NOVEL NEXT 15. Broken and Breaking
We cleaned up quickly and Jaina made me swear to keep things a secret. I was worried she regretted what we’d done despite her words until she gave a small gleeful giggle and grinned at me. Carmilla’s sense for people was damned good and I swore to listen to her about people forever.
An hour later I had a hunk of wood vaguely shaped like a leg strapped to my nub and another doctor was helping me learn to walk with it. Upside of good Coordination, my balance was moderately above average for my level. So I only fell every thirty seconds instead of every twenty. My Willpower however was really pulling its weight, keeping me from snapping at someone despite a growing desire to do so. I lasted an hour and a half before I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. The physical therapist said I was doing really good for my first session but all I felt was a sore ass from it hitting the floor repeatedly.
Jaina rolled me in my wheelchair out to a garden behind the hospital. Flowers and trees and birds all beautiful and relaxing and lovely. It all reeked of manipulation. I was a prisoner of war, not some VIP guest. I couldn’t make out any kind of guards keeping an eye on me, which meant either there really were none or the ones they were using were good enough to be effectively invisible. I didn’t know which possibility bothered me more.
I talked to Doc Francova and got some simple tests done to check the progress of my recovery and also see if my new form changed how any of my basic functions worked. My hand eye coordination was the focus and between my Attributes and Skills I was apparently very, very accurate and quick. For someone under level twenty at least. I had lunch alone in my room and afterward did some exercises in a weight room with another patient named Vikkel, Jaina translating between us. It made me feel slightly more normal to be doing something with someone else in the same boat.
Dinner with Jaina was nice, in the privacy of my room we flirted and teased. She told me that she’d been curious about my body since the external changes had finished but felt like a pervert and a creep every time she stared at me. I told her that she could stare as much as wanted if she let me stare back and apparently these were magic words because she immediately climbed into bed with me.
We spent time exploring each other’s bodies with hands and mouths, but neither of us were ready to go further than that. An hour or two of bliss passed before she had to head out to her own room, they’d set her up in an empty one just down the hall to keep her close to me. With a kiss she wished me and Carmilla a good night and left us alone.
“Think she’s the carrot?” I asked
“I’ve no idea what that means, love.” Carmilla purred into my ear, still enjoying the afterglow of my time with Jaina. It lasted a lot longer for her for some reason. If she couldn’t take part directly as least she got a nice long effect from it.
“Carrot on a string, used to lure an animal where you want it to go. Metaphor for positive reinforcement.” I explained simply, settling into place in bed for the night and feeling Carmilla’s phantom form settle in against my side.
“Ah, yes. I imagine she is. Not that I think her feelings towards you are fake, in fact I rather imagine that’s one reason why she was chosen.”
“Can you figure any others?”
“Money. I told you before, she has a sister with an expensive to treat illness. Not sure what, she hasn’t shared, but I imagine she’d be willing to sleep with you for the promise of having her sister’s medical costs covered. The fact that she likes you just makes it easier for her to say yes.” I felt her stroking along my collarbone as she talked.
“I feel bad pretending not to realize it.” I sighed and resisted the urge to try and pull Carmilla tighter against me. Damn it I was getting tired of not being able to hold her.
“You won’t have to much longer I imagine. Helanna probably wants you feeling recovered but restless before she shows up again and tries to do whatever it is she’s doing. But I doubt she’ll want to wait very long. I give things a week at most before she is suddenly ‘freed from other obligations’ and comes to check on you.”
“Are we still going to give her some level of trust?”
“We’ll be hesitant at first. See how things develop. But I still think she feels safe.”
I nodded and closed my eyes. “Okay. A week, maybe less. I can deal with that.”
I could not, in fact, deal with it. Three more days of trying to relearn how to walk with a lump of useless bullshit stuck on my severed leg that didn’t move right. Three more days of garden strolls that made me wonder where the guards were hiding or if they really thought I was so little of a flight risk. Three more days of tests on my sight and hearing and reflexes and balance and how easy I got dizzy for some fucking reason. Three more days of lunches alone where I struggled not to break down. Three more days of training my arms (the one thing that didn’t make me angry) with my new buddy Vikkel who’s legs got fucked up when a steam powered tractor went out of control on him. Three more days of strained hours kissing and touching Jaina and pretending to not know.
The fourth day at physical therapy I fell for what felt like the millionth time and I snapped. I yelled at the man just trying to help me, threw the cheap prosthetic across the room and managed to wheel myself out of the room and down the hall before Jaina caught up to me. She took me back to my room and told me that I should just rest for the day, maybe try and get in a nap. She promised to tell the doc I wasn’t up to tests that day and headed off, leaving me alone with my frustration. I didn’t know what else to do so I took her advice, letting Carmilla hold me as I drifted off.
My dreams were angry and confusing and made me feel small and weak and useless. I saw my mother again, calling me an abomination and disappointment. I didn’t disagree with her. I found myself standing on the edge of a cliff, rain pouring around me and the sea beating against the rocks below. It was the way out. It was right. All I had to do was let go and stop fighting. I was so tired of hurting, of struggling, of failing at everything I did, of letting everyone I loved down. I stepped forward and the water rushed up to meet me.
I shot up gasping for air and shivering in the lingering cold from my dream. “F-fuck. What the-… fuck.” I dragged heavy breaths into my lungs and forced myself to just breathe. Telling myself over and over there was no water, I was okay. It was barely working, I felt almost like I was still in the dream and the world was only half real.
“Love? What’s wrong?” Carmilla’s voice was so filled with worry that I felt my stomach twist in knots with guilt that I knew I shouldn’t feel. I shouldn’t, right?
“N-nothing, nightmare, water and… fuck. I gotta pee.” Sighing, I turned and slid off of the bed and onto my feet. Or I tried to at least.
“Esme, what are you- Esme!” Carmilla yelled as I put weight on a foot that didn’t exist and toppled to the side. Still disoriented from the nightmare I couldn’t catch myself in time and my shoulder hit the floor hard.
“FUCK!” I screamed, pain spiking down my arm.
“Hey, hey I got you, calling for help now. You’re okay, love.” she spoke in soothing tones. I could see the glow of the call band as she activated it and I just lay there, knowing that I needed assistance simply to get off the floor and not able to do a gods damned thing about it.
Moments passed before Jaina rushed into the room and helped me up and back on the bed. A doctor was in shortly after to make sure I wasn’t seriously hurt, which thankfully I wasn’t. But I just felt… I felt like that me on the cliff in my dream.
The doctor left and Jaina stood by the bed and stroked my hair and I couldn’t stop the tears from coming. “I just, I just needed to fucking pee.” I sobbed out and covered my face with my hands.
She kept petting my head softly “This isn’t going to be easy, Esme.”
“You think I don’t fucking know that?!” I yelled through my tears.
“You don’t, you really don’t. I’ve seen plenty of people go through things like this and the ones who truly understand how hard it will be from day one are rare in the extreme. You’ll get through this, I know it. But it’s going to take a lot out of you, even for someone at tough as you are.” She leaned down and kissed the top of my head.
I felt shame and guilt wash over me again and uncovered my face. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-”
“It’s okay, it’s honestly part of the job for me.” She smiled and kissed my cheek. “Lets get you into the bathroom though, then I’ll bring you your lunch and we can get out of the room for a bit.”
Cleaned, fed, and back in the fucking wheelchair, I was brought out to the garden again and I found myself staring at a tree. It was a lovely thing with pale red streaks running through gray bark and branches that all curved softly upwards. The leaves were dangling strands of greed like a willow, but not nearly as long. Though this one was not doing so well, half of its branches seemed dead and most of the rest looked less than healthy. “Me too buddy.” I muttered towards it.
Jaina rolled me to a nearby bench and sat down so we could look at the pitiful thing together. “That’s a saint’s elm. Not actually divine or magic in any way, but supposedly the favorite tree of Saint Edragon. He was a Champion of one of Ovtrayl’s gods a couple thousand years ago. Most of our stories about him were lost when we became a vassal state and all of our old temples were torn down to make way for the Thundering Pantheon. But we remember the trees. He liked to use their fallen branches to make staves.” she spoke with a soft reverence, her eyes warm as she looked at the dying plant.
“Shouldn’t you be depressed that his favored tree is dying then?” I said, more bitterness in my tone than I meant.
“A group comes every day to treat it. Both mundane and magical treatments.”
“Will it work?” I knew what she was doing, but it was working anyway.
“Maybe. It’s been a few weeks since they started, hasn’t gotten better. But it stopped getting worse at least and that’s a better sign than you might think.”
“How do you know that I’m not getting any wo-”
“My sister is dying.” and just like that, I didn’t really care about how I was doing. I tried to think of something to say. Something to comfort or… I don’t know, anything that wouldn’t be stupid. But I came up empty. “She has fel tainted mana. A demon bit her a few years ago and infected her. There are treatments, ones that could potentially fully cure her. But they are expensive and require specialists that the war keeps in extremely high demand. Most of them work for the military at this point keeping our soldiers healthy and in the fight. With enough money I can get Aylin pushed up the line for treatment but right now all I can afford is medicine that keeps her alive.”
Words continued to fail me, all I could do was reach over and hold her hand. She wanted to cry, I could tell. But I imagine she’d cried enough over this pain already. I also knew that this meant Carmilla’s guess was an even more likely. The military had most of the people her sister needed so they had more to offer her than just the money for treatment. But I couldn’t bring it in me to hold it against her. Carmilla trusted her and I trusted Carmilla. I also had to think about how far I’d go for someone I loved, and the answer? Probably a lot further than Jaina was going. I was still upset at how things felt with my own issues, but I could at least empathize with the nurse.
She turned and gave me a forced smile. “You’re going to get through this. It will suck and the progress will probably take too damned long to see, but you’re okay. You’re recovering and I’ll do anything I can to help make sure that stays as true as possible.”
I took a breath and nodded. I don’t know if I felt that much better, but I felt worse about other things so I could suck it up and deal with my shit like an adult.
After that I managed to get in a small workout with Vikkel and learn a few words in oteva from him and Jaina before dinner. I spent the evening alone for once, I just wanted to think. Alone. Well, as alone as I ever got. Carmilla was an ever present gift, even if the frustration over the barrier between us was growing worse for me every day.
“So, do you want to talk about it, love?” She spoke to me, fingers running over my scalp.
“Just… it feels like I’m not accomplishing anything.”
“You realize it’s only been-”
“Yes, I know it’s only been a few fucking days.” I hissed the words out, then the guilt rushed through me “Shit, love, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve me acting like that towards you.”
“I really don’t. But I also understand that while you might have a high Willpower, that doesn’t somehow make you immune to stress and frustration. You’ve been dealing with one nightmare after another since you first woke up weeks ago, and I don’t think you’ve actually had any real rest in that time aside from being unconscious. Even your moments of enjoyment have had complications latched onto them like leeches.”
I sighed and nodded “I just wish I knew what I could do. I feel like all I’m doing is reacting to everything. Not actually making choices, not actually DOING something. You know?”
“I do love, I really do.” her lips pressed against my cheek.
“Actually, wait a second. What can I do?” I muttered to myself before pulling up my Status, something I hadn’t done since before my change. “… uh…”