Be a girl

Isabel set to work right away. She rushed over to her chest o’ drawers and pulled out one of her bras. She walked behind me, then wrapped the bra around my chest, causing my cheeks to go flush with embarrassment.

“Good, it should fit,” she muttered to herself. “Take your shirt off,” she instructed.

My blush fiercened, but I still did as I was told. She was here to help, and if she believed that wearing a bra would help, then I trusted her. A shiver ran down my spine as she clasped it onto me from behind. I felt like I was breaking some unspoken rule. But I ignored the part of me that said it was wrong, and focused on how exhilarating this all was. I was wearing a bra. Something that previously seemed impossible for me. But not only did my friend approve of it, she put it on me.

“Alright, you can put the dress on now, but no looking in the mirror til I say it’s ok,” she said, before swiftly exiting the room to give me some privacy. She didn’t have to worry about me looking in the mirror. I did not want a repeat of last time.

I slowly removed my pants, being careful to not lower my vision down there. I picked up the dress and gently wrapped it around my body. It was a slow process, owing to my nerves. Goosebumps formed all over my body, and I could feel the shakiness in my breath. I gently tied the belt into a bow, and smiled down at myself, satisfied.

I tentatively made my way over to the door and opened it slowly. Izzy greeted me on the other side with a comforting smile.

“You’re beautiful,” she said, and my face suddenly became even hotter than it already was. A strange sensation arose in my chest. But it was a good sensation, and I embraced it.

Izzy grabbed my hand, and led me over to her desk, sitting me in her chair. She pulled out an array of products that I didn’t recognise but assumed were makeup, as well as various different nail polish colours, and set them all down in front of me.

“I think we’ll start with your nails, then do your makeup, and finish up with your hair. How does that sound?”

I nodded. I had no idea if the order of those things mattered, but I trusted that she knew what she was doing.

“Ok. What colour do you want?”

That was an interesting question. I ran my eyes over all the different colours she’d offered up, rubbing my chin as I ruminated. I’d gone with lilac at the sleepover – which was still on my toenails actually, although the colour was very worn out now – so I decided it best to pick a different colour. This time I went with royal purple – a much more overtly ace colour than the lilac. I wanted to be bold, and this colour screamed bold to me.

I took off my gloves and Izzy immediately got to work. Her expression was serious the entire time she painted. Her steady hands didn’t make a single mistake as she carefully coated my nails with the rich purple colour.

Next, she instructed me to remove my shoes so that she could paint my toenails, where she instantly noticed the old colour still there. Without any complaints, she grabbed some nail polish remover and wiped off all the old polish. With the same diligence as before, she painted on the new colour with pristine precision.

She let out a satisfied sigh once she’d finished, happy with her work. I too was pleased with the results, and I couldn’t help but wiggle my toenails and hold my hands out in front of me to get a good look. I smiled.

Next was the makeup, which I had no clue about. She started by placing a headband over my forehead to keep any stray hairs from interfering. She set about beautifying my eyes, which, as much as I wanted this, was a deeply unpleasant feeling. I wanted nothing more than to close my eyes to protect them, but that only made Izzy’s job harder. She insisted that I fight the natural instinct to protect my eyes from foreign objects, so that she could more easily apply the products. I did my best.

I had no idea exactly what she was doing, nor did I know what the products she was using were called. I would probably have to learn at some point if I ever wanted to do this for myself, but for this first time, I didn’t think it was too necessary. That could come later.

By the time Izzy was done with my makeup, I was eager to see what kind of transformation she’d given me. But she told me to be patient; she still had to fix my hair. The brushing was definitely the worst part. It took her quite a while for her to untangle all the knots, owing to my lack of grooming it. She pulled on my hair a couple more times before announcing that she was done. She moved back in front of me, and gave me a warm smile, which I returned.

Though she wasn’t quite done with my makeover just yet. She grabbed a box on her desk and opened it to reveal several items of jewellery inside. She held a few bracelets to my wrist, deciding which one suited me the best. Happy with her decision, she slipped it on and fastened it. Next, she pulled out some necklaces and did the same: holding them up to my neck before picking the one she liked the best and fastening it around me.

She stood in front of me, hands on her hips, and a satisfied smirk on her face. She nodded, pleased with the results. I’d been keeping my cool the entire time she was giving me my makeover, but now that it was time to see myself, I suddenly became extremely nervous.

This was it. This was why I came here in the first place. I wanted to rub my hands on my thighs to calm my nerves, but I refrained, not wanting to mess up the dress. Everything needed to be perfect for this to work.

I inhaled deeply, then exhaled slowly. I could do this, I told myself. This wasn’t going to be a repeat of last time. This time was going to be different. My heart racing, I closed my eyes. I needed the reveal to be all at once. There was no backing out.

Izzy guided me over to her full body mirror, my eyes still closed. “Whenever you’re ready,” she whispered kindly into my ear.

I wasn’t sure that I would ever be ready. But that didn’t matter. This was the big moment. I needed this to work out. I couldn’t afford to have this go wrong. I concentrated on my breathing for a while, as I worked up the courage to open my eyes. I knew I would have to open them sooner or later. I couldn’t come this far just to chicken out.

With one final deep breath, I opened my eyes.

I saw her. The girl in the mirror. The girl who should have always been there. There was no trace of the boy who didn’t belong. There was only the girl who did.

Her hair was tied back into twin ponytails, jutting out to the side. Her eyeshadow helped her deep brown irises sparkle in the light. Her winged eyeliner made her feel like she could soar. Soar through the skies on wings made of pure joy.

And the dress, oh how it flowed ever so elegantly down her body. Small bumps protruded ever so slightly at the chest, and it made her heart skip a beat. The dress flared out the tiniest touch at the waist, resting in gentle ruffles that hid the exact shape of what was underneath.

It was more perfect than I ever could have imagined. The voice in my mind tried to speak up, but it held no power over me. Not in this moment. No, there was no denying what was in the mirror. I wouldn’t let my mind lie to me like that.

For the first time in my life, I saw myself reflected back in the mirror. Gone was the loathing, the uneasiness, the indifference, the disgust. All I saw was a pretty girl, and all I knew was that she was me.

I was suddenly unable to see clearly. My vision blurred completely from the tears welling in my eyes. I didn’t try to stop them. They gently flowed down my face, no doubt ruining all the hard work Isabel had put into my makeup. But she didn’t say anything.

I hiccoughed, and the dam burst. I fell to my knees in full blown sobs. I let it all out.

Izzy dropped down beside me, asking if I needed a hug. I nodded. She gently wrapped her arms around me and rubbed my back in soothing patterns. She made shushing noises, constantly reassuring me that I was beautiful. I said nothing in response. I couldn’t. The tears were too strong. But I didn’t need to say anything. Izzy knew that these weren’t tears of pain or sorrow. These were tears of joy.

At that moment, everything clicked into place, and my entire life began to make sense. I’d known for so long that I wanted to be a girl. That I was supposed to be a girl. But for all that time I believed it was an impossibility.

That belief was only amplified by the power I’d been granted on my seventeenth birthday. I couldn’t help but wonder if it was connected in some way. That somehow, in its own way, my power had brought me here. A painful, terrifying journey filled with immense turmoil, but one that I needed to trek.

Would I even be here without it? No, of course not. If I hadn’t transformed Jesse, I never would have been expelled. If I’d never transformed my brother and father, I never would have had to confront the envy I held towards them head on. It was obvious by that point that I couldn’t deny my desire to be a girl. It had always been there, lurking at the back of my mind. And suddenly it had been shoved to the forefront and forced to stay there no matter how much I tried to force it back down.

And Claire. Where would I be without her? Had it really been an accident that I had transformed her, or was it fate? She was the one who always pushed me to question myself. To think about who I truly was on the inside. She was the one who pressured me at the sleepover. Hell, she was the one who organised it in the first place. All of it just a scheme of hers to force me to confront my desire to be a girl.

But back then I wasn’t ready. She knew what I wanted, but she didn’t understand that it wasn’t as simple for me as it was for her. I’d been ever so envious of her. She had everything I’d always wanted handed to her on a silver platter. And I’d pushed her away because of it. I’d hurt her, because I was hurting.

I was suddenly filled with regret. She didn’t deserve my anger. I was but a scared animal lashing out, but I still had responsibility for my actions. She may not have been the best at it, but she certainly helped me, even if I didn’t want her to.

I’d realised something today. Something important. My life hadn’t been easy. My power forced me to confront a vital truth about myself. I wasn’t allowed to have the perfect female body that I’d always dreamt of having; the kind of body that I could bestow upon others with but a simple touch.

But I didn’t need that.

Because despite what the world had always told me, there was more to being a girl than that. So so much more. It wasn’t something that I’d wanted. It was something I needed. It was who I was.

I realised something today. Something important.

I can be a girl.

Zema

She finally did it. It's been a long journey, but she made it.

This is the end of part 4, but not the end of the story. I'll see you soon for the final part.