NOVEL NEXT Chapter 1: The Bet
Hi, I'm the Devil! That's my title, not my name. My name is Dave. Dave Daverson. I know it sounds stupidly redundant, but I can't change who I am. Well, technically, I can, and I did. I'm the Devil now!
It's not quite what it's cracked up to be. Sure, I'm in charge of millions of demons, but I do have to follow rules. One of those rules being that there is always paperwork. Paperwork for decisions, paperwork for results, and paperwork for why I spent an hour in the bathroom last Friday.
Give me a break! All the food down here is spicy! Even the pudding! Do you have any idea how hard spicy pudding is on a human digestive system? You don't want to.
How did I become the Devil? I made a bet with Lucifer, the original Devil. The OG. And I won. That's the short version.
For the long version, we'll have to go all the way back to yesterday evening, which might as well have been ten years ago; it feels so long. Well, technically, it was ten years ago in my lifespan, but we'll get to that later.
It was Halloween night, so I did what every single man in his early to mid thirties does when he lives alone in an apartment. I streamed crappy horror movies and drank. But don't worry, I ate food too. Popcorn is a vegetable, right?
It was my third movie and my second six-pack. I was watching this extremely low budget film called "The Devil's Hand." It was about a guy who made a bet with the devil. The movie throws a few twists and turns at you until the hero, Chad Chaderson, beats the devil. Psyche! Apparently, it was all a fake out by the devil to give him a false sense of victory, before crushing his dreams and his body into dust.
"Bah! That's so dumb! I could do that!" I said casually, as one does. I got a call from an unknown number on my phone. Normally I don't answer my phone, but I got the call after I said a dumb horror movie line, so some part of me wondered if it was the devil calling me out on what I said.
I picked up the phone. Before the person on the other line could say anything, I said, "Is this the devil?"
The person on the other end didn't say anything for a while, but eventually responded. "You sucked all the fun out of it! I was going to say, 'Oh yeah? Prove it,' but you already guessed it was me, you jackass. Yes, this is the devil! Now, do you want to make that bet or not?"
"Uh, sure I guess. What should it be about, though?" I wondered.
"I have an idea!" The devil offered.
"No, you shut up. You're the devil. If you choose the bet I'll lose automatically. Give me a second to think," I said.
"Wow. No one's ever told me to shut up before. It feels…bad."
"Sorry, I just really don't want to lose this bet," I told him.
"I get it, but geez. Ouch," he said.
"Oh, I got it!" I exclaimed. "What about a 'you can't kill me' bet?"
"That sounds fun, but too easy. I could snap my fingers right now and kill you. Make it harder," he said.
I thought long and hard. How could I make a bet where I outsmart the devil? There was only one way to win. With a trick. I thought for a while longer, and then I had it.
"Hey, guy. You still there?" The devil asked.
"Okay. What if the bet was 'you can't kill me at 7 pm tomorrow night?' 7 pm in my time zone. You can't say it's 7 pm in China and kill me then. Wouldn't count," I said.
"Hmm. Interesting. It sounds like you have some sort of trick up your sleeve. I like it. I guarantee you there's nothing you can do to beat me, but you're welcome to try," he answered.
"Before we start, I have some questions and a request," I said.
"I'm not guaranteeing I'll answer or grant your request, but if I do, I'll tell you and I'll be honest. There's nothing I hate more than lying. Tricking people with honesty I'm all for, but pure lying defeats the purpose of the game. It's cheating. Plain and simple. And I do not abide by cheating," he said. "If you lie to me, you will immediately forfeit the integrity of the bet, and receive no reward."
"That's good to know. Okay, first off. Do you have the ability to read minds?" I responded.
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"Yes."
"Will you agree not to read my mind for the entire duration of the bet, including the time that I used to come up with the idea for the bet?" I said.
"I can't turn back time and unread your mind if I did, but I assure you I haven't read your mind and I will not for the entirety of the bet. I consider mind-reading cheating as well. You're not outsmarting someone if you just peek into their mind to find out what they're thinking. My father did that shit to me all the time and I hated it," he said.
"Wow, that sucks, and fair enough. Can you bring people back to life? For instance, if I were to die before 7 pm, could you bring me back, just to kill me again so you could win?" I asked.
"No, I can't do that. Only my father can do that," he said.
"Okay, cool. Also, I'd like to determine my prize for winning," I said. "I assume your prize for winning is my soul."
"Naturally," he said. "Now tell me, what do you want?"
"I want three wishes," I said.
"I can't do three. I can do one though," he answered.
"I want one wish, but if you don't fulfill it exactly as I intended it, I get another wish. And you don't get to read my mind to find out what I meant," I said. "You have to interpret what I meant. I will never lie about what I want though."
"Hmm. Very tricky. I love it! Done and done. Now all you have to do is make the bet," he said.
"Okay, I bet you can't kill me at exactly 7 pm tomorrow night in the time zone I'm in at the time," I said.
"Awesome! See you soon!" He hung up.
"See you soon?" I froze as the devil appeared in front of me. Or at least I assumed he was the devil, because he was the last person I talked to and he said he'd see me soon. He looked like a normal human man. An impeccably well-dressed human man, but a human man nonetheless. He was a tall, handsome, fair-skinned man with wavy black hair, wearing a black suit, white shirt, and a black bow tie with golden dollar signs on it. I didn't love the bow tie, but who was I to judge the man's taste in ties? Tie choice is a very personal thing.
"Hey, friend!" He said, putting his hand out to shake. "I go by my official title 'The Devil' down below, but you can call me Lucifer or Lucy, just know that I prefer Lucifer."
I shook his hand hesitantly. "Surprisingly, I can say it's nice to meet you, Lucifer. This is by far the most interesting social encounter I've ever had. I'd say it was worth making the bet, just for this. My name is Dave."
"It's nice to meet you, Dave," he said with a wide grin. "So what's on the agenda for tonight?"
"Honestly? I was just going to watch another movie, and then try to get a good night's rest," I said.
Suddenly, an alarm went off on my phone. I turned it off and immediately walked to the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet.
"What was that?" Lucifer asked.
"My alarm to take my heart medication. I have to take it at 7 pm every night. Otherwise, I could get a blood clot and die. I have a congenital heart defect," I said.
"Oh, I'm sorry, man. Why don't you just stop taking it, though? If you died, then you'd win the bet," he said.
"I already thought of that," I said. "I figure you could probably make the blood clot go away as soon as I start showing signs. That and I hear it's an incredibly unpleasant way to go."
"You're right. I could disappear the blood clot," he said.
"Couldn't you just heal my heart defect?" I said.
"I could, but it would take a lot of juice and I'm not a charity worker," he responded.
"Fair, I guess," I said. I took my medicine and then walked into the kitchen. "I need to start getting dinner ready. Just watch TV while you wait."
"Fine by me," he said. He grabbed the remote and turned on another horror movie. It was called "Deal With the Devil." Super original, right? This one was also about a deal with the devil rather than a bet.
I got stuff out of the fridge and pulled out a cutting board and a big knife. I put my hand down on the cutting board and slit my wrist. I tried to stifle a scream from the pain. It came out as a whimper. Blood spurted everywhere.
The idea here was if I killed myself before 7 pm the next day, then Lucifer couldn't kill me at that time, allowing me to win the bet. Sure it would cost me my life, but I hadn't thought that far ahead at the time of the bet. Dying before he could kill me was the only way I could think to win, and losing meant giving up my soul.
"What was that?" Lucifer asked, without looking around. "You sound like you just stubbed your toe."
"No! Nothing like that. Just slitting my wrist," I said. I would have lied in this situation, but Lucifer had specifically stated I couldn't lie or the bet was forfeit.
"Oh, is that all?" Lucifer said. "Wait, what? Dave, what are you thinking?" He got up off the couch and began to run over.
My sight started to get blurry and dark. I could feel myself passing out. Eventually, my legs gave out from under me and I fell to the floor. The last thing I saw before everything went black was Lucifer rushing over to me, saying, "Dave! Dave, are you alright? Well, obviously not. You're bleeding out!" Then lights out.
You may be asking yourself why I took the bet in the first place. Why did I put a timer on the rest of my life and sentence my soul to eternal damnation? The answer is simple. I had nothing to live for. And I knew I wasn't going to Heaven the normal way.
So I figured if I won this bet, I could find a way to get myself into Heaven another way. It may or may not have been as easy as wishing myself into Heaven, but if it wasn't, I would figure it out.
As long as I stayed sober, I could figure out anything. That was the rub, though. I had a hard time doing that.
Either way, I was at the end of my rope. I lost my job that last Friday, because of course they fired me on a Friday. They must have read that article saying that there was less chance of an incident if you fired someone on a Friday.
Before that, I lost my girlfriend Sarah of seven years. Seven years! I thought we were forever, but one argument about how we were going to pay our bills and she was done with me.
I doubt it was just that one argument, though. I had been doing a lot of drinking lately, due to losing my poker career, which I lost coincidentally, to drinking. I'm sure that didn't help much.
So, yes, I was throwing my life away, figuratively and literally, but I wanted out. I didn't want to live this shitty life anymore, and I just wanted to retire to the endless poker game in the sky.