(BL) Hunting The Field Guide

Rhys, Hill and Taylor looked fairly relieved with Kellen's response to the news about Brent. It almost made Kellen want to laugh.

"Did you honestly think I was going to have a negative reaction to hearing about where Brent was?" Kellen asked the three Espers and Hill and Taylor shared a look.

"Well, we just weren't sure. We had no idea what mental state you would be in when you woke up, especially considering how you came out, and everything that followed it." Taylor told him softly, as if she was trying to gentle Kellen. Kellen stared at them, turning his gaze to Rhys who seemed the most conflicted.

"Is that why you waited until now?" Kellen asked and Hill flinched.

"I'm sorry. We should have told you sooner, but…it wasn't the Captain who told us to wait. It was…Casper." Hill said softly and Kellen sat with that information for a moment. Casper had told them to hold off.

Well, he couldn't really get mad at that information. Casper…well, he had some reason to have a little bit of animosity towards Kellen from the whole Gunther situation. Kellen could understand that, and he was a fellow Guide. He would probably not consider the Gunther situation when advising them and probably just didn't want to overstress Kellen.

With saying that, it was like they forgot who Kellen was as soon as he passed out coming out of the gate. He was a damn professional, and while the members who had gone into the gate had said that Brent wasn't in there, it would have been nice to know right away that they were right.

Kellen sighed, shaking his head, and the three Espers around him looked nervous.

"I'm not upset that you didn't tell me right away, I'm just…disappointed." Kellen told them, turning to look at Rhys. Rhys' flashlight eyes were sad, big, and full of remorse.

"I'm sorry Kellen. I should have said something right away. If it was me, I would want to, I just-" Kellen shook his head and Rhys shut up immediately.

"I just said I'm not upset. Don't make me upset by apologising. You did what Casper suggested, so own that." Kellen told him and Rhys gulped, nodded, and then let out a deep sigh.

"I know you just said not to apologise, but I feel I have to. Seeing now that a weight has been clearly lifted off of your shoulders…I should have done it sooner. I should have trusted my gut but I'm just so messed up from-" Rhys shut up when Kellen, not really able to use his hands, bumped against Rhys' shoulder.

"Shut up." Kellen told him with affection. "You're running on fumes. I get it. Your brain isn't working so great. That's okay. It's a terribly stressful situation and I don't expect anyone to be perfect." Kellen felt his lips turn up slightly. "Well, maybe I expect myself to be perfect, but no one else." Kellen said with amusement while Hill and Taylor let out a sigh. Hill shook her head, her gaze slowly drifting from the vibrant orange of her stressed, overpowered self to the soft brown they normally were.

"Kellen, I am sorry. More sorry about the fact that I didn't even-that this even happened in the first place." Hill said softly and Kellen furrowed his brows. What the hell was she apologising for? For Brent being yoinked in the first place? That was ridiculous.

"Don't you even start that line of thought. How the hell were you going to prepare for something that I doubt even Brent thought they would do. Has anyone told Sergei or his people yet where Brent is? Since we're all tiptoeing around the fact that the man went insane when Brent disappeared?" Kellen asked and Taylor snorted, then slapped her hand over her mouth. Her green eyes danced, amusement there and Kellen grinned. "What? We all know it's true. It's funny now because we can ask, or I can ask some of our people to keep an eye on him. If I'm not completely mistaken, my Aunt Dina might be dangerously close to Brent. For the people who kidnapped him." Kellen clarified and Hill and Rhys seemed thoughtful.

"I know we sent Pamela back to the city so that she could work her magic, but I'll have her reach out. No, we haven't woken up Sergei yet." Hill hesitated, before Rhys spoke up.

"Actually…while I would hate to admit it or have you near another S Class so close to surging, we wanted you to tell him. Not us, his people suggested it. You're closest to him. Sergei would probably take the news best from you." Rhys said, his gaze hardening for a moment. Kellen stared at the man thoughtfully.

Given his current state, it was a great concession on his part to say that. Kellen nudged him again with his shoulder, smiling at him.

"I wouldn't do it alone. You're there with me. Sergei would understand that, especially in the state that he's in, and why he's in that state." Kellen told Rhys, and watched as Rhys' shoulders relaxed. It was then that Kellen realised just how bad Rhys was doing right now.

He knew that the man was unwell. It was obvious to anyone who looked at him, but for the man to think that Kellen wouldn't have him at his side?

Kellen winced. Okay, so maybe he had a role to play in that, given that he'd gone into the gate alone. Maybe he shouldn't think that Rhys didn't know him and instead knew him too well. It was going to take a lot of work, and Rhys not being in the condition that he was, for the man to understand that Kellen had no desire to do what he just did again.

"Thank you." Rhys said softly, and Kellen felt his heart ache.

"Rhys, I'm not going to do it again." Kellen told him, being upfront. Rhys blinked a few times, before his lips twisted up in a kind of smile that Kellen never wanted to see again as soon as he saw it.

Resigned acceptance. Like he had no choice but to accept it when it happened again.

"I don't want to change you so that I lose you." Rhys said and Kellen glanced towards HIll and Taylor, both women's eyes wide before Hill grabbed Taylor's arm and pulled her out of the room. Kellen turned back to Rhys, sadness filling him.

"It wasn't-I wasn't-" Kellen felt like all of his words were excuses. Everything he wanted to say were a thick knot of words in his chest, but even in his mind's ear he didn't like the sound of them. Kellen opened his mouth before he closed it a few times, eventually just sighing and staring at the other man. "Rhys," Kellen began,"what I did to you? The whole situation? Asking you to wait for me? It wasn't fair of me." Kellen told him and Rhys gave him a look so understanding that it made Kellen's chest ache.

"What you asked of me wasn't unfair, Kellen. You just…treated me like any Esper would treat a Guide." Rhys said softly. "It took me some time to come to terms with that, yes, but I love you enough that I can stand back and wait for you. Even if it breaks my heart, I can do it." Rhys' devotion to him killed Kellen.

"I don't want you to do that again." Kellen told him, his throat closing with the emotions he was feeling. "I don't want you to have to do that again. I don't want to hurt you anymore. Please, please don't tell me you'll wait for me again. Not like this. I don't like seeing you like this. Carving away parts of yourself isn't loving me, Rhys. That's…I don't want our relationship to be toxic in a different way." Kellen told him and Rhys blinked, before his eyes widened. He watched in shock as Kellen's eyes watered and a tear spilled over.

"Don't cry, Kellen." Rhys' voice cracked, his hand reaching out as he looked stricken. "Please. I can't control myself if you do." Rhys begged and Kellen shook his head.

"What am I supposed to do? You just told me you would give parts of yourself away, wither away just to watch me leave you behind. I don't want that. This was such a fucked up situation that no one reacted well. We both know that, but I don't want you to think I want to repeat it. I never want to repeat it. Next time something like this happens, you're going to be at my side. I can't do it alone again." Kellen told him, his voice giving away to a whisper because his emotions swallowed him.

Kellen dropped his head, his frame shaking as Rhys reached for him.

"Kellen, please, don't cry. I'm not allowed to kiss you right now. I can't comfort you." Rhys was pleading, and Kellen just shook his head.

"I can't stop. You have no idea how much guilt is inside of me for doing what I did. I want to get over it. I want to put it behind us, but being here, seeing the condition you're in, how you're doubting me? It tears me apart." Kellen wasn't even sure Rhys could hear the words he was saying, his throat so tight it hurt to get words out.

"Kellen, it's okay. You don't have to keep speaking." Rhys' voice also sounded strained. Both of them were getting emotional.

"I do! I need you to know that I don't want to do it again. I need to tell you over and over so that you get it. That you understand that I know I messed up. I know that it's cost you something, a piece of you that you might never get back. It cost me something too, and I realised that I don't want to bear that cost ever again." Kellen's sheets covering his lap were covered in little splash marks from his tears. Rhys was breathing heavily beside him, like he was a barely contained beast.

Then, Rhys' hand gripped his chin, tilting his face back and Rhys' gaze was emotional. Full of feelings and fears and Kellen's mouth opened slightly.

"I'll get a blood test later. I need to kiss you." Rhys whispered before his lips covered Kellen's. Kellen didn't fight it, leaning into the kiss. It was everything he wanted. He could feel how possessive Rhys was, how anxious, how desperate the man was for him.

Kellen hoped that Rhys could feel the same from the way that Kellen was kissing him back. How hard Kellen wanted to reach up and run his fingers through his hair, hold him in place, feel the man against him.

It was a damn crime that his body was riddled with poison right now. A crime so severe that Kellen wanted to scream into the void that it was unfair that after everything he had gone through, he couldn't share his body heat with this man. Couldn't offer comfort and seek comfort.

It was a cruelty that Kellen wouldn't forget.

Next time, they would get poisoned together. Next time, they would go hand in hand. It wasn't a question. It was a promise.