Diary of a Teenaged Mimic

Dear Diary,

Y'know, I gotta wonder if all the assorted new traumas, responsibilities, and shit like that has made my progress toward sorting my old life shit out faster or slower. Like, it seems like a no brainer, that if all I had to do was focus on being the healthiest version of myself, of course that would let me get there faster. But when I stop to think about it, I'm not sure that's actually right.

No, no, no, hear me out. I'm serious about this. All I had to do back in the day was deal with my shit. Well, that and go to class, but we all know exactly how seriously I took that shit. A High School Diploma was, at best, a slight precedence for wearing a tie at a fast food joint rather than saying 'do you want fries with that', but in the neighborhood I grew up in, that wasn't much more than a sure fire way to open and close, while being on 'salary' that just meant 'no overtime' no matter how many hours you put in. It also meant you couldn't take another job to make ends meet. Yeah, the pay might be up to triple hourly, but I've already pointed out my mom's whole 'work three jobs just to keep shit together' situation. So that would have been working one job three times as long to make ends meet.

But I digress. As I've said before, it's as chronic as my depression or my steel hard flat ass. At any rate, I had nothing to do but recover back in the day, and I straight up didn't. All I did was cut class, smoke weed, play video games, engage in ill advised hook ups, and occasionally drink myself insensate. None of that pushed me even the slightest bit out of wallowing in my misery, compounding my trauma with more trauma from abandonment, loneliness, and failure.

Here and now I've got family. I've got responsibilities, yeah, but I've come to realize that those are part and parcel of relationships. Like, okay, yeah, it's possible if my ladies took care of every fuckin' thing and I spent every moment of my day in therapy of one kind or another with Mom and Dad, I'd recover faster. Maybe. I've had a few times like that. When I got an exceptional amount of shit kicked out of myself. When I got zapped by Ria's Blessing and wound up unable to remember anything clearly from the time I got shot until the moment my ladies found me in Calverton. But then maybe I wouldn't have recovered from that deep trauma like that, either. Yeah, that time with amnesia helped, I think. I got to experience... Okay, it sounds really corny saying this, but I got to experience unconditional love, both in the intimate adult sense, the caring parental sense, and even in the sense of my offspring accepting me as I played with them. That helped. But I'm not sure I'd have grown like that. Not really. Not the way I need to.

I also would never have gotten the kick square in the ass from that letter I left myself. That part of me that's... subsumed, yeah, but also, in another way, gone. I can't think like her, because she's a past me who went away in an instant. Not the normal way past me goes away, gradually receding in the rear view, where I can see each step that took me from her to me, but all in a single flash. I still remember how I felt then. How she felt, I guess. And the very least I can do to somebody who was absolutely willing to off herself if she knew it meant that I'd be back, because she absolutely thought I was the better version of her, is to be that better version. To be the better Goddess, the better Partner, the better Mom. To maybe be the better Person.

Also, back in the day whenever I really looked at myself all I could see was me wasting time. Now, when I get back to therapy and talk about where I'm at, I talk about my kids, my partners, my students... I guess now my Worshippers maybe. Dunno if talking about them with Loki would be a violation of something or not.

Frankly, it's just not done, but I see no reason why not. I'd be honored if you trusted me enough to share stories of them with me.

Thanks, Dad. You're the best.

I know.

So yesterday's bow training went pretty well. Watching Hildegarde and Citron tryna keep Vickerson from getting lost in her own head was kinda funny, but sweet at the same time. More surprising, but even sweeter, was watching Citron and Vickerson both show Hildegarde how to use a bow.

Brought everybody home along with enough Salisbury steaks for everybody to have at least two. Wound up with at least a few pounds of leftovers, all of which went directly into Siobhan and Marie. Mostly Marie. Again, surprisingly sweet watching Siobhan blush at getting 'Cadet food'.

"Good Girl," crooned Saffron as she fed Siobhan another bite. As she chewed, Saffron hugged her and said, "so you understand, I'm very pleased you no longer try to avoid food 'intended for Cadets'."

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Siobhan swallowed and laid a hand on her belly. "But I am feeding a Cadet, though."

Marie swallowed up the last of the leftovers, then looked down at her belly, which was absolutely still stuffed full. I tried not to think of what lurked within other than food, because every time I did I got urges to cart her off for some adult alone time. She frowned at the curve of her belly and said, "Not Disappointed?"

"By what? You bingeing? Please, Siobhan is eating for two, you're eating for nine." I snuggled her to me, then smirked and said, "even if you weren't, it just means there's more of you to love."

Yeah, corny line, one that I got hit with every spring back in the day when I put on some extra weight to make it through the lean months with no school lunches. But Marie ate it up with almost as much alacrity as the leftovers. Then turned to fill my mouth with the taste of gravy and the sea. The liplock did not break for meaningful amounts of time all through our shower, through the Bath soaking, and even through a visit to the Bedroom before we all settled in to sleep for the night.

Dreamt of my ladies in a family way draping their hair into my Maw, letting the ghosts of their flavor fill my Maw until I couldn't stand it, then laughing as I pulled them under.

Woke to a certain Murder Mittens clamped to my shoulder, whimpering a little. Trying to hide my wince as she clenched her jaw every time she whimpered, I asked, "what's wrong, Mittens?"

Sick.

"Oh?" It took me a second. "Oh!" I reached out with my other arm and nudged Siobhan awake.

She popped up, looking a little less chipper and aware than she normally did, but quickly focused on me. "Tabitha, what's... oh! Wait right here, lovely Maenad." She rolled out of bed, returning less than a minute later with a stein of water, some hardtack, and a few herbs. "I'm not sure if these will work on you, lovely Maenad, but I brought them should the crackers and water not."

"Okay, Mittens honey, I know this makes you feel better, but I need you to let go now."

Don't Wanna. She whimpered again, her jaw convulsively closing over my shoulder. It hurt like a bitch, but again, I'd had plenty worse since I got here. Shit, I think she'd done this at least this hard at one point in bed and I didn't even fuckin' notice.

"I love you, and would let you sit like this all day, but we need your mouth to get some waters and crackers into you. Now, let go please."

Not gonna.

I sighed. "If you don't let go, I'm gonna have to make you let go. for medical reasons."

Fine.

She did not let up in the slightest. After the next cycle of whimpering and chomping, I reached around her and took the nape of her neck in my other hand, as much as I could grasp, and squeezed. I didn't want to, but wound up pumping Mana into my body and clamping down as hard as my Strong Arm could go. At that point she went completely limp, her jaws slipping free. "I'm gonna feed you now. Once you've eaten and drunk to Siobhan's satisfaction, you can go back to that."

"Or you can use me, dear Mistress," Siobhan said as she handed me the stein.

"No the fuck she will not, little Miss Carrying the Imperator's Child. I'm pretty sure she'd take your shoulder off." Siobhan winced, and I shrugged, ignoring how it made my punctures leak a bit. "She's a little overwhelmed." I rolled her over to face up, then poured water into her mouth, slowly and carefully, letting her swallow a mouthful at a time. When the stein was dry, I handed it to Siobhan, took the crackers, and said, "refill, please?"

"Are you still thirsty, Mistress?" Marie nodded, and Siobhan said, "slowly. Small bites. No gobbling," before she rolled off the bed again.

By that point Saffron had started her boot up sequence. I'd barely got half of one hardtack biscuit into Marie before she crawled over to us, followed by a couple girls. "Poor Marie," she crooned, stroking our Maenad's hair. "I remember this phase." She looked over to see me feeding another broken off bit of cracker to Marie, then smiled sadly. When Siobhan returned with two steins and a large flask, she chuckle sobbed. "I suppose Ma's advice to me is already being followed then?"

Siobhan set the water down leaning against my thigh, crawled over to pull Saffron to her chest, and murmured, "share it with us anyway?"

Saffron smiled and said, "hydrate. Dry bread with a little salt. Hydrate more. Jerky. Hydrate until you piss clear. Repeat until the little bugger stops making you puke." Then she turned and buried her face in Siobhan's chest.

We got good kids. They clustered around and smothered first Saffron, then Marie with hugs, while I slowly fed and watered our tigress.

I Co-Located to my spots in the Academy with the Maids, then had one of me drop into the Grand Council chamber and tell them the Imperator was dealing with some pregnancy related issues. Yes, that phrasing was completely me letting my inner chaos gremlin make the meddling types among them waste time tryna take advantage of Saffron's nonexistent 'delicate condition'. I stepped one of me to the Infirmary and told Siobhan's trainees that they were under my supervision for the day; they'd do the healing, I'd provide the Mana.

Yeah, I know a little bit about grieving. That shit hits you out of left field when you least expect it, and 'pushing through it' just wounds you deeper. So as long as I can give my ladies time to let it out, to grieve in their own time when it hits them? They will totally fuckin' get that time.

By the end of the day, after two small meals of jerky and three of hard tack, Marie's stomach had settled enough to let me carry her down to dinner. As we all got ourselves upright and dressed enough to eat in front of the women from the other Houses, Karen pinged me. Well, us.

Goddess, Imperator, I've received news from the Mansa of Compton; he will receive our delegation tomorrow morning.