Diary of a Teenaged Mimic

Dear Diary,

"Egalitarianism,

Equality, Equity,

Try not to fuck it all up."

Doctrine of Tabitha, Book of Egalitarianism

Yeah, look, I realized as I was looking at the earlier Book that future me had laid out ten verses for Agency, so I'm pretty sure she wanted ten verses for Egalitarianism too. Shit, now I've got to do ten verses for Redemption, I guess. Unless the folks working on it manage to sort out who did this and how to turn it off. Which would be the end of me as I am now, but at least I wouldn't have to write any more of this shit. Which might be why I'm stuck writing it, so I don't get too up in arms over not being.

But then, I wouldn't get to play with the kids, either. Or with Wife and Wife-To-Be and Official Mistress. I wouldn't get to eat chicken and waffles, or towel everybody dry, or trade back washing with Saffron. Of course, if I wind up needing to do fuck all in terms of Goddessing or doing any of the shit I went to the Academy to learn, I'm screwed. Or really, whoever I'm supposed to be helping is gonna be screwed, and I have no idea why I'm more upset by that, but I am.

Oh, my fuck, I've got skin in this game. Shit, why the fuck do I have skin in this game?

Okay, that's the stupidest question I've asked myself so far, because there are so many answers it's not even fuckin' funny. Saffron. Marie. Siobhan. Isnomi. Daya, David, Alex, Lindsey, and Maze. Saffron. Mom. Loki. Saffron, holy shit I don't know why she keeps rolling back to the front of my mind but she does. Don't get me wrong, everybody else on this list is family and I would die for them, but oh my god Saffron is air and light and life.

Have you ever thought that you are all that and more to her, daughter?

Pfft. Me? Yeah, fuck no. But holy shit I barely know her and she's all that and the goddamned bag of chips factory.

Just something to think on, daughter, that you may mean more to her than you realize.

Yeah. Thanks, Dad.

Of course.

No idea why he sounds like somebody shot his dog.

So yesterday, after playing with the kids all day long, Saffron got home on time, but when dinner time rolled around Siobhan still hadn't shown up. Saffron looked up from where she'd been sitting on my lap, her legs across Maze's lap where the pony girl had kept reading after Saffron stole my lap from her. "Marie? Is Siobhan well?"

"Paperwork."

Saffron sighed. "Bring her back here, please." Marie stepped away, and a few moments later, stepped back in front of us carrying Siobhan. Who just kind of lay there in Marie's arms looking grumpy. "Siobhan?"

"Yes, Saffron?"

"Are you still doing paperwork?"

The cute little blonde threw her arms in the air and practically wept, "it's not going to do itself!"

"That's what she said."

Everybody gave me a WTF Diaz look, then Saffron shook her head and said, "if you cannot finish your work given all the extra hours you put in, we simply must get you an assistant."

"I have one!"

"Orderlies do not count."

"But your grandmother certainly ought to! She can record names and make copies and file forms and handle Cadets who need simple poultices and such." I'd never seen Siobhan quite this flustered. Or, not for this kind of reason.

Saffron took a deep breath, then said, "Siobhan. This is an order from your Imperator, and your Mistress. Return here. All of you. Now."

In the sudden silence I felt something as Siobhan looked maybe a little less distracted, but far more fatigued. "I didn't think you'd ever order me around like that, Saffron."

Saffron slipped out of my lap, then took Siobhan from Marie's arms, setting her on her own feet, holding her upright when she slumped. "For my own benefit? I doubt it. But for your own well being? I absolutely would. Now. Marie? Could you please bring dinner up to the suite? Extra servings for everyone. Especially our Siobhan."

Siobhan frowned. "First leaving my work incomplete, now stuffing me like a Harvest goose?"

Saffron lay her head on Siobhan's shoulder, arms around her. "Siobhan?"

"Yes?"

"Would you let me run a Grand Council meeting if I showed signs of nearing collapse?"

"Of course not, I would..."

Before Siobhan could finish, Saffron asked, "Would you let me skip a meal if I showed signs of starvation?"

Siobhan shook her head. "I..."

"Then why do you expect me to take poorer care of you than you do of me?" While Siobhan just stood there, mouth working, Saffron asked, "now, I assume the core of the problem is the glut of new Cadets?"

Siobhan nodded. "Cadets are being forced to share rooms. Marshall duBois is teaching four dozen Cadets at a time. Doctor Roberts is doing the same in Mana Shaping." She shook her head. "And all of that is causing more... mistakes."

Saffron looked over to me, then shook her head and sighed. "I'll speak with Vincent in the Scribe's Guild and Doctor Zeccardi at the University. We'll get you help, both with the paperwork and the Healing. At least until you're caught up."

Siobhan slumped. "Even then, I'll just fall behind again."

"No, you won't. Do you know why?" Siobhan looked up, obviously fatigued to the point where even hope took too much effort. "While they are helping you catch up, you're going to be picking out six Cadets to train up in all your duties."

"Cadets? But... they're training to be Heroes!"

Saffron just nodded. "And if there isn't at least one Hero capable of the Healing and administration you do on a daily basis at each of our Academies, they'll grind to a screeching halt before the end of a single Season."

Siobhan chewed air for a little bit before looking sour and saying, "Would you have me train my replacement, then?"

Saffron shrugged. "Should they outlive you? I suppose so. But mostly I think we ought have at least two Healers in each Infirmary, for a variety of reasons." Siobhan thought about that for a second, but as she opened her mouth to reply, Saffron said, "not least of which would be your maternity leave."

"Oh, well, I suppose wait, what?" Siobhan squeaked at the end, her face going red. So fuckin' cute.

Saffron just nodded. "Not that you are yet, of course. But your Goddess has absolutely expressed interest in making you require such leave."

"I did what?"

"Your exact words were 'get her', meaning Siobhan, 'and anybody else interesting pregnant', along with some additional thoughts on making sure our house will be able to house the small army of offspring you seemingly intend on having." She smiled at me, letting me know without words that whatever she'd thought about it initially, she'd definitely bought into both the 'make use of all available uteruses' and 'build a house big enough for a fuckton of kids' portions of the plan.

My plan. That was my plan, and the sudden undeniable heat everywhere below my neck let me know that whatever my brain thought about the plan, my body and heart were not just willing, but eager and maybe even a little impatient to start. I realized exactly how much I liked the plan when my hand closed over Siobhan's wrist and pulled her down into my lap.

"Did... did you really say that?" I nodded, not because I remembered, but because Saffron did, and every part of me but my brain seemed to. "But we're both women... and that is quite possibly the dumbest thing I've ever said at this point, isn't it?" I nodded again, pulling her incrementally closer every instant.

Then Maze bonked me with her book. "Hey!"

"You could at least wait until I'm done reading."

I shook my head. "Not that. Don't use a book for that, it's rude!" A moment later she bonked me in the face with a throw pillow, my hands being fully occupied with securing Sister Siobhan. "That's better. And I'm not gonna impregnate her right here and now."

"No?" Maze sounded exceptionally skeptical.

"No?" Siobhan, on the other hand, sounded oddly disappointed.

I nodded to both of them. "She's got to train her assistants first. Pregnancy is rough on some women. Yeah, lots of them keep working right up until the day the kid pops out, but I had a friend back in the day who got sick, like, a few weeks in, and didn't stop vomiting until like a week after the kid came out."

"Yuck."

"Yeah. What's worse? She was fine with the next one. Didn't even realize she was pregnant until like month five."

Saffron, who'd sat down on the far side of Maze and relaxed into the cushions, asked, "did she not notice the lack of monthly flow?"

I shrugged. "Apparently she still got it the first two months, and hers was pretty irregular. Got worse over the summer when food got scarce." I looked at Maze. "So, like, if you ever find somebody you want to make babies with? Make sure you're ready to spend several months doing fuck all."

"Ew. No thank you."

"Hey, that's cool too. Not my job to tell you whether to do it or not. Just my job to make sure you have the deets if you decide to."

She leaned into me, coincidentally adding another hand to those holding Siobhan from getting away, and said, "okay, Papa."

Weird kid, but holy shit I'd just mommed her without thinking about it, and she reacted like a normal kid with their actual parent. Okay, calling me 'papa' when I'm quite obviously in possession of tits and a lack of penis is a little weird, but still, I've heard weirder things.

Right about then Marie arrived with a huge tray and a procession of lesser maids and butlers all carrying trays and plates and pitchers and one honest to god soup tureen. Saffron slapped her hands together and said, "okay then." She raised her voice a little and called out, "children? Menace?"

Less than a ten count later five kids, led by Isnomi, pelted through the door. "Yeth, Ma?"

"We'll be eating in the suite tonight." She looked at the wait staff and said, "we'll handle everything from here; it will do the children some good to help Marie with returning the dishware." With a chorus of 'yes, ma'am' and 'very good ma'am', they all left. The moment the door clicked shut on the last of them, she turned to face the rest of us and said, "along with everyone getting dinner, our goal tonight is to get as much of all this," she waved her arms at the collected gently steaming serving trays, "into her," she pointed at Siobhan, "as possible without making her vomit."

"Saffrommphh!"

I gave her a peck on the cheek and said, "don't talk with your mouth full, cutie," while holding a roll in her mouth. That pretty much set the tone for the meal. I got maybe one bite of everything, which included some good roast pork, some steak, mixed steamed veggies, and some mashed orange stuff, and the kids definitely got their fill, but for every bite one of them took Siobhan had one stuffed into her. By the time the other Maenads and ladies started wandering in from the dining room, Siobhan lay in my lap, belly just a little tight from all the food we'd stuffed into her, groaning in mixed contentment and bloating. I'd spent the last half hour or so carefully regulating when she was ready for another bite.

"Goddess. If I take another bite I'll burst."

"Nah. I got you, Siobhan. I'm just gonna keep filling in the top until it comes out the other end. You're gonna be like a eclair, or maybe a cannoli. A jelly donut? One of those pastry things that you stuff full until stuff starts coming out the other end." I smiled down at her as she focused on, I think, not barfing.

"You realize I won't absorb most of this."

Saffron chose that moment to lean over and give her a little peck on the cheek. "No, you won't. But I have no intention of letting you continue to starve yourself, and from now on when I say 'eat until you are full', you'll know that I mean full, not 'stuffed to overflowing'." Another quick peck on the cheek, then, that's for when we decide it's time for your maternity leave.

So cute to see her blush like that and not pass out. "Can I just stay here for a while?"

I shrugged. "I'm down. Saffron?" She nodded. "Okay then, it's settled. You're here until we all decide you're fit to start training your assistants."

Saffron and Marie took care of bedtime, and that left Siobhan and I alone on the couch for most of the night. Maybe halfway between dusk and dawn she stirred and looked up at me. "Do you really want to have a child with me, Tabitha?" I nodded. "I'd... I'd never thought of that before. Being a mother. It scares me a little."

"We're all here for you, Siobhan. And..." I paused, sighing. "nobody's gonna force you to do anything. Not even me."

"But you want it?" I nodded. "I told you this once before, although you don't remember. Sometimes all we have to reward others with are ourselves. I... I think I would bear your child just for that reason."

"Yeah, I don't want you doing it because you feel obligated."

She shook her head. "Not obligation, Goddess. Not obligation, or duty, or anything onerous. But rather... a gift only I can give, and I choose to give it to you."

I sighed. "Kinda want you to maybe want a little mix of you and me running around. But I totally get it if you don't."

She smiled up at me, her eyes still drifting shut. "Give it time, Tabitha. That idea may grow on me."

So weird. So fuckin' weird. I stayed up all night, but wound up feeling fine the next morning at bath time. Okay, I don't think I slept. Just sat there watching over Siobhan all night.

Spent today listening to Maze read to everybody again. Don't think I'm ever gonna get over being a little bit weepy at that.