Delusive Fate

#036

I fell asleep comfortably last night for the first time in a while. Perhaps because I had a cozy sleep after so long, I had a very strange dream.

Of course, Ki Baek-woo appeared in the dream. Whether in reality or dreams, it was impossible for Ki Baek-woo not to be by my side wherever it was. So Ki Baek-woo appearing in my dream wasn’t anything special.

In the dream, I was holding hands with Ki Baek-woo, heading towards the apartment where we used to live as neighbors in the past. An apartment that in reality had collapsed, split in half by the apocalypse. Seeing the apartment welcoming us in its intact form for once, I realized this was a dream. I looked back at Ki Baek-woo. He smiled brightly as if he knew nothing. I reached out my hand. We held hands and climbed the apartment stairs.

It felt strange to walk down the apartment corridor as grown-ups rather than as children. Ki Baek-woo must have felt the same, as we often looked at each other and giggled. We were possessed by a good feeling.

“Baek-woo, do you think mom will be at home?”

“Of course.”

“Then should we tell our parents?”

“What? No way!”

“Why? I’m not ashamed of us dating at all.”

“We didn’t buy anything! How can we go empty-handed to greet your parents? We should at least buy some fruit and Korean beef from the department store…”

“Ah, right. I’m empty-handed too. If it weren’t for you, I would have been in big trouble. I almost got labeled as an inconsiderate guy by my mother-in-law and father-in-law.”

“Why are my mom and dad your mother-in-law and father-in-law?”

“You’re my wife, aren’t you?”

“Stop before you start nagging. Logically, you should call me ‘husband.'”

“Why on earth? On what grounds?”

“Because I put it in.”

“What?”

“You get penetrated by me and come multiple times. Like you’re going to have a baby.”

“Well… Hey, I let you put it in because I didn’t want to hurt you in the first place. As your hyung, I willingly endured the pain, and now you’re being so cheeky…”

“Right, it’s pain. When pleasure is excessive, it feels similar to pain.”

“I’m seriously dumbfounded. Keep acting cocky, you little thing.”

“How can you call me little when you fit right into my pocket?”

“Hey, how can I fit in your pocket? Is your pocket Santa’s bag?”

“Our Lee Han-sol is only as big as a hamster. I really want to carry you in my pocket every day, but I’m holding back because you say it’s stuffy and might get upset. Because when you’re upset, you don’t let me kiss you.”

“When did I ever get upset? I’m not a petty person who gets upset easily.”

“Hyung, are you upset now? Because I said you’re only as big as a hamster?”

“What? Where am I upset?”

“I’m glad you’re not upset. Hyung, give Baek-woo a kiss.”

“Won’t you move that mischievous mouth away?”

“See, you are upset. You’re upset because I said you’re only as big as a hamster.”

“I’m not upset! I’m going to tell our mom everything later. I’ll tell her that Ki Baek-woo keeps slandering and bullying me. Do you know how scary our mom is when she’s angry? Get ready to be hit 100 times with a fly swatter.”

“No…! I want to be a daughter-in-law loved by my mother-in-law…!”

The conversation was funny. It was an intricate patchwork of conversations that Ki Baek-woo and I had actually had at some point and conversations we had never had. Either way, it was a pleasant and affectionate time. We kept talking endlessly as we crossed and re-crossed the apartment corridor.

Strangely, the end of the corridor wasn’t visible. Neither Ki Baek-woo’s home nor mine appeared. It was strange. We thought something was wrong. But we weren’t scared or anxious. Because we had our two hands tightly interlocked. Our joined hands were our lifeline. Just as they had been since we were young.

Ki Baek-woo and I walked endlessly like that in the dream. Then, when the outside that had been daytime gradually darkened, and orange sunset light began to fill the corridor we were walking through.

“Baek-woo, what’s that?”

“What?”

“Can’t you see that? Something black is rippling over there in the corridor.”

“Where? I can’t see anything.”

“No… There’s something like a gate there… Yeah, it looks like a gate.”

I gradually sensed something strange and stopped walking. But Ki Baek-woo kept moving forward. Our joined hands began to separate precariously. I pulled Ki Baek-woo towards me and shook my head.

“Baek-woo, don’t go.”

“Why?”

“That place is strange. Let’s stay here. Let’s go home.”

“It’s not strange at all. You’re the only one who thinks it’s strange.”

“No, why can’t you see that? I’m telling you, something’s really wrong over there.”

“Nothing’s wrong. You’re the only one who thinks something’s wrong.”

“Baek-woo, let’s stay here. Let’s go home. I’m not going that way.”

“Okay. Do that. I’m going over there.”

“Huh?”

“Go home alone.”

“What?”

“I said go alone. Are you deaf? Stop being annoying and get lost, you idiot.”

Suddenly, Ki Baek-woo, with a cold face, spat out a curse and shook off my hand. He walked steadily forward, leaving me behind. Towards that place where dark energy was rippling. Abandoning me.

I belatedly scrambled to move my feet. Baek-woo, Baek-woo wait, Baek-woo! I chased after him, shouting. Ki Baek-woo, with surprising coldness, didn’t look back even once. And so Ki Baek-woo stepped into the black darkness.

“No…! Baek-woo, no, come back…!”

I reached out alone towards Ki Baek-woo, who had disappeared without being caught. There was no response. Only the strange and pitch-black darkness that had swallowed Ki Baek-woo gradually swelled… and then horribly exploded. There was a loud noise.

Thud!

“Uh…”

I thought blankly as I lay fallen beyond the bed. Is this still a dream? I thought I had woken up… Haven’t I? Why do I hear another thud sound?

“Uhh…”

Stammering stupidly, I struggled to raise my body that had been thrown to the floor.

My left cheek felt burning hot. Why? I hesitantly touched my cheek. An inexplicable stinging sensation followed. Come to think of it, I couldn’t seem to hear properly. The sounds entering my left ear resonated dully as if underwater. A ringing sound echoed only in my left ear. Why? What’s happening?

“My eye…”

I can’t see well, Baek-woo… Black insects were swarming in front of my left eye. Black insects formed clusters and moved around in my flickering white field of vision. Why is this suddenly happening? Why…

What was I doing just now?

Ah, right. I woke up before Baek-woo. Taking the opportunity to admire Baek-woo sleeping like an angel… His morning wood was standing while he slept… Yes, it was morning after all, so that could happen… And we used to do that often. When one of us woke up first, we would sometimes pleasure the other with our mouth…

That’s right, we did. So until just a moment ago, I was carefully licking Ki Baek-woo’s thing with my mouth. I just wanted to do something nice for him. Because we had finally overcome a difficult time and returned to our daily life… I wanted to treat him well… Because I like Ki Baek-woo.

But why…

I cupped my left cheek and looked up at Ki Baek-woo, who was frozen on the bed. Ki Baek-woo’s complexion was as pale as a corpse. His expression was one of shock and dismay, as if he had seen an impossible sight. His eyes were looking at me warily… as if witnessing something incomprehensible. As if it was strange that I was here.

“Why…”

Why? I wanted to ask that.

Why did you do that just now? Why did you… But I couldn’t because what flowed from my nose seeped between my parted teeth. The scent entering my mouth was hot and rank. It tasted like metal. When I wiped under my nose with the hand that had been holding my cheek, red was spread abundantly on the back of my hand.

It was blood. My left cheek throbbed as if it was on fire.

The blood didn’t stop dripping. Not understanding, I just stared blankly at Ki Baek-woo. Ki Baek-woo, like me, stammered as he retreated hesitantly.

“No, hyung, no.”

“……”

“I didn’t mean to hit you. Someone was doing that to me first thing in the morning, but I didn’t think it would be you…”

“……”

“I was so surprised that my hand moved without me realizing. I didn’t hit you intentionally.”

We used to do this for each other the morning after having sex. What surprised you? How did you not know it was me touching your genitals? I had questions. I wanted to ask. Then if not me… who did you think it was? Who did you hope it would be?

You came back to me… You said I was pretty… You said I kept appearing in your dreams…

Didn’t we make up like that yesterday?

I slowly lowered my head. I saw the familiar floor. I wiped my nose again. It seemed to have burst badly, as the nosebleed wouldn’t stop. My ear was still muffled. One second, two seconds, three seconds…. As time slowly stretched, my jumbled thoughts gradually connected.

Yes, it would be strange if my body was fine. Maybe it’s fortunate that it’s only this much.

I slowly raised my head again. I looked once more at Ki Baek-woo, who was trembling in bewilderment on the bed. I saw Ki Baek-woo’s large hands wandering in the air. Ki Baek-woo’s two hands that had held me and made me happy yesterday… Those hands that we had always grasped like a lifeline whenever things were precarious.

I couldn’t have imagined it. Lately, it seemed that things I couldn’t imagine were happening too often. But why do these unimaginable things always happen from Ki Baek-woo?

“Uh… hyung, are you okay?”

Ki Baek-woo hitting me. Ki Baek-woo’s hands, the hands that were my lifeline… hit my cheek.

“But why am I like this with you?”