Diary of a Teenaged Mimic

Dear Diary,

When I think back to the days before my mom got her diagnosis, when she was just working one almost full time job (because ain't no minimum wage job that'll employ people from my old neighborhood that'll also give you forty hours a week, because benefits are spendy) and another part time, I remember birthdays being super fun cool days when everything was awesome. I'm pretty sure they weren't the kind of awesome I'm remembering. I probably got cake and ice cream, sure, because you can get cheap cake and ice cream and a little kid won't know the difference. I think I got toys. I'm not absolutely sure, because while I know I had a few toys growing up, I'm not sure how many of them were birthday presents and how many of them were just hand me downs from my older sister. But I remember birthdays being awesome, and some part of me absolutely wants to make my girls' birthdays as awesome as I remember mine being.

I've got some advantages there. Mom had neither some tiny fragment of the GDP of the eastern seaboard as a budget, I'm pretty sure I had no older siblings who secretly had the ability to fabricate any fuckin' thing any of us dreamed up, and despite my childhood adoration of her that never really went away, I'm pretty sure if she had the ability to rewrite reality on a whim, she'd have used it to cure her fuckin' cancer. Not like my mom wanted to die and leave me alone.

Oh. Oh, shit. I wonder if that's where some of the trauma I'm carting around in my head comes from. One week, Mom is home at least four nights out of any given week. The next, she's never home at all when I'm awake unless I stay up way past my bedtime, and when I do that she gets all pissed at me. After an eternity of that by kid standards, but not all that long by any objective adult measure, she wound up lying in a hospital bed, dying. I'm kinda thinking my kid brain must have totally taken that shit personally, like she decided she didn't want to be around me so bad that she not only went to work all the time rather than be with me, but fuckin' died rather than spend another minute around me. As an adult, I see the utter selfish kid bullshit in that. But I totally get how that would fuck with a kid's head, especially a kid as neurospicy as me.

I still want my girls' birthdays to be the kind of thing that if someday I wind up dying a little too hard, or tangle with somebody big enough to put me in a box until they're all grown, or for whatever other reason I wind up not being there for them, they can look back and point at those days and say, 'yeah, Mama loved me, she did all that shit'. Which yeah, isn't really what love's about, but try telling most kids that. I sure as fuck didn't get it.

So dinner yesterday wasn't a total success, but it wasn't a complete failure either. Yesterday the Maenads made beef and gravy for the Cadets. Shoe leather beef, but I managed to scoop a dozen or so cuts out before they'd dried to shoe leather. When they saw me doing that, the Maenads started doing the same. Turns out none of them like beef that's been cooked into submission, but at some point in the past some snobby sort complained about 'uncooked beef', and since then they've been cooking it into shoe leather. Yeah, don't piss Maenads off, because they will never forget that shit. They may, in fact, forget that their habits started as malicious compliance vengeance against some asshole who died a hundred years ago.

Thing is, while our kids have gotten used to bear steaks, they've also gotten used to bread and veggies, and my stupid ass forgot that the Academy meals tend to be protein heavy. So I wound up cooking a bunch of barely risen bread while the kids ate beef and gravy. Which meant the kids used the gravy to turn the not very soft bread into something kid palatable. Messy as fuck, but kid palatable. So less work today, sort of, but more work tomorrow, getting gravy out of every damn thing the kids were wearing. Seriously, it's now my job to collect up all the clothing, and Menace got gravy in her underwear. Her underwear! How? Just how?

Of course, there was still some good fun to be had at dinner time. While I fed a still kinda bloated Marie bites of beef and gravy, Saffron had to convince Siobhan to eat it at all.

"This is far too rich for me!"

Saffron wasn't having any of it. "Siobhan, you love liver bisque. That's far richer than this. You need your protein. I'm fine with small portions, I don't want to overstuff you, but you simply must eat something."

"I meant... not rich as in taste, but..."

Saffron rolled her eyes. "You are the Imperator's Concubine, Darling. We're not as wealthy as the Lancasters, but we can afford to feed our family well." She shrugged and took a bite herself, and I saw the bit of nostalgia on her face when she swallowed. "These aren't even particularly expensive cuts. Headmaster Miles wouldn't be buying them in job lots if they were."

"But... the Cadets..."

"Are all eating just fine, Ice Pop," I chimed in. "Besides, you really think that little one you're making isn't gonna go to the Academy at some point?"

Siobhan's jaw dropped open at that, like the thought hadn't even occurred to her. Saffron popped a gravy covered bite into her mouth and continued my line of assault on Sister Siobhan's silly self-denial by saying, "whether it's as a Cadet or a Sister, I can't see any child of ours not becoming part of the Academy somehow, Siobhan."

When she finally swallowed, she blushed a little and said, "well. I suppose if you put it that way."

At that point, as I watched her eat the Academy Cadet Chow while feeding my Murder Mittens more of the same, I realized that we'd had this conversation with her more than once. Like, pretty much every time something struck her as 'too nice' for her. For a minute, I was gonna say something, but then I realized how often I do that myself. I think I've taken a bunch of steps forward, that I'm not gonna tell myself people hate me or hated me because as a kid I convinced myself they did, and then I get to thinking and wind up falling down the same old holes. Getting bit by the same old Black Dogs I thought I'd defanged. I guessed maybe I'm not the only one who does the 'three steps forward, two steps back' thing.

Shit, that's at least a net gain of a step, right?

So when everybody'd eaten as much in the way of beef and bread and gravy as they could cram in, I Co-Located over to both sides of Saffron's chair, one of me scooping Siobhan away from her, one of me scooping my Kitten into the princess carry she so clearly deserved.

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"What brought this on, Goof?"

I nudged Saffron with my nose and whispered, "you always take care of me. Support me. Even when I'm at my lowest."

"Of course I do. You're my wife. I love you. Why wouldn't I support you?"

I laughed as I snuggled her while we walked, kids swirling around us as we headed for the Bore on our way to the Bath. "It still surprises me. The support. And the love," I whispered that last into her neck, and she wrapped her arms around me and just clung to me as we walked.

I pulled Siobhan snug to me, stroking one tentacle across her belly as I turned her so I could look her in the eye. "You know we all love you, right Siobhan?"

She giggled just a little. "I... It seems so much like a dream sometimes. Like I don't deserve it."

I squashed the impulse to frown at her, smiling softly instead. "You do, though." I nodded at her belly.

She sighed. "I suppose I should be taking better care of the Imperator's child."

I rolled my eyes, but kept up the smile. Then pulled her into a kiss. When I let her go, she blinked at me as I said, "no, silly Darling. I mean, yeah, you're eating for two now, but you've got it all backwards and inside out." She tilted her head, still reeling from the kissing, which may have included some surreptitious tentacle fondling, because I know Darling is absolutely a huge tentacle fan. Like, this woman would keep the entire hentai industry alive all by her lonesome. Yes, I know it's not all tentacles, but you still got my point. Anyhow, I smiled at her and said, "Saffron and I both wanted to put a baby in that belly because you're so special to us. Because you're so important to us. Because we think you're one of the most wonderful women we know."

She snorted, disbelief clear on her face. "Oh, please. Saffron is a Hero, an Archmage, and the Imperator. Marie is the Champion of Dionysus and a Demigoddess in her own right. You're... you're the Primordial Patron Goddess of the Alliance, not to mention its Champion..."

"And you, Siobhan Darling, or should I say Archmage Sister Siobhan Darling, are the woman we all spent two seasons eagerly awaiting the moment we could finally focus our collected ardor on. Because you are so very sweet, and kind, and wonderful." She'd acted like she wanted to interrupt my interruption until I reminded her about the Archmage thing, at which point her blush covered her face and started rushing down her neck. "Do you know what I'm going to do if you keep forgetting that, keep selling yourself short, keep thinking that you're just an afterthought or a toy?"

It took her a moment to form the word, but she squeaked out, "no?"

I leaned in and whispered, "I'm going to keep reminding you, day after day, night after night, until one morning you wake up and realize that all of us love you for who you are, because we think you're wonderful, and that none of us will ever stop loving you." She kinda stuttered out nothing, since she clearly wanted to deny everything I'd said, while also wanting all of it to be true. Eventually I stood a little straighter and said, "sorry."

"Sorry for what?"

I shrugged, "well, I mean, you have that whole delicate condition thing going on, so I can't be too rough with you, and I think I read somewhere that too much stress, even good stress, can be bad for developing babies while they're in their mom's womb, so I'm not totally copacetic about, y'know, terrifying you until you decant."

She pouted a little bit, but sighed. "I suppose not."

"Doesn't mean we can't sneak off to the Bedroom after the kids are asleep though." Totally worth every bit of everything to see her melt around that eager little grin.

I brought up the rear of the procession carrying Murder Mittens. I nuzzled her belly and smiled. "You really went to town on those raw steaks, huh?"

"Very Tasty!"

I laughed at her utterly unrestrained glee. Almost every moment since we'd met, she'd been so self-controlled, so poised, but since our wedding night I'd seen a new side of her. Playful, almost kittenish. I realized something right then, and asked, "you sure you feel safe with the whole shattered hips thing?"

She smiled, reading what I was really asking from the question like I'd had to divine the meaning from her single words so often. She draped her arms around me, snuggled into my neck, and said, "Absolutely Safe."

"Good." As we climbed the steps up the Bore to the third floor, I asked, "so, when the honeymoon is done, you planning on going back to work?"

She lifted her head, gave me a confused little look, and said, "Of Course."

I nodded. "I kinda figured, I just wanted to be sure. I am absolutely not an adequate replacement for you like, anywhere."

She shrugged. "Good Bodyguard."

"Oh, please. The only reason nobody's gonna go after Saffron is because they saw what happened to New Amsterdam. To Oliver and Octavio."

"Exactly."

I snerked a little at that, then quietly asked, "so... when you go back to work, will we still get to see this side of you? The silly eager side?"

She pondered that for a bit, but I saw the twinkle in her eye when she finally replied, "Sometimes, Maybe."

"Good. Because you know what?" She tilted her head, curious. "I would absolutely do the same as I did to Oliver to anyone who hurt you, Mittens. Ask Ares about his asshole if you don't believe me."

"Ask..." She blinked, trailed off in an absolutely un-Marie-like manner then said, "Wait, What?"

I laughed at her consternation, then said, "I might have blown a hole down to magma somewhere on Olympus, then carved the word 'Ares' Asshole' into the cliff near the new volcano last time you got hurt."

She just gawped as I carried her to the shower, banished her clothes, and started in on cleaning her. "But, Undead?"

"Yeah, the Levies didn't really hurt Saffron, either. Someone hurts one of my ladies, I lose my shit just a little bit." She gave me a look, and I said, "okay, a lot. Yes, including you, Marie Aetos-Diaz."

So fun watching my Murder Mittens blush harder than Siobhan.

Almost as fun as my ladies getting very specifically demanding once we put the kids to bed. Apparently Siobhan wanted to try out what she and Saffron had done on Penance night without the, y'know, Penance part. When the two of them could think coherently again, they insisted Marie and I try it. Gotta say, eleven out of ten, would ride that ride again.

Dreamt of my ladies dropping to within inches of my Maw, then lifting themselves away. Eventually, after an eternity of my tentacles hovering there, wanting, waiting, unwilling to deny them Agency in this most intimate of things, Saffron smirked at me as all of them chorused, go ahead, Goof. Holy fucking feasting, so tasty.

Today wound up being pretty routine. Got spicy eggs for the kids for breakfast, worked with the Maenads and the Academy's' sausage grinder to grind up some beef and make burgers for lunch for everybody, complete with pickles, sliced onions, and tomatoes. Even got some decent cheddary cheese to melt over top. Not exactly American singles, but it worked anyhow, especially with fresh baked and toasted hamburger buns. Big hit at home and at the Academy. Not enough potatoes yet to make French fried potatoes, but I got the Maenads to deep fry some carrot sticks. Not the same, but still had some good cronch.

Nothing new in the Grand Council, and the only big thing in the Infirmary wound up being a couple Cadets with mild tomato allergies. Nothing terrible, not even actually puking, just vaguely nauseous and muzzy headed.

The kids got a little cranky when it started raining, but Maze and I hopped back to the Academy and brought back the whole bookshelf, installing it in our bedroom, where she started reading Guards! Guards! Figure maybe showing them that even Dragons can be beaten by the Power of Love isn't the worst lesson to learn.

I mean, yeah, The Power of Love, and this Mythic Terror Beast I Found, but still.