Brand-Bound: Hallowed Be The Menu [Rivals-to-Lovers Slowburn Fantasy Romance]

The ritual baths of the Grand Cathedral at Demon Lord's Fall were formed from a long-drained gland of the city-sized Demon King. It was portioned into four sections, further subdivided into eleven smaller baths per partition. At this late hour, the pools were unguarded and unpopulated.

Enkidu begrudgingly hopped into one pool and was cleaned up within a minute. Zilara cordoned off a ritual pool for herself. That left Calaf and Jelena to tend to their own cleanliness.

Murals lined the wall. Visions of the Riverglen sewers, of the glamorized tale of clearing the rat kings from the sewers. The carvings portrayed a modern sewer not unlike the underground Calaf had guarded for years, not the charnel pit as depicted in the unfiltered gospels.

"Ah, each pool portrays a different station," Jelena mused as she lathered the muck and grime away. "Next one over will be Granite Pass."

Indeed, there was a door to the next pool, running anti-clockwise around a circular chamber, but no doors into the opposite pool. Ritual bathers were meant to enter through this 'Riverglen' station and wade through and out of the various pools, around the 'clock' built out of this ancient gland.

As for the purpose of this ritual, neither Calaf nor Jelena had any idea what it could be used for. Both had extensive knowledge in church life, being a sewer grate guard/aspiring Paladin and a former church sister, respectively. Neither could guess what the pools symbolized, as there were no analogues in the lower stations. The rituals of the innermost echelons of the church still escaped them.

Jelena wore her Silk Bonnet of Waterproofing. It was a negligible weight in Calaf's inventory, so he was glad to keep it in storage and bring it out for her when it was time for baths. Her eyepatch was off, tucked alongside her clothes in an alcove near the bone-chiseled door. This revealed her cloudy, blinded eye and its scoured Brand alongside her bright red-brown right eye.

The relic thief's lack of a Brand would cause additional problems in the Grand Cathedral. Every occupant of the Demonhead was, by definition, a Branded faithful in good standing with the church. Outsiders and the unconverted were generally not welcome in this holiest of spaces. Sneaking her or Enkidu past any occupied chamber would require… finesse.

The ritual baths contained soaps and cleansing oils. Jelena thoroughly scrubbed herself, producing a great deal of suds and soap. She sat coquettishly, half out of the bath. Soap cascading down her chest, itself glistening from the cleansing oil, managed to thoroughly censor her breasts—arguably more enticing than if she were bare.

Calaf gazed up admiringly, neck-deep in the ritual bath. Jelena sensed his prying eyes.

"Mmm. We're going to be in here awhile." Jelena further lathered her chest. "But I think we've got the muck off of us."

Even as she made a come-hither motion with her hand, Jelena slunk down into the water and turned around, showing only her back. Calaf waded over.

"Ah, such uncouth and premarital affairs in the church's most holy cathedral." Jelena waggled cheekily. "Why, this would surely be considered the utmost blasphemy— o-oh~"

The relic thief's breath hitched as Calaf wasted no time in taking advantage of her invitation.

A hub chamber sat at the center of these various pool networks. A single demonbone table was carved out of the very floor. As with the rest of the pools, this was unmanned and unguarded. They could plan undisturbed.

Jelena and Calaf were the last to enter the meeting room, with the former sliding her eyepatch into place.

The round table was overlarge for a party of four. There was room enough for at least sixteen to stand around the chamber. Zilara and Enkidu waited expectantly at the far end.

"Mmm." Jelena sighed placidly. "Ah, where were we?"

The relic thief closed her eye and let out a hum.

"Map would be helpful." Jelena made a languid stretching motion like a cat. "What. Ah~ what's the strategy?"

This elicited a scowl from Enkidu.

"Your sexual satisfaction is clouding your view of the mission objectives, Jelena."

Zilara made a face like Enkidu had just said the funniest and most scandalous word of all time.

"It is not," Jelena said, then sighed. "In fact, it's quite the opposite of clouding. I'm noticing all sorts of things I haven't before. Just give me a moment."

As Jelena sorted her newly clarified thoughts out, Calaf noticed at least three extra ways into the Demon Lord's Fall. They could squeeze through the boneyard and squeeze through gaps in the neckbone. Or shimmy along the jaw and between two of the back teeth. Or most daring: scale the backbone and sneak in through the occipital bone. In time, their wargame planning resumed, and Calaf and Jelena's peaceable super-clarity faded into something more reasonable.

"Hey, Hoss. I need two rings," Zilara said .

"Hmm?" Jelena looked to Calaf. "What for?"

At Jelena's behest, Calaf produced two spare Plain Topaz Rings and traded them with Zilara.

"Can't help but notice we have two members here who don't have Interface designations." Zilara fiddled with the rings via the Menu. "This ought to make for a considerable disguise. Virtually foolproof."

Several minutes passed. When Zilara was done, she placed Plain Topaz Ring (x2) onto the table.

"It'll have a slight Charisma bonus, but that doesn't apply to unbranded," Zilara explained. "Pity, Enkidu could probably use the boost."

Enkidu donned the ring without response. Immediately, he was accompanied by a fake Interface:

"Heh. Fellmarsh Priory was that one abandoned wayshrine we passed. Morbid, but we won't have to worry about a representative showing up and causing awkward confusion."

Enkidu examined the ring, twisting his slender fingers around.

"I cannot see any Interface."

"You won't, big guy," Zilara said. "But everyone else will. Isn't that right, other Hoss?"

Calaf nodded. "It'll work provided we're not questioned very hard."

Now it was Jelena's turn. She donned a Plain Topaz Ring, and…

"Huh." Jelena nodded her head, unable to see the Interface. "I'll take your word that I's working. Back in the saddle again."

"You won't be able to cast spells or anything. It's for display only," Zilara said.

Jelena motioned to her eyepatch. "Going to need to do something about this, too."

"Eyepatch stands out." Zilara frowned. "And just walking around with a scoured Brand will raise further questions…"

Wordless, Jelena checked through some of her lesser-used packs and pouches. She produced a small kit Calaf had never seen before.

"One second." Jelena turned around and popped something into her eye.

When she turned around, Jelena now possessed two clear eyes.

"Colored contact," she explained. "It's a shade redder than my good eye, but it should pass."

If they were under close enough examination for the discrepancy to be noticed, their heist would have already gone wrong.

"Okay." Zilara clapped her hands. "If anyone asks, just say your Brands are located somewhere uncouth. Other Hoss and I will use spoofing rings. Just keep in mind that these Topaz rings can't be edited at-will, so your alias is the only one you've got. Next step: disguises."

Calaf had been saving these since the Olde Capital. He produced…

Zilara picked up the Plain Cleric Robes and equipped it. The robes auto-sized themselves to her diminutive figure. Jelena donned the second pair of robes manually. They proved roughly her size, and would conceal her various flintlocks, pouches, weapons, and bodice

"Going to have to ditch the robes if flexibility is required," Jelena said, but otherwise, she was good to go.

"I do not look like a priest," Enkidu said. "We have been through this before."

"It worked then, didn't it?" Jelena asked.

Calaf chuckled softly. He equipped his own Priestly Vestments while Enkidu put on an ill-fitting set by hand.

"Alright. Almost ready to get out there and stake out the joint," Jelena winked her disguised eye. "First, though, I'm going to need to borrow Zilara for the last portion of my disguise…"

The goals were threefold.

One: Stake out the joint, learning what information of value they could gather from the new visitors to the Demon Lord's Fall. This was perhaps the most dangerous task, and the one that made the most use of their new disguises. With a conclave imminent, the numerous groups would have all manner of information to gleam regarding their other two objectives.

Two: Find any clues regarding the whereabouts of their rival thief bands. Aside from the abandoned Jiquan dig site, they'd yet to find hide nor hair of the other groups from Honest John's botched new thieves' guild pitch.

Three, the primary and most difficult objective: Determine a way into the Grand Cathedral's vaults. There, they would find both the archives and any gold vaults, which coincidentally would be the goal of the other thieves.

Each objective reinforced the other two.

"You all ready to go?" Jelena said from behind a door to one of the pools.

"We're waiting on you," Enkidu and Calaf said, with varying levels of patience and annoyance.

Jelena emerged. Her hair had been done, with some wizardry on Zilara's part, into a spiffy ponytail that poofed into twirling curls behind her head. Thin wisps lingered around her bangs and sideburns.

"… you like it?" Jelena asked Calaf.

Calaf stared, having forgotten to respond.

"Uh-oh. Boss, you're going to have to drag him into the bath again," Zilara said.

"That won't be necessary," Jelena said. "At least… not 'till the victory celebrations."

The relic thief took Calaf by the hand and marched off into the halls of the Demon King's Fall.

By the time they were ready to go, only the Riverglen contingent had yet to arrive. Granite Pass had a quaint delegation consisting of a single, plain bishop and his retinue. Only the Pass and Twelfthnight lacked proper archbishops.

Most of the lower reaches of the Demon King's chiseled-out skull were made up of administrated offices, document repositories, and clerical training rooms. It was all rather droll, though the halls – dried-out vein-type passageways snaking lazily through the façade.

"If demons do not bleed, what was the point of these veins?" Calaf asked as they walked.

"Pressurized ichor, used for locomotion. But that's not important right now," Enkidu said.

Jelena and Calaf were still holding hands. They quickly let each other go as they neared the main hall. They were in character as chaste church priests and deaconesses, after all.

The decal grew more ornate as they neared the hollow space of the Demon King's mouth. An ornate meeting chamber waited, far more elaborate than any previous cathedral or Fort Duran's old mead hall. Hundreds of councilors, bishops, archbishops, and their associate bodyguards and attendants milled about. Security was focused on the entrance at the far end of the chamber. The party infiltrated the conclave ball easily.

"We should split up and mingle," Enkidu suggested.

Everyone was mingling, the various regional congregations discussing the upcoming pilgrimage season and the conclave.

"We'll definitely get more information if we split up," Jelena whispered. "You keep Zilara around the edge. We'll see what we can dig up…"

The group split into two. Calaf had his spoofing ring set to label him by his 'Caelus' alias. He'd yet to utilize the glamour ring but could swap hairstyles or color if the need arose. Zilara had more extensive glamour to mask her twin-brand and was going by 'Zelda' again.

There was a dance floor, of a sort. It was slow and formal, neither of the pair's strong points. Nevertheless, Calaf and Jelena kept a slight distance and circled each other in a church-approved fashion.

They heard much about the rules of the conclave just by milling about and listening to the nearest clerics. The ecumenical council and the various archbishops were all leaving the room for just that purpose—there were only a few of each relative to their aids and attendants, so the room remained crowded. They would be sequestered in a high chamber somewhere above the nasal cavity. There they would remain until a decision was made. With pilgrimage season nigh, they would have to decide soon…

"Say, did you hear that the Riverglen contingent only barely arrived in time?" asked a nearby cleric to Calaf.

"Can't say that I have." Calaf shrugged.

"It was just the new archbishop and his close personal retinue," the cleric added. "Not even a deacon. Apparently, the archbishop said he'd move faster on his own."

Calaf's lips pursed. No Riverglen party meant Charlotte wouldn't be here, at least. Who was that new Riverglen archbishop? The post would have been filled after Calaf had already left on his journey. Try as he might, Calaf couldn't recall the bishop's name. With no extra electors the First Among Towns only had a single vote, crippling the starter city's influence.

Notably, the various delegations and parties could be easily sorted out by their level range. Those stationed at the Demon Lord's Fall were all pushing level 80, while the earlier stations were level-appropriate.

"Notice something?" Jelena asked when they had some more privacy.

"Hmm?" Calaf tilted his head.

"Everyone filtering away. The bishops and the like." Jelena risked leaning in intimately. "They're more likely to have twin-brands than the average person. Especially among the council."

Calaf nodded. "Most archpopes throughout history have been descended from the holy bloodline."

Far easier to count the archpopes who were not descended from Cleric Mia.

"You thinking what I'm thinking?" Jelena looked about, spying Zilara over in a corner.

"Don't tell me you're trying to put Zilara on the throne."

Jelena chuckled. "Oh, it's theoretically possible. Just have to convince the right people. Grease a few hundred palms. It'd be a heist of multiple centuries; stealing the archpope's seat right out from under these elderly old bishops in favor of a twelve-year-old. Then we rule as 'advisors' and use the newfound influence to make the lost gospels doctrine. Or legalize premarital—"

"An excellent choice of attire, sir and madam," an older deacon labeled from the Olde Capital interrupted. "It's ever so rare that we see a party so young with a respect for traditional church attire."

"Oh?"

The pair looked down at their robes and vestments. They were pilfered from the monastery at the Shrine of Shamana. While neither had particularly thought about it, these were old-fashioned, even antique garments. Not uncommon at church banquets, but antiquated relative even to modern church robes.

"Why, thank you, good sir," Jelena said with a wink from her good eye.

"Yes, such retrograde attire. How antiquated and reactionary. Excellent!" the old cleric said. "A fine commitment to church fundamentals. So rare among the youth!"

"Why, thank you," Jelena said, maintaining their cover. "Now come, Deacon Caelus. I do believe they're got an open bar…"

A riskier dance ensued, here meaning the pair risked their hands grazing against each other ever so slightly.

"Psst." Jelena whispered. "Enkidu just spied someone. Look to your seven o'clock."

Calaf unsubtly glanced over his left shoulder. A familiar figure sulked against the far wall. An obsidian block of metal welded to a hilt sat on his back.

"Oromund?" Calaf looked to Jelena, then back to the figure by the wall. "Not even a disguise. How did he get in?"

"Nobles can still come in and mingle," Jelena said. "Guards probably didn't get the memo about his parentage."

They couldn't exactly introduce each other, lest they blow both of their covers. They left Oromund to his mission, closer than ever to having 'words' with the ecumenical council. Still, there were no signs of the other thieves… which was a mark of a good thieves' band, to be sure.

Calaf went to nervously fidget with his glamour and spoofing rings… only to find the most curious phenomenon.

"My Menu," he gasped. "It's greyed out?"

Indeed, all aspects of the Menu other than 'Use' were darkened, greyed out. He tried Use, but could only make it to disposable items… and nothing in there was applicable.

How long had this been going on? Calaf closed his Menu and tried again, but the issue persisted.

There were murmurs near the banquet tables. It appeared a few other visitors who'd tried to access their complementary wine glass items were likewise affected. But as soon as it had appeared, the condition abated.

Not even a status effect, Calaf thought, then rejoined a none-the-wiser Jelena.

A lack of a Riverglen delegation left Calaf with his guard down. He was unlikely to be spotted by anyone who could recognize him, with or without Interface designation. Anyone ranked above a deacon should be in the conclave right now. It was just a matter of waiting about until they heard tell of where any treasure vaults were located, then raid the place and sneak out either through the front gate, if yet undetected, or out the way they came, if a stealthier escape was necessary.

Again, Jelena drew close to Calaf.

"Don't look behind you. At all. It's someone we know."

Calaf strained his periphial vision, judging his target based on where Jelena's eyes weer tracking. He looked just far enough to get a Menu designation, and was quite surprised by what he found: