D Minus

“Still, I think I would’ve liked you. My heart was pounding from the first day I saw you. You were so damn pretty.”This time, a toothbrush entered his mouth. As Hajin kept biting it weakly, Jonghwa slipped his fingers between Hajin’s lips. Thanks to this, Hajin finished brushing his teeth by biting Jonghwa’s fingers instead of the toothbrush.“But you probably wouldn’t have felt the same. You’re too good for someone like me.”A towel was wrapped around his head. Jonghwa dried Hajin’s body with another towel, then lifted him into his arms. Drops of water that hadn’t been wiped off still fell from Jonghwa and dampened the floor.“You’re right. Big brother isn’t a good person.”“……”“Thanks for teaching me. If it weren’t for you, I would’ve lived my whole life like a fool.”Hajin’s back met the soft blanket. Lying back on the bed where he spent most of his time, Hajin stared at Jonghwa with unfocused eyes. Jonghwa pulled the blanket up to Hajin’s neck, propped his elbow, and rested his cheek on his palm, gazing at Hajin intently. The difference in the speed at which their eyelids moved was evident.“Thanks for teaching me Korean, too.”“……”“Thanks for registering my family name, too.”“……”“And thanks for telling me you liked me.”Jonghwa gently patted Hajin’s chest. Hajin’s eyes became moist. His dry lips moved as if he wanted to say something, but no sound came out. Jonghwa wiped the tears running down Hajin’s cheeks with the back of his hand and slightly lifted the corners of his mouth.“But can’t you hold on a bit longer?”“……”“I know you’re in pain, and I’m sorry for asking you to endure it. But I can’t do it alone. I’m scared.”Tears streamed down Jonghwa’s face. Hajin’s eyebrows furrowed in sorrow. He wanted to comfort the weeping Jonghwa, but he couldn’t even lift his hand, feeling as if his insides were being twisted.“I’ll clean up every time you throw up, just like now. I’ll wash you, feed you, put you to bed. So, can’t you hold on just a little longer? I won’t ask for much. Just a little.”“……”“It’s because I feel it’s a waste. The time we had together was so short.”The room was filled with the sound of Hajin’s rough, beast-like breathing. This time, Jonghwa’s lips curved downwards. He clutched his chest in pain.“……Sorry.”“……What?”“Sorry… I’m sorry……”A faint sound came from Hajin. Jonghwa, narrowing his eyes, brought his ear close to Hajin’s lips. The words he managed to squeeze out with his stiff lips were ‘I’m sorry.’Jonghwa, who had been frozen for a few seconds, forced a smile and pressed his lips to Hajin’s. The hot, feverish flesh touched for a moment before pulling away. Despite the tears streaming down his face, Jonghwa made a smiling expression with his lips. Hajin also struggled to follow suit, a faint smile spreading on his rigid face.“What? You love me?”His voice, full of moisture, was mischievous. Jonghwa kissed Hajin’s cheek loudly and laughed. Hajin tried to laugh along but could only grimace awkwardly as he lacked the strength.Don’t go, don’t go, don’t leave.Sing me a song just once for me.

Na-na, na-na-na-na, holding a bitter heart.Again tonight, I fall asleep crying.Again, Hajin fell asleep to Jonghwa’s song. He wondered what happened to the lonely firefly after it fell asleep exhausted from crying. Was it happy when it woke up from its dream?Every time Hajin inhaled, a rough sound came from between his teeth. Jonghwa gently patted his chest, staying awake through the night. For the tenth night in a row, he couldn’t sleep properly, fearing that Hajin would slip away to a place from which he could never return while he was asleep.“What day is it today?”Hajin, stretched out on the sofa, sipping the water Jonghwa brought him, asked. Jonghwa glanced at the calendar on the wall.“The 20th.”“December?”“Yeah.”“Christmas is soon.”Though slow, Hajin could still converse, which Jonghwa decided to be grateful for. Despite being too frail to walk alone, Hajin stubbornly tried to get up. Jonghwa quickly ran over to support him.“Did it snow outside?”“Yeah. Want to go see?”“Yeah.”He had never liked snow even into his thirties, but now, with death so near, he felt an odd attachment to it. Hajin ventured outside, piggybacked on Jonghwa, into the brisk, windy air. Bundled up in a padded jacket and scarf, he didn’t feel too cold or uncomfortable.“There’s so much snow…”“I thought the house would collapse. Can you see the snow on the roof?”Hajin’s eyes widened. While he had been lying around as if he were dead, the outside world had fully transformed into winter. The ground was blanketed in white snow, and long icicles hung from the eaves. The stream that had been flowing until recently was now frozen solid, and the stack of firewood piled up in early winter had disappeared. Hugging Jonghwa’s neck, Hajin looked around and smiled faintly.“When I lived in Seoul, I never knew snow could be this pretty.”“Well, it’s good you know now.”“There are so many things I’m doing for the first time with you.”“For me, almost everything is a first with you.”“You never lose, do you…?”A faint laugh came from Hajin. Jonghwa smiled and continued walking slowly. The snow was so deep that with each step, he sank down to his shins.“Have you decided which country to go to?”“Yeah.”“Where are you going?”“Abroad.”“I mean, where abroad?”“Somewhere… abroad, I said.”“But which country? The U.S.? Japan? China? You have to name the country. Just saying ‘abroad’ doesn’t help.”Hajin’s breath became labored after a slightly longer sentence. Resting his cheek against Jonghwa’s shoulder, he took a deep breath. Jonghwa adjusted Hajin’s position and rolled his eyes.“Isn’t ‘abroad’ a country?”“……”“……”“Fine, you’re right. We promised to live abroad together.”“Yeah.”Jonghwa nodded surprisingly easily, contrary to Hajin’s expectations. Sensing an uneasiness rising from deep within, Hajin decided to take this opportunity to push a bit further, selfishly not considering how Jonghwa might feel or think.“When I die, will you bury me? Or cremate me?”“Damn it… you ask the strangest things.”As expected, Jonghwa’s reaction was slightly rougher. Hajin also wanted to avoid the topic, but it was an issue that had to be resolved before he died, so he continued speaking, pretending not to notice his racing heart.“Will you bury me?”“Can’t you just not ask about things like that?”“I don’t like the idea of being buried. It feels suffocating. Cremation seems better. Easier to deal with.”“……”“No one will visit a columbarium anyway. Just scatter my ashes in the sea. You can take them with you when you go abroad and scatter them in the ocean there. It’s a nice way for me to travel abroad.”His voice was light despite the heavy subject matter. It was his way of trying to avoid the approaching sadness.“I want to step on the snow.”An extended silence followed Jonghwa’s lack of response. Hajin whined, swinging his thin legs in the air, asking to be put down. Jonghwa hesitated for a moment, then cleared a spot in the snow with his foot for Hajin to stand.“Don’t touch it, just look. It’s cold.”Ignoring the snow clinging to himself, Jonghwa only cared about Hajin. Hajin, now standing on the ground, wobbled but managed to steady himself. The wide expanse of snow was so beautiful that he was momentarily speechless.Even this pure, white snow would eventually melt, leaving behind dirty water, which was why Hajin never liked snow. But suddenly, he thought that despite his fading life, there was a time when it was also beautiful and clean.“…Idiot.”Jonghwa walked around Hajin, drawing a large heart in the snow with his footsteps. When he returned, they were standing in the middle of a heart-shaped outline made by Jonghwa’s footprints.“Hey.”“…What.”“I love you.”“……”“We don’t need to wait for the next life. I love you now.”Reflecting on it, Hajin realized he fell in love with those pure brown eyes, so unfitting for Jonghwa’s sharp appearance. Just like now, those eyes sparkled as if they could spill stars.Jonghwa cupped the back of Hajin’s head and kissed him. Despite the kiss being rough and clumsy as always, Hajin cherished the warm touch contrasting the cold wind, ignoring the pain spreading from his spine to his abdomen.“What day is it today?”Quite some time had passed. During that period, Hajin had fainted multiple times. Feeling his consciousness flickering, he realized death was truly near. Lying in bed, Hajin asked, and Jonghwa, who hadn’t slept a wink and had dark circles under his eyes, answered immediately.“The 24th.”Four days had passed. In the confusion of fading in and out of consciousness, four days had slipped by. Hajin’s cheeks lifted as he counted the days with his trembling fingers.“Tomorrow is Christmas…”Though he didn’t attend church or cathedral, Christmas was always special. He never did anything grand, just bought a small cake or wine and enjoyed the holiday alone. He had thought he wouldn’t see this Christmas, but now it felt like an unexpected gift, making him excited.“There’s a tree outside.”“A tree?”“A Christmas tree. I went to the city to get it.”“When did you go to the city?”“A few days ago. When you were in the hospital after collapsing, I bought some things.”“A few days ago?”The last day Hajin remembered was the 20th, when he and Jonghwa walked in the snow, but he had no recollection of when they had gone to the hospital since then. Noticing Hajin’s frustration, Jonghwa quickly changed the subject.“I tried to make it myself, but damn, my fingers are useless. So, I just bought the whole thing.”“Can I see?”“Sure.”Jonghwa effortlessly carried Hajin on his back. Hajin, used to this, wrapped his arms around Jonghwa’s neck.“Wow…”The deep mountain cabin looked perfect with the Christmas tree. It would have been even better with a fireplace, but unfortunately, they couldn’t have one inside. Hajin, sitting on the sofa, gazed at the tree in the middle of the living room with sparkling eyes. As Jonghwa had said, it looked like he had bought the entire display, with everything from big bells to Santa dolls.“Do you like it? You’re not a kid…”Despite his gruff tone, Jonghwa’s eyes were filled with indescribable love. Hajin tried to smile by moving his stiff facial muscles. Though the result was odd and awkward, Jonghwa just laughed and said how pretty it was.“What time is it?”“Eleven.”“Just one more hour until Christmas.”“Yeah. We’ll light the cake tomorrow morning.”He couldn’t say “eat.” Hajin was on IV fluids from the hospital. He threw up everything he ate, and sometimes even when he didn’t eat. Jonghwa, who used to encourage him to try eating, had stopped mentioning it, seemingly accepting that Hajin’s body had reached its limit.“No, I want to wait.”“What are you waiting for? You need to sleep since you’re not feeling well.”“No, I want to light the cake at midnight.”“Why are you being so stubborn?”“Just because. It’s Christmas.”Despite his unfitting stubbornness, Jonghwa only sighed and didn’t say anything more. Once again, Hajin had won. In fact, Hajin always won.“How many minutes left?”“Forty-five.”“So much time left.”Time, which usually flew by, seemed to drag today, making Hajin resent Jonghwa’s wristwatch. The reflection of their backs sitting side by side in front of the twinkling tree lights was visible in the window.“Jonghwa.”“What?”“You’re the best gift I’ve ever received before I die.”“…What, all of a sudden…?”In his hoarse voice, punctuated with wheezing breaths, Jonghwa’s earlobes turned red as he listened. Hajin, aware of Jonghwa’s quickening heartbeat, smiled through his grimace. His facial muscles had stiffened to the point where he couldn’t laugh freely anymore.“If I weren’t terminally ill, if I were still living healthily as a teacher, I was sure I wouldn’t have loved you.”“Of course.”It wasn’t the most pleasant thing to hear, but Jonghwa nodded vigorously as if it were obvious. What a hopeless case. Hajin laughed, gasping for breath.“That wasn’t true. I would have loved you no matter when I met you. Just like now.”His cracked voice struggled to form each sentence. Jonghwa waited patiently, never interrupting. There was a brief silence between them. Hajin, smiling faintly, listened to Jonghwa’s heartbeat while Jonghwa stared blankly at the bell on the tree, lost in thought.“You must be happy. Even after I’m gone.”“……”“You must be happy. You have to be happy.”“……”Neither of them cried. Hajin spoke slowly but calmly, while Jonghwa avoided responding, fiddling with the large bell. The only sound was the ticking of the wall clock.“It’s midnight.”“……”“Merry Christmas, Park Hajin.”Jonghwa never gave Hajin the answer he wanted. In the time that passed, Hajin received his last Christmas gift.Hajin, staring at the yellow lights on the tree, pulled Jonghwa in for a kiss. He was so weak that it was just a peck, like something kids do, but his heart raced as if it would burst. Their love had grown immeasurably.“What day is it?”“The 29th.”Thank goodness. Hajin, his eyes barely open, felt relieved. He vaguely remembered vomiting and passing out several times, but thankfully, only four days had passed. Now, he could barely breathe on his own. Jonghwa, who had insisted on going to the hospital, finally relented to Hajin’s wish to leave peacefully in a comfortable place.“Hold me.”As the end approached, Hajin became more childlike, often whining and throwing tantrums, but Jonghwa never got annoyed and always complied. Climbing into bed and offering his arm as a pillow, Jonghwa’s chest heaved up and down. Hajin’s lips twitched, wanting to smile but unable to.“Jonghwa.”“Yeah.”“Read me a book.”“Why the hell… suddenly want me to read a book?”“You can read a book.”“I can only read The Little Mermaid.”“Read that one.”Hajin whined again. Jonghwa, scratching the back of his head in bewilderment, got up, muttering under his breath. It just so happened that the fairy tale book was in the car trunk the day they left for this place. Watching Jonghwa trudging back with the book, Hajin laughed to himself as much as he could inside.“The Little Mermaid went up to the surface and drank the potion given by the witch in one gulp.”This time, Jonghwa’s voice slowed down. His furrowed brows and the way he pointed to each word with his finger as he read were simply adorable. Hajin’s lips tightened and relaxed repeatedly. Jonghwa, noticing Hajin was smiling, occasionally chuckled along.“Why did you skip the gulp…”“Gulp? I missed that part.”“Gulp.”“Alright. Gulp.”At thirty and thirty-one years old, it wasn’t a book for two grown men, but they spent a long time reading the fairy tale, finding it inexplicably fun.Most fairy tales typically end with “happily ever after,” but The Little Mermaid, unfortunately, did not.“Why is The Little Mermaid the only sad ending…”“Why are you thinking about that?”“Isn’t it true? All the others have happy endings, but only The Little Mermaid turns into sea foam.”Even though it took him a lot of time to finish one sentence due to his labored breathing, Jonghwa never rushed or interrupted him. Jonghwa kissed Hajin’s forehead and responded in a barely audible voice.“She must have been happy. She protected the prince.”“……”“That’s all that matters. So what if she turned into sea foam?”