Beers and Beards Book 3: The Big Brewhaha

Ahhh, dwarven City Hall. It was like going to ICBC for driver’s licensing, or the DMV, or hell.

The first time I’d been in City Hall I’d been getting my name changed with Balin and Annie. That’d taken nearly four hours, and involved over a dozen forms and multiple departments.

I’d started in population census, then moved to births, then moved to citizen files. Then because old Peter Samson had been in trouble with the law, I’d had to go to criminal records, followed by vital statistics to get my new citizen ID card.

This was worse. Minnova City Hall was a single large building, and we only had to run from room to room. Kinshasa City Hall was a bureaucratic hellscape with five different buildings all built hodge-podge after-the-fact, and connected by both twisting tunnels and ground-level walkways.

Just when we thought we’d found the correct person, we were sent on our way again. By the time we actually had the right guy, even Annie looked ready to pop and she usually loved this stuff. Not that it was inefficient by any means. Everyone was working hard and it ran like a smoothly oiled machine, but there was so much of it!

Then Annie notified them we wanted to build a full tavern with lodgings attached instead of just a brewpub, and things got really complicated. We were covered by the crown for a bar and brewery for two years, but anything past that required us to front our own cash. Thankfully, Annie had a ton of gold to access thanks to John’s little bet, and I was willing to front 50% as well, so we had plenty to play with.

To make a long story short, we got shuffled around until the correct people were all organised, spent several hours in meetings, then were sent to the city planning office to select a location for our pub. In a busy city like Kinshasa, we were severely limited, but being regional champions in two different categories gave us a bit of weight to throw around.

City Planning was only able to provide part of the picture, so they gave us a map with a couple locations X’d, along with keys and instructions to come and tell them when we’d chosen our brewpub location.

We exited City Hall shell-shocked, hours after we’d entered. The crack above us was disappearing as night began to fall up in the lands above. I turned robotically towards Annie and asked, “What just happened?”

“I’m… not sure,” she hesitantly admitted. “I think we’re supposed to go to the locations with the X’s and decide if we like them.”

There was a hubbub as the people we’d left outside noticed our return and came running. Copperpot arrived first. The [Arcanomechanical Engineer] was in fine form, with his propeller beanie running at full tilt, and his nice suit obscured by gloves and a heavy apron. “What did they say??”

“They said: fill these forms and come back tomorrow.” I deadpanned with dead eyes.

“Typical,” he hissed. “Without gnomes, this country would need a year to take a single step.”

Johnsson countered, amused. “Without dwarves, it would be burnt down in a week.”

“Hah! True. So, what forms do you need to fill? Maybe I can help?” Copperpot reached up, trying to get a look at the papers Annie was holding.

“It’s easy enough.” Annie said, passing them over. “We need to go look at all of the places X’d on this map. Then we need to fill out this form here to indicate which location we want, then this other form to declare our intent to purchase. Then we have another form that will provide crown funds for purchase of the land.”

Copperpot’s teeth snapped together as we continued listing off forms, while fending off Whistlemop, who was trying to get his hands on the maps.

“Do we want to split up?” Annie asked, glancing at the enormous pile of paper. “This might take us a couple days.”

“Ya never split tha party!” Balin said, resolutely. “‘Specially in a new place like this. Let’s get settled, then figure things out.”

“Aye.” Annie nodded. “Let’s start by finding an inn to stay at until we have our new home.”

Of course, finding an inn turned out to first require a place to put our carts. Redwall was a bit too full for our caravan to fit, especially Rasberrysyrup’s gigantic stage cart. After the second time we got into a fender bender, Berry decided to leave her cart at city hall with an overnight permit until we were situated, and hopped onto Bran and Opal’s wagon while her helpers followed on foot.

Redwall continued to amaze us, and it was slow going until we found an inn that was able to A) accommodate us all, and B) met Bimbleberry’s exacting requirements. Whistlemop’s [Butler] was a matronly gnomess who was as prim and proper as you’d expect. Every inn we walked into, she briefly combed over before declaring it unacceptable. She was joined by Bando, who was only too happy to point out the inadequacies of any inn that wasn’t his mother’s.

The rest of us just wanted to rest our feet, so there was a groan of joy when we finally found an inn tucked into a corner beneath the Red Wall that met with the [Butler] and the boy’s approval.

A swinging wooden goat over the door declared it to be “The Prancing Unigoat” and it was everything I could’ve hoped for from a fantasy tavern. A bard sat in the large, open indoor pub, providing a gentle ambiance to the space while happy patrons laughed, joked, and fought. The inn was modeled in the gnomish style, which meant it was heavy on the wood and glass, making for a well-lit and warm space. I made sure to take some notes for our own inn.

The proprietors were a gnome by the name of Robinsbobbin, and his wife, a dwarfess by the name of Inga. They were the first interracial couple I’d seen on Erd, and I had to applaud the gnome for his choice – Inga was a fiiiine lady, with a fiery disposition and the beard to match.

They had no children to help run things, but they had an efficient team of maids and servers. They were also more than happy to take on our gnome-heavy crew for what could be an extended period. We were lucky they had space, as the place was pretty full. That boded well for our own future tavern.

With bags in our rooms and a base of operations, it was time to park the caravan. Malt and most of the gnomes stayed behind to watch the fort, while Copperpot, Amethyst, and Whistlemop came with us. We then retraced our steps through Redwall and Greywall to the warehouses in Yellowall. As we passed through Greywall, team Brighstar offered a farewell and left to go to the adventurer’s guild. Balin made a doglike back-and-forth walk, then decided to stay with us for now.

Looking up at the massive structures I was reminded of the warehouse we’d converted into a brewery with Copperpot. I shivered at the memory of gnomish corporate ninjas and was suddenly grateful for Balin’s presence. While Copperpot, Whistlemope, and Amethyst arranged for the long-term rental of a large warehouse space, I made absolutely sure that my [Minimap] was still set to show me if Ambermine the gnomish assassin was nearby.

With the wagons parked, the unigoats paddocked, Penelope angrily underfoot, and everyone else restless as heck, it was back to the hotel for a very late bedtime.

We could start scoping places in the morning.

—

“I think we can safely ignore all the options in Yellowwall.” I said, giving another look at the quality of the wall on the alley-side of the pub. I stuck my thumb in between the stones, and pieces of rock sheared away under my grip.

Avoiding garbage like this was usually the job of a realtor. Those didn't exist here though, which was probably a good thing.

Aqua protested. “There are a lot of travelers who come through Yellowwall but never make it further. They just park their wagons in a warehouse, hit the nearest inn, and leave in the morning. Plus, rent will be cheap after the two years are up, and it could be lucrative.”

“I think I agree with Pete.” Annie said, giving the front door a kick. It dented inwards, and she gave a contemptuous snort. “It’s cheap, but it’s also cheap.”

The first location we’d come to looked like something straight out of an old horror movie. A small stone building located down a sidestreet away from the main thoroughfare under the Yellow Wall, with plenty of black paint and shadows to go with it. A tenement house tacked on as an afterthought was clearly meant to be in the ‘inn’ portion. The wood on the housing was splintering, and it had clearly been reconstructed at least once.

“Plus, I t’ink it already has owners,” Richter chuckled, peering through the cobwebby windows. Inside, dozens of fluffy felines were doing their best to stay out of view and failing. I couldn’t imagine what the smell was like in there.

“I categorically refuse to work in a place like that.” Whistlemop grumped.

“Not that you get a vote. This isn’t going to be for you, Whistlemop. Why are you here again?” I thumped Whistlemap on the top-hat, and he frowned back up at me.

“You think I’m going to let my business partner traipse around the capital with that snake Copperpot and not come to protect him?”

Copperpot snorted. “Says the rat.”

I folded my arms. “Doubt.”

Whistlemop gave me wide begging eyes. “Fine, I want to start selling Whistlemugs here in the capital. And if you want a steady supply of glass and bottles you’re going to need someone who knows the ins and outs of the glass trade. You need me. Give me some help and I’ll be able to have you knee deep in bottles within the month!”

“He has a point,” Aqua agreed. “I didn’t even think about how we were going to get bottles again.”

I hesitated. Neither had I, come to think of it. We’d had them so readily in Minnova that I’d forgotten how hard they were to get in the first place.

“Alright, I’m glad you’re here.” I admitted. “But I don’t want to be here. This place is awful.”

There was a general murmur of agreement, and I crossed it off the list.

“As for the rest of the Yelowall locations, I don’t think they’re enough for what Annie and I want. We need something permanent where people can come and spend their gold on fine food, alcohol, and a comfy bed. Yelowall doesn’t strike me as that kind of place. That’s not even mentioning the threat of monster attacks.”

“I agree with Pete,” Annie said. “Mark them all off.”

Copperpot sighed and crossed off a large swath of our options. “This isn’t very scientific,” he complained, “we haven’t seen enough to make a solid judgment.”

“Really? Look around. You’d rather stay here than in Redwall or Greywall when the Crown is paying for it?”

“Oh, I didn’t say that, just that it’s unscientific.” He sniffed and stuffed the map away into a storage Ability of some kind. “But I agree, let’s move on. This is completely unacceptable for a Pots partner.”

So we backtracked again to Redwall and began checking the locations there. My poor feet!

All the Redwall locations were incredible in their own right. One had a full outdoor beer garden and deep cellar system like the Brewer’s Guild House in Minnova, and another came with a whole set of fancy enchantments in the kitchen that had Bran running around like a kid with a candy bar.

One place that really caught our eyes reminded me of a pub from back home, with a giant glass picture window with a crisscrossing wooden lattice of grills for the entire front wall. It was two storeys tall and another two deep with a small carriage house beside it that also served as an underground entrance to lodgings. The inside was just as luxurious, with a plush carpeted floor and even a stage for performance. With a bit of work we could convert the bottom basement level to a brewroom, and probably even pipe beer up to the brewery like the old English style. Every part of it was perfect.

“What do you think?” I asked, after we’d toured the rooms.

“I love it.” Annie sighed, “but can we afford it?”

“It’s amazing!” Whistlemop added. “Primo gnomish design! And who cares what it costs, the King’s paying!”

“Yeah, but we have to pay and upkeep it afterwards.” I noted, running [Mental Maths] as I reviewed the specifications on this location. “And inns are not exactly lucrative.”

“Howsabout ya let me dun take a look, there.” Bando asked, holding out a hand for the spec sheets. “Hmmm… yeah, you’d need ta be chargin’ some serious gold if’n ya wanted ta stay here.”

“Which is probably why it’s vacant.” I sighed, looking it over one last time.

“Maybe if we planned to leave right after, but we want to stay.” Annie said firmly, flipping through the real-estate costs. “I think the Redwall locations have the exact opposite of the Yellowall buildings. It’s too expensive for what we want. Since the Crown is paying for the upgrades, we should go get a good place in Greywall and then use that money to make it amazing.”

“Ooooh!! I love that plan!” Aqua jumped up and down. “We could install so much stuff! I definitely want something like that stage!”

I clutched my feet and groaned. “Alright, to Greywall. I bet the best choice will be the last place we check.”

As it turned out, it was the third to last.

The building sat at a crossroad just off of Main Street, nestled between a cafe and a bakery. Foot traffic was heavy here, but with the heady air of shopping and tourism. It had white sandstone walls with a red mortar that leant it a cheery cherry air. It was actually two storeys with a peaked red roof, and there was apparently a large fully furnished basement. The front door was a wide circular affair; it kind of reminded me of Hobbiton’s Bag End, but with a red door instead of green, and stone instead of soil, and a roof instead of grass, and gnomes instead of hobbits and...

Okay, it looked nothing like Bag End, but it did have a round door, and a feeling.

Whistlemop declared that it‘d probably been a glassmaker or other industrial process building at some point, judging from the leftover fixtures we could see through the windows. It had an enormous front picture window like our favourite from Redwall, though this time with diamond grills. A trellis awning jutted a good two meters onto the street from the roof, and was covered in vines that looked like they were berry bearing.

The building was apparently much larger than the small storefront we could see from the street, and formed its own Euro-bloc in the back. The floor plan said it had a small stable, a carriage house, and some row houses all clustered around a wide stone courtyard. A large portcullis was currently down, preventing entry to the area, but just what we could already see was impressive enough.

A trio of gnomish customers sat outside the cafe, a cozy little establishment named The Whistling Teapot and gave us curious glances as we peered through windows and made joyful smalltalk.

“It’s a perfect location!” Copperpot crowed. “There’s so much traffic through here. And it’s so close to a place for coffee!”

“It would need a lot of work.” Annie hawwed, but you could tell she was seeing that work in her mind’s eye and liking the result.

“Who cares! It’s our taxes paying for it!” Whistlemop rattled the doorknob. “Let us in! I want to see!”

Annie held up a set of keys we’d been given and spun it around to a large bronze key shaped like a vase. “Aye. Let’s go in. And Johnsson, stop Penelope from eating that vine.”

*MEEEEEHHH* [Translated from Prima Donna Goat] “Let me rest and eat you absolute monsters!!”

So with a creak, and a poof of dust, the door swung open and the Thirsty Goat and friends walked inside.

Then sneezed a lot.