Bolt Action Serenade

I told Carmilla about my dream, both the blurred memory of my former life and talking with the night sky goddess with a dick. I told her about how this goddess was apparently part of a group that had dragged me back from the edge of oblivion and set my body to change and gave me those powerful and strange conditions and told me that they were desperate and in danger and needed me to get stronger. Also have kids apparently.

She was silent for a long time, minutes ticking by without a word. But I felt her inside me, the movement and emotions reminding me of someone pacing nervously. I let her think, this wasn’t anything small and I wanted her to be able to process it at her own pace. But when the clock on the wall told me more than half an hour had passed I needed to say something to break my own building tension.

“I’m kinda stupid, did you know that?” Odd pick for topic change but it worked.

“What? You are not!” She immediately broke out of her mental spiral to keep me from insulting myself, I figured she would but that wasn’t the main reason I chose what I said.

“I am. Really! It hit me when I was looking at my reflection. I realized I don’t know what I used to look like, I never looked at myself after waking up in that transport. Even had a damn mirror in my hand while packing up to leave the transport and never used it to look at myself. Like, I looked at myself earlier and just understood the changes that had happened but after the awkwardness I realized I have no actual memory of ever seeing myself. I know what’s different, so I can sort of imagine it, but it’s just another super weird memory thing like how I keep remembering phrases and words and stuff without any context to them.”

“Not taking a chance to look at your own reflection while in a life or death situation does not make you stupid.” She said flatly, I could absolutely feel her arms being crossed in disappointment. I imagined that if I listened really hard I could probably hear her tapping her foot. The thought made me smile.

“No, no it doesn’t. But it made me think ‘what else have I missed or forgotten about or taken for granted?’ and let me tell you, there is a list.”

“A list of things you missed that you just put together in the time since you looked in the mirror? That’s been under an hour, love.” she sounded unconvinced.

“They never brought up Soul Containment again.”

“What? Oh, oh you’re right, they didn’t.”

“Days pass, Doc and Helanna get those runes examined and I would bet my life sent a request to look into that condition to some expert or another and yet nothing. Not even a single mention of it since that first interrogation.” I let her think on it for a few moments before I continued. “But there’s more than that. I wasn’t transported as an enemy soldier, I was put in a cabin normally reserved for one of their officers.”

“You weren’t exactly a threat love.” she said, though I could tell her gears were turning too.

“An enemy soldier with amnesia, extremely strange high rank conditions, and a mutation effect? No, they should have put me in a cell just to be on the safe side. I was so distracted by all that has happened since I woke up that I just didn’t think about it but I’ve been treated a lot nicer than makes sense.”

“But, Helanna-… no, no that didn’t make sense either, did it? Taking a chance at getting in serious trouble just to get laid? Even if it had been a while for her, that seems extreme, you’re right.” she was troubled, rather understandably.

“Thinking too small on that matter, love. Think about how we met her.” I prodded her to ponder deeper. “Does that make sense either?”

“Oh, damn, no. Why did they send a general, and more importantly one that’s normally stationed days away by priority train? They had to have someone closer and less important to interrogate a random injured enemy infantry soldier.” she whimpered “But I like her! She feels nice, she feels safe!” I hadn’t expected her to get this upset.

“Carmilla, love, what does that mean, she feels safe?”

“I don’t know how to explain it, it’s like a sense mortals don’t have. It’s kind of like how I can tell if a living being is sick, I use a sense that I’m not sure you could even comprehend. But she has a feeling about her that is just... safe. Like, there isn’t danger about her. At least in the ways I can sense. But maybe, maybe in ways that I can’t tell. Maybe she’s… oh! The doctor mentioned intelligence, that’s military liars, right? People that weaponize deception? I heard soldiers say things like that over the years.”

“That’s only a partial explanation for military intelligence, but fairly accurate yes. They both seek and hide information for military matters. Though I had that thought too. If she’s in intelligence then her being sent does make slightly more sense. But being a general is still a sticking point. There is something going on, something the Uvtrayl military knows about me that I’m in the dark on.”

“Something that is a big enough concern they’ll send someone important to fuck you for cooperation?”

“I’m not convinced it wasn’t just my charm that got her pants off.” She giggled and I felt her eyes roll “But yeah, something like that. Still, if you have a gut feeling that I can trust her, I’ll follow it.”

“Maybe do so hesitantly. Just for now. I want to trust her, but there is more to consider than I realized.”

“Actually, thinking on it now, what about that battlefield I woke up in?” I crossed my arms as I caught on to yet another hole in what was happening. “It was clearly Uvtrayl uniforms on the other guys and even if everyone on both sides had died, when no one reported back it should have caused higher ups to send someone to find out what had happened. Yet even more than a week later Helanna seemed honestly surprised to learn about the battle, or at least about poor dead Bernson’s passing in it. Unless she was doing a damned good job of acting.”

“That one I think we can trust her words on. Not just her surprise, but the likely cause. She told us that both sides have factions for and opposed to the war and Bernson was one of the ones vying for peace. What better way to weaken their position than one of their leaders not only dying, but doing so in a way that makes their position less attractive. Every member of a military convoy led by one such leader getting slaughtered to the last. All you’d have to do is sprinkle in some suggestion that they were possibly trying to surrender the entire time and you have people angry and more willing to fight.” She sounded pleased with herself, I was too to be honest. I wanted to kiss her in that moment. I was starting to think maybe brains were a turn on for me.

“You think it was a false flag operation?”

“Not necessarily. Helanna did seem to think it possible that the warmonger factions of both sides have some level of cooperation. If so, maybe the Uvtrayl unit that attacked was lead by a shield-bearer, sent unknowingly to the same end for the same political goals. Turning your enemies against each other would be a wise move for long term planning. You would just need people from one or both sides to make sure things kept going until all of the opposing faction members were killed, then clean up witnesses. Very simple to do in an active combat zone.”

I smiled “Have I told you how sexy it is that you’re so smart?” I could feel something that I interpreted as a blush, a small spread of warmth and a desire to hide. “So how are you feeling about my dream?”

She shifted and it felt like she was lying against my side. She was quiet again but only for a few moments this time. “She told you to trust me with the truth, which is a mark in her favor. But she and her fellows are apparently desperate to the point of being sloppy and making mistakes. She said that they, and you, are in danger due to what they are doing. Those two factors are not a combination that encourages optimism.”

“True, but I think that they are being more careful now that they have more than a few hours to throw together a plan to not die. Which I really wish I had more details on.”

“You need to grow stronger. She said so. You will be safer then.” I felt a hand stroking my face softly as she spoke.

“Kinda big problem there. I’m a prisoner of war, and even if I wasn’t…” I looked down at my missing limb. “If that mutation thing was able to make me like this, why not use it to regrow my leg?”

“I don’t think it could have. It was made to change, adapt, take advantages and enhance them. Not to heal. It was not truly intelligent, even less so than I was as a fragment in a triage band. After it grew in intensity it was much easier to examine and I could see a pattern in it. Helanna was right, though I think we know that now. It didn’t have any sort of behavior set to fix significant damage. It was only meant to make you… well, this. An agent of a powerful being, this night sky goddess of yours.”

“Of ours, love. Remember, the mutation effect enhanced you as well.”

She huffed “I suppose that is another point in her favor as well, though I don’t like the idea of being toyed with.”

I smiled “That makes two of us, but after what I’ve been through I can understand the urge to do anything you have to for the sake of survival.”

Phantom arms curled around my neck and held me. “I suppose I can as well. I’d do anything to keep you alive and well, love. Even cross quite a few moral lines, if I’m being honest.” There was a pause and her voice softened into worry. “Do you think she did that to me as well?”

“Did what?”

“Made me love you. I know that I do, and while I can certainly justify the feeling considering your rescue of me from a truly horrid centuries long experience. I can’t help but feel like it’s been too fast. Do mortals fall in love so quickly?” She just said it, no dancing around it, no use of words in a way that allowed some deniability. How was I supposed to not feel butterflies in my stomach?

“I… think some people think so? I don’t know that I agree, I’m not sure how you can love someone before actually getting to know them but the term ‘love at first sight’ is one I can remember. Maybe people get some kind of obsession, lust or something, and they get lucky as they grow closer and it becomes love without them realizing what they felt at first wasn’t. But I’m also the brain damaged one here and missing my entire life.” I shrugged.

“So you think that either I’m not really in love, or that she did implant the feelings in me?”

“I am not arrogant enough to speak on your feelings. Maybe it really is love, maybe as an elemental you just experience it differently somehow, maybe you know me better than I realize. Or maybe she did something, made the feelings in you entirely or just made then easier for you to gain on your own somehow. But I’m not going to insult your emotions on the matter in either case. If you tell me you love me, I’ll accept that love as such.”

“Well I do.” she forced confidence into the words, likely pushing to convince herself that the feelings were real as much as she was me. “I love you. So stop almost dying.”

“I’ll do my best, love.” I couldn’t say it back yet, my heart was a bit jumbled on the matter. Due in no small part to the fact that something like half the time we’d spent together I was either unconscious or in a greatly diminished mental state. But I could feel myself growing fond of her rapidly.

She punched me softly in the side “You had better, I don’t want to spend another night wondering if you’ll wake up again.”

“My absolute best, and I’ll even make sure to ask for all the help I need.” I felt her press her face into my neck and squeeze me. “Though I do have a question. You love me, so why did you encourage Helanna to seduce me so hard, and why seem so pleased that it worked?”

“Why wouldn’t I want you to be happy?” She sounded confused, like I felt by her response.

“Well I mean, don’t relationships mean two people committed to each other exclusively? Why would you encourage a possible rival for my affections?”

“Mortals, I swear. You creatures have to over-complicate everything in the most foolish of ways. Emotions are not a finite resource, giving your love to one person does not lessen the love you have to give to another. Maybe some prefer exclusively paired mating, but it seems like a waste for sapient beings. Particularly with the prospect of sexual gratification outside of mating purely for reproduction.”

“I…” I thought about what she was saying and it kinda made a lot of sense. After pondering for a minute I formed a response “So, you’re saying you’re okay with me sleeping around?”

“No you twit, I’m saying I’m happy if you form connections with others. I’m happy if you are. Just going around and fucking random strangers is not something I will accept. But finding others that make you feel happy, others that you make happy? The idea of doing anything to stop that is repugnant in my eyes.”

“Oh, okay that feels better.” I took a breath, I’d been slightly worried she was encouraging me to mindlessly slut it up and I didn’t know how I’d feel about it. But that? Ethical non-monogamy? That sounded kinda nice actually. Huh, that phrase sounded familiar. It triggered a new word to drag itself from the muck off my mind. “Polyamory.” I felt the word in my mouth, like I could taste the meaning. “I think that’s a word that means what you were talking about.”

“Then it is a good word.” she said, kissing my cheek softly and making me feel myself blush.