Dave vs The Devil (Original) - [Urban Fantasy/Comedy]

Margaret and I decided to start Eli at demon school, because there were a lot less logistics to it. Everyone knew everyone else was a demon. And while the idea of someone being part human was nearly unheard of, it wasn't quite as shocking of a revelation as being part demon in the human world.

Demons knew about humans. They were brought up learning about and studying humans. And every demon parent has brought their kid to the human zoo, also known as the circles of Hell. There were barriers and guards that prevented escape.

Not that there weren't escapes. Last year had proven that. But they had inside help and a lot less security due to spontaneous guard deaths. Nothing like that would happen under normal circumstances.

If it were up to, I'd just as easily stick Eli in demon school, and never bring him to Earth until he was of age and had all his mental faculties together, but Margaret—as I previously stated—insisted that he get a well-rounded education and upbringing.

While I didn't disagree with the need for him to well rounded, human school and demon school had very different dangers. Eli would be especially vulnerable in a human school, especially with him being part demon. If an overly religious person found out, he could be killed.

Whereas in demon school, if someone found out he was half human, at worst he would be made fun of and alienated from his peers and, at best, they would beat him up and get over it. Demons had a very different approach to social norms and violence.

Violence was allowed as long as it didn't lead to permanent or irreparable injury or death. And since demons were really hardy, and they had excellent medical technology down here, you could go pretty far in a beat down before you went over the edge.

Fists and kicks were allowed to contact any point on the body, but claws weren't allowed anywhere near the face. It was too easy to blind someone for life that way, and while they did have working cybernetic eye replacements, that was still considered taboo and reprehensible punishment.

Also, while demons generally healed far better than humans, significantly reducing the chances of scar formation, scars were considered a point of pride. It meant you really endured something brutal and survived.

Chicks, and dudes for that matter, digged scars in Hell. Scars were cool, hot, neat, awesome, and all the above. Men with scars? Hot. Women with scars? Sexy. Eldritch horrors with scars? Confusing. Who left an eldritch portal open in here?

I know it creates a nice draft, especially on a hot Hell day—which was every day—but there was safety to consider. Besides, it was against regulations to open eldritch portals in populated areas.

I had to take the van because the "Dave Yay or Nay" reality show crew wanted to film the ride to school. I just wanted to teleport him to school, but they insisted it had to be long and dramatic, and Eli said he wanted to ride in the car like a big boy.

I did it for my son, not for the reality show, but they didn't care because they still got what they wanted. They stuck small cameras onto the dashboard with shotgun mics aimed at our faces. Margaret had to sit in the back because the crew wanted to sit behind the driver and passenger seats to fiddle with their equipment during the ride.

It wasn't a particularly interesting ride. I kissed Margaret before getting in the car, Eli yelled, "Yuck!", and I lifted him into the passenger seat because he couldn't get into it by himself.

"Dad! I can fly into the seat!" he whined.

"Sure you can, buddy," I said.

I placed him in the seat and put the seat belt harness over him.

Before you scream child safety and car seats, hell's automobile safety technology had a child setting that was safer than a car seat built into all cars in every seat besides the driver's seat, because why would a child be driving the car? That said, they did have a setting for imps who were the smallest of demons.

Every seat had a single lap and shoulder seat belt option like human cars, but they also had car crash harnesses designed to be extra safe, especially for children. They adjusted and form fitted to height, weight, and size.

I'm sure you're getting tired of Hell having an answer for everything, but they just did. Everything was better in Hell, except for all the screaming and torture of human souls, but the circles were far enough away from populated areas that no one heard it unless they were visiting.

As we drove to Eli's school, I worried about how all this media exposure was going to affect him growing up. From everything I'd learned on Earth, fame did terrible things to children, but Margaret didn't seem worried.

She explained that things were different down here and besides; we didn't have a choice. Even with all of her mollifying, I still didn't like it. That said, I didn't notice anything strange about Eli's behavior. He didn't seem to care about the cameras, lights, and mics.

He just saw it as another social opportunity, and by that, I mean an opportunity to yap at strangers. It took them a few days to teach him not to talk to the crew and pretend like they weren't there, but he loved the interview segments. He rarely answered questions directly, but the audience seemed to eat it up. He got way more 'yays' than me or even Margaret.

I didn't let him see his popularity score, because I couldn't imagine a world where that wouldn't mess up a kid for life, but he had a 101% approval rating. I wasn't even sure how that was possible.

The producer, Harry Stabberstein, tried to explain it to me once and my brain melted from the nonsense he was spewing into my ears. Something about viewers getting extra credit points for trivia or something. I didn't get it.

The author's narrative has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.

"So, are you ready for your first day at school?" I asked.

The producer made me promise to talk during the car ride so he could get good footage. We actually left super early for school and he made me drive around the block a few times until we'd finished our conversation.

He didn't tell me what to say, though, which would have been going too far for me. He seemed to know just how far he could push me before I melted his face with hell fire.

"Yeah, Daddy. It'll be fun!" he said.

"You know how I don't like it when you call me that," I said.

"Yes, Dad," Eli said. "But why do I have to call you Dad but I can call Mom, Mommy?"

"You'll understand when you're older. Which won't be that long from now, so you won't have to wait very long!" I said.

If you don't remember why I don't like that nickname, then I envy you and your innocent mind.

"Yes, father," he said, crossing him arms and pouting.

"You don't have to go that formal," I said.

"Why do you get to decide what I call you? I hate it!" he said.

"Eli, calm down," I said. "You know what happens when you get excited. How about this? You can call me Daddy all you want, but I won't tell you why it bothers me until you're older. Deal?"

"Yay!" he said. "Deal! I win, Daddy! Did you see that? Did you see me win, Daddy?"

"It was kind of hard not to," I said. "Well, what did I tell you about the first day of demon school?"

Eli sighed heavily, like an old man. "Don't pick fights, but win them when they pick you."

"Excellent!" I said. "I know you think your old man is crazy, but trust me, it works."

[Eli - Interview Segment]

"My dad thinks violence is the answer, but I think hugs work better! Especially when you hug hard enough. People go to sleep because they like it so much!"

After going around the block a few times and getting weird looks from people on the street, I pulled into the school parking lot. There were teachers standing outside waving at kids.

Margaret and I got out of the car, and I got Eli out of his seat. I pointed at the school teacher who was holding a white sign that said, "Eli."

"That's your first tutor! Try to be nice to them," I said.

"Ok, Daddy!" he said. Margaret hugged him and then he stood in front of me expectantly. When I didn't respond, he started to get an angry look on his face. "Hug!"

"Ok, fine," I said. I picked him up and hugged him hard. He hugged me back harder. I put him down. "You know most kids your age would hate to be hugged by their parents in front of school."

"I'm not most kids. I'm me," Eli said.

He started running away on his little child legs with his backpack that was too big for his body. Good thing he had my super strength, or that thing would have bowled him over by now. He waved backwards.

"Bye Mommy! Bye Daddy!" he said.

"Bye, Eli!" Margaret yelled.

"Bye, son!" I said.

Margaret elbowed me. "Why do you call him son? Just use his name."

"Ow!" I said. She frowned at me. "Yeah, I know it didn't hurt. I don't know why I always say ow when you do that."

"It's because you're lame!" she said.

"That's dumb Margaret! You're being dumb!" I said.

"You're dumb, Dave, you big stupid dummy!" she said.

Then she kissed me and all bets were off. I opened the van door and roughly pushed all the show crew out, pulled Margaret in, and closed the door.

"We really shouldn't do this outside a school," I said.

"Oh, lighten up," she said. "They only punish people for that on Earth. As long as it's consenting adults, it doesn't matter where you do it."

We got down to business and came up for air a while later. I don't know how long. I lost my watch. I let the crew back inside and we drove away.

[Margaret - Interview Segment]

"Umm. No comment?"

[Dave - Interview Segment]

"This will get bleeped out if I say anything I'm not supposed to, right? Good. We ******. There, I said it. We're a married couple. I know married couples aren't supposed to ****, but we do. I don't think there's anything wrong with it."

"What's wrong is what I do with my ****. You put it ****** and then you **** and ***** it until ***** is nice and *****. And then you just go at it for a while. If you want to spice things up, you can do what I call the ******** ****."

"You take your **** and ***** it into a **** and then you do as normal. It creates a sort of **** that sends *********** ********** through her ***** and makes her ************ like *****. The super strength usually works wonders without all that extra stuff, though. Well, I think that's enough teaching for today. I'm gonna go take a nap."

I spent most of the day sleeping. Margaret spent most of the day cleaning. Cleaning what, I don't know. The house was spotless, as usual, but she was scrubbing the floors, nonetheless. Maybe it calmed her down or something. I don't know what had her stressed, other than the fact that it was our son's first day of school.

Regardless, she cleaned, and I relaxed. Says something about both of us, but what it says, I'm not sure. Maybe that I'm lazy and she works too hard? Either way, camera crews filmed us sleeping and cleaning until it was time to go pick Eli up from school.

We pulled up to a strange scene. Eli had some sort of award or medal pinned to his shirt and a small group of kids were hanging around him and chatting animatedly at him or with him. A teacher was standing nearby.

When Margaret and I walked up to them with a camera crew following us, Eli jumped and or flew into our arms.

"Mommy! Daddy!" He said.

We hugged him and put him down.

"So what's all this?" I asked Eli.

The teacher stepped up to answer. "Your son resolved a fight in an honorable way, so the principal gave him a medal of honor."

"A medal of honor?" I asked.

If I was a cartoon character, my eyebrows would have raised so high they would no longer be attached to my face.

"Did he dive on a grenade?"

"Well, a medal of honorific achievement." she said. "No grenade diving today I'm afraid. Maybe tomorrow."

"Oh. That makes more sense," I said. "I don't know what that is, but it sounds less extreme."

"It is," she said. "Still, it is an important award."

"What did he do to earn it?" I asked.

"He stopped a fight. By hugging," she said.

"I believe it," I said. "He once hugged Margaret so hard, she had to rest for an hour. He was extra happy that day."

"What?" the teacher said.

"Oh, that's wonderful!" Margaret said.

She pushed me out of the way and picked up Eli. I must have said something I shouldn't have. She only did that when I said something that might get me or us in trouble.

"I'm so proud of you!"

"Thank you, Mommy!" He hugged her, with an appropriate amount of strength this time.

She gave me a look that wasn't hateful or angry, necessarily. It just said, "Shush!" And I was ok with that. Sometimes I ran my mouth too much. I had a bad habit of telling jokes regardless of whether they were appropriate or not, and that had gotten us into trouble a few times.

As we walked away, the group of kids all waved and yelled, "Bye Eli!"

"Bye friends!" Eli yelled back.

A few of those kids were holding their ribs. Those must have been the bullies who tried to fight him. Despite their injuries, they seemed to be happy with Eli. Maybe they just realized that further antagonism was a lost cause and decided friendship was the safer option.

Either way, I had my son, and we were going home.

[Eli - Interview Segment]

I hugged a lot of people who really wanted to touch me with their fists. I don't know. I guess they wanted hugs? We all took naps on the ground afterwards.

This girl Suzy really wanted hugs. A lot. She even gave me kisses like Mommy does. The teachers made her stop.

Either way, I had my Mommy and Daddy and we were going home.