Diary of a Teenaged Mimic

Dear Diary,

Okay, confession time. Back in the day, at the height of my edge lord phase, I absolutely denied the existence of chronic conditions. I didn't acknowledge that life had traumatized me, or that I had ADHD, or chronic depression, or anything else, just that my Tragic Backstory™ of having a dead mom and missing, presumed dead dad justified me being a misanthropic bitch to anyone and everyone. But I maintained that I wasn't damaged, or disabled, or any other form of less than perfectly healthy, I was just reacting rationally to a crappy world filled with awful people.

I say 'the height of my edge lord phase' because before then I'd had a few therapist visits where they pointed out I had some trauma going on, and I'd even gotten a prescription for ADHD meds at one point. Got a month's worth it filled on the government's dime even. Traded that shit to a dealer who sold it to suburban Honors students for enough ganja to keep me high for half the school year. Thought I was super smart and fiscally responsible for that. Wound up diving into my edge lord phase when the weed ran out. Grew out of it when I realized I'd been doing Actual Cringe Bullshit™ for like a month straight. Not mild stupid cringe like polishing the pearl to furry porn or using fake ID to start an Only Fans populated by nothing but yiff toys I'd bought 'animated' by me standing off screen and bumping the dolls together. Serious cringe shit like finding and downloading videos of questionable legality and negligible quality onto my phone, then showing them to teachers just to see which of them would suspend me from school.

Seriously, who does that? I mean, yeah, 'cry for help', but at this point I can't count the number of hours I wasted on that shit.

But more importantly, in my effort to convince myself I wasn't damaged, I denied the existence of damage as a thing. I said some really awful shit to and about people with chronic conditions. Sometimes I think my chronic pain now is some kind of karma for that shit. But then I realize that life, both back in the day and here and now, is sometimes just random bullshit, and trying to blame someone for it is pointless. Worse than pointless, it's a waste of time I could spend looking for a solution or chasing down palliatives.

Thought about that all day yesterday, overnight as I stood watch on all the Tentacles, and most of the day today. Mostly because along with the chronic pain of my scars, which Marie mauling does wonderful things for, and my aforementioned ADHD and Depression, I am now dealing with the more or less constant distraction of fuckin' kaiju out to sea tryna push their way through my tentacles. Which makes me want to apologize to every person with an invisible chronic illness, because fuck me if this isn't some kind of literal metaphor for that shit. Seriously, my tentacles are literally in Metaphoric space, and half the time when I pull them through to the Mortal Realm they're fuckin' invisible as shit because I'm using Blend on them.

Yeah, last night after dinner, which included paninis and multiple kinds of deep fried potatoes, and a long soak in the Bath with not just my local ladies, but Mads and Karen as well, because I think Saffron realized I'm doing that oscillating spiral thing, Siobhan asked me to wait in the Bath.

"Sure. What's up, Ice Pop?"

She waited until the kids, Hailee included, had left the room, then replied, "in the Bath, please?"

I glanced through the ladies' eyes, confirmed that all the kids were in the Bore headed down to bed, then pulled her to me for a kiss. Afterward I whispered, "any particular reason?"

She shrugged. "It's beginning to get harder to maneuver myself around. The water helps."

"Oh! Okay, sure." She went still and head tilted, so I chuckled and said, "I kinda wondered if you were feeling some kinda way being on display over next to the Maw."

She blushed. "Yes? No? Um..." I made a little interrogative noise, and she blurted out, "I've only so much time, Mistress."

I snuggled her, slipping a few tentacles in under the water, because it seemed both thematic and maybe funny. Then froze with her trapped in amongst a plethora of limbs. "What's my name, Siobhan?"

"Please, Tabitha?"

I maybe took away her ability to speak right then, but kept my hands stroking her hair. "Oh, sweet Siobhan, you don't have to say 'please'. Not to me, not for this. But I would like to know how you feel about being on display. I don't want you feeling some kind of way and doing it just because you think you have to."

Sorry. Tabitha. She lost the ability to communicate anything coherent for a bit right then. I might have been radiating smug harder than Vulcan, but I waited for her to continue. I feel both embarrassed and proud. Ashamed yet thrilled by my wanton behavior. I... She trailed off, and I might have gotten just a lot smugger.

When her projected thoughts approached coherence, I pulled her around and kissed her. She wound up whining a little into my mouth before I pulled her away. "I want to know how you feel, but the most important part is this: do you want to stop showing up there?"

"Never. Not now, not in my afterlife. If..."

"If what?"

"If you'll still want me there?"

I pulled her close and held her. "Always, Darling. Now and forever, you are dear to me. Dear to all of us."

She smiled. "You know, I can move about far more easily in the water."

I smiled at her. "And?"

She tapped at the tentacles still holding her, then slipped back and down through the water. Further than I'd thought she would, really. All the way down until she grabbed my ankles and yoinked me under the surface of the water. Do you like how the water feels, love?

I forget about the scars on my neck and face a lot. I think I may have some under my hair as well, but I've got like zero way to know for sure. But under the water all that nagging pain just kind of melted away. Oh, yeah. Thanks, Ice Pop.

Can we do what we did in the Bedroom with Saffron?

She's a little bit asleep at the moment, but...

Siobhan slipped around, skin sliding against mine, the sensation indescribably more intense and better without the constant nagging pain of my scars. That's not entirely what I meant, Tabitha.

Yeah, I dunno why, but her saying my name wound up melting me inside as much as the Bath did to me outside. Of course at that point my inner gremlin Tomoko popped up. Mmm... Taco.

I think it's a testament to Siobhan's growing Skills and dedication to the Concubine's craft that I could not respond coherently when she responded, Yum.

Interesting thing, submersion seems to slow her sick timer. We got nearly an hour of quality time before she thought, Goddess...!

I had her positioned over the toilet before the last few bits of dinner spilled out of her mouth. One more Co-Located me kept her supplied with water, both to rinse her mouth and to drink. I remembered something about vomiting and the runs are both most dangerous because of dehydration, and if I couldn't remove her misery, I could at least make sure she wasn't actually in any medical danger.

Gently rubbed her back until things settled long enough for me to shift her into bed. As she fell asleep clutching Hailee, who'd wriggled around to snuggle Siobhan when I put her to bed, she murmured out, "thank you, Tabitha."

So, y'know, some positive notes. Honestly, while she started her 'every night please' to maybe induce labor as soon as it's safe, I think it's also kinda helping me avoid crashing. Of course, I'm also realizing that while spiraling and oscillating are preferable to being mid-crash, experiencing them as an ongoing state of being is a kind of living Purgatory. That's assuming Purgatory's like hell lite, which most of the video games I played and anime I watched presented it as. Video games and anime wouldn't lie to me about something that serious, I'm sure.

Kinda weird thing today. Along with standing watch, I'd also paid another visit to my big snaky bro at the base of Yggdrasil. We had a good talk. Okay, I talked, he listened. He's a good listener. Something about being petrified, in the ossified sense. I think the Norns don't know what to make of me. They see me sitting there talking, they even kinda stand there watching over me like they're worried about what I'm doing. I've waved to them a couple times. They've never waved back, although Skuld usually nods at me when I do that.

That wasn't the weird thing, though. That happened like halfway between lunch and sunset. Marie showed up atop the West Tower and gently touched my shoulder. I'd been sitting there tailor fashion, because despite all duBois' training and my own efforts after, I just could not manage lotus. I'd been trying to meditate, keep direct contact with my larger self's Mana flow, so in an emergency I wouldn't need to 'pull' it so much as 'direct' it. I was also trying to see if paying attention to those disrupted tentacles out in the ocean without, y'know, trying to embody them or possess them would make the chronic distraction any better. It hadn't worked, but that's never stopped me before.

You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.

At any rate, I looked up into my tiger wifey's eyes. She looked vaguely worried, but just said, "Maze."

"Where?"

She pointed right in front of me and said, "Mortal Realm."

Okay, shit not working wasn't about to beat my stubborn, but it did make being distracted by a legitimate concern very attractive. I kipped up and landed on my feet atop the West Tower in the Mortal Realm. So weird that it's so much shorter there, but still tall as fuck, especially the side that faces the valley with all our farms.

Maze stood there, looking worried. I glanced around, didn't see Marie, then looked back at my little pony girl. "What's up?"

It took her a couple tries. I leaned back against the railing and just waited patiently. "I did... I think I did something bad."

I nodded and shrugged. "Okay."

"Okay?"

I chuckled a little. "Look, kiddo. I love you. You're my kid. I'm super happy and, uh, proud of myself that you've come to me rather than tryna hide whatever it is." I paused. "You didn't try to hide whatever it is, did you?" She shrugged and tilted her head, like she wanted to shake it but didn't want to lie. "Okay, look, before I start guessing at sh... stuff, because I know I'll guess all kinds of awful things, because I've done all kinds of awful things, why don't you tell me?"

When I mentioned doing awful things, she got a little concerned look. "You don't do awful things."

I took a deep breath, let it out, and looked to the sky for inspiration. Didn't find any, so I just said, "Maze, I killed your mom and dad."

She winced a little, but not in a frightened way. "Yeah, but you had reasons."

I nodded. "Yeah, but that doesn't mean it wasn't awful." She opened her mouth, but nothing came out, and she looked like she couldn't quite understand what her own argument was. "Don't get me wrong. If someone tries to hurt you, or your sisters, or any of our family or people, and I cannot convince them to back away and stop that shit? I will end them. As fast as I can and hard as I need to."

"Why...?" She held up a hand, and I paused with my mouth open. "Why fast? And why not as hard as you can?"

I smiled. "Because the more I've thought about it, the more I've realized that killing somebody hard doesn't do any good for anybody else." She still looked confused, so I continued. "I enjoy doing stuff like that, in a really awful kind of way. I'm good at it, and... Do you feel good swimming, now that you've kinda gotten in touch with your inner Kelpie?" She nodded. "It's like that. It feels good. Right. But the thing is, afterward I'm always a little horrified." I paused. "Do you know what the difference is for the person I kill?"

"The ones you kill hard are... No, they're both dead, aren't they?"

I smiled. "I knew you were smart. Yeah. That's just it. Dead is dead. If I vaporize their brain in an instant or turn them into salsa based modern art over the course of an entire lunar cycle, they're fuckin' dead." I shrugged again. "I mean, if the goal is for them to hurt for whatever reason, and they're gonna be back, like Diana, maybe there's a reason. But I'm still gonna feel a little icky, like I've done something dirty. Like changing a diaper, or mucking out a stall. I feel like I need a bath, but on the inside."

She nodded. "I... I feel a little icky."

I crouched down and held out my arms. She shook her head, and I dropped them down. "Okay. Take your time. If it's something we need to clean up, I'll help you clean it up. If it's something with consequences, I'll help you get through them." I paused. "You didn't kill anybody, did you?"

"No!"

"Okay. Did you hurt anybody?" She shook her head. "Break anything?" She shook her head, then got a really weird look, like she'd just realized she might have broken something or hurt someone without realizing it. "Okay. If nobody's dead or injured, we can fix whatever got broke. Or buy a new one." She just looked conflicted, so I slipped back into a tailor's seat. At that point I realized that my little pony girl wasn't so little any more. She wasn't, like, tall tall or anything, and she hadn't really started filling out, but she'd sprouted up to maybe just under Saffron height. Okay, maybe taller than Saffron height. Little hard to judge while sitting on my ass.

Thinking about that distracted me long enough for her to get her thoughts in order. She stepped over close enough that I could almost reach out to touch her, then whispered, "I... Saw something."

"Okay. What did you see?"

Instead of saying what, she just murmured, "in the Bath."

I blinked at the incongruity, then stifled a rueful chuckle as I realized what had happened. "Last night?" She nodded. "Were you hiding on purpose, or...?"

"I stayed on purpose, but it was 'cause you and Siobhan stayed, and I was sleepy. I thought you two were gonna go to sleep. I wasn't hiding on purpose, really." I raised an eyebrow. "Not at first."

I shook my head. "You know you could have said something, right? We wouldn't be mad."

"Siobhan would."

"Oh no she wouldn't. She might be frustrated, but there isn't a mean bone in Siobhan's body." I realized I'd kinda gone in the wrong direction, and started over. "I'm sorry you saw that."

"Why?"

That kinda floored me. "Because little kids shouldn't be forced to see adult things like that?"

She got the weirdest pout on her face, like she wanted to pout, but thought pouting would ruin her point as she said, "I'm not a little girl."

"Oh, you're a Big Girl like Isnomi?"

She snorted out a laugh, but shook her head. "No. I'm a young woman."

I opened my mouth to argue, then remembered all the times my sister told me I wasn't an adult, even as I bought groceries and paid rent and did laundry. "Okay. I'm not sure how accurate that is." She opened her mouth, but I held up a hand asking for patience, and she subsided. "Your Mom Saffron was technically an Adult when she wasn't too much older than you, I think. I don't know how quick Kelpies mature, but I'm not even gonna worry about that."

"You're not?"

I shook my head. "Nope. There's some bullsh... Some stuff about hygiene that we'll need to talk about when that starts..."

"I know about the bleeding."

I sat there with my mouth open a little. "Have you started?" She shook her head. "Okay, yeah, that hits different women different, but I'm just gonna say you can know all about it, but it hits different when it happens. Just know that when it does, you don't need to be upset or anything about it. It's like poop or pee, just something your body does that you gotta deal with." I shook my head again. "Anyway, my point is one that I told Menace about a while back. I don't remember if you were in the room, but there's stuff that adults deal with that kids don't have to. Some of it is fun stuff, yeah. Some of it is... Just stuff, like cooking or cleaning or paying bills."

"You pay bills?"

I laughed. "Yeah, no, Saffron takes care of all that. But I cook, and I clean, neither of which she does. So we help each other that way." Thinking about what she'd come here to talk to me about, I shook my head. "Look, I'm a tiny bit worried that you're gonna need therapy about seeing that, and I'm pretty sure Siobhan will be mortified when she finds out..."

"Don't tell her!"

I paused, looked my little pony girl in the eye, and said, "are you gonna?" She froze up. "I'm not mad you stayed, because you thought we were both just sleeping in the tub, didn't you?" She nodded. "I'm not mad you hid, because you didn't know what to do, and hiding is..." I shrugged. "Hiding isn't the worst thing to do when you don't know what to do. I hope in the future you'll say something, and we can put our shenanigans on hold until you're clear, or take them somewhere else, but..."

"I know what sex is."

"I... How? Why do you know that?"

She shrugged. "Papa didn't really hide things well. Or at all, when I was really little. We only had the one tent, and it wasn't that big."

"Did that bother you then?"

She tilted her head and thought about it. "No? I mean, it happened when I was really little. Like smaller than Daya."

"Did it bother you last night?" She gave that even more thought. While she did, I sent out a half panicked thought of, Saffron? Maze... Uh... Sex talk! Birds and Bees!

Only to have her pop up next to me on the mast of the Black Dragon and say, "I can watch here if you need me to."

"Wait, why am I the educator all of a sudden? You're the one with the Skills. Education and Sex both."

She just leaned against me, smile radiating from her voice as she said, "yes, but she came to you."

"Yeah, because she saw Siobhan and I getting it on in the Bath last night!"

Saffron just chuckled at that. "Well. These things happen, love. Still, she came to you."

"What if I fuck it up?"

She shook her head. "I trust you. If she wants to know things, she's old enough to hear answers. If she doesn't get them from one of us, she'll just go looking elsewhere."

I took a deep breath, let it out, and said, "hold me?"

She just laughed, slipped an arm around my waist, and took the binocs from me.

Back atop the West Tower, Maze finally said, "no. No, it didn't upset me. But maybe bothered?"

"Okay. Bothered how?"

She shrugged. "Part of it was knowing I shouldn't be watching. Part of it was... I was confused?"

"Okay, from now on if you think you shouldn't be seeing something, you...?"

She laughed. "Speak up, I know. But... I think I was confused. I... Neither of you is a boy."

I very carefully did not do my normal boob and crotch grab. Instead I just smiled and said, "nope. None of us in the close family are, in case you didn't notice."

She pondered that a moment. "Can..." I nodded encouragement. "Can I ask questions?"

I smiled, patted the ground in front of me, and felt super special when she not only sat down there facing me, but reached out and took my hand, like it made her feel more comfortable to talk like that. "Absolutely, kiddo." I held up one finger. "I won't tell you any private things about anyone else, but I'll tell you what I know, answer your questions as best I can, and," I steeled myself, "I'll answer any questions about me that you want to know about. Because this kind of thing is private, and you shouldn't share other people's private things, but it's not something to be ashamed about. Okay?"

She nodded. Opened her mouth. Paused for a moment. And then hit me with an endless deluge of questions, starting with. "how can two girls have sex?" I had to pause things when the sun started to go down, because dinner time was still dinner time, and bedtime was still bedtime, but when she asked, "can I ask you more questions tomorrow?" I nodded, and she smiled in a way that let me know that despite my fears of fucking up, I might have got it right. Then she doubled down on that by giving me a hug and saying, "thanks, Papa!"

My only ray of hope in all of that was the fact that despite having sixteen kids, seventeen if you count Vulcan, which I really ought to do more often, both of my sons are grown men. Okay, one is a grown man, not to mention Ace as fuck, and the other is a fuckin' crossbow, so I don't need to have the birds and bees talk with either of them. For which I was thankful, because 'papa' or not, giving a boy the birds and bees talk would just be weird.

Of course Marie chose that moment, when I'd congratulated myself on navigating The Talk, and resigned myself to fourteen more just like it, to capsize my little raft of self-delusion.

D.