Diary of a Teenaged Mimic

Dear Diary,

I guess it might be more than a little bit funny how I've managed to avoid diplomatic incidents mostly by reminding people that I am in fact in possession of the Ultimate Escalation, and that I would really like to keep things light and friendly. Yeah, I know I'm kind of a dumbass, and I am both way too flighty and way too blunt to do a good job of navigating super subtle shit or decidedly delicate negotiations. Then again, I think it goes a long way that my end goal in all this is making sure everybody who can prosper does so.

Given how I've realized that with real live Deities knocking around, taking up the top spots on any given social hierarchy, and how Deities are literally fed and fueled and powered by Worship, and I think I've shown at least a few here and now Deities that the love of prosperous people is even more potent than the fear of desperate ones, that might be a deal maker for a lot of the folks I'm tryna be diplomatic with. For example, I'm pretty sure Baba Yaga's favorite flavor by far of Worship is fear, but even she seemed willing to try things my way. Fuck, she might just be doing not unlike Conrad, and farming the fear of Deities specifically, rather than worrying about Mortals.

I guess that's okay, if only so it keeps the worst of the redeemable fuckers in line. Which, thinking about Conrad and some of the folks he's turned into semi-living works of art, makes me wonder about a path to Redemption for some of those fuckers too. Weird how I've wound up a Goddess of Redemption and Vengeance both, but I guess there are other Deities out there with some duality to them, too. At any rate, Lemmy's a good example of a dude who doesn't seem inherently awful, or intentionally awful, he's just wound up sliding into a spot where some of his less pleasant impulses could take the wheel and nobody slapped his hands.

Shit, I really hope I'm not gonna wind up some kind of mother figure for the prettiest boy face in Atlantis. That would just be weird. Then again, I've never had somebody do the 'mommy' kink thing with me, and I need to do that with somebody to collect all my kink badges if I'm gonna be the greatest slut that ever was. I guess Lemmy could work for that. Of course, that brings me back to my utter inability to do normal diplomatic things, what with him being some kind of Very Important Person in Boltophsberg at this point.

Much easier to deal with potential diplomatic disasters the way I did with Dionysus. Finagle them into claiming me as family, get drunk with them, maybe rescue some people, then see where that leads. Okay, D claimed me because I claimed Marie as family, which is a pretty shirt tail, distant cousin, barely related, step-something at best, so exchanging bodily fluids doesn't require me to move to Kentucky kind of family, whereas Thanatos is at most a cousin, and way closer to a sibling, and I do not have baby Dragons I could wind up...

Motherfucker, I swear, if my first daughter's aggressive pet adoption causes me to wind up banging siblings and burning down Phileo for no good fuckin' reason, I'mma be pissed.

At any rate, after letting my girls, most especially Isnomi, give Thanatos some good quality hugging time, not to mention Cerberus slobbering all over his face, I reached a hand down to him. "Here, lemme help you up."

He clasped my hand and pulled. I half suspected he expected me to flop forward into the pile of snow and kid and dog, but I'm denser than I look.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, laugh it up.

Anyway, once I got him back up on his feet I dusted him off. Had to use tentacles to reach the upper arch of his wings, because while they folded up surprisingly well, they still seemed like wings big enough to actually carry a person. I briefly wondered about whether he had the whole hollow bones thing going on, but when my stomach rumbled I very deliberately switched mental gears. "Hey, you had dinner yet?"

"I... Do not eat."

"Like, you can't, or don't like food, or wind up too busy to grab anything most of the time?"

I think he hadn't expected the question, and his face got a lot less frowny when he thought about it. "Mostly that last, I think."

"Ever had Marie's cooking?"

"No I have not."

I nodded. "It's settled then. You're having dinner with us tonight." I paused as he looked a little bit surprised, maybe a little recalcitrant. More to give him an out if I was pushing too hard than any other reason, I said, "unless Hades said you needed to get back to work right away?"

Yeah, definitely kin to me. The hint that somebody was telling him what to do utterly got his back up and he pushed the other way, even though I'd just been telling him what to do a couple seconds previous. Then again, I'd just given him the option of work or Marie's cooking. "I would love to have dinner with you and your family, sibling."

I pulled him in to a sideways hug. "Call me Tabitha. Or, y'know, Sis is fine too. I'm okay with Sis. Nicknames would work, too."

I looked at him, trying to think of one, but before I could, he sniffed and shook his head. "I think not, Sister Tabitha."

I smiled. "Good enough."

Oh, no. Siobhan's absolutely fake concern tickled my brain.

What?

Now he's going to take five Seasons and a seduction before he'll just call you Tabitha.

I couldn't help it, I laughed as I walked him to the door, trailed by kids. As I did, I Co-Located to Headmaster Miles' office and Drivers'.

In the office, I waited until he looked up, at which point I said, "could you let the Guards know that any kids who wound up trick-or-treating with my daughter are fine, having dinner at the Homestead, and will be back tomorrow morning?"

He sighed. "I'll send a runner to Vincent."

I shrugged. "Sorry, man. I didn't know who else to tell."

He smirked up at me. "Well, since I'm ultimately the one responsible for ensuring you learned things like that, I suppose this is my own failure coming back to bite me, isn't it?"

I laughed and asked, "speaking of learning, I've got some things going on right now, little bit out to sea, but I've found that I kind of enjoy teaching. Maybe next Season?"

He looked thoughtful, then said, "come see me before Yule?"

I nodded and collapsed back to the Homestead.

At Drivers', I just hopped to behind the counter, knocked on the sliding panel, then when Mister Driver opened it, announced to him and the room at large, "if Menace abducted anybody's kids during trick or treating, let the parents or whoever know we're feeding and bathing them tonight, and we'll have them back tomorrow."

The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

Back at home, I sent Ria and Maze to tell Marie that we'd have one more for dinner. Not like she wasn't already probably doing some kind of mass something anyhow.

Turns out I wasn't entirely correct. Most of the kids got their pick of sushi, salad, fried rice, or cheese steaks sliced into four inch long sections, but each of the adults in the room, which included Lachlan, Larry, and Bonnie, got a nice garlic butter grilled steak and some butter grilled shrimp, with sushi and salad on the side. I felt a little guilty about not helping with dinner until I saw Stheno and Euryale accompanying her as she delivered our food. I also made sure to snag her and make sure she got some too. I'm pretty sure she did the same for her sister Maenads, but for whatever awful reason I am slightly less concerned about the gustatory bliss of my friend's nursemaids as I am with that of my Wifiest of Wifes.

Especially when another of her tossed Cerberus what looked like two split cow femurs. That dog can cronch with the best of them.

After everybody finished eating, with the kids trooping upstairs, I gave each of my ladies quick kisses. "I've got to go meet with Hades tonight."

"Shall we wait up, love?"

I shrugged. "Nah. I have no idea if this will be a few minutes or drag on for, I dunno, fuckin' days. If I come back in the middle of something," I shrugged.

"Then you can join in or wait or watch, as suits your mood at the time." She hopped up for another kiss, then shepherded the rest toward the Bore.

"Ready to go?" I turned to Thanatos.

He reached out a hand, and I gripped the ruff of Cerberus' neck, then stepped the three of us to Hades' throne room. I guess I could have stepped us to the front door, but he had summoned me, and I could have just stepped to the kitchen, but that seemed a little too familiar. At any rate, Thanatos looked a little shook, while Cerb shrugged free of my grip and went borking off into the residence.

After what seemed like a few minutes, where I assured Thanatos that yes, this was Hades' throne room and yes, I'd just Translocated the three of us across the Atlantic without any prep or fuss, Hades showed up.

"Tabitha Diaz, per your request, my Lord."

Hades nodded, although for whatever reason it didn't seem like the kind of nod you'd give to a servant. Not even a high ranking one like a chief butler or anything. This was more of the kind of nod I'd give Saffron. Or really, like the kind of nod she'd give me. "Thank you, Thanatos."

"I should like to hear of Tartarus' fate, and lend my aid to any plans, Lord."

Hades looked maybe a little surprised, but not upset by that. "As you will." He turned to me. "Tabitha Diaz. Thank you for coming."

"No worries." I held out my hand to shake, then pulled him into a quick hug. "Persephone not joining us?"

I really tried not to bristle as he shook his head and said, "she's cleaning up."

Seriously. I mean, I don't clean the kitchen all the time. I'm not sure Saffron has done laundry even once since I met her. I shouldn't get my panties in a bunch because they've parsed their household labor along traditional gender lines. But I still had to keep myself from bristling.

Then I felt like a complete ass as the Lady herself came sashaying out of the residence in what looked like a house dress or robe or some shit like that, definitely glowing the faintest bit. No fuckin' way she got that glow from housework, either. "Sorry for the delay. Cerberus decided I needed to wear the remains of dinner."

Yeah, I decided right then I was gonna stop making assumptions, because Uma Thurman doesn't deserve that. "Okay, what did you guys want to ask me about?"

Hades took a deep breath, squared his shoulders, and asked, "what happened to Tartarus?"

"The place or the dude?"

Both men froze as if trying to sort out how to say what they wanted to say, but Persephone just snorted and said, "yes."

I nodded to her. "I killed him. He'd helped Poseidon do some really heinous shit. That destroyed his realm and everything inside it."

All three of them stared at me, open mouthed. Eventually Hades shook his head and said, "what of those trapped within?"

I shook my head. "Yeah, part of that heinous shit I mentioned? Raping anybody of larger than normal stature, followed by torturing everyone in the place to death." I paused in thought for a moment. "Y'know, I think they might have tortured all the vaguely Human sized people to death while they were waiting for the Titans and Jotnar to pop out the Hybrids they were breeding."

Thanatos looked ill. Hades looked like the only thing keeping from cursing was the need to keep his dinner down. Persephone looked at her husband and half growled, half hissed, "and you thought to bring him back into the fold?"

"I didn't... I didn't realize."

"Well. Now you do."

Meanwhile I looked at Thanatos. "Don't tell me you've never seen the end result of some bullshit like that before?"

He took a deep breath in through his nose, then shook his head, a single sharp jerk. "I usually find Souls on the other side. Few bear the worst reminders of their violation."

"Yeah, well. Looks like violating the living wasn't enough for Poseidon. He tortured Souls to death for fun."

Almost like he wasn't aware of what he was saying, Hades shook his head and muttered, "he was bored."

"The. Fuck?"

Hades closed his eyes for a ten count, then looked up at me, desolation in his eyes. "I should have known. He did things like that when he was bored. Zeus would find women and slake his lusts, demand Mortals provide a festival for him, or perhaps throw lightning at someone, but Poseidon... For Zeus his excesses are about his own pleasure and power. For Poseidon, it was always about someone else's pain."

"Not about power?" asked Persephone.

Hades nodded. "Yes. Power too, but for Zeus it was enough to know he could destroy someone on a whim. He only did it when someone defied him. Poseidon... He did it because he could. Because he enjoyed the destruction, the debasement, the defilement of those he held power over." He went silent after that, then whispered, "he even made others do so as well."

Persephone did not look happy when she said, "even you?"

"No!" He shook his head, then sagged. "Although I ought have stood up to him. Stopped him from dragging Athena and the rest of Zeus' children into his perverse entertainments."

I cleared my throat. When they looked at me, I shook my head. "Yeah, no. We saw what happened when you faced him in your own fuckin' throne room with Cerb backing you up." The Lord of the Underworld bristled, but before he could pop off, I shook my head again, and in a much softer tone, said, "it's not a bad thing. You're a good guy. You take care of the Souls of the dead, you watch over them, you do your best to take care of your wife. You're not a fighter. You're not a killer." I might have whispered the next too quietly for the royal couple to hear. "Not like me."

Not quiet enough for Thanatos to miss it. "Nor like me, Lord." When Hades shot him an arch look, Thanatos shrugged. "You could simply overpower me, true. I've sworn myself to your service, and I am but Lord of Psychopomps, while you are Lord of the Underworld. But it is as she says, Lord. You are not a fighter. Not a brute."

I snorted. "Thanks, bro." He looked at me. "Calling me a brute? Seriously, you've got the sibling teasing thing down already."

"No, Sister Tabitha, I only meant..."

I pulled him into a side hug. "I know what you meant, big guy." I turned to Hades. "He's right, though. If Poseidon came up against him, I think Thanatos here would at least leave his sword buried up the Earthshaker's ass. He sure as fuck would leave some marks."

"You think I did not?"

I shrugged. "Maybe you did. You're strong. Really strong. But here's the thing; he's stronger, and where you saw him as your brother? He absolutely saw you as an obstacle to whatever fucked up shit he wanted to do. Nothing more."

"So. What do we do?"

"Where is he?"

Hades shrugged. "I've been unable to ascertain his location. Of course, all that means is that he's nowhere in any Underworld"

"No, husband." We all turned to Persephone. "He is not under the sky, either, nor anywhere plants grow." She shrugged. "I asked mother while you were looking."

"I didn't realize you'd gone. I'm sorry, beloved."

She laughed and shook her head. "You are King of the Underworld, the least I can do is be your Queen." She turned to me. "Of course, that leaves only the seas."

"Deep ones." At her puzzled look, I explained. "Shallow seas have plants in them."

"But..."

II shook my head. "Nope. Deeper spots have algae, which aren't exactly plants. I don't think so anyway." Who knew I should have paid more attention in biology class. Sure as shit didn't realize I'd need that shit now. "Anyway, that gives me a little better idea where to look, anyway."

"We shall continue to search for him," Thanatos intoned, going into a Lancaster-worthy rod posture.

"Yeah, okay, but if you find him, do not engage. Come get me."

"But..." I'm not sure which of them said it, but I reached out and hugged them all to me. With tentacles, with arms, not hurting, not harming, but pulling even Hades to me and hugging them as tightly and as gently as I'd hug my own kits.

"No. There are a couple people I think might be able to take him in the open ocean. But you guys? I like you guys, but you guys are not on that list. And you guys are on the list of people I want to spend more time with when there's not so much awful shit going down. Okay?" When they made grumbly noises, I gave them a quick squeeze. "C'mon guys. I respect you, you're good people, but this is not the fight you should be picking."

I'm still kind of an idiot. I had to let them loose enough to breath before they could all agree to let me deal with the Earthshaker when we found him.