Darla, Darling, Dearest

Narragansett’s Sexual Inversion Disease was first discovered in the Narragansett region of Rhode Island in 1976. Due to it’s potentially society disrupting effects, a quarantine was attempted, however it was quickly carried out the region by deer. The logistical nightmare of attempting to quarantine deer eventually led to the local authorities just letting it happen, and hopeing none of their sons become their daughters.

It has been confirmed by the [Redacted] that Narragansett’s and Lyme, which emerged nearby, were both part of the same event: [Redacted].

[Redacted Paragraph]

The incompetence of the American government means that Narragansett disease will eventually spread along deer tick and lone-star tick ranges until infection is a common occurrence. Perhaps, this will weaken the US to the point of collapse, perhaps not, but it is entertaining to watch.

--An

NSA intercepted and translated cable from the Soviet Embassy to Moscow on the Narragansett Crisis (1980) declassified by FOIA in 2015 by Narragansett Truth Now!

Danny awoke to sound of conversation in the next room over. The bed, however, was soft and cozy. He felt the warm, with the pink plush tendrils of sleep dragging him back under. Unfortunately it was not to last. Some asshole just had to exclaim “He’s waking up!” And so Danny was forced into the awkward position of either pretending to be asleep or forcing his eyes open and getting out of bed, and because he was such a good person, he couldn’t do the former without feeling like a jerk.

` Danny followed his morning ritual, the way he got out of bed on even the days when his depression peaked. He rolled all the way off his bed to fall off. The pain woke him up and gave his meat sack a reason to pick itself up again. To his utter shock and bewilderment someone shouted “SHIT!” He found himself being caught mid flop and slowly scooted back onto the bed.

This was a new development! Danny realized with the molasses thought of one just waking up, that having someone in his room while he slept was… unusual, and that he should probably just open his eyes. As they creaked open, gritty with goobers, the day came flooding back to him, and he quickly realized this was not his bed. This seemingly provided him the jolt he needed.

Fully awake he made a once over the space. He was in a green room with large pink magnolia flowers painted on all the walls. He was laid on on a futon off to the side of the room. The far wall was covered with a floor to ceiling dark wood cabinet full of little, glass eyedropper bottles of fluid, and mason jars of ground up plants. A tan man with round lenses, a military surplus jacket, and an affable smile was blocking his way to the door and his view of the person standing there. “You’re up!” He declared Triumphantly.

“Who are you!” Danny managed not to scream. “And where the Fuck am I??” He began to hyperventilate slightly. He realized that his voice sounded off in his throat. He still held out hope that that was just the fever, but an air of impending doom began to creep on him like a cougar stalking a its prey.

“My name..” He stared in a soothing tone seemingly well practiced in the basics of proper bedside manor. “...is Paul. And you’re Danny, unless you want me to call you something else?” He paused in askance before Danny shook his head. “Ok! I used to run a small herbal clinic in Emporia, but when I heard some of the students were trying to start an intentional community I just had to come with.” He spread his arms wide “And here we are!” He chuckled softly like a cult leader laughing at his own joke.

Danny didn’t know what to think. He was still a little creeped by not knowing how he got to what appeared to be, when he thought about it, Triangle Ecovillage, and the Keith Renearie vibes this herbal doc was putting out. The last thing he remembered was passing out at Kenton General. Shit! He realized no one was at the counter right now! Mr Threshman would be pissed! “What time is it!” he blurted with a mix of fear and indignation. He tried in vain to hurriedly get up, but he could barely raise his torso an inch before collapsing into the bed again.

“Hey. Settle down there tiger!” Paul dropped to one knee in order to fold the pillows propping Danny up like a stuffed animal. “You shouldn’t get up! You’ve lost too much body mass in one day to be anywhere near going, well, anywhere really.”

Danny slumped. He knew exactly what that meant. “I...” for a moment Danny forgot about the shop, how something seemed off about Paul, or why he had been dragged here without his consent. All he could focus on was the sound of his voice. “I.. have it don’t I?” He burst in to tears. It seemed easier to cry now, he wondered if that was also a symptom.

The Herbalist winced. “I… I thought you knew?” he sat down on the floor fully and handed his Patient a box of tissues, which Danny gratefully accepted with sore, weighted arms.

Deep down he had known. He knew the moment he touched the target shaped rash on his back, but pretending came so easy to him that he had lived the lie of uncertainty the few hours after that he was conscious.

“Joan came in acting like it was a done deal, you know?” Paul started rubbing Danny’s shoulder rhythmically to calm him down. “She also implied it might have been intentional?” He scoffed. “it was hard to tell.”

Danny felt stupid. Of course Joan had brought him here, she didn’t trust Old McMasters, the rural doctor of the town. He was too busy figuring that out so he stupidly let his mouth choke out whatever it needed to, which apparently was “I…. was… I was in denial about it. I thought… thought it could be Lyme.” He shook his head “Not intentional. Not allowed. Not in a million years”

Paul looked at his patient sideways. “You said your not allowed, but Joan seemed to know you pretty well.” He stroked his chin, as if he was trying to remember something. “If you could be a girl consequence free, would you.. Do.. It?” He overemphasized the question like it was something he didn’t really want to, or know how to, ask.

“Please, what time is it? I really do need to know.” Danny tried to force a change of subject. Anything but think about that.

Paul frowned, but then shrugged and pulled out of his jacket pocket a digital watch with the bands cut off. “Okay… It is… 12:05! You’ve been out for at least three hours!” he said in a voice that was far too chipper for the conversation they were just having.

Danny felt a crack suddenly he was in full black hole mode. Everything around him just vanished. He fell down into The Pit a terminal velocity. He felt the tears come but even with his eyes open all he could see was inky darkness. The pit of his stomach rested in hell. It was only him curled on his side crying so hard he had to gasp for breath, breaking the silence of his tears. He had Failed. He was going to Fail. He had let everyone down everything was coming to pieces his father would be mad at them and then he would die and then he would be kicked from his home and everything he knew and he’d never find love and….

And then Joan was in the room, pulling him up and hugging him like they were kids again. Ever so slowly, deep breath, after deep breath. Joan anchored him and let him pull himself out of the pit. Through the fog of tears his whispered “Thank you.” It was such a melodic whisper, he focused on its beauty rather then the fact that it had come from his mouth

Joan unfolded her arms holding him by the shoulders. “I missed you! Wow your voice is already sounding better! We have so much to catch up on!!” She beamed at him with a grin whose radiance he could never hope to match. While, she word-vomited out the pleasantries of old friends meeting after a long time apart, a smaller smile crept its way on to his face as well.

That was until Paul cleared his throat. “Listen, I guess you two have a lot to talk about, but I gotta give the Patient his diagnosis, I kept you out of the room for a reason you know.” Joan and Danny’s faces both drooped a bit as they braced themselves for the news. “You’re past the incubation period, so unless you want to have serious health problems for the rest of your life I recommend not taking the antibiotics.” Danny winced, he knew he had passed incubation when he felt the infection on his back, but it still hurt to hear it. “You’ve already lost a good amount of bodymass while I’ve been watching you. You’re probably already seriously weakened.” Phil was clearly trying for good bedside manner, but his tone was off like he had learned it from a book. To Danny it sounded as if he were trying to sooth the cows while they go to slaughter.

Danny exchanged a wordless “fuck this guy” look with Joan. It was like nothing had changed or come between them again after so many years. And then it was gone. She was examining him like a bug under the mircoscope. He slowly realized she was trying to memorize the shape of his body before it was irrevocably changed. The tears were back but there would be no sobbing this time.

“You have about two days left of change. Before you become fully biologically female.” Paul stopped with an air of finality.

“well then that’s quite a crash course we have to bring you on, huh?” Joan giggled.

Danny frowned. He was about to protest being forced into femininity when his phone burst out ringing. Hoping for an easy way out of an akward situation, he fished his phone out of his pocket with fumbling hands. ‘POPS’ blazed across the screen in bold all caps.

An apologetic glance at all involved declared that Danny had to take it. “Pops?”

“Danny? Your voice sounds weird.” Joe said in his usual out of breath whisper.

“Really?” the pit at the bottom of Danny’s stomach dropped. It had already started. How feminine had his voice become? Thinking fast, he coughed several times trying to lower it. “Sorry pops, I’m really sick.”

“Well listen, Threshman just called, says he’s been waiting about 5 minutes for you to come round. I know you’re sick, but you gotta handle this! You know that.”Joe’s voice sounded vaguely disappointed and he said the words Danny had been dreading.

Danny decided to just abridge the truth. “Joan’s back..”

“What does that have to do with anything?” Pops snapped. In the corner of his eye Danny noticed Paul get up and shut the door behind him.

“Let me finish! Joan’s back, she was checking in on me, and I collapsed!”

“What !”

“So she took me to the….” Danny looked at Joan. Joan shook her head. “Doc...tor. I’m there right now.”

He heard a sigh on the other end of the line. “Are you bedridden?”

“Yeah.”

“Shit. Okay, well, I’m glad your in good hands. I guess I’ll tell Threshman that I need some time, and see if Fabian or Mike can sub you.” Good ol’ pops coming through where it matters most.

“Thanks. I’m sorry about this, but I did warn you.” Danny tried to chuckle but it came out as more of a giggle. Panicking he tried to fake another coughing fit to cover it.

There was a stunned silence in the phones speakers. When Joe spoke again it was slow, even softer then normal, and very deliberate. “Where did you were bedridden at?” Danny felt his heart sink. “Because I’m sure McMasters would’ve called me if Joan brought Danny in.”

Danny was baffled by the sudden tense shift. “What do you mean?”

“Your impression of my son is very good young lady, but I would like to talk to my son now. I don’t appreciate being lied to like that.” Joe’s voice maintained its edge and cadence in a way that Danny had rarely seen since the lung removal.

Danny blustered, unable to form a coherent sentence to refute his pop’s claims. Eventually he managed a “I am Daniel!” though it hurt him to say it.

“Put my son on now!”

“You never believe me about anything!”

“Marla? Have you kidnapped my boy!!”

That stopped Danny in his tracks. His mom had run off to LA when he was 2 to become an actress. He wondered if the Narragansett was causing him to sound like her, at least over the phone. Being mistaken for his mother felt weird. It almost felt like a positive emotion? He didn’t have time to investigate that now, however, so it was neatly tucked behind the fridge with his other strange thoughts.

“Marla?”

Danny looked at Joan again for support, but she shrugged and mouthed ‘just lie’. He frowned at Joan. She just gave him smug look. She knew he hated lying, it was one of the few things he truly believed in from his Christen upbringing. But…. he hated rocking the boat more. He decided to appease his father he would have to come up with some way of agreeing with him while also cooling him off? Should be easy.

“Okay you caught me! I… don’t know who this, uh, ‘Marla’ is, but Danny’s at Joan’s place and still out of it. I’m her friend from college,” Danny realized he now had to come up with a name on the spot and began to sweat even more profusely. “Da...arla… Yeah! Darla.” Perfect. “She said I should just pretend to be Danny so you would just cover his shift more easily while he recovered without the expectation of working. Sorry about that!”

“O...kay, well you girls be sure to call me the moment he wakes up.” Danny barely registered the credulity in his fathers voice. He was far to focused on being called a girl by his father. It produced an extreme upwelling of energetic emotion that he had no name or outlet for. He felt like he wanted to laugh, cry, and run a lap simultaneously.

“Will do!” he said in a chipper tone that confused him. Why did he sound so happy when he spoke?

His second thoughts cut in and reminded him that he was going to have to get used to being gendered feminine in the near future. He was, for all intents and purposes going to become a girl, though not mentally. Could he take it? Plenty of men who got Narragansett committed suicide, or took antibiotics anyway rendering themselves sterile and chronically ill. He had no idea how he could deal feeling whatever that was every time someone called him a she or a woman.

It took him nearly a minute to realize Pop had hung up. As he lowered the phone from his temple Joan blurted “You dumbass! You do realize were gonna have to come up with a way of contacting Joe as Danny now??”

Just as Danny was attempting to form a coherent rebuttal to Joan like “you told me to lie”, when a hatless, cleaner Lavender burst through the door like a cow being let out after winter. “HEY! I heard the hot guy from Kenton General was here! What’s up!!”