are just trying to survive, same as you. Hell, some of us are trying to make the world a little less shitty, even if it's one fight at a time."

His words hit harder than I want them to. I hate that he's making sense, that he's poking holes in the walls I've spent years building around my hate.

"You're still angry," Caden says, his voice soft again. "And you have every right to be. But don't let that anger blind you. You're one of us now, Kai. Whether you like it or not."

I don't know how to respond to that. So I just stand there, staring out at the city lights, my chest heavy with emotions I can't untangle.

"Take it from someone who's been on the other side of this," Caden says after a long pause. "Hating yourself for what you are? It'll eat you alive. And if you let it, it'll make you just as bad as the people you hate."

I swallow hard, his words sinking into me like stones. "I don't know if I can stop hating them," I say quietly.

Caden claps a hand on my shoulder, his grip firm but not unkind. "Start with yourself," he says simply. "The rest will come later."

For a moment, we just stand there in the cold night air, the city buzzing softly below us. I don't know if I believe him, but for the first time in a long time, I feel like maybe—just maybe—I don't have to carry all of this alone.

Caden gives me a final pat on the shoulder before stepping away, leaning on the railing of the roof. He pulls out another cigarette but doesn't light it this time, just rolling it between his fingers.

"You're stronger than you think, Kai," he says after a long moment. His tone is calm, almost contemplative. "Not just because of the powers. You've been through hell and back, and you're still standing. That counts for something."

I don't respond right away, letting his words sink in. The cold air stings my lungs, but it feels grounding, a reminder that I'm still here—still alive, even when everything feels like it's spinning out of control.

"Why are you even telling me this?" I finally ask, my voice quieter now.

Caden shrugs, still staring out at the city. "Because someone told me once. Back when I was where you are now. Figured it was my turn to pay it forward."

I glance at him, the faintest smirk tugging at the corner of my lips. "You're not as much of an ass as you pretend to be, huh?"

He chuckles, finally putting the unlit cigarette away. "Don't ruin my reputation, kid."

We both fall silent again, but it's not uncomfortable this time. There's a strange kind of peace in the quiet, like the world has paused just for this moment.