Dog of War

 

The door slid shut. They were alone with Miss Nele, a somewhat odd Affini. She was barely more than a head taller than them, and sported by far the most limited color palette they'd yet seen on one of the plants. Large black and white flowers formed a necklace that was almost a wreath. There was a certain artistry to her form that made good use of its few colors, making them pop against the rest of her. 

 

The room had a large seat on one side, which Miss Nele took, leaving them with a few selections for seating on the other side- an even larger chair, a Terran-sized lounge couch, and a myriad of blankets and cushions. Plants they'd never seen and a few they recognized from Daisy's garden filled the space around the edges. The room had an overly welcoming air to it that was somehow discomforting, like thick layers of cheery paint hiding the cracks in the beams. The muted yet welcoming atmosphere contrasting with their thumping heart felt unaccountably like the moment before an ambush. Even the Class Es that made walking over to the couch a task didn't fully dampen the nerves. 

 

This is an Affini therapist. A specialist picked by Miss Verdun. 

 

Sitting down forced them to spend a moment nervously adjusting the skirt. Today's dress was the most feminine and revealing yet. The former was something they were learning to appreciate, while the latter just made them feel exposed. Something that just made the uneasy energy of finally staring therapy in the face worse. They did at least manage to find that keeping their knees together helped the skirt stay in a modest position. If only the cutouts revealing their waist and lack of sleeves were similarly easy to solve. 

 

"Is there anything I can get you before we start?" Miss Nele asked. "Water? Or perhaps some tea to help you relax?" 

 

Tea sounded quite intriguing at the moment, they'd never had any they could taste. "Relax how?"

 

"Well it's a chamomile tea with a hint of lavender and a healthy dosage of Affini bioengineering. Also a light class D and E," she explained, grabbing a cup out of a desk drawer and setting it next to a pitcher of water.  

 

They tried not to frown. "I can't have standard Terran xenodrugs, and I prefer not to have any Class D, thank you." 

 

"I am well aware of your medical needs; I would not give you anything dangerous. As for the class D, permit me to clarify that it is a very light class D. You won't be spilling your deepest secrets, but you will find it a little easier to talk about your feelings. If you’re sure, I won’t press the matter, but I think you would find it helpful. Also," Miss Nele smiled, "I’m told it is quite delicious."

 

Oh?

 

Surely accepting the Class D couldn't be the right move, as enticing as the tea sounded. "Miss Verdun says this meeting is one on one, but just how private is this conversation?" 

 

"Unless you are planning on harming yourself or others, it is completely private," the Affini answered without missing a beat. "Of course, if you ask me to, I can pass on anything we discuss that you don’t want to talk about again."

 

An unexpected answer; could they truly believe it? Miss Nele was an Affini, and if the Affini did anything, it was collude. Then again, having a breakdown or going silent the first time they had to broach a difficult subject wouldn't inspire confidence that they could work through their issues. "I'll take the tea." 

 

"Wonderful!" Miss Nele exclaimed, pressing some button on the pitcher and pouring steaming water into the cup. She then plucked a few leaves off of herself, crammed them into a small perforated ball, and latched it closed. Picking it up by the thin chain on the end she lowered it into the cup. "Give it a minute to steep,” she said, placing the cup on a table within their reach. “I know starting therapy can be rather intimidating, but there's nothing to be afraid of. This is our first session, so we'll mostly be talking. We can discuss treatment going forward once we both understand what you want."

 

"I'll keep that in mind." Even with all the assurances, they still felt their nerves fraying. 

 

"Miss Verdun also left a gift for you here, to help you stay relaxed."

 

That sounded... dubious. "Xenodrugs?" 

 

Berries?

 

"Nope! Although, I do have the appropriate Class E, D and Zs for you, just in case." Miss Nele rummaged through the desk to her side again, pulling out a stuffed animal. 

 

It took a few moments for them to place what it was. The soft, cute form was a far cry from the heraldic imagery they had seen during their studies of Middle Age conflicts. The round ears and general shape and color of the body gave it away, however- it was a bear. The Affini extended it to them. "She thought it might offer you some physical comfort during our session. It is yours to keep, if you want it."

 

Closer now, they could see the soft licks of fluffy brown fur that turned golden where it caught the light . Its glossy black eyes, its simple paws, its stitched inverted 'Y' mouth leading into a squishy black nose. It was... really adorable. There was something about it that they couldn't place either, something that made them want to hold it closely. 

 

There has to be a trick here, right? 

 

It certainly wasn't typical for them to want such a thing but... that was from when they had still been clinging to the idea of being a man. It wasn't weird even for a woman of their age to have a teddy bear, right? It was certainly fine for a princess to have such a thing... They accepted the gift, feeling fuzzy as they held it in their lap. It was softer than it looked, and had a strange, heatless warmth to it. "Thank you, Miss Nele." 

 

"Of course!" The Affini  smiled, "it is from Miss Verdun, though, so be sure to thank her as well."

 

Just thinking about Mistress- 

 

Wrong! 

 

Thinking about Miss Verdun made them feel slightly flustered, and had them clutching the bear a little closer. "R-right." 

 

"So," Miss Nele brought out her pad and set it in her lap. "Miss Verdun has given me some rather lovely notes on your time here over the last eight days, and there are a few things I wanted to discuss, but first- how are you feeling today?" 

 

"Uhm-" That was a good question. So many things had occurred before noon- nearly breaking down, making out with Daisy, it finally clicking that they were a girl, or at least preferred to be feminine and... Miss Verdun capital O Ordering them to call her Mistress. Something that even with the Affini backtracking on it took effort to avoid. They already slipped up once, and nearly two other times. "I'm not sure..." they mumbled. "It's been a lot." 

 

"That makes sense. Sudden changes in routine and environment can be overwhelming. Also, here.” She stretched out another vine, placing a small plate next to the steaming cup. “For the tea leaves. Oversteeping can intensify the dosage and ruin the flavor.” They pulled the ball out of the cup and set it in the saucer. "We can talk about it being ‘a lot,’ if you wish. Might be a good way to break the water."

 

They removed the leaves and eyed the honey-colored liquid, the scene from The Stars Betwixt flashing through their mind. It smelled quite good. "Honestly, I'm not even sure where to start." They picked up the cup, using both hands to keep it steady they took a sip- it had a more delicate taste than they had expected. Warm, floral, and with a faint bittersweet aftertaste on their tongue, they hummed in delight.

 

"Well, you could talk about the events of the day, and how they made you feel individually," Miss Nele suggested. 

 

They ran through the past few hours in their head, blushing as they recalled the garden, and how the day started. "You promise this conversation isn't going to get to Miss Verdun?" 

 

"Only if you express a desire to harm others or yourself, or ask me to reveal it." She held up a vine as though taking an oath. "Otherwise I promise you; whatever is said here, stays here."

 

They took another sip of the tea and set it down, squeezing some additional comfort out of the bear. "I... I guess it started with that weird dream."

 

"Dream?" Miss Nele sounded confused, "Sorry, it's just, with your listed class Z that shouldn't be possible. What was it about?"

 

"It was... vines," they grumbled. 

 

"I see, and what were they doing?" 

 

"T-touching me. All over." The class D was starting to work, if they were able to say that without burying their face in embarrassment. "And, uhm, I was naked." 

 

"I see..." Miss Nele made a quick note on her pad. "And how did that make you feel?"

 

"Kinda warm? Like I needed to be touched? It didn't help that Miss Verdun was right there when I woke up." The warm feeling hadn't left, either; it was still simmering just underneath their skin. They picked up the tea for another sip, hoping a higher dosage would lessen their desire to crawl into a hole. 

 

"Was Miss Verdun present in this dream?" 

 

They shook their head, "Just vines." 

 

"Well, I don't think there's anything to be embarrassed about. Being touch starved is rather normal, given your past." Touch starved. They had never really understood that term before this moment. How could a person hunger for touch? Now it was blindingly clear- the warm craving in their body could only be satisfied by another person. A whole life in solitude had built an immense, insurmountable deficit that had to be paid. "Did you ask Miss Verdun for physical affection?" 

 

"Of course not," they huffed.

 

"Interesting," Miss Nele hummed. "You just said you felt like you needed it. Any reason you denied yourself?"

 

"We can't just ask Mistress to pet us!" Their heart stopped as they realized what had just come out of their mouth. "Er- I mean-!" 

 

Acaulescent remained calm, seemingly unaffected by the outburst. "It's alright dear, breathe. This conversation is private, and I am not here to judge you." In... Hold... Out... "Very good. Now, what is it about Miss Verdun that makes you uncomfortable with asking her for affection?" 

 

"That seems fairly evident. She wants to own us, and I do not wish to be property again."

 

And she's too good at it.

 

"Hmm," Miss Nele added a few more notes to the pad, "Let's circle back to that later. Did anything else notable happen today?"

 

They ran their thumb up and down one of the bear’s paws- the fur was short there, and had a different texture that was pleasant. "Well, breakfast was good, then Miss Verdun dressed us and that was..." They struggled for the right word. "Nice? I think?" 

Miss Nele nodded and motioned for them to continue. 

 

"She did our hair too and- uh, we had a breakdown? I guess? I- She blurred out my face in the mirror, but we still got kinda dysphoric, I guess." It felt strange to acknowledge the feeling for what it was. Equal parts pleasant and sickening. "She did pet me then, to help us calm down."

 

"Did it help?" 

 

"Y-yeah." They hugged the plushie, taking solace in the comfort of its odd warmth. It helped dull their need for touch, but still they felt the desire for more. "After that, we went to visit Daisy, and did some gardening and ate some cookies, which was nice. Then, uh, I almost had another breakdown, I guess." 

 

"Do you mind sharing what happened?"

 

They took another sip of the tea, trying to focus on its light yet deep flavors. "There was talk of collars."

 

That got the first real reaction they had seen from the Affini, her flowers wilting as her vines twitched and twisted. "Your feelings regarding ownership and collars is something I would like to talk about, but let's finish discussing your day first." 

 

"Daisy took me up to her 'cuddle zone' in the garden for a break and relaxed for a bit. Then we, uhm," they flushed and pulled the bear up to hide their face in it, "we kissed." 

 

Miss Nele made a curious noise. "Just kissed?"

 

"And a bit more," they admitted. 

 

"I figured." Was it really that obvious? "How was that?" 

 

"It felt really good." They swallowed, their throat beginning to dry. "I never really did anything like that before, we didn't know what to do so, uh, we let Daisy take the lead. She said we were really submissive and bit us a lot and sucked on our breasts and played with them a lot a-and I... sorta... realized I was a girl." There was no way they could have said any of that were it not for the class D. Hopefully the next sip would make it feel less embarrassing. 

 

Miss Nele lit up. "Oh? Congratulations," she cheered. "Miss Verdun indicated you had been struggling with your gender identity and self acceptance. How did coming to terms with your gender feel?" 

 

"Strange," they stated, setting down the cup. "It just sort of... finally clicked that we enjoyed being a girl in the way a girl did. Now everything feels different? Before we came here I was a man because that's how everyone saw me and we filled that role. It was... empty, though. Acting masculine didn't really feel like anything, but nothing really felt like anything then. Being like this makes us feel fuzzy, and warm, and nice. It makes us feel exposed, like people are actually looking at us now, but it also feels right? It-it's hard to explain, and it's only been like two hours, so I haven't figured it all out, but it feels good." 

 

"That's wonderful!" Miss Nele smiled warmly. "You did well describing that for someone that struggles to identify emotions. You should be proud of yourself." 

 

The corners of their mouth twitched into a smile. "Thanks." Talking about it was as nice as it was odd. 

 

"You mentioned it clicked for you that you are a girl because you were finally able to accept that you enjoy being a girl. Has this led to any further revelations?" 

 

They blinked. "What do you mean?" 

 

"Well, it's only natural if during this process of self discovery you realize you enjoy or dislike other things as well. Your name, for example. How do you feel about 'Princess?'"

 

"I don't know." They took a calming breath. "It makes us feel tingly, and like a girl, but Miss Verdun has been using it like it's actually our name." 

 

Miss Nele hummed. "I don't really see the issue; could you elaborate?"

 

"Princess is not a name." It hurt to say that, even though they knew it to be true. "A nickname or pet name, maybe, but I can't just introduce myself as 'Princess.' We need an actual name if we're going to be independent." 

 

"I don't see why your name would have any bearing on your independence. Personally, I think Princess is lovely, and suits you well." Miss Nele smiled. 

 

"But we didn't pick it, Miss Verdun did." It was a bit ironic, in their effort to avoid being named by the Affini, they had let the Affini name them. "Isn't that bad?"

 

"I see..." Miss Nele took a moment to make another entry on the pad. "It seems like you are denying yourself things you enjoy over concern regarding a loss of independence. You know, having this name or that name doesn't make you a floret, even if it was something suggested by an Affini hoping to be your owner. Let's say we put aside all the pet stuff and traditional Terran naming conventions for a moment- would you like to be called Princess?" 

 

They turned the idea over and around in their head, examining it. That fluttery feeling it caused in their chest, the way Daisy or Mistress would say it to tease them.

 

It does feel nice.

 

"We're not sure. Maybe?"

 

"Well, let's try a little experiment." Miss Nele hummed happily, and extended a vine in greeting. "It is nice to meet you, Princess."

 

The odd feeling burst in their chest at that, spreading a hot gooey pleasantness that stuck to their insides as they took the vine. "L-likewise, Miss." 

 

Miss Nele smiled. "Well, I'm only an expert in Terran psychology, but it seems to me like you enjoy it. Why don't you try introducing yourself, and see how that feels?" 

 

Being called Princess is entirely different from actually using it!

 

Even so, they wanted to at least try. "H-Hello," they swallowed, their voice unsure and unsteady. "We're Princess, uh, s-she/her, nice to meet you." The gooey feeling ignited, searing into their mind and chest. It felt right . 

 

Princess couldn't help but grin. 

 

"So," Miss Nele lowered her pad, "did anything else notable happen today after you spent time with Daisy?"

 

The nice feeling disappeared, like smoke on the wind. Memory of Miss Verdun, her form towering over them as ravenous intent peeled off of her like radiation from an exposed core. Mistress , and how it felt on their tongue. "When she came to pick us up we were still... preoccupied with Daisy. She got this- this look in her eye. I-I don't know how to describe it beyond predation in its purest form. She told us to call her Mistress in that voice of hers that can give Orders." 

 

"Oh my!" Miss Nele exclaimed. "Is that why you slipped up on it earlier?"

 

Princess nodded. "We think she may have tripped the remaining vestiges of our conditioning. Unless we're actively aware and putting effort in, we can't refuse her. Even then, it can be... difficult."

 

"How do you feel about that?"

 

"She wants to own us." The words were bitter in their mouth. "We do not want to be property."

 

Miss Nele nodded. "I understand you have a lot of trauma surrounding ownership, and specifically collars. However, you've been in the compact for a little over a week now. You've seen Affini, met a few florets, and you've gotten to know Miss Verdun. Do you still feel like being owned by her, or any Affini for that matter, would be the same as your time in The Company?" 

 

"No." Princess simply couldn't picture it. Miss Verdun wished to treat them like a lap dog. Not brutalize them, or dispose of them the second she could replace them with something better. That didn't change how they felt . "It doesn't matter, though. There's no way we can wear a collar again." Their fingers touched the scar on their throat. "It would destroy us.”

 

"Well, what if you didn't have to wear a collar?"

 

They blinked. "Huh?" Everything that they could find had implied it was mandatory. 

 

"It's rare, but not every floret wears a collar. You know," Miss Nele grinned, as though she was sharing particularly juicy gossip. "If you volunteer for domestication, you get to negotiate your contract. You can even get 'no collars' guaranteed in writing, if you want." 

 

Princess perked up at that initially, before the bitter aftertaste of its reality set in. "Even if we wanted it, even if there isn't a collar in it, we can't just ask to be property again." Their voice weakened and they hugged the bear like it was a lifeline. "We're the only one left, Miss Nele. The others didn't even get a chance. If we just... willingly throw away our independence, isn't that bad?"

 

"Not at all." Miss Nele shook her head. "Being able to recognize that you need help and asking for it takes a lot of strength. Even those with independence rely on others. Personally, I think living happily would be a much better way to honor them, independent or not." 

 

Princess wrestled with the idea for a moment, but couldn't get it to sit right. They clung tightly to their bear. "W-we don't know if we can just move past the being property thing, or the collar."

 

Miss Nele nodded. "I understand. From what I've heard, it sounds like your time at The Company was extremely traumatic. I think if you shared your fears with Miss Verdun, she would be understanding. She doesn't want to hurt or distress you."

 

"We guess." The thought of sharing how scared they were made their stomach turn, but maybe if she understood... If she understood she might even be willing to drop the pet thing altogether. 

 

The Affini took a few moments to make more notes. "So if Miss Verdun making you her pet scares you, what- if anything- do you like about her?"

 

The question caught them off guard, but they found themselves answering naturally. "She cares about us a lot, even if she's overbearing sometimes, and the food she makes is amazing . Just being around her makes us feel kinda fuzzy, and when she carries us we feel protected. A-and her berries are so good and the way it feels when she pets us is nice and she's so pretty and-" They stopped themselves, realizing they had been rambling. "Uhm, th- that's about it." 

 

Miss Nele smiled warmly. "I really do think you should have a conversation with Miss Verdun so you can put aside your fears."

 

Not being scared of the Affini they lived with... 

 

Wouldn't that be bad? What if we let our guard down? 

 

It's not like a lack of fear would make them suddenly want to be a pet. Being afraid all the time had already led to numerous mistakes anyways. "We're not sure. I mean, we've only been here a little over a week. This is all so- so sudden . Two weeks ago I was one of most feared and respected mercenaries in the entire Accord. Easily the most experienced one still active. Now ?" They sighed as the dress and all the feelings came back into focus. "We can't recognize ourselves anymore. It's already hard to think about what we used to be like."

 

"It sounds like you've been struggling a lot with your newfound emotional range, and adjusting to life in the Compact. Is that about right?" 

 

Princess nodded. "All our emotions were distant before, like a voice echoing from the other end of a hall. We could tell what we were feeling, but it never really affected our judgment or composure. Now everything feels so overwhelming all the time." They focused on the bear in their lap; its soft fur, its pleasant scent, its delicate warmth. "We've gone from doing things most considered impossible to not being able to go even half a day without having a breakdown... Maybe we died when the vet balanced our neurochemistry, in a way. Or at least, 'Jackal' did." It was always weird to use the codename the OCNI and a few of their more powerful clients used for them. Now, however, it had a certain dreamlike quality to it as well. Like they were talking about something several lifetimes ago. 

 

Miss Nele nodded solemnly. "I've seen your neural scans, from before and after. I don't think that's an odd thing to feel at all, considering how radically you've changed in just the few days you've been here. How do you feel about the loss of 'Jackal?'"

 

Princess paused. How did they feel about that? 

 

It was a piece of ourselves, but...

 

"Not sure. We did a lot of things, and we were very good at those things, but they were cruel and violent. It makes us kinda sick to think about them now. We miss being able to function, and not being on the verge of tears half the time."

 

Miss Nele took a moment to finish making notes. "And what about the person you're becoming?"

 

"I'm even less sure about that," Princess mumbled into the bear. 

 

"You know, I think this presents you with a wonderful opportunity."

 

"Oh?"

 

"You could build a new self, one that's more fulfilling, happier. Leave the old self behind."

 

Princess sighed. "I don't know if I could just... forget it all. Or that I want to." 

 

"You don't have to forget it. You could recognize that it was your old self, and that it served you well for the time you used it, but now you can be who you want to be."

 

Who we want to be? All we've ever wanted was to be left alone. 

 

"I'm not sure how to do that," Princess pouted. 

 

"Well, self discovery is all about finding out what you want and what feels right. Like how you figured out you enjoyed being a girl, or being called Princess. It's a process, and involves trial and error. I think sharing your fears with Miss Verdun and letting yourself enjoy things without concern over whether it's something a 'pet' does would help immensely. Just try to be honest with yourself on if you like something."

 

The thought was daunting, yet tantalizing. They already had a revelation about their gender, and discovered a name, both of which had made them feel wonderful. What other things like that had been laying dormant for so many years? What else did they want? 

 

What if it ends up that we want to be a pet?

 

That... that was something to contend with if it happened. Even if the collar was out of the picture, even if Mistress- if Miss Verdun would be a loving owner, they still didn't want to just be property. They were tired of being scared. "You're right. We'll have a talk with her."

 

"Wonderful!" Miss Nele cheered. "My offer to assist still stands, you know! I'd only share what's relevant."

 

Princess considered it for a moment before they shook their head. "No, we gotta do it ourselves." It was only right that Miss Verdun heard it straight from them. 

 

"Well, I think this has been a very productive session!" Miss Nele smiled, "Before we end, is there anything else you want to discuss?" 

 

Princess hummed as she thought about it. There were a few things, but this conversation was already taxing. Still, one thing was pressing on them. One thing that had been bouncing around in their head the last two days. "Do you know what a Pluribus is?"

 

-_-_-_-

 

Camila was trying to keep the anxiety from settling into her vines. Left with little else to do after the few brief chores, her mind had turned to Princess. Browsing pictures of other Affini's florets only worsened it. Cordelia took a few minutes from playing with Daisy to comfort her, but it did little to assuage her worries. What was she talking about, exactly? What if she needed emotional support and was refusing it? She could get so stubborn when it came to accepting help! What if she was telling Acaulescent things she hadn't told her? Wouldn't tell her? Maybe allowing her these private sessions had been a mistake. It's not like Princess could tell if she was- 

 

The negative spiral scattered at the sound of the door opening, and Camila sprung upright. Acaulescent entered first, a confident air to her as Princess followed behind. A resolved but nervous look was on the Terran’s face as one arm clung her bear to her chest- a sight so adorable Camila had to resist snatching her up then and there.

 

"We're done for today; she did really well for the first session! Feel free to schedule a follow-up soon, she's a delight to work with," Acaulescent cheered, before turning to Princess. "Now are you sure you don't want my help, or the counteragent?" 

 

Princess shook her head. "Thank you for the offer, but no." She walked up to Camila, stopping in front of her. "Miss Verdun, when we get home, we would like to discuss a few matters with you."

Camila could feel her flowers blooming. "Of course, Princess." This should prove extremely productive.