Dissonant

“...Matty?” Karla asked again. “What’s up?”

Why did that hurt so much to hear? It was my name, it was the name my parents had given me, and yet… Now, hearing it said to me felt like a sword had been thrust into my heart. 

Why did it feel so different? And so suddenly at that.

I looked away, gripping my upper arm with my other hand. Would that name always feel like that now? Whatever I had done… it wasn’t something that could be taken back. Feeling my tail curl around my leg, I took a deep breath, standing resolutely in front of Karla.

I could do this.

“M-my name is Triss.”

“Huh?” Karla stepped back, her eyes flicking between Colette and I. “What do you mean?”

As unwavering as possible, I insisted, “While I’m in this form, my name is Triss.”

If only I didn’t have to add that condition.

I still hadn’t figured out what was causing me to transform back and forth. I still didn’t know… what this form meant about me. All I knew was that while I was like this, I didn’t want to be called the same name as I always had been. I… didn’t want to be Matty anymore.

“Triss, then…” Karla looked me up and down with a scrutinising gaze, her eyes lingering on the quivering tail that was wrapped around my leg, and the ears that were folded back against my head. “If you say so, Triss.”

As she said that name, all of the tension released from my body once more. It really did just feel so… comfortable. I didn’t have to conform to my father’s standards of how a guy should act, I didn’t have to be “manly” as he and the other villagers had constantly pressured me to be.

I turned away, looking back at the box of clothes in an attempt to hide my slowly warming face from Karla.

It seemed crazy in hindsight just how uncomfortable I had felt, every time I had been pressured into training by my father. Memories of my childhood sprung up here and there in my mind, ones that I had previously forgotten. Now that things had changed... with all the perspective I had now, what stood out to me most in these memories was... this dissonance between those expectations placed on me as a child, by my father, and... reality. I never would have met any of them, would I?

“What are you up to?” 

I jumped as Karla suddenly spoke right next to me, having been so deep in thought that I hadn’t noticed her approach. She peered around me at the box of clothes that lay on the table, her eyes full of curiosity.

“W-well, I’m… spending more and more time like this, and… my usual clothes don’t fit,” I stammered. I really didn’t want to have to explain all of the history with Fenne, and why this box was here.

“Oh, yeah, I was wondering about that, actually,” she neatly stepped next to me, reaching into the box and digging through it without hesitation. “I noticed during our sparring matches that your clothes weren’t great for moving around in.”

She picked up a dark, grassy green shirt out of the box, along with what looked to be a wide strip of white fabric.

“That, and… you need a bit of extra support now, especially with how agile you are.”

“...Support?” I replied, as she held out the strip of fabric towards me.

“Haven’t you noticed?” Karla stepped forward, holding each end of the fabric in her hands and wrapping it around my… chest. “Not having enough support up here is a problem.”

I… had noticed that, if I was being honest. As much as this form definitely seemed more agile, and I could balance so much better with this tail, there were still a few things I had to get used to. Especially with… just how rough the fabric on my clothes felt now.

“If you’re going to spend more and more time like this, then as a fellow woman, there is something I need to teach you.” She leaned in close, her voice taking on a slightly playful tone.

“Wh-what?” I blushed. Where was she going with this?

“...How to wear a bra.”

*     *     *     *     *

“I’ll be honest, I was kinda expecting you to get a bit more embarrassed than that.” Karla took a few steps back, looking up and down at my new outfit. 

“...Embarrassed?”

“Yeah,” she replied, gesturing towards me. “I mean, you’re a girl now, but… isn’t this your first time wearing girls’ clothes?”

I stared blankly at her. All the clothes I had worn before were just… ones that had been given to me. Either my father had traded for them, or they were Alvin’s old clothes that he had grown out of. The whole time I had worn them, I’d just been focused on whether they fit or not.

And the outfit that Karla had picked out for me almost fit perfectly. They… felt nice. The fabric was soft, and yet felt durable enough to handle me throwing my body around as I sparred. It didn’t hang or flap about as I moved, but it didn’t feel too tight either.

It was a little weird getting used to the feeling of my chest being constricted, though. But aside from that, it already felt a lot easier to move the way I wanted to. The only real issue with the clothes was that the shorts didn’t have room for my tail, since they rode a bit higher.

“What if you wear them backwards?”

Karla’s suggestion solved that issue, though. Most of the shorts had a cut in the front, along with a few buttons attached to the fabric to make putting them on and adjusting them a lot easier. It just so happened that this opening was the perfect size for me to slip my tail through, and then button the fabric over the top.

All in all, having new clothes felt wonderful. I briskly stepped from side to side, feeling my tail swing back and forth with the rhythm of my movement. 

“Can I…” I turned to Colette, my tail swishing back and forth excitedly. “Can I keep these?”

“Absolutely, dear.” Colette glanced up from the fabric she was sewing, a gentle smile on her face. “Anything in that box is yours now.”

Karla immediately zoomed back to the box, digging through it and tossing clothes all over the couch just next to the table. Why was she so… enthusiastic about this? 

“Ooh this looks good… and this… and this…” She held up a few different shirts, turning to hold them against my body. “These look almost perfect.”

“Perfect for what?” I asked.

“Perfect for you to fight in. You always seem like you’re hesitating slightly, when we spar.”

That was true, I had been hesitating slightly. Since sparring was so new to me, I hadn’t quite been able to commit to my movements. Karla had always been encouraging me to “let loose” as she put it, but I couldn’t quite put my full weight into everything.

“And so,” Karla continued, “I want to find the perfect clothes for you to fight in. That’s one less thing to worry about.”

“I guess.” I took the shirt she held out to me, hanging it over my arm as I turned towards the bathroom door.

“And I want to pit you against the other mercs. See just what you’re capable of.”

...That was too much. I went into the bathroom and closed the door, my thoughts filled with the prospect of being found out by the other villagers as I tried on the next shirt.

*     *     *     *     *

It was well past noon by the time we set off to the forest, heading for the training spot. I pulled the cloak further over my head, trying to shield my ears as best I could. As much as new clothes were nice, I still had to wear the cloak the entire time I was outside. Otherwise I could be seen...

Honestly, that was why the prospect of sparring with anyone other than Karla was so terrifying. I didn’t know what would happen if someone found out that… I had these ears and tail, whether they were someone from the village, or a mercenary. There was only so much moving I could do before the cloak slipped off my head.

Once we were into the forest, I slipped the cloak off and hung it over my arm. The hot summer sun had made me overheat, so I was definitely glad to be in the shade, especially without a thick cloak constricting my ears and tail.

As we reached our usual training spot, I sat down against a tree, depositing the cloak at my side. Karla flopped down just next to me, her hands vying for the lunches that Colette had insisted we take with us. 

“Yes, yes…” I reached into the lunch bag, pulling out Karla’s share that she very eagerly accepted, and the two of us ate in silence.

...This was weird.

Normally, Karla was very enthusiastic about us sparring. She was always energetic, waving her twin daggers around in a manner that made her seem… somewhat childish, honestly.

From what she had said, though, she had been with the mercenary group since she was quite young. She’d managed to rise through the ranks to become one of the most skilled fighters, so it was likely that she’d been with them for a very long time.

...How old was Karla, anyway?

My thoughts were distracted as a soft rustling sound emerged from a bush a short distance away from me. A forest animal? They were usually very wary of people, though… especially since they were often hunted. Did it smell our food?

The rustling continued, slowly growing louder until a small, orange-furred head poked its way through the greenery.

“A… fox,” I whispered.

“Fox?” Karla said, peering all around us until her gaze locked onto the small animal. “You’re right, it’s a fox.”

The creature slowly trotted towards me, its eyes locked on the bread in my hand. Was it hungry? I tore a small corner off of the bread, holding it out towards the fox.

“It’s very brave,” Karla said, watching as the fox approached. “That, or…” She gestured to my tail, which I had pulled beside me as I sat down.

I looked between my tail, with its reddish-orange fur and white tip, and the tail of the fox in front of me, the white tip slowly swaying as it sniffed the food in my outstretched hand. Its black-furred ears were folded back against its head, in the same way that my ears did sometimes.

...What was I supposed to make of this?

Would my transformation eventually progress into me… becoming a fox? I already had the ears, and the tail… and the eyes, too.

As I contemplated the state of my body, the fox took the food I was offering it, quickly backing up as it chewed the bread. So it was the food it was interested in… or, I thought it was, until the fox stopped trotting away, turning to look expectantly over its shoulder at me.

Did this fox want me to… follow it? I slowly lifted myself upright, picking up the cloak and the now-empty lunch bag. We didn’t seem to be training today, so what could it hurt?

“Hey, where are you going?” Karla quickly gulped down the rest of her lunch, scrambling upright in my wake.

“I’m following this fox.”

*     *     *     *     *

As we walked further into the forest, the sound of flowing water slowly filtered into my ears. Where was this fox leading us to? It hadn’t run off yet, so I had to assume it was guiding us somewhere. Did it… recognise me as a fellow fox or something?

The trees slowly began to give way to a small clearing, through which a river was flowing. The water looked clear, and the grass nearby was lush and soft. I flopped down onto it, as the fox stopped just next to a small tree.

This was a nice find. Though the river seemed louder than I had been expecting, the sound was relaxing. I closed my eyes, leaning back against a tree.

Only to open them again as I felt something fall onto my tail.

“Well, look at you, Miss Popular,” Karla said jovially, sitting herself down a short distance away from me.

A glance to my side showed what she was referring to. The fox from before had trotted back to me, this time with three fox kits in tow. And one of them had climbed onto my tail, curling up on top of it.

“Luckyyy,” Karla pouted, watching as the other two foxes play-fought just next to me. “I’ve never been good with animals. They’re always scared of me.”

I had never been good with them either, so this was a first to me. The few times I had gone into the forest before my transformation, I had barely ever seen any of the animals.

“...Hey, can I ask you something?”

“Hmm?” I looked over at Karla, who was staring over the river into the forest. “What’s up?”

“What’s Al like when we’re not here?”

“Without the mercenaries? He’s…” I thought for a moment. “He’s not quite as energetic while you aren’t at the village. He seems… slightly more subdued?”

“More subdued, huh…”

“It’s more like,” I continued, “he always gets so excited when the mercenaries are here. He’s usually a lot more calm and collected.”

Was Karla… blushing?

“He acts cool in front of everyone else in the village too, since he’s the best fighter. Like he’s untouchable, or something.”

“Oh yeah, ‘cause he’d be able to wipe the floor with anyone else in the village.” Karla wrapped her arms loosely around her knees, the smile on her face slowly growing wider. “He’s the only guy that’s ever been able to give me a challenge.”

“He does train a lot

, so... Not quite as much as he does when you guys are here, though. Now it’s... all the time.” I stared off into the forest with her for a moment. “When you aren’t here, it’s... He spends a lot more time with... me.”

“Are you… lonely?” Karla asked.

“I…” 

Every other time the mercenaries had arrived, it had been fine. I would just hole up in my room, reading books and listening to the distant fighting through my window. This time, though…

After what had happened to me, with my… transformation, it wasn’t safe for me to stay at home anymore. I couldn’t leave my room while I was in this form, in case my father saw me, and… out of the rest of the village, the only allies I had were Karla, Colette, and Alvin.

I nodded, mumbling, “A little bit,” under my breath as I averted my eyes.

“Hmm…” By the time I looked back at Karla, she had already lifted herself upright. “Stay here for a bit.”

“Wait, where are you–”

She spun around, running off in the direction of the village.

“–going…”

Why did she leave? Was it something I said? I watched the fox kits, feeling them press on my tail fur with their paws as I thought about our previous conversation.

Did Karla… like Alvin?

The two of them definitely seemed close. Especially with how Alvin acted around her, when he asked her to teach me to fight… it seemed like they had known each other for quite some time.

And again, Karla always called him “Al”, too. Not even I or my father called Alvin by that name.

With how Karla was blushing, too, there was definitely something going on between them. It almost seemed like she held a certain… admiration for him, one that she didn’t seem to show to anyone else, whether they were mercenary or villager. Though she had been quick to point out the flaws in other people’s fighting style, she had never done so with his.

...Had I gotten between them somehow?

My thoughts were interrupted as the snap of a twig being broken echoed around my ears. Someone was coming. Was it Karla? As I strained to listen to the nearby sounds, the foxes bolted off into the undergrowth, leaving me alone by the river.

The footsteps that slowly began to approach me… weren’t familiar.

Who was it? It sounded like there were multiple people, all stomping carelessly through the forest. I quickly reached for the cloak, fastening the clip around my neck and pulling the hood over my head. 

Whoever it was, I couldn’t let them find out.

I scrambled upright, barely managing to wrap my cloak around myself before three of the guys from the village stumbled into the clearing, trampling all over the undergrowth.

“Hey, someone’s ‘ere,” one of them said, catching sight of me.

Great, it was Ben of all people. I turned away, holding my cloak tight against my body to make sure that my tail wasn’t visible. He didn’t recognise me… right?

“I don’ remember seein’ ya ‘round, are ya one o’ the mercs?” one of the other guys asked. 

“I…” How was I going to get out of this? “...Yes,” I lied. 

“Sweet,” Ben said, as I listened to him slowly get closer and closer. “Hey, you guys ‘ave got yer trainin’ swords on ya, right?”

Oh no. I knew exactly what he was going to ask. I hunched down slightly, looking into the forest for somewhere to run.

“‘Ey, merc girlie. Ya wanna ‘ave a match?”