Be a girl

Dad didn’t make me go to mum’s house, not after everything that had happened the night prior. He simply lied and told her that I was staying at a friend’s house for a sleepover, thereby allowing me to stay at dad’s place for the entire weekend. I was a little sad that dad still needed to take James to mum’s place, leaving him to fend for himself. Poor kid.

Later that morning, after dad had dropped off James, our home had an unexpected visitor. I ignored the doorbell’s ring, knowing dad would answer. Unfortunately, dad called out for me. With a sigh, I got up out of my desk chair and made my way to the front door.

My heart skipped a beat when I saw who stood at the door. Dad obviously had no clue; he’d never met her before. She saw me and waved tentatively. She looked very different from last night. Gone was the fancy makeup and gorgeous dress. Instead, she was wearing a simple hoodie and jeans combo.

I didn’t want to talk to Jesse’s sister. Not now. Not so soon. Despite all evidence pointing towards her being on my side, she reminded me too much of last night. How did she even find out where I lived? I didn’t like this one bit.

She reached into her hoodie pocket and pulled out a glove, which I immediately recognised as the one Jesse had ripped off my hand. I sighed, knowing that I would need to collect it from her.

Dad stepped out of the way as I approached, and said, “I’ll leave you two to it.” With a smile, he left, leaving Maddy and me awkwardly standing at the door together.

“I got your glove,” she said, handing my glove over to me.

“Thanks,” I said, taking it and shoving it into my pocket. With that out of the way, I didn’t want to talk with her any longer, and began to close the door.

Maddy, however, wasn’t quite done with me, and shoved her foot in the door before I could close it. Annoyed, I glared at her, but this didn’t faze her in the slightest. “Can I come in? There’s some things I want to talk about.”

“I’m not really in the mood.”

“I get that. But I promise you’ll want to hear what I have to say.”

I stared at her. What could she possibly say that would be worth my while? I didn’t even know her, nor did she know me. “How do you know where I live?” I asked accusatorily.

“Claire told me.”

Ah, of course she did. “Did she send you here?” I said, narrowing my eyes at her.

Maddy tilted her head side to side for a moment, unsure of what to say. “Kind of. I already wanted to speak with you anyway, but she asked me to do her a favour.”

I frowned, unsure of what to make of that. I didn’t know if I’d be able to make her go away, no matter what I did. I’d seen her brute strength yesterday; I definitely couldn’t stop her from doing anything, nor did I want to get on her bad side.

I sighed and relented, stepping out of the way so she could come inside. She thanked me, and I led her to my room so that we could speak in private. I directed her to sit on my bed, while I climbed onto my desk chair, spinning it around to face her. We sat staring at each other silently for a few moments. I didn’t want to speak. I had nothing to say.

“I wanted to apologise for last night,” she eventually said. “I knew that Jesse had a vendetta against Josh, but I didn’t think he would try to go as far as he did. I really should have kept a closer eye on him.”

I nodded. I didn’t particularly care much for her apology. She wasn’t the one who needed to apologise; Jesse was. But he was the very last person I wanted to see. I didn’t want an apology. I wanted him gone from my life for good. I didn’t even want to think about him anymore, but all Maddy was doing was reminding me of her brother.

“I also wanted to thank you,” she added. I frowned in confusion. What could I have possibly done that deserved a thanks from her? I remained still and silent, waiting for her to explain herself. She took my silence as a cue to continue. “Ok, so, this is gonna sound super weird, and it’s also like super selfish of me to say this. But I wanted to thank you for transforming Jesse.”

I blinked in surprise. I did not expect that in the slightest. Why was she thanking me for transforming her brother? I was reminded of my mother and how she had treated James these past few months, and a sickly taste formed in my mouth. Did she always want a sister, and now felt like she had that with Jesse? To say that made me uneasy would be an understatement.

“Ok, yes, I get how bad that sounds,” Maddy clarified, noticing my apprehension. She slumped over, resting her elbows on her knees and looking at her feet. She sighed. “Listen. I” – she took a deep breath – “I know I look like a girl, but I’m not. I’m a transgender boy. And my name is Ollie, not Maddy. Before you transformed my brother, I was alone. Me and Jesse were always fairly close, but there was this invisible barrier between us.

“When I realised that I’m trans, I put up a wall to protect myself. Jesse was never really good about queer people. He’d make offhand remarks that were extremely queerphobic, and I just didn’t feel safe around him anymore. And mum is even worse, if you can believe it.

“But one day, he came home with a pair of tits. Mum was extremely happy with this outcome, glad to have another ‘daughter’. But for me, I was suddenly able to connect to my brother in a way I never could before. It was rough at first, but I think we’re way closer now than ever because of what you did to him.

“And like yeah, I know that’s super selfish of me. It’s been a rough time for Jesse, with mum treating him like a girl when he hates it. But I’ve been helping him as best I can, and he’s been helping me in return.”

Wow, that was a lot. I genuinely had no idea how to react. For one, it baffled me that he would just… open up to a complete stranger like that. Especially the part about being a transgender boy. That seemed rather personal. I’d heard the word in passing before, but I’d never really thought much about it. Claire had mentioned that her friend (who turned out to be Jesse) was a transgender boy too, was that what Ollie was referring to? Had Ollie also been transformed like I had done to Jesse? It seemed plausible, especially knowing that I wasn’t the only person capable of changing other people’s sexes.

“Sorry, I just fuckin’ unloaded onto you, huh?” Ollie said. I nodded. He sighed. “That’s all I really wanted to say. I’ll be out of your hair now.”

With that, he began to stand up. But there was a question still lingering in my mind, that I wanted answering. I remembered the original reason I’d even agreed to attend the formal alongside Claire.

“Wait,” I said. He paused to look at me, hovering just above my bed. As much as I didn’t want to see Jesse ever in my life, this was not an opportunity I could pass up. This was for my dad and brother after all. “Jesse, he can transform people from female to male, right?” Ollie nodded as he slowly sat back down on the bed. He gave me a pensive stare, and I suddenly felt very small. I gulped and continued, “Can he… change my dad and brother back to male?”

Ollie gave me a worried look. “I’m sorry, but no.”

“Why not!?” I exclaimed, outraged that he would deny my request. If this was just because Jesse was an asshole, then that wasn’t good enough. I’d seen how Ollie had manhandled his brother. He could force Jesse to do it, if need be, surely.

Ollie sighed. “Let me put it this way: if he could help your dad and brother, I wouldn’t look like a girl.”

I wanted to argue further. But I decided against it. He made a compelling argument that Jesse couldn’t help my family. I thought back to before the formal, when I considered why Claire hadn’t mentioned she knew someone who could transform people from female to male before asking for my help. Was this the real reason she failed to tell me? Because she knew there was no helping my dad and brother?

I sank back in my chair, defeated. It had seemed like such a promising prospect. All for naught. Though I supposed he probably felt similarly, given Jesse was his own brother. If he were telling the truth earlier, then he definitely wouldn’t have passed up the opportunity to have a male body. It did make me curious about him.

“Earlier, you, um, mentioned being a ‘transgender boy’,” I said. “Did someone transform you like I had Jesse?” It made sense to me. If he looked like a girl but was actually a boy, it followed logically that someone had transformed him in the past. Plus, if he knew the person who had transformed him, maybe he could get me in contact with them, so that they could possibly transform me as well.

A puzzled look appeared on his face before he burst out laughing. I wasn’t quite sure what was so funny, but he seemed to think it was hilarious. “Nope, I was born like this,” he replied. “I just always wanted to be a guy, and then later realised that that’s the same thing as being one.”

“Huh?” That didn’t seem right. It was similar to what Jesse had said last night, so it couldn’t have been right. One couldn’t just choose to be a guy if they were born a girl, right? I mean, he still definitely looked like a girl. Just like I still looked very much like a boy. As much as I wished it were true, I couldn’t simply will myself into being a girl just because I wanted to be one. Unless I found someone who could transform me, like I had others, then I would be stuck as an ugly boy for the rest of my life. Right?

But then wouldn’t that mean that dad and James were girls? They certainly didn’t want to be, that much was evident, and I found it hard to see them that way despite what I’d done to their bodies. It hurt James so much to be seen and treated as a girl by mum and Miranda. He was so much happier when people treated him as a boy. Even dad had had a notable uptick in his mood ever since he started wearing his binder around the house.

I had to admit that I had always seen dad and James as boys, even after their transformations. It simply made the most sense to me. They wanted to be treated as boys, and hated being girls, so I treated them as boys. It was simply most logical.

“You don’t know much about this, do ya?” Ollie said, interrupting my long train of thought. I looked up to see him peering at me with a curious expression. I didn’t say anything. “I’m surprised, given that you’re friends with Claire.”

Claire. How could I forget her. She’d told me that she’d always wanted to be a girl, admitting that she had felt the same way as I had. Before I had answered her prayers, accidentally. From her, I knew that the feelings of wanting to be a girl were not unique to me. But what did she matter? I’d transformed her, giving her everything she ever wanted. What I wanted. I couldn’t have that, and there was no use dwelling on those thoughts; they only led to pain.

I scoffed. “She just gets to be a girl because I transformed her.”

“Do you think that’s the only reason she’s a girl?”

“Well, she told me she’s always wanted to be a girl. I just made it a reality.”

Ollie stared at me. I squirmed in my seat uncomfortably. “Tell me something: do you want to be a girl?” he asked.

My face immediately went flush. This was the second time I’d been asked that question in less than twenty four hours! Each time from one of the Paige brothers. How did they both have such a read on me? I couldn’t believe this. I didn’t want to answer his question, especially since he was a complete stranger to me.

Except, he’d already gauged my answer just from how my body involuntarily reacted to his question. My face was so hot that he could definitely see how red it must have been. Why would I be embarrassed if he wasn’t right? I was so obvious.

“What does it matter?” I retorted. “I can’t be a girl no matter how much I want it. There’s no use even entertaining the thought.”

Ollie continued to stare at me, his expression unreadable. “That’s not as true as you might think. You don’t need magic to be a girl.” I glared at him, but didn’t respond. I didn’t believe him one bit.

“Listen,” he said, “I get it. I really do. No matter how much I want it, there’s no magic I can use to get the body that I want; believe me, I’ve tried. But I’m still a boy. No one can take that away from me. And yeah, I don’t feel comfortable in my body, but I don’t need magic to help with that. Once I’m eighteen, I’m gonna work on starting testosterone, which will eventually masculinise my body, and hopefully make it into something I can be proud of.”

“What do you mean it will masculinise your body?” I asked. I had a vague sense of what that could entail, but no idea on the details. Could that help my dad and brother? If magic wasn’t an option, could this be?

Ollie stared off into the distance, with a lazy smile on his face. “I’m hoping I’ll be able to grow a beard,” he replied, rubbing his chin wistfully. “But generally, I’ll get hairier all over, fat will redistribute, my voice will deepen, it’ll be easier to grow muscles and so on. It does a lot actually. It’s kinda like going through puberty again, but the right way this time.”

Going through puberty again, but the right way this time. His words stuck in my brain. Right at the forefront. Going through puberty again. But the right way this time.

My mouth became very dry all of a sudden. “Can it go the other way?” I whispered. I almost couldn’t say it. But a part of me was curious enough that the words were able to escape my lips.

He smirked. “Yeah. Taking oestrogen will feminise your body.”

Could that help me? Could oestrogen make me feel comfortable in my own body? I vaguely recalled an argument I had with Claire. She mentioned that there was medication that could help me. Was that what she was referring to? A medicine that would make my body right. Make me into the girl I always wanted to be. It seemed so simple. Too good to be true. A fantasy out of reach for me, just like how I was unable to transform myself.

But what if it wasn’t? “Can it make me a girl?”

Ollie smiled at me. It was calm and soothing. A knowing smile. “You’re already a girl, if that’s what you want. You just have to believe it. But to answer your question: it won’t make you a girl. But it will make you a prettier girl.”

A pretty girl. Yes. That was what I wanted. And I wanted to believe that that was what I could be. I wanted to believe that I wasn’t forever stuck in a life of eternal misery with no escape. If there was anything I could do to end my torture, I would take it. I was ready to believe.

“Well, I’ll be off then,” he announced. He shot me a cheeky smile. “Consider reading up on hormone replacement therapy when you get a chance. It might surprise you.”

I didn’t say a word as he exited my room. I didn’t move. I sat in my chair, completely dumbstruck. My heart racing. My mouth devoid of moisture. My mind in overdrive.

I turned to my computer, typed in those three words, and pressed enter.