Believe In The Weird and Wild (Star vs. the Forces of Evil x Steven U)

Summary:

How much!?

The knight stood there, standing guard and looking out as the others dragged the boy inside. The man denied the honor of being a knight, saying he had 'grown out of it'. The absolute disgrace! It was their duty as knights to bring justice upon him. "Don't worry guys, this shouldn't take long. I'll be out in a second." The deserter waved to his companions as he was taken into the other room."

"I know Marco's good, but are we trusting him unarmed against ten other knights?" The woolet asked. "For that matter, are you guys really okay with ganging up against one teenager? It seems a little one sided and dishonorable."

"For those that desert the noble calling of Knighthood, we have no mercy towards." He explained his perfectly logical reasoning.

"Isn't that taking things just a bit too far?" The former princess questioned. "We barely come to Mewni as it is anymore, shouldn't that be enough for you?"

"We're already letting a lot slide." He snided. "Letting monsters live in the kingdom. If we weren't honor bound from the moment we were born, we would have caused a mutiny against the deranged queen."

"It wasn't until now that I realized just how thick headed the knights really are." The former prince grumbled before sighing. "Look, we're really just here to catch up with some friends, so can't we just take the easy way out for once and not cause a ruckus?"

"You may be the old prince, but you no longer have old power." He said to the boy related to the Rose Guard. "Now we serve ourselves, for the glory of knight hood. The brave, the fearless, the determined!"

"AAAHHH!!" And now one of the knights was running out, screaming like a little girl. "Move move move!!" They shouted, before a lasso tied around their necks. "Nonononono!" And proceed to drag them back in.

About a minute later the traitor known as 'Marco Diaz' came out, dusting off his hands. "Man, didn't even need to break out the gloves." There were over ten elite knights in there, and they were all taken out by a single human teenager.

"... It's times like this I forget how badass our entire group is." Star Butterfly pointed out. "Such a shame this dimension sucks so much now. The four of us alone could protect this place a lot better … heck, we have, tons of time already in fact."

"Eh, I've gotten a taste for more exploring and adventuring than defending these days." The woolet shrugged. 

"Ironic considering I have the shield and karate is all about self defense." Quartz Butterfly laughed. "So, when's Pony supposed to get here?"

"She said she'd be here waiting for us." Star Butterfly looked at her hand mirror. "Oh she better not have called us only to get distracted making out with Seahorse. That would be the fifth time this month."

"Oh, so she finally got with someone?" The woolet questioned. "I kinda just assumed she only did it casually or loved being single, like Peridot."

"Oh, she's super casual about it, she's had like twelve ex's by this point." The former prince explained. "She broke them off because they, and I quote, 'couldn't love her more than she loves herself'."

"As if she needs someone to fuel that ego." The ex knight deadpanned, looking at a servant running to them. "Hey, no need to rush, it's not like we're running anywhere."

He finally reached the group, panting. "Queen Eclipsa has been kidnapped!" … 

"What?!" The four teenagers shouted in shock, fear, and confusion.

"Finally, someone grew a pair and did it." The Knight said with very little regret. He finally won that betting pool.

"You do realize you guys spent the time you were supposed to be guarding the queen to beat me up in a dark room, right?" Marco Diaz raised a finger. "Something that you failed at, miserably and pathetically I might add."

"... Well there goes my job." He sighed, walking down the hall. Time to look for other careers in his life … maybe knitting?

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"I don't get it." The warm pink one with stars on his face said while he held her as that weird group came into the room. "How would someone kidnap Eclipsa? She's like, one of the most dangerous people we know." He was talking about mommy, and mommy wasn't here right now. Did they know where Mommy was? Was she going to be giving her chocolate for breakfast again? And when would be the best time to bite the red hooded guy?

"Must have separated her from the wand. The woman never quite mastered dipping down." The one with heart cheeks spoke, looking at the messy room. "And with no guards … yeah, they might have caught her off guard. Maybe even threaten Meteora to get her in a compromising position." She said, picking her up, rubbing Meteora's back. It felt nice and full of warmth.

"At least whatever psychos we're dealing with, they're not deranged enough to kidnap a baby." The talking bush said while looking at Meteora strangely. "So hard to believe that little rascal right here was trying to kill us a couple months ago." Meteora giggled, not comprehending what they were saying. She was a lovely little girl according to Mommy.

"Yep, the crazy woman is now an adorable and innocent baby." She bit the red hooded guy's hand. "... That has an irrational hatred of me specifically."

"Hssssssh! " She hissed at the boy, a sudden spike of immense anger and hatred welling up in her head from hearing his voice, before going back into trying to pat the heart girl's face.

"Well who wouldn't hate you, Earth turd?" A floating pony head came flying into the room. It must have been lost, it was missing its body. "So, what's the deal with the trashed room? We're throwing another rager in the monster castle?"

"No, although we could probably do that now without someone trying to crash it." The warm pink one said, before shaking his head. "Eclipsa was kidnapped and we don't know where to start."

"Omg, we're doing with a total mystery and or murder case on our hands, I know exactly what to do." The floating head pulled out a tiny mirror from her tongue and started clink something on it. "I've been watching a lot of detective and true crime shows lately. First we let everyone know what happened."

"What, no! That's the last thing we should be doing!" The heart faced girl shouted. "That would cause mass panic!"

"Too late, already updated the Queen's status." The horse showed off a picture of her mommy, where the words 'just got kidnapped' were printed below the picture. She must've been playing a serious game of hide and seek. 

"So now the kidnappers know we're on their trail, leaving behind any sense of subtlety or surprise we had…great." The red hooded bastard sighed. "Can't you cook up a 'view the past' spell? Or a fingerprint scanner spell?"

"Hard pass on the 'view the past' one, not messing with Time magic." The heart girl answered before she snapped her fingers. "Wait, the all seeing eye spell, of course! I should be used to dark magic enough by now to use it again."

"How is it that we always manage to come back around to using this spell over and over again?" The pink warm one questioned.

"Bawwaaa!" Meteora clapped her hands, giving a raspberry to the group.

"You heard the baby, you can't beat the convenience it gives us." The blonde closed her eyes as a black light glowed from her hands. "I summon the All-Seeing Eye to tear a hole into the sky. Reveal to me that which is hidden. Unveil to me what is forbidden."

A black and misty looking cloud appeared in the middle of the room, before the picture cleared up, and showed off her Mommy, who had ropes around her that kept her to a chair, as well as some weird green thing on top of her head.

"Shadow one, for the last time, why do you never bring the knives when it's your turn for supplies?" Someone in a dark cloak said as they floated behind her mommy. Behind him, they seemed to be behind a wall of fire.

"Because you know I have a shop object phobia man, we've talked about this. I'm perfectly fine with cattle prods and electric rods, but no blades."Another one in a dark cloak replied.

"You don't need to use them, moron, just grab them by the handles and put them in a crate for the rest of us to-oh shoot, we have an audience."The first one in the dark cloak spoke, turning to them.

"No no, keep talking. Go along with whatever important conversation you're having, we'll wait." The talking bush waved off with a weird looking smile.

"Wait, really?" The second one asked. "Usually they just tell us to let them go or else, thank you for being kind." The second one bowed.

"She was being sarcastic, you idiot! They clearly just want more time to figure out where we are!"

"You know I'm tone deaf! I told you this constantly."

The first one sighed, turning to them. "Give us a thousand pounds of gold, or else we kill her by midnight."

"You'll never … seriously?" The pink one asked with confusion. "This is just for money?"

"Yeah, we need the cash. Kidnapping the queen seemed like the safest bet."

"Huh … kinda refreshing to fight a non racist." The heart one spoke, half deflated.

"We hate politics, we're perfectly reasonable criminals that just want to mind our own business once it's all said and done."

"Alright, we just need to get some gold, and we're done!" The red hooded one shouted. "So where's the royal vault?"

Mommy gave a nervous chuckle. "According to Moon … ransacked by Mina Loveberry quite a while ago, partially why I've been focusing more on my magical development."

"You chose to reveal that to us now of all times!?" The heart cheek one yelled.

"You never asked me for money! I thought you were fine as it was." They called back. "And it hasn't helped that we technically have no citizens to tax. Well, there are the monsters, but most don't comprehend the concept of currency all that well."

"Look, we don't care where or how you get the money. " The first shadow interrupted. "Just get it to us by midnight or it's bye-bye Queenie." The screen vanished, leaving the room silent for a minute.

"Alright, I've got ten dollars and a gift card for Kiki's Pizza." The pink warm one reached into their pockets.

"I managed to store up to six hundred and thirty, along with a fifty percent discount for Quest Buy." The red hooded one pulled out a bunch of locks that looked fun to break.

"I hunted everything back in OOO and ate the walls of the candy kingdom whenever I wanted dessert. I've been broke for months." The talking bush said while rubbing her head.

"No problem, no problem, we just now have a ticking time clock on trying to locate Eclipsa." The heart faced one said with sweat on her brow before punching a hole into the wall. "She was surrounded by fire, so that narrows things down location wise.

"Alright folks, you hear that, let's head on down to the underworld for a manhunt!" The floating pony shouted into a mirror.

"What are you doing?" The bastard asked.

"Streaming our awesome detective work on my profile. I've already got three thousand views and counting."

"Ponyhead, that's going to get us ki-did you say three thousand?" Now confused, the heart one looked at the mirror. "Wow … I think the Mewmans are genuinely concerned!"

"Yeah, let's just look at the comments and…who…nope, nope, can't even pronounce that." The warm pink one scrolled down. "..Least they're not being forced like last time…"

"Don't sugar coat it Steven, nows not the time." The heart one sighed. "Just let the idiots say what we want, we got a Queen to save."

"Baawaaaah!" Meteora cheered. This looked like an amazing game of hide and seek!

"Oh right … we have a baby that most people would throw in a ditch." The red hooded one noted. "Who wants to stay behind and look after … guys?" He looked around, seeing they were all alone, and her stomach was starting to growl, and he didn't look like he needed his arms all that much. "Ah..nice baby…?"

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"We ran through three different places all over Mewni … and nothing." Star growled, sitting next to a wall. "And the Mewmans just keep … saying it's better that she's gone." She could see dark sparks out of the corner of her eyes.

"Maybe you should try to… not look at the comment section every five minutes?" Her brother suggested. "It's not like they're yelling their opinions in our ears."

"You should give up!" A mewman shouted as they walked by.

"...Mewmans are naturally jerks for the most part, we already knew that." Her brother corrected himself. "Come on, what happened to the hopeful Star back at the cornball game?"

"That Butterfly had her hope in the next generation. This Star Butterfly is constantly being reminded why I lost hope in Mewni to begin with." Star growled as black fire shot out of her eyes. "Kids are free of sin, all others must burn to the ground."

"So this is 'Dark Star'." Kelly noted. "Never expected her to hyper regress into a maniac."

"Luckily being Monster Steven gave me a lot of experience." Steven winced at the sight, before sighing."IYou'll be alright Star, we'll find Eclipsa, we're closer every second … just relax and think over what we've gotten so far for clues."

"What clues!? All we've been doing is going on wild goose chases!" Star yelled, shooting her magic right at a nearby cabbage cart.

"There's a lot of clues we have." Ponyhead noted. "We know they have the ability to travel fast, they managed to get into the castle, and that they know a lot of hidden locations."

"That basically explains like, over half the people we know. Most of our friends have the capability to do something like that on a whim." She groaned, nothing about this situation bringing her any closer to feeling better.

"I personally think the biggest clue is the one thousand pounds." Kelly shrugged. "Doesn't that seem a bit specific?"

"Yeah, if you're going to try and ransom with the Queen of Mewni's life on the line, you'd think they'd ask for…a hundred thousand pounds, or a million pounds." Steven questioned. "Just one thousand seems to be on the small scale."

"If they're Mewman, then they're probably just being idiots, which is nothing new." Star rolled her eyes.

"But we've established that they are not." Steven stood up and began pacing. "If this was about Mewman stuff they would have just taken her out and been done with it, but they wanted money and-" There was a crinkle noise. "… Sorry Star, stepped on your bag."

" It's fine, I've needed to empty it out anyway." She groaned, letting all the garbage that had piled up inside. "Might as well leave it there, Mewni's already so full of trash that it'll hardly make a difference.

"Don't be like that. There could be something important in here you overlooked." Steven leaned down, pulling a piece of paper. "Like this receipt for all the damaged equipment we blew up for that tv show for. …" His eyes widened. "...for a thousand pounds of gold's worth …"

"The exact amount of the ransom!" Kelly pounded her fist. "Reflectacore's behind the kidnapping! Wait, Pony, that means…!"

"Seahorse betrayed me! What a shocking and totally unexpected twist!" Ponyhead acted in the usually over dramatic way Star was used to hearing her talk, even taking a sad selfie to boot.

"So this entire thing is just debt collection … alright." Star stood up. "Alright then, we finally got a decent clue, let's go destroy Reflectacore."

"You got that, viewing audience! We've found the culprit, and we're now going to blow up a super and shady evil corporation!" Ponyhead hammed it up for the stream. "Finally, they'll pay for all the times they've ripped us off with overpriced data plans!"

"Wouldn't be the first evil corp, it won't be the last." Kelly agreed, pulling out her sword.

"Pony. You know as your best friend, I don't mind, or at least put aside, the crazy antics you usually put us through." Star told her best Mewni friend. "But…don't you think you've taken the stream just a little bit far?"

"Not at all. We're at fifty thousand views, and the likes just started to get positive!" The horse head shouted. "Mostly for the evil company takedown thing, but it's something." Meh, she'd take it … needed something to improve this day.

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Rhodonite had never been more terrified in her life. The traitorous group known as the Crystal Gems were standing right before them and prepared to do who knows what with whatever horrifying and dangerous acts of treason to them! "We shouldn't be here! They'll shatter us without thinking! In a blink of an eye, they'll wipe us off from the face of this planet! Lars said it was a safe place!"

"Our Captain…said….the crystal gems….were….friends of Steven…." Fluorite answered slowly and calmly. A skill that Rhodonite desperately lacked and even more desperately needed.

"Steven is Lar's friend. Our Captain trusts him. And we trust our captain." Ruitle continued, even if they looked just as frightened as she was at being near the traitorous gems.

"I predict we are faced with certain death." Even retrospectively, Padparadscha scared them all.

"Well there's not much else we can do. Lars is committing the human hang out. We're on our own." Rutile sighed.

"It's not like our captain trying to get us shattered, he cares too much about us to let that happen, right?" Rhodonite asked, starting to feel doubtful about what she assumed was a fact. "RIGHT!?"

"She's definitely a Rhodonite alright." The small Amethyst snorted. "Didn't think anyone would get whinier than when you formed them, but here I am. Guess some things are just universal."

"Don't be rude Amethyst." The fusion known as Garnet spoke, smiling at them. "I get it, fusion, it's nice. I love seeing another fusion in action." The smile made their skin crawl.

"Well at least someone can keep reason in the group." The Peridot spoke with a shrug. "Even if it's weird.

"I can keep plenty of sound reasonability." The Pearl spoke, looking down. "And they're not weird, their traits are perfectly normal, isn't that right?"

"I predict the Crystal Gems will make everyone uncomfortable." Their Sapphire spoke up in response.

The silence became thick and consuming, the dangerous crystal gems stopping their verbal assault on them, before the Amethyst held her breath before bursting out in laughter, falling on her back. "Hahahaha…sorry, sorry…it's just…that was too perfectly timed I couldn't resist. No wonder Star likes this one."

"I mean I found it funny." The Lapis spoke up with a grin. "And seriously, they could be worse. Trust me, it was a lot more violent with punching."

"I mean, a physical assault would be better than a verbal one." Rhodonite held Padparadscha close. "Why do you feel the need to poke at our flaws like that?"

"Flaws, what are you…oh right…you're fresh off of Homeworld." The lone ownerless Pearl blinked in realization. "I assure you, we weren't trying to insult you in any shape or form. We were just expressing appreciation for your life choices."

"Why would you appreciate us? We were born wrong." Rutile looked despondent.

"Dude, you guys don't seem as weird and freaky as some of the stuff you'd see in other dimensions. To us you're just as normal as everyone else we meet." The Amethyst shrugged.

"But…how can….we….be seen….as normal?" Fluorite was just as disbelieving as the rest of them. "We're…different cuts…mixed together….we've..gone outside our functions…"

"If you see it as wrong, then why stay how you are?" The Lapis stated. "You could've stayed split and that would be the end of it."

"It … hurts to be apart." Rhodonite hugged herself. "We can't help it … it's … lonely." It hurts. You're safe.

"You're staying together because you want to stay together." The Garnet nodded with a simple smile. "Homeworld may have you think that it's wrong, but here on earth, you're allowed to do what you want. You can choose your own path, your own function, and no one will try to shatter you for it."

"I predict that they will try and tell us we're good gems." Padparadscha spoke up. "... I call clod."

"Is saying clod whenever something ridiculous happens just a tiny gem thing?" Amethyst asked the Peridot.

"I'll have you know that my frequent use of the word clod has no association to do with my stature." The green one cleared their throat. "I understand what you're all thinking. The Crystal Gem's proposed way of life seems chaotic, problematic, and ludicrous on every level…and you wouldn't be mistaken on that front. It's that and so much more." 

"So you're completely miserable?" Rhodonite questioned.

"In the beginning I was. Without some designation function to oversee my progress, I was at a loss for what to do with myself. But living on this planet has been…freeing! I've traveled to other dimensions, built robonoids for my own personal leisure, and I called Yellow Diamond a Clod and lived!"

"So earth makes you lose sanity." Rhodonite spoke, backing away just a tad. "How did you even survive?"

"Simple, by bracing that insanity, I became untouchable and unstoppable." The green one smiled.

"It was over a communicator." The quiet Lapis corrected.

"Same difference." 

"Could you guys quiet down?" Spoke a new voice, walking outside. "I just put Pumpkin to sleep." It was … it was …

"ROSE QUARTZ!!" Everyone shouted, jumping behind the red house.

"It's the anti gem, she'll shatter us all!" Rhodonite cried out.

"Oh dear, I almost completely forgot that she was staying here.. no offense." The Pearl turned to the most dangerous gem who ever existed.

"None taken. I know my role." The pink fiend shrugged before blinking. "Anti gem … did I just get called an anti god?" They asked. "That's pretty cool."

"Relax, that's not even the same Rose Quartz. We freed one of the bubbled ones trapped at the human zoo." The Amethyst explained. "She literally does nothing but mind her own business…again, no offense. You do you."

"None taken, I'm used to taking punishment." They shrugged. "Lets see, we got an orange Sapphire, two headed Rulite, a fusion and …" The apparently different Rose Quartz paused. "Quite the large specimen of a gem."

"I … always thought … you were a … myth …"

"And I never knew so many gems could stay fused all at once." The pink one tilted their head curiously. "Actually, it's hard to tell you're a fusion. You come all together so naturally."

"And you … seem so … casual …"

"What can I say, the sky rolls on and we are the balls it rolls." The two of them chuckled, as the Crystal gems stared with a bit of restrained horror.

"Don't tell us we're seeing what I think we're seeing." The Pearl looked at the Garnet.

"I predict Fluorite and the Rose Quartz will spark something between them as the rest of us watch on in terror." Padparadscha stated with a wince in her tone.

"Come on Padparadscha, compared to Agate this is still the second creepiest flirting Fluorite has done." Rhodonite patted the little gem.

"And it's not worse than Lars and Emerald. Or what happened on Viscosia."

"Well, as those two…do that…" The Garnet shuddered. "Now's as good a time as ever to clear up a few misconceptions about what happened six thousand years ago."

"We already know what happened. Rose Quartz emerged from the depths of hell, went crazy and shattered her diamond, forcing the rest of the diamond authority to destroy the planet."

"You mean the planet that you're currently standing on full of organic life of all kinds?" The Pearl questioned

"…In hindsight, we have been living in a hole for thousands of years." Rhodonite suddenly realized that she's never actually been a place, physically or mentally, to question the facts.

"Did worshiping Rose Quartz save you? Is the anti-god rumor real?" Rutile asked. "Would that make them a sun goddess?"

"Let's start at the beginning. Six thousand years ago, back when Pink Diamond created her first line of Quartz soldiers.."

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Ponyhead watched as B-fly broke into the warehouse. "Alright you business bastards, here's a new contract!" She shouted. "Let her go or eat ultraviolet rainbows!" She knew that B-flyby would be perfect for uping the drama.

"...I don't think UV's can be seen." Q-fly brought up some boring factoid. "I think Connie said that to me once or twice."

"Then they better get working on untying her!"

"Actually, could you give me a few seconds before you do?" The Queen said as that green bug helmet thingy was still on her. "I'm about to clear this level."

"Wait, level?" Q-fly walked up to the tied up queen and pulled it off. "It's a VR helmet?"

"Yes, these nice people asked me to help test a new piece of equipment." The woman chuckled. "So far it's worked marvelously."

"As soon as we get all the bugs out, Reflectacore's stock will go up." Seahorse floated over to them. "Thanks to your guys' constant interdimensional travels, our CEO realized that we can make more money investing in technology if we can adapt it to magical crystal power. Ponyhead suggested we get Eclipsa as our first beta tester."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Kelly shouted as she pointed ascusedly at her. "Pony put you up to this!? She's behind the kidnapping!?"

"Yeah, she even suggested putting up an ARG with clues to help solve a missing person's case. Thanks babe, the boss really loves this, I may be getting a raise." He kissed her gorgeous cheek.

"Aw, no big, you know how it is. My natural awesomeness just shines and makes everyone's life better." She congratulated herself.

"Pony…why?" Star's eyes started blinking weirdly. "Why for the love of corn did you put us through this wild goose chase!?"

"Cause you all were getting all moppy and weird about trying your hardest to get Eclispa liked, so it is my duty as your BFFFE, Best Forever Friend For Eternity, to do the job myself." She stated proudly. "And what's more likable than appealing to their sense of revulsion to people in pain?"

"But, but the constant teleportation, and the guys in cloaks…" Q-fly was still confused

"Also new technology, supplied from Phineas and Ferb." Seahorse lifted a mask and put it on, a light changing him into one of the dark figures. "Check it out, voice modulator and everything. The walls were lined with the same tech, allowing us to look like we could appear anywhere."

"I got my sisters to put them on and act out the show, even if it cost me five months of dessert to convince them."

"You … really went the mile here." B-fly looked at everything.

"You know I'm the best sis you could ask for. Ain't nothing that's going to stop me from making my B-fly and Q-fly happy." She pulled out a her mirror to check the stats. "Just in time too. Everyone loved the show, and they want more."

"Wait, so everyone…just stopped hating Eclipsa just like that?" Kelly asked skeptically.

"No, I say….about half of Mewni still hates her guts." Ponyhead looked at the like and dislike count. "But the other half really likes drama and a good mystery. There's already a line waiting outside wanting for her autograph."

"Oh, how fun." The Queen chuckled. "... How do you sign an autograph?"

"For a second I almost forgot that your a super old grandma despite how cool you are." Ponyhead shook her head in light disappointment.

"Wow...just...thank you, Ponyhead. This is the best surprise you've ever given us." Q-fly smiled as she ate up his praise."This thing was so elaborate, how did you fake the bill too?"

Seahorse flew over. "Oh no, that's the real deal. You better pay up by the end of the month or they send the debut collectors … and those guys make 'Dark Star' look pleasant."

"...I'm going to make a quick call to the McDuck's and see if they need any help with treasure hunting." Star quickly began dialing on her phone. "Although I feel like there's something we're forgetting about."

As Star finished, a portal opened, and out came Earth turd, falling face first on the ground as that baby with clover cheeks and a tail stood on his back and nibbled on his head. "I … hate you … so much … Ponyhead."

"Feeling's mutual earth Turd." She chuckled. Her boyfriend loved her, her besties were happy, and Marco suffered the entire day. It felt amazing when everything finally went right with the world.