Beers and Beards: A Cozy Dwarf Tale

Hi, world! Pete here!

It’s been just over a month since we swept away the title of greatest brewer in the world!

Today’s a day much like any other. The weather’s almost always cool and wet here in the underground riverside city of Kinshasa. That makes it a pretty close amalgam of my own old Beautiful British Columbia come to think of it. The biggest difference being a distinct lack of sun.

And the dwarves and gnomes everywhere. And all the cats. And all the fungi. Though it had at least one fun-guy in common, Nyuck! But you get the picture.

I glanced out a window and up at the bright light emanating from one of the many floating lanterns that lit Western Crack. They didn’t give off any heat, but their light helped beat back the darkness that was always trying to claim back what it had once ruled.

My head swiveled to look around the room, which was the comfortably appointed central lounge of our clan manor. The sunken living space was done up in a more gnomish style, with lots of wood, glass, and plush furniture. There were some nods to dwarven sensibilities, like the weapons adorning the walls, and the sheen of gold here and there, as well as the low ceiling. A pair of casks and some trays of food sat on one of the waist-high bookshelves, and a large table had been moved to the center of the space so we could all sit and snack.

Finally, my gaze swept over the assembled grumble. With the Diggers, Kirk, and Bran added to the mix we were now quite an eclectic group.

We were having a clan Grumble. With the Octamillenial out of the way and two, three if you included Bran, new nobles in the family, everyone had lots of complaining to do.

Our blonde bearded and pink-mowhawked dandy, Johnsson, was angry about the state of the tavern. He claimed it felt more like a fortress than a home these days, and the current mood in the city made it unnecessary. As head of the family, Annie decided that we’d keep it for at least the next century, and that was that.

Next, Aqua had some words to say about Bran, Annie and I throwing our noble titles around, and we got to sit and be chastised for a solid hour as the rest of the clan chimed in.

Okay, maybe I had been laying it on a bit thick. But I was a big bottomed Dwarf Lord now; I had a whole lotta thick to throw around!

But point taken, I would lay off the ‘peasant’ remarks

Rosie wanted some more help around the inn, specifically some gnomish room cleaners since their smaller hands were better at getting into tight spaces. That or someone with a similar Ability to my own [Spot Clean].

Bando’s complaints were the most surprising. He had a list of small things around the tavern that when added together were causing us all kinds of unrealized heartache. One floorboard that stuck up a little in the main thoroughfare. A slight edge to the bar that kept causing bruised elbows. A divot in the floor that kept collecting little spills of beer until it caused slips and big spills. All in all, the young [Pacifier]’s new predilection for calm headedness was paying off in spades for our clan!

Balin stepped forward to offer up his carpentry skills, and there were some smiles for a moment.

Then there was a bunch of grumbling about the events of the past year. Everyone was tired. Everyone was angry. Everyone had had it up to their moustaches with feuds, competitions, and upending the status quo. It was time to bunker down, brew some beer, and have some peace and quiet for the next century.

Kirk kept throwing sardonic glances my way during the entirety of the last bit. Everyone was a bit too polite to single me out as the reason for everything we’d endured these past few years, but as one of the Chosen Catalysts of the Gods, my very existence was a focal point for chaos. Honestly, I was surprised that the God of Chaos, Solen, had never taken any interest in me.

Though I did strongly suspect he’d given me a quest to kill the King of the Dwarves. One I’d resolutely refused.

In short, everyone was stressed and just about ready to pop. Which, of course, was the purpose of the clan Grumble in the first place. Everyone bitched, drank, bragged, and then bitched some more. It was grand.

As we were winding down, our attention was finally drawn to the elephant in the room. And no, I didn’t mean Kirk.

No, it was a large lead lined case sitting in the center of the table which contained a big, glowing, rock. We’d all been trying to ignore it, and the problem that it presented.

Of course, Richter the magic maniac was the one to broach the subject.

“What… do we do about ‘de Worldstone? We cannae keep ignorin’ it.” His deep bass voice, with the hint of a Jamaican accent boomed out for the first time this evening.

All eyes in the room jumped to the lockbox and the mood turned foul again. The Herders had let us keep it because our place was more secure than theirs. The only reason we didn’t have every single Mage in the city knocking on our doors was a series of wards that Richter had put up on the walls to keep the magic pouring out of the stone from spilling onto the street.

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It was an incredible gift from the explorer Lucky Jean to his future family and the Chosen they’d chosen to ally with.

And it was a problem.

“I still want to turn it over to the Kingdom.” Annie frowned. “It’s a Kingdom level treasure.”

“It’s not illegal to own…” Richter said.

“Aye, just to take.” Balin added. “A Worldstone is tha heart of a dungeon; it’s the focal point of all that wild Mana, and usually protected by the strongest monsters. Take it and the dungeon collapses. Nobody wants that. How did Herder even get one??”

“Lucky Jean discovered most of ‘de dungeons in Crack. Mebbe he took one from a dungeon he failed ta mention. Or found one in some secret hoard.” Richter shrugged. “But what matters is ‘dat we have one of ‘de most powerful treasures in ‘de world in our hands.”

“So, what can it do?” Aqua asked, standing to go and refill her Whistlemug.

“Bring us trouble!” Annie snapped. “I thought you all wanted some peace and quiet!”

“Psh, where’s your sense of adventure Annie!” Aqua tweaked Annie’s beard as she passed. Annie swatted her hand and Aqua giggled.

“Lots.” Richter sighed. “Too much, really.”

“How about just the interesting things.” I jumped in, and jumped up to refill my mug as well. I poured myself a dark spiced amber from one of the barrels. It was a new brew of my own design that used my [Barley to Bacon] spell. It reminded me a bit of a winter ale, with a mix of darker malts and some added spices beyond the usual mix of Goldstone bitters and hops. It had a higher alcohol content as well, at a solid 8%. Winter ale, was of course, a misnomer; winter ales had nothing to do with winter. Anything that used dark malts with a relatively high alcohol content and added spices could call itself a winter ale. My favourite from back on earth had been the Granville Island Lion’s Winter Ale.

This batch wasn’t quite that good, but it was good enough that I enjoyed drinking it. I enjoyed drinking a lot of our different brews these days. And other beers! Kinshasa was full of new craft ales, ranging the gamut from great to awful.

“Well, ‘da most boring is ‘dat we could use it as a magic stone ta charge an enchantment. It would last forevah, no matter how strong the enchant!” Richter gestured expensively.

“Ooh, like on a fancy magic sword?” Johnsson asked.

“What use would you have for a magic sword?” Aqua tittered.

“I was thinking that our new lords

could carry it around and look pompous.” Johnsson snickered.

“Hey, you already got to grumble about that.” I grumbled.

“You are not thinking of ‘de right kinds of enchantments.” Richter assayed. “All of ‘de teleportation circles in ‘de various capitals use a Worldstone. Normally only Dungeons have enough Mana to allow teleportation, but a Worldstone can do the same.”

“We could have our own teleportation circle?” Aqua squeed.

“I could go shopping in Grandia?” Johnsson thrilled. “They have one, right?”

“Grandia?” I asked.

“It’s the grandest city in the Eastern human Kingdoms.” Kirk said. “Famous for its art and a focal point of sea trade between North and South Erden. Fatter with wealth than a low riding merchantman.”

I raised an eyebrow at him and he coughed and looked sideways. “It’s a nice city,” He continued. “Sunny, and good food.”

“How good?” Bran asked.

“Not that good.” Kirk chuckled.

“And that sounds boring Richter, Kinshasa already has a circle, we just can't use it. Get to the good stuff!” I piped up.

Richter pulled out a sheet of paper and began writing on it. We all bent forward to look. “A Worldstone is essentially a giant focus point for magic and power. It would be easier to list what it couldn’t do. ‘De most famous are: it can evolve Abilities; even Blessing’s! It can enlarge dimensional spaces, often manyfold. Oh, and if you place it in ‘de right kind of place, one strong ‘wit Mana and ‘de God’s power, it can form a new dungeon.”

You could’ve heard an axe drop.

“We could have our own dungeon?” Balin whispered.

Richter nodded. “Aye. Though it would take a few centuries ta form. I suspect ‘dats what Jean meant fer it to be used for. You’d need at least two clans ta run a dungeon in secret, like us and ‘de Herders.”

Annie gulped. “Is that… is that even feasible?”

Balin frowned. “I dunno if even our team would be strong enough ta keep an entire dungeon in line.”

“A young dungeon wouldn’t be ‘dat strong.” Richter shrugged. “We’d have a long time ta grow from its riches, enough ta start a Kingdom of our own.”

There was silence as we all digested his words.

Rosie rolled her eyes. “You lot can barely keep this tavern running. And you want to run a Kingdom??”

“I vote Rosie for Queen.” Aqua put her hand up. “She’s already good at bossing everyone around.”

“As if!” Rosie choked.

“Ah, so peaceful” I muttered sardonically. “So relaxed and quiet. I foresee days full of blissful boring labour and good eating.”

Annie clapped her hands. “For now we’ll shelve the Worldstone. I think we should wait until something comes to mind. I’m really… not enthused about the dungeon idea. Feel free to let us know if you have any good ideas!”

I thought about putting forward [Pete's Miniature Remembrance] but… using a cool permanent upgrade on something that was at its heart, ephemeral, seemed a bad idea.

And that was it!

Though of course, no grumble was complete without a final word from the Princess, who dropped her drink bowl on top of the Worldstone lockbox.

*MEEEEHHHH!!!!* [Translated from Prima Donna Goat] “All of your whining has made me thirsty! See to your princess!!”

“Yes, Penelope!” We all said together, then laughed.

The meeting adjourned and we all went our separate ways. Everyone had work to do, and I had a meeting with an illustrious business associate.