Chains of a Time Loop

Nathan's carefree demeanor melted away. "What, about Ben? Is everything okay?"

"No."

It was a harsh word at the best of times, and it wasn't the best of times, not right now.

"Is—is he hurt?"

"Oh, he's fine."

He seemed to take… something from these words.

"… Are you okay?"

"It's a long story."

He nodded to a nearby bench. "Why don't you go ahead and… tell it?"

So she did. She told him just about everything.

She didn't really mean to. She meant to tell an abridged version, just Ben's behavior but absent the metaphysical context. But it just… wasn't really possible to do that. So she told him everything. And he didn't react like Iz or Cynthia, he didn't make weird faces or laugh nervously when she started talking about time travel. And then once she got started, she kept going, in part to procrastinate the hard bits she didn't want to talk about.

But she had to talk about them eventually, and talk about them she did.

"So… you've been quiet," Myra said.

Quiet didn't even begin to cover it. It was an aberration—the natural state of a healthy Nathan Talzatta was to yap, and she had given him a lot to yap about. Right now, she could barely even hear him breathe.

"… Does it, uh, sound like him?"

Slowly, he shook his head. "No, it doesn't."

Her heart sank. He had listened, it had seemed like he had believed her, but—

If Ben had been changed so much by the time loop that there was no longer anything recognizable about him, there wasn't anything to learn from this.

"Wait, wait," he said quickly. "Let me… tell you why."

He rolled his tongue around the inside of his mouth, stalling. "Okay, so back in secondary school, Ben was really interested in dating, and he asked a lot of girls out. He got rejected a lot, but he was always pretty chill about it. He'd always tell me, 'rejection is a part of life' and whatnot. And… well, in retrospect, he was probably reassuring himself more than he was trying to impart life lessons to me, but anyway. He was always really polite and respectful, decently mature, never showed any hard feelings."

"Okay," Myra said flatly.

"One time, he got into this one girl named Lyli. Uh… do you remember her? This was all after you moved away, I think."

"… Maybe? With the mauve hair?"

"Yeah, her. Anyway, Ben really liked her, spent a long time contemplating how to ask her out, bought flowers, uh… anyway, she turned him down. And Ben was really great about it, they even remained friends for a while."

This story sucks. I don't want to hear about this.

But from Nathan's demeanor, she could see he was still circling around the point. She let him continue.

"Finally, he started going out with a girl named Jessina. She was nice, real quick-witted and sharp-mouthed, I liked her. They went out for around three months, and then she broke it off." He took a deep breath. "And then he was… well, it was a different story. He told me that there was some… implicit social contract to date for at least six months since that's the minimum time you need to get to know someone. So he went on and on about how she owed him… because of this 'contract'… which, to be clear, he made up… then a week later, he made a scene at school, shouting about how he had… caused him distress by showing him the bliss of 'intimacy' and then withholding it… I'm paraphrasing…" He looked deeply uncomfortable telling her all of this. "It was a huge shitshow, like…"

"Okay, I get it," Myra said. "I get the picture, you don't have to belabor it."

He seemed genuinely relieved to hear this.

"Anyway… I don't know what all's happened in this… time loop. But until yesterday, I… I don't think the way Ben thinks about dating has… fundamentally changed."

Myra collapsed onto her back, and she thought about what Nathan was trying to say.

"Oh, fucking hell."

◆

Would I ever, in any timeline, date someone like Benkoten? To even consider the question, Myra had to enter an entirely different mindspace, one where Ben was just 'Nathan's older brother,' a guy she saw sometimes in passing but didn't know very well, whom she generally had a favorable opinion of as a talented mage student, member of the student council, and so on. She had to put herself back in her own mindset from the first loop.

In retrospect, he had come off as a little overbearing and cheesy, even before his row of critical failures at the end… The idea of dating him just seemed too far-fetched.

Or at least that's what she remembered when she looked backwards past an entire year of running away from the guy. The truth was, she couldn't remember very well what she had felt that first month. It felt like so long ago…

The whole 'mindset' thing was just easier said than done.

She did, however, remember something she'd said to Shera.

"He was so close! Seriously, all he needed to do at this point was figure out the right way to comfort me after watching Iz get brutalized. Then I would have melted into the palm of his hand!"

And that was probably a better reflection of what she'd been thinking at the time.

"Fucking hell," she said again.

So that's it, then. We must have looped together for a while, maybe years, and dated, and then I broke it off.

And he decided I "owed him" a second chance…

And the only way for him to get that second chance…

"Sorry, I don't know what else to say," Nathan said. "Just let me know what I can do to help."

"Would you talk to Ben? Assuming we're able to find him? I mean, I don't really expect him to suddenly see the error of his ways, but—"

"Yeah, of course, I will." He paused. "Do you know where I can find him?"

"He could be anywhere… apparently he long-distance-teleported off somewhere. Usually, he comes and finds you and gives you an excuse about where he's going off to, not anything that holds up to scrutiny, but it keeps you from asking questions for a month. The alternative is—uh—he just vanishes and leaves you wondering what happened to him. So if he didn't come to see you this morning…"

Nathan's shoulders sank.

"Yeah, I… I couldn't believe he'd do that to you, either." She felt a pang of regret, though, remembering how she hadn't said anything through the whole of that loop either.

"Well, uh… thanks for listening. And believing me. I actually gotta go—"

"Lukai?"

"Yeah… I need to be there by evening…" She looked towards the training gym, where class was just about to let out. "I need to decide if I should take her or not."

"Why wouldn't you?"

"Getting her involved has only hurt her. Even before… I mean. I don't know. I also don't want to leave her here, unprotected, but maybe I could… figure something out." She paused. "And, it's just, I don't know how to face her right now."

Nathan bit his lip. "Given everything you've told me, I think she would be pretty upset if you didn't bring her along to help Lukai."

"Well…"

"Am I wrong?"

"No."

He shrugged. "Then you don't have much of a choice, do you?"

"… Huh." Myra considered that. "I guess you're right. Thanks for putting it that way."

She stood up. "Okay, let's go get Shera."

"Do you want me to come, too?"

"I think it'd be a good idea, actually… to be honest, I think Lukai might be afraid of girls."

More specifically, Lukai had seemed convinced that 'Geel had sent them,' and frankly, it wasn't unwarranted. It seemed completely within Geel's character to hire a couple of young women to befriend him, maybe even date him… and then chuck both of them off the platform right in front of him.

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Though, he could do that with guys, too. Maybe it didn't matter.

"In any case," Myra said, as if Nathan had been privy to her inner thought process, "it'd be good to have another hand."

◆

The three of them were on a train to Krinph. Shera, as always, had needed little convincing, though Myra now held a dense knot in her stomach as she tried to figure out how to explain the end of the last loop. She had given a very abbreviated version, enough to warn Shera that she could be a target (which on its own hadn't seemed to bother her excessively). While she dealt with that, the group checked the newspaper.

Foiled Break-in at Imperial Trebuchet

At 6:44 A.M. this morning, alarms detected an unknown number of intruders at the Raine Eastern Trebuchet (REaT) launch site in Kanre, Halnya. The intruder, a battlemage, escaped following a brief confrontation with the imperial military. The event saw three soldiers killed and a yet unknown number of wounded soldiers. The army has not been able to identify the intruder, and no description of the intruder has been reported. It is unknown if the intruder was working with anyone else.

REaT reports that no intruder accessed the trebuchet at any time and that it took no significant damage. REaT did not comment on potential motives, but a spokesperson speculated that the intruder was after blueprints or other confidential documents from a secure area. The launch site is expected to resume operations by Nov 9.

It was now the third loop in a row with one of these.

"Look, let's solve this mystery," Myra said. "I have a year's worth of data at this point. Surely, we can figure out the pattern here."

In Loop 5, the first loop I went to Jewel City, the culprit attacked REaT three times. They succeeded the third time, which they accomplished by activating the trebuchet to launch a building out of the facility.

In the subsequent loops, the culprit attacked similar facilities, seemingly getting more and more skilled as time went on. In this period, they never returned to REaT.

In Loop 13, there were no attacks at all, but I missed the second half of that loop.

In Loop 14, they attacked REaT again and failed, as if it had been their first attempt again. Nothing happened for the rest of the loop; unlike in Loop 5, there were no follow-up attacks, or at least, none that were reported.

In Loop 15, the exact same thing happened. Failed REaT attack on the first morning, then nothing.

And now, in Loop 16, it seems to be starting the same way.

She relayed these facts to the others to see what they thought.

"So I guess the first question is," Nathan said, "what were they looking for in all these facilities? And secondly, why did their pattern change?"

"The article says they were looking for records," Myra said. "But they weren't sure which facility had the information they were looking for… so they tried a bunch of different places. Then at some point, they got a tip that the information they're after is in REaT, after all. But for some reason, they can only make an attempt at it once per loop. Maybe it moves after the first failed attempt."

"But why not vary it up?" Shera asked. "Back in the earlier loops, it seemed like they were trying lots of different st-strategies to get what they wanted."

Nathan nodded. "I think whatever they're doing now… they have a different goal."

"Maybe… actually, there is one other difference here," Myra said. "In the previous loops, the newspaper never waffled about the number of intruders. It was always exactly one. Here, it's like… there might have been another, but they don't know?"

Nathan looked down. Shera looked alarmed, and finally, Myra had the same thought as the other two.

"Ben… based on the report, Ben dashed off from my dorm less than half an hour before the attack. And apparently, he was all dressed up like a stereotypical thief. So…"

So he's in cahoots with the other culprit after all.

As soon as she thought it, she had doubts. The very last time she'd thought something similar, when it came to paying off Geel, it had turned out to probably be unrelated in the end.

She couldn't help but feel she was overlooking something.

◆

They got to Krinph with plenty of time to spare. Even though Myra had mastered the November 6th train schedule to Unkmire, she had decided not to leave anything to chance today, and that meant getting there several hours early, and that gave them plenty of time to discuss the plan. As the nature of Unkmire made it difficult to reach a location where jumping wouldn't be a concern, Myra's plan primarily revolved around a number of possible ways to physically restrain him, the most desperate scenario of which involved a bungee cord.

But her friends were looking for a little more than that.

"How are we going to t-talk to him, though?" Shera asked. "H-how are we going to let him know we're on his side without spooking him? How are we going to convince him that life is worth living?"

An idea came to her mind, one that she should have come up with a full loop ago: that it would be useful to seek out some mental health resources for handling suicide crises.

Whoops.

"Let's just start like last time. Befriend him, but then when he starts talking about not being able to remember anything, we can explain about Geel's experiments. We just need to do it gently. This guy has been isolated his entire life, and he's used to being lied to…" She took a deep breath. "But we actually care about him. Or I mean, I know you two haven't met him, but—"

"I c-care about him," Shera said. "If the old me, d-did then—"

"Hey, if you care about him, I care about him," Nathan said with a shrug.

"Right, so," Myra said, honestly deeply relieved to hear them affirm this. "We just have to hope that shines through."

They both nodded.

"Also, Shera… I think you should lead."

Shera did a double-take. "Th-that doesn't make any sense. You're the one who remembers the past loop."

"I know, but… I believe you're better suited for it."

"N-no, Myra. Let me explain. I d-don't have many friends. I don't have th-the kind of social skills you need for this." She looked to their third member. "Maybe Nathan would be better suited."

"No, really, I promise. You're the right person for this."

She shook her head rapidly, like a dog shaking itself to dry its own hair.

"Ask him about… you know, hobby stuff. Ask him about astronomy. Ask about his art projects and his bridge! He's a naturally curious person, I think. Ask about his notebook. You'll be fast friends, I promise!" She attempted to push her friends forward, towards the projected meeting spot, but Shera was hard to move. "I'll get it started, okay?"

◆

But Myra wasn't sure she knew how to get it started.

It was a familiar sight. Lukai was breathing hard, sweating, hunched over and staring into the abyss. In retrospect, it was kind of obvious, wasn't it?

Does he just do it here if nobody interferes?

"H-Hey!" she opened. "Everything's going to be fine, okay?"

He looked at her. "Is it really?"

The problem was that she barely remembered how she opened last time. All she remembered was that she had barely put any thought into it. It still hurt to think about the whole thing, how she'd treated him, how she had treated his fears, how she'd treated Shera.

"I—I really hope so," she said. "We're going to do all we can."

"What do you mean?"

"Um…"

She looked frantically to the side and gave Shera a sharp shove forward.

"H-hi," she said.

"Hi…?"

Shera stuttered while not making any noise.

Wait! Other side!

She pushed Nathan forward.

"Hey, I'm Nathan." Nathan stuck out a hand. "You're Lukai, right?"

Lukai blinked several times. "How do you know who I am?"

"We know a bit about what's going on at the murk bogs. Myrabelle here considered applying for the runecrafter position, so she knows a bit about what you do. She ended up learning some disturbing things, became worried about you, and pulled us in to help you out."

"… Disturbing, huh?" He looked deeply skeptical.

If they were going this route, it was best just to explain right away. "It has to do with Geel's experiments with… memory 'magic.'" She pronounced the last word in a kind of ambiguous way, unsure what she should be conveying at this stage.

He flinched.

"I don't know anything about any memory magic," he said.

◆

Despite the awkward start, they were able to break the ice and settle into a long conversation over a variety of topics. They got food at Nathan's suggestion, then found a secluded area in a park, and talked through many of the same topics they had in the previous loop.

They talked about the bridge, though Myra avoided asking why it wasn't finished. Nathan had once visited the Arch of Anangal, the source Lukai claimed as his inspiration, and they talked for a long time about that.

And to Myra's great relief, Shera too seemed to get along well once they actually started talking. When they started talking about their experiences learning magic, they really started hitting it off.

"It's ridiculous they don't have more tools for someone in your situation," Lukai said. "You can't be the only one who has to deal with this kind of thing."

"Some alternative training regimes skip over the en-encantations entirely," she said. "But y-you need a private tutor… Most studies show th-that encanting is the best way to learn, so you just can't find anything else."

"Maybe we could come up with an idempotent chanting system," Lukai suggested. "Suppose, for example, that encanting a syllable twice in a row was the same as saying it once. Then it wouldn't matter if you stutter through it."

"Y-yeah. Something like that would have been a big h-help," Shera said. "Is such a thing possible?"

"I'm only an amateur in chanting theory," Lukai said. (The field as a whole was pretty small, being seen as something you were supposed to grow out of. It was tied up with pedagogy and education, rather than being an independent area of study. Despite ties to rune theory, Myra knew almost nothing about it. Anyway, it was impressive that Lukai knew enough to even consider himself an amateur.) "Mathematically, it should all work out, but I don't know if it would work so cleanly in practice, given a range of impediments…"

"What about you?" Shera asked. "Was it difficult to learn magic with a missing arm?"

His face darkened, and Myra's heart sank. It had been going so well.

"How'd you know about my arm?"

"Oh. Umm…" Shera shifted nervously. "I noticed when you move your left arm, you kind of wave your right hand around a little. You're controlling your prosthetic telekinetically, aren't you?"

Lukai clicked his tongue. "Yes. You have a good eye."

"It was hard t-to notice. It looks so realistic…" She almost reached out to touch it, then retracted her hand quickly, looking embarrassed. "Sorry! S-s-sorry."

"It's fine." A moment of silence. "I mean, it's fine if you want to touch it."

Shera did, tracing her fingers up and down his forearm. "W-wow. It's so realistic…"

"You must have lost it in the fire, right?" Myra asked.

"No. I've never had a left arm. I was born without it."

"Oh, huh."

Wait.

"S-so was it really hard, learning magic with only one arm?" She'd pulled her hand back.

"Yeah, yeah." He spoke slowly. "It was pretty difficult…"

No, that's bullshit. I saw his injury when I inspected his corpse!

"Wait, what's actually difficult about it?" Nathan asked. He had his hand to his chin. "I only ever learned with a one-handed staff. I thought that was pretty standard."

"It was…" His face started to flush. "It was difficult because there were always these exercises where you would hold something in one hand and then use the other hand to do magic…"

"Like what?"

"Um…" He seemed at a loss. "I don't. I don't remember."

"This is it!" Myra practically shouted. It was somewhat crass, but she thought she saw her chance. "You're doing the thing! You're making up your story on the fly to keep it consistent… You can't talk about your memories of the fire, so you're talking around it and forcing things to fit—"

Lukai shook his vigorously. "No!" he nearly shouted. "No, that's not true! I didn't forget about the fire! I remember it as clear as day! I—" He started twitching.

"It-it's okay!" Shera grabbed his arm again.

"Yeah, we don't have to talk about this if you don't want to," Nathan said.

"We're here to help," Myra tried to assure him. "Whatever you think you forgot about that day, we can help you remember it. We know all about what Geel's doing, and we know that you never really forgot it at all, did you—"

She was going to explain about Geel, and the experiment, the brainwashing, and his stupid fucking research paper, but she didn't have the chance. The fact was, Myra should have reconsidered more in light of Geel's confession to begin with, because she was still going about the whole thing as if Lukai's main problem was his struggle to remember the past.

"I won't let you do th-that." His voice was quivering. He looked towards the edge of the platform. "I should have known, you're just here to fuck with me. That's his end game, I should have known the whole time!"

He ran for the edge.

But this time, Myra ran after him.