Delusive Fate

#038

I was certain. If he heard my story, Ki Baek-woo would understand everything. He was acting this way only because he didn’t know every detail of my feelings. After hearing me out, he wouldn’t leave me. After all, we were that kind of relationship. This wasn’t even a phase. It was an extremely trivial incident that posed no problem or threat. Ki Baek-woo and I were as solid as welded metal. I was the cocoon, and Ki Baek-woo was the small pupa inside me.

Yes, so speak up, you idiot Lee Han-sol!

“I, Baek-woo, you see, hyung is…”

Huff, gasp. My breathing became strangely rapid. I stammered like an idiot as I crawled hesitantly on the floor. I staggered towards Ki Baek-woo, who was sitting on the edge of the bed, knelt down, and grasped the hem of his pants.

Wait, Baek-woo. Hyung has something to say. Be patient even if it’s frustrating, I’ve been waiting for you all this time, so just wait for me this once. You can do that much, can’t you?

The words wouldn’t come out. My mouth just opened and closed like a tropical fish in a small plastic container.

I love Ki Baek-woo. Too much, excessively. To an extent that’s impossible to express in human vocabulary. I love you so much that even if you added up the time from the beginning of the universe until the collapse of all planets, my love for you would still remain. That’s how much I love you.

So, I had no idea how to describe this level of love. I spoke stupidly, as if my brain had shattered.

“I, I love you… Baek-woo, I love you so much… You know, I really love you…”

I hated myself for spewing out such worthless words. I was in despair. I wanted to rip out my heart and show it to him. If not that, I’d be fine with splitting my head in half right now and handing him my brain that was filled with nothing but Ki Baek-woo. I wanted to prove it.

“I love you… Don’t go… I love you, I… Baek-woo, I can’t be without you, I’ll be in serious trouble…! So don’t do this… Please don’t do this…”

Ki Baek-woo sighed deeply, as if completely exhausted.

“It’s all over, hyung,”

“What, what is, Baek-woo? Nothing’s over, what exactly is over?”

Ki Baek-woo stood up. I desperately hugged his calf. I clung to him desperately.

“Let go. Stop it, hyung.”

“Then, what’s going to happen to us?”

I asked, trembling violently. My molars clashed painfully in terror. I continued speaking breathlessly.

“Then, if you go to that person. Huh? What happens to us? Are we going back to how we were before?”

“Hyung…”

“Back to before, when you and I were like family, are we going back to that time?”

Is that it? Just, from now on you’ll only say ‘I love you’ to that Jung Yi-dam person, and we’ll stay the same? Together, we’ll stay together until the end, right? We won’t disappear, right? You won’t abandon hyung, right? Right, Baek-woo? Huh? That’s, that’s our promise…

I rambled on incoherently and desperately, like a drunk person. But the response was brief.

“Hyung, we’re different people.”

“…What?”

“You’re you, and I’m me. You shouldn’t depend on others like this.”

“……”

“You need to learn how to live without me.”

“Ah…”

“Don’t wait for me anymore from now on.”

Ki Baek-woo patted my shoulders a couple of times and then gently pushed me away. Like brushing off an annoying caterpillar that had clung to his body in summer.

‘This is for the best. I’ve been hesitating out of guilt, but it’s good that it ended like this. I did do something unpleasant because of the alcohol… But anyway, it’s finally over with Lee Han-sol. I can’t believe I feel this relieved.’

As if thinking something like that, Ki Baek-woo walked past me with light steps and left the room. Like the discarded caterpillar, I couldn’t do anything and just sat there. I heard the front door close. I looked around the room.

The room where, until this morning, I had been in ecstasy holding Ki Baek-woo, thinking everything had returned to normal. The room filled with long memories of Ki Baek-woo and me.

This place suddenly looked like a remote planet unknown to anyone.

What should I do now…

A suffocating loneliness began to soak me from the tips of my toes.

***

Kim Jin-oh

[Hey]

[Hey Lee Han-sol, why is your name suddenly missing from this team?]

[Hey, tell me, the raid the day after tomorrow was supposed to be me, you, Ham Yun-ah, Lee Ju-yeon, Jung Hee-seok, and Lim Hyung-jin, but you’re out and suddenly there’s a Song Si-yeon?]

[(Photo)]

[Use your eyes and look, why is the team composition like this?]

[You crazy bastard, did you sign up for a substitute raid again? Do you really want to die that badly?]

[Ham Yun-ah says the gate you went to today was S-rank, is that true? You barely crawled out of an A-rank gate with half your body split, and now you’re going for S-rank?????]

[You fucking idiot, stupid bastard, you shit-for-brains suicidal psycho, please stop this bullshit, are you really crazy? Is there a disease in your brain? If so, you should go to the hospital, damn it. Why are you messing with high-rank gates that are way beyond your level?]

[Hey, answer]

[Haha, you’re just hanging up?]

[You son of a bitch, I said answer]

[(Voice call)]

[(Canceled)]

[(Voice call)]

[(Canceled)]

[I told you to answer the phone while I’m still being nice, you idiot. Are you too scared to talk? You have the courage to commit suicide but not to answer the phone? Haha Lee Han-sol, your values are like a pancake flipping around. Your common sense is completely upside down haha. Stop messing around and answer the phone]

[You bastard, just wait. You think I’m doing this because I can’t go to A-district? Haha I’m leaving right now, so clean your neck and wait. If you’re throwing a fit trying to enter a gate way above your level again in the meantime, I’ll really kill you]

[Ham Yun-ah is coming too, yeah. You’re really dead]

My phone kept vibrating. I glanced at the screen and saw Kim Jin-oh’s name appearing repeatedly.

Why has he been so angry since last time? Isn’t this a bit excessive…

Thinking it was just pointless fuss, I put the momentarily quiet device into the front pocket of my plate carrier.

Lately, all the messages I received were like this. Not just from Kim Jin-oh, but also from Yun-ah, Su-hyeon noona, or Uncle Eul-bong and other acquaintances I often raided with, pouring out their haphazard concerns.

What’s wrong with you? Do you really want to die? Please stop. I’m so worried about you, Han-sol/Han-sol oppa/Lee Han-sol you bastard.

At first, I didn’t reply because I didn’t know how to respond. Then, I didn’t reply because I didn’t understand why they were worried about me. After that, I didn’t reply because it didn’t seem like real concern. As I watched these messages, disguised as worry but with unclear intentions, pile up neatly, I sometimes wondered.

Why are they doing this to me? What do they want from this? They can’t really be worried about me.

“Even Ki Baek-woo doesn’t worry about me…”

Even Ki Baek-woo, who had been attached to me like one body, abandoned me mercilessly. No matter how I begged in front of him, he wouldn’t even glance at me. Far from being worried, it’s a relief if he doesn’t ignore me like a stranger with an annoyed face. If even Ki Baek-woo is like that, these people who don’t even know me well can’t be genuinely worried about me. There must be some intention. What could it be?

Maybe they made a bet. That’s possible. Recently, most people look down on me. It might be that those who want to mock and trample me somehow are plotting something, manipulating acquaintances like Kim Jin-oh who know me. Actually, I heard something like that at the center not long ago.

‘Should I try to seduce that stalker bastard?’

‘Are you crazy? What if he clings to you like that too?’

‘Hey, think about it. What he’s doing is psychotic, but guys like that are the devoted type. Look at him now, he’s even risking his life to follow the Hunter Ki just to get a glance. He’s putting his neck on the line, so if you seduce him well and sweet-talk him, wouldn’t he give you everything, his liver and all? He’s not bad-looking either… To be honest, why do you think Hunter Ki kept someone like that around until now? He must have played along despite the rank difference because there was some benefit, right?’

‘You’re being ridiculous. No matter how crazy he’s gone, do you think he’d fall for you after being with Hunter Ki? The reason he’s gone crazy like this is probably because he knows he can’t be with someone of Ki Baek-woo’s rank again. You think you can get someone who doesn’t know his place and has his head in the clouds?’

‘You want to die? What’s wrong with me? I might not be S-rank, but I’m A-rank in my own right. How dare a C-rank even compare? Honestly, if I just go and say I’ll date him, it’s game over. He’ll cry like a palace maid, saying “Your grace is boundless, Your Highness,” and follow me around.’

‘Wow… Your confidence is amazing, Your Majesty. Alright then, go seduce him. If you sleep with him within a week, I’ll give you 100.’

‘Just 100? If I take him away, it’s practically bringing peace to A-district, shouldn’t you bet bigger? Bet ten times that amount to make it worth my while.’