Bullied (18+)

 

Chapter 25: Overwhelmed

 

A weird tremor of fear jerked my senses up on high alert.

Perhaps not really fear because, well, I didn’t have an excuse for me to be afraid. As of right now, I was busy smacking lips with my lover. I couldn’t find an immediate reason to be scared of that.

Not unless Grandma’s shadow happened to be still about. That would be all I needed to hop off and scram. But I hadn’t seen, heard, or even had an invasive thought about that dark thing since Helen had checked up on me.

Still, I was definitely not at all warm and cozy. I’d say this discomfort was something like a melting icecube had been held high over us to be dripped down the length of my spine. And with this image in mind, being fully clothed meant I’d be soaked in chilly water.

That was how I felt, and with it my skin prickled with gooseflesh.

It was wrong. What I meant was me being cold wasn’t right at all.

The unfortunate effect of having this unpleasant sensation was enough for me to break away from Adam. I had to admit though, I was amused when he lifted his head up to chase after our lost kiss.

But the moment was gone for me, and our kiss, I would keep that broken until I figured what the Hell happened to be wrong with me. Doing this to him was slightly heartbreaking, but I would be willing to make it up to him at a later date.

As reluctant as I was to back off before our time together got any hotter, I instantly thought of myself as a hypocrite. Not really, but the way I imagined how I felt sounded in my head was a contradiction. Despite how much this was unfounded, I thought, ’I’m rolling away for us to cool down because of an ice cold fear?’

That thought brought a tiny bubble of laughter out of me. If Adam was present, I would’ve said, ’Get real.’ This was ridiculous.

But he was here, and because of his little pout at me for the rejected kiss, I immediately regained my composure and acted as calmly as possible. I didn’t like the idea of worrying him if all I was feeling was a strange false alarm.

To give the appearance that all was well, I rolled onto my side and faced him. But also to note: I still felt irrationally uneasy. No idea yet as to why, but that ongoing cold fear stuck around.

At least that ruled him out being the culprit. It was when I thought about the last couple of times we’d been in bed together that the thought occurred, ’Am I afraid he’ll be manipulated again?’

Likely not. I’ve been given two examples of what he was like under the influence, and both of those times were him being overly forceful.

He wasn’t even assertive. I was the one to initiate this. And I had doubted our short moment of intimacy triggered that thought, otherwise I wouldn’t have started it.

If anything would have raised some hairs, that shadowy version of Grandma Satan would’ve been it. Had I seen her bright and shiny smile ever again, I’d have a high chance of screaming with terror.

Being raped was traumatic alone. Having a phantasmal creature with a sadistic sense of fun accompanying me in that rape to choke me was overkill.

...I’d like to forget that had ever happened, but Adam learned a lesson from that incident. Also on that thought of teaching him a lesson, I didn’t believe I was fearing for him either. I discovered how my emotional state could push me into an uncontrollable situation… Like burning myself.

Right now, I should’ve been damn hot to the touch. Him coming up a moment ago for another kiss was proof I wasn’t too hot for him to handle.

So that was another idea I checked off my list of reasons to be afraid. 

Then again, I really didn’t have a reason to believe this was fear. It felt like I was being scared of something, but in a frosty kind of way. I had to figure that one out.

The cold I felt… I remember feeling like this once before.

Back when I was little, I had been invited to an out of town fair. Not sure where that was being held -- I was really small -- but I did recall why I would turn down any future invitations.

There was this machine, a ride, we called the Salt and Pepper Shaker. I should never have gone on it, but I somehow managed. Either that was accomplished by superb negotiating on my part or the operator was simply negligent.

After I was done for good with that ride, I was freezing. I wasn’t sure if that was me being in a state of shock or if all the blood in me simply took a hike and left me lifeless. I know after that ride, I had been taken straight home. But that could easily have been because I got caught and in trouble.

In other words, I got kicked out, and if that was what really happened, I apparently had been all too willing to cooperate. I certainly wasn’t well enough to continue having fun there.

And that could’ve been another reason why I wasn’t doing so good right now. I never recovered from being sick. I wasn’t sure about my biology as much anymore, but last I remembered, the doc said I had an infection.

So as far as I was concerned about myself, I was still unwell.

Presently me laying on my side was causing a headache. I supposed it might’ve been due to how I was resting my head, so I tried laying down higher up on the pillow. Neck pain was what I guessed created the headache, but the new position wasn’t making me feel much better.

“-- all about?” I only heard the tailend of what he asked me.

With a little smirk, and some more shuffling around on the bed, I asked: “What was that?”

When I had laid on my back and looked up at the ceiling, Adam didn’t sound as if he repeated himself. Instead he asked: “You alright?”

“Yeah,” I assured him, but honestly I felt worse. “Just tired.”

Okay, that one was the truth. I happened to be going on the longest streak in my life of not getting a good night’s sleep.

In wonder, I thought, ’Maybe that is my problem?’ I wouldn’t be surprised if my body was telling me how badly I needed real and uninterrupted rest from this nightmare. I had to wonder, ’How many times had I tried?’

That wasn’t a thought I’d be willing to dwell on for long. I would be absolutely thrilled if my memories of Hell were to be erased.

“--ith me?” I realized I had zoned out again, missing what Adam asked me for a second time.

So he’d know my full attention was on him, I turned the other cheek and face him -- which made me feel nauseous. Now that was a weird kind of precursor towards throwing up.

“I’m sorry,” I first apologized. And as I caught the look of concern on his face, I asked: “Could you repeat that?”

And as I swallowed down whatever the Hell wanted to come up, he did repeat himself. “Do you think it would be a better idea for you to stick with me?”

While I was wondering what in the world that I could possibly purge from my empty stomach, I was also a little lost on the context of his question. I had a couple of ideas what he meant to say, but they’d have different answers.

So I had to be certain before giving him an answer. I first asked: “You mean, living here, marrying you, or you don’t want me to go out?”

He answered me with another question. “If that is cool with you?”

This was kinda unfair. I just got slammed with a question containing multiple interpretations… And I took this followup question as confirmation that was how it was intended to be taken.

It was either that or he was rolling with my confusion as a means to hear what I thought about all three possibilities. He should already know, but I supposed he was nervous I’d get cold feet about everything.

Running away wasn’t how I played with others. That was his answer.

Working my way backwards on my three, I began. “I agreed with your mom’s suggestion to go out for a drive because my little nap in her car was the closest I ever got to any genuine rest.”

On a fair note: I thought the only way he’d understand would be if I explained my problem to him, the whole story behind sleeping was a trip to Hell for me. But I believed going into that territory while I was feeling worse and worse was asking for trouble.

Sleep was a must for me. Real sleep, or I could snap at him if he showed a fraction of disbelief.

Before I could decide on how to approach this, he got up on his elbows. Right when I was about to continue onto the other two possibilities, he shook his head at me as if to keep me from saying another word.

Then he said, “I don’t wanna be stepping on your toes.” Then he really shook his head, grinned, and stated: “Definitely not Mom’s.”

With another smirk, I agreed: “Yeah, I can imagine she wouldn’t be pleased.” On a more serious note, and maybe a way out of this situation, I answered. “I think she was right; it probably would do me some good to get fresh air.”

The instant I said that and had begun to sit up, I started to blink repeatedly for some reason. And as the seconds ticked by, I became more aware of whistling in my ears.

But for those few seconds, I was more confused and concerned about this blinking business. Just to stop it, I clenched my eyes shut and thought, ’Do I have something in my eyes?’ I hadn’t felt any irritation.

A moment more had passed before I realized what was the deal here.

It had taken the blank and dark view behind my eyelids to see that my head was spinning… Correction: repeatedly tilting.

Not literally, but over my entire field of vision of everything that I saw, I watched it all gradually rotate almost up towards the ceiling before it all fell back in place. This was despite the perspective I had of the ceiling dropping down to make room for the wall up there. I was not having fun watching this.

Because of that, I had my eyes shut more firmly and settled with the afterimages swinging around behind my eyelids. As if it would help, I used the heels of my palms to rub the weird view out. I doubted that would work, but it felt kinda good to do something about it.

Before he would ask me if I was alright again, I probably lied by saying, “Tired.”

Then I laid back down. I stopped rubbing at my eyes, but did keep them closed.

“You completely sure about going out tonight?” I was, but I knew why he had asked.

“Yeah I… I just…” I didn’t go on when the shaking started. I knew exactly what caused that: adrenaline.

This was some sort of shock, and I was getting pretty scared of what might be the cause of it. I worriedly wondered, ’Did my infection become toxic?’ I could make sense of that with the lack of sleep lowering my immunity… That was if I still functioned like a normal human being.

“Clem?” I heard him, and I should’ve given him some clue that I was far from fine, but I only smiled up and indirectly at him.

This was my fault for bringing a huge burden into his life. No matter how much I might need it, I seriously couldn’t have him carry anymore of my baggage.

If I opened up about it, he’d be more than worried. I had danger, pain, and suffering just waiting to be let out.

Right now, I wasn’t in a fit condition to explain. And I doubted me stressing the fuck out about it was helping the matter.

“--ill be back.” Once again, I heard only the end of what he said to me.

“What?” I asked, but didn’t hear a response.

With an agonizing turn of my head and squinting my eyes, I caught him in time to see he’d slipped out and off the bed. He looked to be getting dressed… Or at least pulling up his pants.

“Adam?” As I called him, I gave sitting up another shot.

He glanced back over his bare shoulder at me and threw his hands midway up and out towards me. “Please stay whiiii--”

And I lost my hearing. I at last knew how I kept catching fragments of what was said, but not why.

Not exactly. I could grasp at the sinus infection having become severe. If that were the case, I believed that meant there was a possibility my eardrums ruptured.

Laying back down, I also ran a hand up to my ear to feel for anything outstanding.

Something was wet. I traced it up to my ear, then down and felt the line of fluid running down under my shirt behind me.

That explained the chilly drip down my back. Except I thought and wondered, ’Wouldn’t that be body temperature?’ It was probable that the liquid cooled when coming into contact with air.

Thinking more about it, I remembered that if the ears were damaged, the sense of balance would be thrown off too. That would totally explain why Adam’s bedroom was seesawing.

“Dun’ touch!” I was surprised to hear Helen’s voice.

As I was wondering what she was yelling about, I was startled by the light touch and go to my forehead.

“Ouch,” I heard a higher pitch in the normally deeper voice of Adam’s father. “Hot potato.”

A titter of laughter later, I heard Helen state: “I warned ya.”

And while I was presently aware, I took this moment to ascertain what all was going on. I guessed I must’ve zoned out again, and this time it was long enough for Adam to grab his parents.

What I found to be incredibly bizarre was how I kept being easily distracted. Times like this, when I would zone out, it would be because I was bored out of my mind. Both times I drifted elsewhere, my head kept going to past times, different people, and other places I’ve been or met without me having a need to consciously think about it.

This was really scaring me.

“Hun, move…” A shift of likely not tremendous weight on the bed -- as in this wasn’t Denis -- notified me that Helen came onboard. “Clem?”

Just a peek up and into her face was all I needed to know.

She was low enough for us to be nearly face-to-face. I caught the shift of her eyes darting down on either side of my head and that was enough to register what she saw wasn’t a pretty sight.

An unintentional flinch later, I sensed the light touch of her fingertips hovering over the length of my ear. I felt the tip of my ear being gently pulled down before she immediately pulled her hand away.

And an instant after that inspection, she raised her voice and issued commands. “Adam -- Pillow, towels, in the car, now. Denis, co--”

...There went my hearing again, but along with it came in its place a jawbreaking pressure that pushed in and out on the sides of my head. This was appropriate for me to call this a skull-splitting headache if ever I were to have one.

More on top of that was the searing lines that traveled parallel down the back of my now sore throat. However disgusting this was, I had a pretty good idea that was drainage caused by my sinus infection.

With a sickened groan, I tried to turn over onto my side to face the edge of the bed. This was just in case I were to toss my cookies… As if I had anything in me to puke out.

But I wasn’t able to turn. I felt a hand on my shoulder, then a pair that held me still.

Taking another quick peek, I witnessed the silent scene of Helen’s turned away face mouthing off something at her family. Not at all sure what was being said, but I’d put all my money down on this conversation being related to me.

Then I couldn’t see.

A huge dizzying fog drifted up and over me. Opening up my eyes some more didn’t help at all. I still couldn’t see.

This wasn’t like a physical fog. I would describe it as a blurry light that came in from all corners of my vision.

What was worse happened to be how I felt afterwards. It was like I had pins and needles all across my flesh now. And a constricting band of cord kept stretching tightly around my chest.

There was another noise now too. I couldn’t hear the whistling so well anymore, not with that static in the background getting louder and louder.

The strangest thing was, I felt the static in my ears for just a second. Then I was numb.

All of my senses were going out one at a time. I supposed the car ride wasn’t going to be needed for me to get some sleep. I couldn’t take much more of this.

Pretty soon, I knew I’d be unconscious…