NOVEL NEXT Chapter 37
Negative thoughts don’t just disappear easily.
They consume all emotions and memories to feed upon.
Once your mind sinks perfectly into the swamp of negativity, that’s it.
Of course, feelings of helplessness that can’t be described in words rise up, and all that plays in your mind is the worst possible scenario, repeating endlessly.
Therefore, if negative thoughts take root, it’s best to shake them off as quickly as possible.
But that’s absolutely not an easy thing to do, and usually, you need a trigger for that.
I knew that fact all too well.
[Natsune Nanase: Can I ask you for a favor? (^_^)]
[Izumi Kainoh: Can we talk when I get home?]
[Natsune Nanase: Of course! Take your time coming! ☆ﾐ(o*･ω･)ﾉ]
Could this be the trigger I need?
I’m not sure.
What’s engulfing me right now is a sense of self-hatred.
And every time I recall Natsune’s words or see the messages, it only grows stronger.
Is it really okay for me to talk with her in this state?
[A nuisance that only causes trouble. I wish she’d graduate quickly.]
[Personal Opinion) This collaboration was crap.]
“Ugh. Haaa….”
I’m gasping for breath.
The sentences that blame and belittle me keep replaying in my head.
Why? What did I do wrong?
What if someone around me recognizes me and tries to hurt me? Those useless worries just won’t go away.
Yeah. Useless worries.
With no previous life to speak of, I have no reason to worry.
I know that. I know, but….
I’m scared of the gazes in the classroom.
I worry they’re gossiping about me while talking.
“So, you know… today…”
“Oh, right. Tomorrow, I’m going to that cafe for the first time in a while…”
As I sneak a glance around, I catch sight of the school uniforms from my school.
And even though I don’t know the names of the wearers, panic sets in easily.
“I-I don’t like this….”
Habitually, I cover my ears and close my eyes, feeling only the jolt of the subway’s shaking.
“Haa….”
Why has my life turned out this way?
Really, I don’t know.
★
[Natsune Nanase: I thought Izumi would know, but…! (o`･ω･)ﾉ]
[Natsune Nanase: I’m doing my 1st anniversary live broadcast in two days on Sunday!]
[Izumi Kainoh: Yes, I know of course.]
I’ve been using the D-Day feature on my calendar to look forward to it since a month ago.
But now, I’m a little scared.
Seeing Natsune shine so brightly, I feel like I’ll despair.
[Natsune Nanase: At first, I wanted to invite you to the studio to sing together, but…]
[Natsune Nanase: M-chan said that it might be too early for you, Izumi!]
[Natsune Nanase: There’s no 3D model yet, and since you’re still a student, lessons were postponed.]
[Izumi Kainoh: …Yeah.]
M-chan’s judgment was accurate.
While other peers have already started singing or dancing lessons, I’ve only spectated at the studio due to being a student.
But that’s just an excuse.
M-chan must have noticed that I’m avoiding lessons because I dislike going out and meeting people.
It’s impossible not to notice.
Once the 3D model is complete and lessons start, it’ll be too late.
If I truly wanted to take lessons seriously, being a student shouldn’t be a hurdle at all.
“Ugh….”
I hate myself.
I absolutely despise myself.
Many people must have wanted to challenge themselves earnestly in this VTuber industry.
If they were those people, they would have smiled through any hardships during singing and dance lessons.
The fact that someone as insignificant as me has taken up that spot is so detestable.
[Why did Star’s Flow choose someone like this?]
[The more you know, the more disadvantages come out, LOL]
“Sniff, ugh….”
I thought I was somewhat immune to such hate comments and negativity.
I mean, as someone who’s fundamentally negative, I thought I could withstand a certain level of malice easily.
I’ve gone through quite a lot of negativity already, so I thought I could brush it off with a laugh.
But that was all a delusion.
Most of the negativity I’ve faced until now, honestly speaking, hadn’t really turned bad.
Everyone could laugh it off.
Even if real malice was intertwined in between, the amount and intensity were minuscule.
However, the current negativity is filled with malice and has blown up massively, and of course, the malice contained within has grown too.
[Is it insane for a senior to sigh about how bad the game is?]
“No.”
I never sighed. Just playing games with Kurokami, whom I liked even before debut, brought me joy.
[Why do you stutter so much? It’s uncomfortable to listen to, and you don’t seem to plan on fixing it.]
“I know.”
But it can’t be fixed. I hate this part of myself too.
[People like this are the very reason the company’s image is damaged.]
“…Yeah, it probably is.”
In this Star’s Flow company, I must be just a nuisance to my peers, seniors, and Natsune.
I hate it. I’m embarrassed. I loathe myself. I hate me.
Tears stream down, endlessly pouring out as if I can no longer keep my promise with Suzuha.
[Natsune Nanase: So how about just having a simple chat on the day itself?]
[Natsune Nanase: You don’t even have to come to the studio!]
[Natsune Nanase: Just a call during the MC part between the live segments is enough!]
So, yeah.
[Izumi Kainoh: I’m sorry. I don’t think I can do that.]
I can’t fulfill that request, Natsune-senpai.
★
[Izumi, are you really okay?]
“Ah, yes….”
Recently, Suzuha has been worrying about me every time we talk.
I know better than anyone that I’m not in a good state, so I try my best to hide it, but am I that obvious?
[That said, you’ve only gone live once since the collaboration, and that was just for the review.]
“Um, that… I’ve been working hard, so maybe I caught a cold, and I’m not feeling well.”
I’m sorry, Suzuha.
I couldn’t keep my promise with you.
Recently, every time I lie in bed, I cry.
Because I hate myself. Because I loathe myself.
[…Really? Izumi, can I ask you something? Is it about…]
“Ah, um! I think I have to hang up, Suzuha. I’m s-sorry….”
I hung up the phone in a hurry and stared at the ceiling.
“Of course, she must have noticed….”
Suzuha is incredibly perceptive.
She probably knows that there’s been a lot of negativity about me from the recent collaboration with Kurokami and that I’ve been surfing through such posts.
She must know everything.
If she finds out that I’ve even broken promises, she’ll surely hate me.
So, even if Suzuha is perceptive enough to realize what I’m going through now, I couldn’t ask for help.
[Izumi Kainoh always has negativity wherever she goes.]
[People like her raise their own confidence, which makes it an even bigger problem.]
“Ugh….”
I hate being the reason for that negativity.
There’s no way I could have confidence in myself. It always feels like I’m walking on thin ice.
“Mom, sis… I want to see you….”
I hate that my mom can only come back next week.
I hate that my sister lives alone.
I don’t want to be alone.
Ding!
[Natsune Nanase: I’m sure Izumi has various circumstances too. If it’s not possible, then it can’t be helped.]
[Natsune Nanase: …But I hope you can at least watch the 1st anniversary broadcast.]
★
After I cry, embarrassment always rushes in.
No matter how deep I sink into negative thoughts, that doesn’t change.
“Hah….”
Am I really mentally in my 40s?
With that thought, I sighed and read the DM Natsune sent.
[Natsune Nanase: I’m sure Izumi has various circumstances too. If it’s not possible, then it can’t be helped.]
[Natsune Nanase: …But I hope you can at least watch the 1st anniversary broadcast.]
Honestly speaking, I thought of not watching this anniversary broadcast.
As the eighth star among the seniors, it’s an embarrassing thing to admit, but I feel like I wouldn’t enjoy Natsune’s 1st anniversary broadcast at all.
Watching Natsune’s broadcasts brings me joy and strength.
But if I can’t even be happy watching her 1st anniversary broadcast, I fear I might lose affection altogether.
So instead, I decided that if my state improved, I’d watch it later.
However, if Natsune says this much….
“I can’t refuse….”
[Izumi Kainoh: I’ll definitely make sure to watch.]
Is this really the right thing to do?
I’m not sure.
Still, if there’s something I want, it’s for Natsune’s 1st anniversary broadcast to be enjoyable.
Ding!
[Natsune Nanase: Yup! Thank you!]
★
[【Natsune Nanase 1st Anniversary】 Finally Here, 1st Anniversary! First Anniversary 3D LIVE!]
That was the title of Natsune’s 1st anniversary broadcast.
The waiting screen featured an illustration of Natsune brightly smiling, reaching out as if to grab you, alongside Natsune in sports clothing diligently engaged in a dance lesson.
And “1st Anniversary” was boldly written in the bottom right corner.
It’s the 1st anniversary.
Thinking back to the day Natsune first went live, it honestly still feels unreal.
-(☆≧▽^))☆☆
-(☆≧▽^))☆☆
The chat was filled with eighth stars waiting for the broadcast to start, with the live waiting count nearing 10,000 people already.
I think the highest live view count during my collaboration with Kurokami was around 6,000….
As expected, she’s the one bringing a new heyday to the VTuber industry.
My proud favorite, Natsune.
“Hah.”
Before I knew it, the computer clock ticked to 7:59 PM.
Even though it’s not my stream, I’m nervously anticipating it.
What’s the reason for this?
Am I excited about being able to watch Natsune’s 1st anniversary broadcast?
Or is it something else….
With that thought, an eternity of a minute passed, and the alarm rang at 8 PM.
Simultaneously, the illustration on the screen flipped like a book, and a video started playing.
The video showed Natsune’s journey over the past year.
From her debut stream to game streams, 3D debut stream, chatting streams, birthday streams, etc.
As the eighth star, anyone would be touched by such an elaborate presentation.
Finally, it concluded with the most recent segment from yesterday’s 1st anniversary waiting broadcast.
[Our star that always shines.]
That was the title of the album.
The screen then turned completely black, and after a moment, it brightened to reveal:
[Alright! Let’s all have fun together today!]
Against a backdrop of a dazzling, expansive stage, Natsune stood with a cheerful smile, extending her right index finger high into the sky.
My idol, Natsune Nanase’s stage had begun.