DIE TRYING [A Roguelite Extraction LitRPG]

"Don't wanna ask what kind of one-armed workout you do at night, but it's working." The Scot said, cackling. "You musta paid for some of that premium stuff on the web, you wee little degenerate."

"Get your head out of the gutter." Wade said, rolling his eyes. "The only thing I pay premium for is aleve or ibuprofen - and store brand only. Everything else is either free, ramen, or it doesn't exist. But I think we can do more here. Hit a target with your dagger, and let me follow-up instead of the elf."

Wade had a theory.

In an old game he'd played, an obscure soldier-only quest rewarded an item that had an activatable one-minute weak heal over time effect. The Soldier class in that game was a defensive health tank that couldn't heal, so the devs left the heal scalings on that item untouched - which meant default one to one scaling.

Huge mistake and Wade made them pay dearly for it.

He would equip an entire healing gearset: Priest robes, staff and everything else he could get his grubby hands on - then he'd trigger the item. The game engine would take a snapshot of his stats on activation, see a ridiculous amount of +healing, and apply it to all future ticks of healing.

Immediately after, Wade would swap back to his normal high defense plate armor.

But from the game's point of view, that item's 'weak' heal-over-time buff had its numbers set in stone and the game wasn't going to recheck each time to see if anything changed up.

The result? For that one glorious minute, he was practically immortal. The youtube video he released showing that build caused a hotfix within three days, as thousands of immortal demi-god tanks started running around butchering everything in the game.

Fortunately, they didn't ban him.

That happened later, for a completely different scheme.

Point was - what if the same happened with the debuff Wade could apply? The damage scaled off only the damage of the first hit. Illy's mark buff would be taken in the snapshot of that first hit, effectively re-applying it to every single tick of damage that came after.

This could be the nastiest combo possible if the math mathed.

"I'll try to tell her that plan, but I don't speak gibbly gawk elvish." Illy said, looking over at the elf.

"You don't speak english either, but you made it work somehow."

"Up yours, yank." She turned to the elf next, tapping her spear before pointing a few times at Wade. "Hold off, got that knife ears? Hold. Off."

The elf yanked her spear away, gave Wade a glance, then nodded to him. Seemed nodding was universal. Wade still wasn't completely sure if what the elf had said earlier was a hallucination of his sleep-deprived head, or if he'd actually understood elvish. He did have a debuff for malnourishment that claimed fatigue and slow thinking.

"Think we got the message across." Illy said, knocking Wade out of his thoughts."Leon grab her spear if she tries to aim anyhow. Right Mr. Premium Ibuprofen, let's see what you're cooking up." She pointed a finger at a closer skeleton at the bottom. "That one."

Identify.

Level 15 Undead Nathir Slave - 100%

Higher level than average. A real test then. Her knife flew straight into its skull. And a moment later, a rock slammed through it.

Level 15 Undead Nathir Slave - 42%

"Nasty hit, like the elf's magic. Only costs a rock though, cheap." Illy said, nodding approvingly.

"Wait for it." Wade said.

The skeleton flailed around on the ground, stunned from the earlier hit.

A second passed.

Then the first tick went down.

Level 15 Undead Nathir Slave - 12%

"Holy shite."

Wade lifted a hand. "Still more." There was still nine seconds to go for the debuff.

The skeleton got back up onto its legs, looked up at them, and instantly folded onto itself, bones breaking apart as the health bar hit 0 on the second tick of damage.

"Okay. That settles that." The Scot said, she turned and started looking for new rocks to pick up and scurry over to him. "You focus on skeleton bowling, I'll be the spotter."

Wade still had next to no idea what the girl was saying, but from the few words he picked up, he could understand well enough. And she did exactly what she said, taking pot shots at easy-to-aim-for targets, while Wade followed it up with a killshot rock throw. Every few seconds, he'd pick up a pebble, and renew the Russian's debuff, letting him hold the line by the ladder.

The elf quickly got the plan, and saved her magic for the ladder, spear at the ready in case the skeletons managed to rush past the giant.

It didn't happen.

"Ahh shite, I'm tapped out." Illy hissed, having tossed the last knife from her pajama pants. "Can't conjure another bloody dagger for twenty seconds even if me life depended on it - which it bloody well does."

"Should be fine." Wade flicked a pebble at the Russian, before grabbing another rock. "You've got functionally unlimited ammo, and they can't get up here." Twenty seconds times roughly fifty more targets, meant something like fifteen minutes and they'd clear the entire horde. Likely add another five minutes, his mental math wasn't perfect. "We can whittle them down over time so long as we're careful and don't waste rocks. They're too tunnel visioned to look for other ladders."

She looked down at the huge horde desperate to get up to them as if this were a zombie movie. "Aye, still makes me nervous taking our sweet time here."

"Da, but we make it. Much easier than city." The Russian turned to look at Wade, now taking the moment to actually study the new arrival. "Hmm, new friend need some nourishment. He have dark bag under eye. Also twig sized." He took a pause, then jabbed the hammer down, knocking another skeleton, before turning back to Wade. "He need carb and protein to fatten up. Water too."

"I don't think water's going to cure my lack of sleep hours." Wade had survived for the past few years now on under six to five hours of sleep on average. He was pretty sure those dark bags under his eyes were permanent now.

"Is sign of dehydration, not lack of sleep." The giant swung the sledgehammer down again, launching another target. "Hmm, ah! Soup. Yes, that's what you need...." He blinked. "Wait. I only realizing now, we not introduced yet! Hah, how rude of me. I am Leon, is nice meeting you…?"

"Michael Wade," He said, nailing another skeleton. "But prefer to be called just Wade. Nickname since high school and it stuck. And the girl's name is Illy? Think I also heard the elf getting called Selena?"

"Got it right." Illy said, aiming the knife, throwing it with precision. She always picked targets well in range of Wade, made hitting them as easy as hitting fish already nailed down in a barrel. "But if you call me 'smoll angry girl', and I'll kick the shite out of you. Leon's the exception. I ain't dumb enough to start a row with him."

"And the elf?"

"Knife ears don't speak a lick of english. Been stuck playing charades with her since we found her. Only got as far as names. The rest is just pointing and hoping for the best. We made it work." Illy waited another second, then summoned a dagger and took aim.

The elf could hear they were saying her name, but other then a small upset frown and twitching ears or puffed up feathers, she stayed quiet, eyes glued on the ladder.

"So... how'd you all meet?" Wade asked.

"You mean knife-ears, don't ya?" Illy asked, going right for the throat of the subject.

"Well, she is kind of the most weird teammate here," Wade started, fumbling with his words. "I can take a good guess you both got dragged into this world like I did. Probably. But the elf? No idea. So what happened?"

Illy's eyes turned suspicious. "Wouldn't you just love to know that, you wee shite-stirrer? How's about you tell us why we should trust some radge we just found dragging a horde right into us?"

"I'm literally right here side by side to help fight them off, aren't I?" He tossed a rock up and down a few times, then took aim. "And I'm stuck in this hellhole too, we should all be working together to get out."

She gave a few sardonic Ha's in between a knife throw. "Cheers for the help with these gommies, but you're the wanker who led them right to us, so don't go acting like you did us any favors besides help clean up your own mess." She lifted her hand palm up and one of her knives appeared, to which she waggled in his direction. He could tell she didn't have any intention to throw it at him. "And second, how do I know you're not gonna turn on us like those other roasters out there the moment I tell you sensitive information?"

The knife flew down and stabbed a skeleton. Wade walked up, aimed a rock, and did his beloved jumping attack bullshit.

Press gang ganged: 16/62

This boon thing was really growing on him.

He dusted his hands off and turned to the Scot. Whoever these two were, the girl at least seemed like the type to remain paranoid until given reason not to.
"Turn on you? Seriously? After all this fun, I thought we had something already."

"All we got is a whole lot of calcium to deal with, you fat turnip." She answered back, arms crossed.

"All I'm asking is how an honest to god fantasy elf ended up with the two of you." Wade said, pointing at the elf. "Like, look at her. She's a straight knight with magic."

He considered if he should tell them he could understand her, maybe that might get them to open up more to him. But given how she was immediately distrustful of him... maybe that wasn't a good idea yet. He could always tell them later, he could never un-tell them later. Assuming it really was a thing he was capable of doing consistently. The jury was still out on that one, Wade wanted to at least verify he could understand elvish before he brought it up.

He looked over to her, trying to see if he could test that language thing again.

She really did fit the vibe to an almost stereotypical way. Minus the feathers on her face, and those growing from her hair. He had no idea if she had feathers elsewhere, since the rest of her was armored up with exception to her head. All she had there was a tiara. And the blue soft glow from the etched lines inside made Wade think that item probably protected her face more than a helmet would.

"Smol angry devushka very prickly, is okay, she warm up soon enough." Leon said. "She only spooked right now, ehhh how to say, staying alive, da?"

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"You big oaf, I'm trying to keep you alive." The scot said, tapping his chest him a few times, forced to get on her tiptoes to manage that. "If you trust every single bampot that walks out the walls with a horde of skeletons behind him, one of them's gonna get you got eventually. You need to be more paranoid out here. For feck's sake."

Leon looked him over. "Okay, fair. We feed him soup first, then check later if backstabbing happen, da?"

Illy didn't laugh at that, "This ain't no joke. The bastards out here will do you in if you so much as blink wrong. Or did you already forget the past hour? We don't know who else is with this yank, or what he's done with them."

Had she fought others already? That would explain the paranoia.

A skeleton grabbed the sledgehammer right after the Russian bowled off an earlier one, and this time he yanked the enemy up like a fish. His free hand went straight for the skull, manhandling the surprised target. It was then bashed hard on the side of the ledge faster than Wade could blink. The move looked extremely practiced.

Leon tutted. "You see, frontal bone in skull is very hard, no good. Skeleton still moving, no concussion." He lifted the skeleton back up with one hand, it struggled in his grip and he shifted his handle on it, two fingers digging into the eye sockets. "But pterion bone on back here? Is thinnest part, very weak. Best place to hit. Even with their harder bones."

He slammed its skull a second time on the wallside, and the skull shattered into pieces, weapon slipping from its hand. "See? Concussed." The Russian tossed the headless skeleton up just as it started moving again... and swung the sledgehammer like a bat, knocking the monster up and off the wall. "Makes followup hit easy." Then he returned to the ladder, dealing with the next client. "So, Wade, still thinking of the backstabbing?"

"Uh, no. Not in the slightest." He said, feeling very nervous around these two, and very well aware of the first quest all of them likely got.

Leon grinned, then turned to Illy, "See? I can be very convincing. Go on, ask him about friends now."

She waved him off with another roll of her eyes, then turned to Wade. "All right yank, what happened to your other friends? They here sulking around somewhere?"

"Uh, I only have two friends in the world, and they're both not here with me." Wade said, head not quite processing through. Maybe something in his voice came through, but both Leon and Illy went quiet at this.

"Oh. Shite. Sorry to bring that up." Illy said. "I know it's a shock out here, especially for civilians."

They both seemed to grow quiet, as if giving him space.

Wade gave a small nod, not realizing the other two had gotten a very different impression on what he'd meant. Instead, he focused on following the routine right now, trying to not be noticed by the giant that could break skeletons apart with his bare hands. The general silence in the group along with everyone having a role to play helped calm him down, despite the situation.

Minutes passed as the team started to work together against the horde. The topic of friends got him to start ruminating on better times.

Wade set the last box down and looked around their tiny new place. Their own place. Not quite the old and sold family home, and they were renting it out so it wasn't going to be forever - but it was theirs. One bedroom. One bath. One living room with kitchen. And one hundred percent theirs.

And so long as they both continued to work part time jobs while studying in college, he and Ann would be able to keep living here without problem.
On her end, she was already unwrapping something behind her back with a mischievous grin as the last cardboard box was moved in."Okay, before we get all sentimental, I got us a housewarming gift. Mostly for you, since you did the heavy lifting for the deposit and first few months of rent." She said.

"You're the one who even found and negotiated this deal." Wade reached a hand out to tousle her red hair, messing it up. She immediately jumped back and screeched about how hard her hair was to maintain. Then unveiled her gift, holding it out like a charm to protect her from evil.

It was a coffee mug. Wade read the text and snorted. "'World's Okayest Employee.' Go get bent, you heartless witch."

"Accuracy is important Michael," Ann shot back, flopping onto their only piece of furniture setup so far, a secondhand couch that had seen better decades.

"You got it wrong then. I am the number one ranked employee." Wade contested, head high. "Bootlicker connoisseur, master of the supply closet and every broom, mop and pan in there."

"Jason, tell him what you think of his customer service voice." Ann said, from her throne on the couch.

Jason laughed from the doorway. "Dude, you sound like a serial killer trying to sell insurance. 'Have a great day, sir.' It's terrifying."

"It works, I get sales." Wade said, but he was smiling to himself as he set the mug on their makeshift kitchen counter. "Speaking of gifts..." He pulled out a small wrapped package, then handed it over to Jason. "For you and your mom. Just a little thank you for, you know, not letting us die on the streets after we got chased out. And a reminder on how we infested your living room like bedbugs for that many months."

"Yeah, thanks for not calling the exterminators. Pesticides would have ruined my skincare." Ann said, now bouncing on the couch. She'd spent the last twenty minutes decontaminating it, and was enjoying the fruits of her labor.

Jason unwrapped the thin paper to reveal a keychain with a tiny plastic couch. "Wade, you little shit."

Ann raced over from the couch, "Wait, let me see it. Let me se-" It had small lettering on the bottom. 'Home is where the couch is.' She rolled her eyes at that. "Oh. My. God. You're so stupid it hurts."

"Sure but at least it's not our backs hurting anymore. Sorry Jason, your couch was killing me anytime it was my turn on it. I think the futon was unironically more comfortable to sleep on. Only reason I kept taking turns is because we both know what would happen if we let Ann actually settle in anywhere. That couch would have become her territory."

"That does remind me," Ann said. "You can keep the bedroom Michael, this side of the living room is now Annabell Wade Territory. I have a plan for this space. Plans."

She had done exactly that in the end. Despite her focus on architecture and civil engineering, Wade figured she could have had an equally successful career as an interior decorator. Shogi screens were soon setup to divide the living room so she could have her own private mini-bedroom, and interior tarps hanging from the ceilings above her area along with string lights and artwork making her entire space feel like walking into a completely different world. She'd taken some time to save up from her own part time jobs in addition to her part of rent, but once Annabell Wade set her mind to something, it would get done.

They had just started community college, gotten free of their family and the world seemed filled with a future, so long as they worked hard enough for it.

At least, before everything went to shit.

Was still going to shit.

He couldn't tell if fighting off skeletons was better than fighting off debt collectors by himself. One thing he'd never do again: Accept an ambulance ride anywhere. He'd uber to the hospital, far more affordable.

You really should get more friends. Ann's words floated in his head. Quit being so lame, or do you want me to drag you out to a concert by the ear?

He really could use more friends right about now, especially in a life or death situation like this. And if there was magic in this world that could heal anything, he had to live long enough to get to it. Which meant getting with a team to improve his chances. How'd these two get a local like the elf to show up in the first place? He needed something like that, someone from this world, and with a high enough level to matter.

He took a look at her as he ferried over his next set of ammunition.

The elf remained at the ready, almost meditating. Haughty, regal, not even a sign of any fatigue despite the earlier fight. His head clicked through the options on how they'd done it, and he reached one possible conclusion: "Oh, I get it. For the elf. You found an advantage with the game system that ended up with her here helping out? And since I'm another player, I could be competition."

Leon gave a helpless shrug, confirming Wade's suspicion they all had the same PvP quest. "We have, eh, mixed results with others out here. Not everyone playing nice, eh? Smol angry girl maybe have point."

The Scot turned her glare to Leon next, looking outright betrayed. "Oh so you CAN understand me when you want huh? What happened to not understanding 'smol angry girl', you oaf?"

Leon stabbed with his sledgehammer down, like he were knocking snow off a roof. A skeleton was blasted downwards, bowling through his fellows and reset the entire ladder. Then he looked up to Wade, and put a hand by his ear as if trying to hear something far off. "Ehh, mister Wade. You hearing tiny squeaky voice nearby? No? Oh, must be imagining it."

"Ohhhh I'm gonna bite the shite out of you next chance I get." Then those angry little eyes widened, and she turned to look over Wade more critically. "Wait a tick, LEON, I don't think this numpty was with us at the start, aye? Second look at him, I'm sure of it. He ain't part of the original group."

"Part of the group? You started with others?"

"You didn't?" She asked back. "Then what was that bit about your two friends? A distraction?"

"No, I really do have two friends and they're still on earth, I have to get back to them,"

Goddamnit Play. That asshole really had sent Wade into the deep end alone while everyone else got a starting party. He was going to strangle that motherfucker the moment he had a chance.

Illy on her end just started laughing, "Feck me, I thought you'd just seen two others die in front of ye or something traumatic like that."

"Did... did that happen to you guys? How big was your original group?" Wade asked, now looking at the two in a different light. Possibly the only survivors after less than one hour in lethal difficulty.

"We starting with big group of twenty two. It not last." Then the man frowned. "And we may have… little problem."

The problem was not little.

The problem was that the skeletons finally wised up.

Like a bunch of dumb kids all trying to reach the cookie jar for five minutes before realizing chairs exist.

And the four of them were the cookie.