Ball-Boy Tactics

I imagine it wouldn’t be too different from what I was picturing. He must have stepped outside the gym somewhere in Jeju to avoid others. The weather is so hot…

“Jungwoo, is this really what you called me over thirty times to talk about?”

There was a hint of laughter in his self-deprecating words.

So, I found myself laughing along with him, relieved that the conversation didn’t feel heavy. After taking a moment, Kwon Jungwoo’s voice became softer as he began to explain.

“Jungwoo, wait a second.”

It was rare for me to interrupt Kwon Jungwoo’s words—rare enough to count on one hand. Sensing the uncommonness of my reaction, he immediately stopped speaking.

I wondered what kind of expression he had right now. Maybe it was a good thing that I couldn’t see his face. I was about to say that everything was fine, but knowing him, he would have seen right through me just from my expression.

“You don’t have to explain. I saw Seungjin’s message earlier and I already understood what happened. I’m fine.”

His voice had calmed, filled with caution.

It seemed like Kwon Jungwoo thought I was angry, but that wasn’t the case. I didn’t like that he was apologizing to me, and I genuinely meant it when I said I was fine. He hadn’t done anything wrong.

This was just about my own feelings, and I didn’t want to keep talking about the rumor. The more we talked about it, the more I kept recalling how well people said he fit with someone else, and it made me feel like our relationship was on shaky ground.

I wanted to quiet those thoughts and keep things between us steady.

“No, really. I’m not upset at all, and I understand what happened. Honestly, you were a victim too. The whole thing was just a misunderstanding based on someone’s perspective, and the photos made it seem more plausible than it was. Even the picture of the dog you posted—people probably just thought it fit like a puzzle piece. But it was all just coincidence.”

“You really don’t have to apologize. I’m telling you, I’m

okay! I mean it. Oh! It’s so hot today. How’s the weather in Jeju? Since it’s down south, it’s probably even hotter, right?”

“But seriously, is it okay for you to be calling now? Is this your break? Make sure you drink lots of cold water, Jungwoo. It’s really tough to be sick when you’re away from home.”

Just when I thought I’d successfully changed the topic, Kwon Jungwoo didn’t go along with it. Instead, true to his straightforward nature, he addressed the very thing I had been trying to avoid.

“…”

“Well, but it’s not your fault. And—”

I wanted to reassure him that I was fine. That this kind of pain was something I could bear on my own, and he didn’t need to feel sorry in front of me.

No matter what you do, it’s fine. I’ll still be here for you. To convey that cool indifference, I even said the words that hurt me the most.

“You two did look good together, though.”

“Yeah. So rather than feeling angry, I was… just okay with it.”

“…”

A heavy silence lingered between us through the phone. The longer it stretched, the more I felt like invisible wounds were forming in its wake.

It was Kwon Jungwoo’s low voice that finally broke the quiet.

“…”

He paused, as if searching for the right words. After a long sigh that felt like I could almost hear his breath, his voice came back, softer than before.

His voice carried the clear edge of someone who was hurt. I quickly switched the phone to my other hand, feeling my heart race with anxiety.

“S-sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“I just didn’t want you to dwell on today’s events too much…”

“Ah…”

Of course not. I was left speechless by the absurdity of his question, and in the brief silence, Kwon Jungwoo’s voice came through again.

“Jungwoo, I’m sorry… I was surprised and confused when I first saw the article, too. But now, I’m really okay. I just wanted to show you that I’m handling it well, but I guess I went too far. I made a mistake. Please forget what I said. I’m really sorry…”

“I only said that because I didn’t want you to feel bad. You know how I feel. I can’t even imagine being without you—”

“Jiwon! We’re here!”

I was startled by the sudden voice, and when I turned around, I saw Kim Hyoseok approaching me. The others who came in with him were also happily calling my name. A few customers around us glanced over. I quickly lowered my head and whispered to Kwon Jungwoo.

“Sorry, I’ll call you back later. I’m really, really sorry.”

“Who is it, hyung? You’re so nervous. Is it your girlfriend?”

I hurriedly flipped my phone over so they wouldn’t see Kwon Jungwoo’s name on the screen. I didn’t even have time to hear his response, let alone end the call properly.

“It’s not like that.”

“Come on—it didn’t seem like just an ordinary call. Oh, is it your crush?”

“No, really. Just a friend. A close friend.”

***

My insomnia returned.

Lately, I’ve been painfully aware of how liking someone too much can lead to misery.

It’s been a week since Kwon Jungwoo’s dating rumor. That night, he didn’t bring up my slip of the tongue from earlier in the day. He only apologized for dragging my name into the media because of his dating scandal.

After that, we returned to our calm daily lives. Kwon Jungwoo trained from early morning until evening, while I was out shooting from midday until late at night. We exchanged messages expressing our frustration over the timing of our contact and comforted each other with the fact that the busyness would soon come to an end.

On the surface, we seemed healthy.

It had been over three weeks since I last saw Kwon Jungwoo, and my desire for possession and exclusivity towards him had grown uncontrollably.

I found it hard to wake up in the morning because I missed Kwon Jungwoo, and I felt an overwhelming loneliness when I fell asleep. I don’t know who said that distance physically also creates emotional distance, but that person clearly had never experienced love. Instead, I was worried I might end up in the hospital from lovesickness.

The express bus back home after my shoot was quiet. With fewer than five passengers on board, we all sat apart as if we had made a pact.

As soon as I sat down, I pulled out my phone. It had been stuffed in my camera bag all day, and the battery level was almost unchanged since the morning. Among the several notifications, the first one I checked was, of course, a message from Kwon Jungwoo.

I liked that Kwon Jungwoo took the time to ask even these trivial things. When I said similar things, it felt like obsession, but when Kwon Jungwoo said them, it felt like love. Or maybe I felt that way because I liked being restricted. It would have been nice if Kwon Jungwoo liked being restricted too. Then I would have been able to obsess over him like a relentless seaweed in the ocean.

The last of the messages exchanged while he was training was a few hours ago.

His last message struck me deeply.

It had already been a few days since our busy lives caused our contact to get interrupted. While each of us was focused on our respective duties, I had been checking my phone less, making it feel like we were on opposite sides of the world despite being in the same country.

Especially since Kwon Jungwoo seemed to feel even more like a loner because of my remarks that had hurt him recently. The word “loner” didn’t suit the energetic and free-spirited Kwon Jungwoo at all.

How could he feel lonely among the lively athletes around him…?

“……”

It was so clear that I was the cause of his feelings that guilt and remorse filled my heart. I thought of Kwon Jungwoo, who must have sent that message feeling dejected, and I wanted to hug his head, which was just a little above my height.

If the bus on the highway hadn’t been so quiet, I would have called him immediately to say that I wasn’t trying to avoid him, and that all I could see all day were subjects related to him.

But it was too quiet on the express bus to make a phone call. Even though there were no passengers around, the lights were off in the last bus of the night, making it feel too risky to raise my voice. Just then, when I was about to send a personal message instead, the group chat for <Understanding Architecture> appeared at the top of my screen.

I froze at his sudden remark. I was confused by what he meant, and instead of sending a message to Kwon Jungwoo, I entered the <Understanding Architecture> group chat.

Seeing his rapidly incoming messages, I missed the opportunity to refute. It takes energy to make excuses, and the way Byun Seungjin spoke with such conviction made me feel small.

What part of me showed signs of having a girlfriend? Did Kwon Jungwoo drop any hints?

I started to tremble my legs without realizing it due to anxiety.

I could hear his confident tone through the messages.

“……”

Should I say he has a good intuition or a bad one?

It was true that he guessed I had a girlfriend, but his reasoning was so flimsy that it made me chuckle. If I think about it, Byun Seungjin seemed to just be casually checking in.

I didn’t understand why the conversation was going in this direction again.

If they were athletes, they would know. Training involves focus, and athletes usually have good concentration. I, too, had developed a habit from a young age that once I focused, I couldn’t take my eyes off anything else, and I was in the middle of writing about how busy I had been.

Then the long-awaited name appeared on my screen.

“Ah, right…”

For a moment, I was glad to hear his name, but the feeling quickly faded. I felt so guilty for making him wait, yet the comment about being too busy with a fling lingered in my mind.

That’s not true. I’ve told everyone over and over that it wasn’t like that…

He knew better than anyone how busy I was. Was he just joking like usual? It was hard to tell, as all I had were the texts to go by. I was confused and flustered, unable to say anything as more messages kept coming in.

The message from Kwon Jungwoo with a laugh somehow didn’t feel lighthearted at all.

I felt like I had to say something, so I quickly began typing again, but more messages from Kwon Jungwoo started coming through.

After that, Byun Seungjin continued to criticize, but Kwon Jungwoo must have put his phone down because he wasn’t reading any of it. It was clear to anyone that he wasn’t just joking—he was upset.

Ah… this isn’t good…

My heart pounded as I realized I might have made Kwon Jungwoo angry. I felt so uneasy that I couldn’t even tap my foot, only breaking out in a cold sweat. The bus was still too quiet for a phone call, but I figured speaking over the phone would be better than messaging, so I moved to press the call button.

Suddenly, a private message came from Byun Seungjin.

“…….”

Byun Seungjin’s message hit me hard, and I couldn’t process it right away.

Kwon Jungwoo broke up? But we didn’t break up.

I had the urge to argue with him, but knowing Byun Seungjin had no idea about my feelings, I held back. He kept talking, unaware of the thoughts racing through my mind.

I wanted to text back, calling him selfish for not understanding his girlfriend’s feelings, but I restrained myself. Instead, I brushed it off, saying I didn’t remember well, and wrapped up the conversation quickly.

Byun Seungjin’s comment about Kwon Jungwoo acting as if he’d broken up with his girlfriend stuck in my mind. I couldn’t focus on anything else he said afterward, just fidgeting with the brim of my cap nervously.

Could it be that the conflicts we’ve had over the past few days are weighing on Kwon Jungwoo, and that’s what Byun Seungjin is misinterpreting?

Byun Seungjin wasn’t the most perceptive person, so it was entirely possible he’d made a wrong assumption just by seeing Kwon Jungwoo’s recent behavior.

“…….”

But what if… he really was thinking about breaking up? The thought I’d been trying to avoid now loomed large in my mind.

Even though he had confessed his feelings for me several times, it wouldn’t be strange if he grew tired of me after all the frustrations. It’s natural for affection to wane when someone keeps disappointing you.

Feeling increasingly anxious, I finally pressed the call button. Outside the window, the red and yellow headlights of cars sped past. Before long, Kwon Jungwoo picked up the phone.

As soon as he answered, he asked me to wait without saying much else. It sounded like he was moving to a quieter place to take the call. I could faintly hear some juniors greeting him in the background, followed by the sound of a door opening and closing. He must’ve stepped outside his dorm building.

I could faintly sense his breathing on the other end. Even though it was just for a brief moment, I recognized it instantly because I had missed him so much.

“No, I’m still on the bus.”

“…A little while ago.”

Kwon Jungwoo kept asking questions.

I felt relieved that I finally had the chance to explain, gripping my phone tightly. I lowered my voice to avoid disturbing the quiet bus.

“Sorry, I know it’s a bit late. I was going to text you right away, but then Seungjin suddenly started misunderstanding something, so I had to explain things to him for a bit.”

“Huh?”

His voice carried a certain weight as he repeated the same words. I was taken aback, assuming he’d understand once I explained the situation.

“I-I was going to call you right after I got off the bus…”

“…….”

Though he didn’t raise his voice, it was clear that Kwon Jungwoo was upset. He was blaming me for not calling sooner.

I felt scared and confused. I understood that he was disappointed I didn’t call right away, but I didn’t think it was something worth getting this upset about.

“Is it because the others keep teasing me about having a girlfriend? I should’ve been more firm when I said it wasn’t true. I’m sorry for not being clearer with them. I’ll make sure to explain it properly next time. I’m sorry…”

I apologized sincerely, thinking that was the issue, but Kwon Jungwoo called my name as if scolding me. There was a hint of a self-deprecating laugh mixed in.

“…What?”

“That might be true, but Jungwoo….”

In his usual pleasant voice, Kwon Jungwoo said things that were very unlike him.

He had always been diligent about his training. So, for him to say things like this just because I was late in replying, things that shouldn’t even be said in the gray area between sincerity and joking, I couldn’t understand. I couldn’t keep up with Kwon Jungwoo’s train of thought at all.

“Jungwoo, where would I even go? Don’t think like that. You always told me that if you get distracted during practice, you’ll get hurt. And ditching your training camp? That’s ridiculous. What are you going to do if you get disciplined with only a week left until completion?”

“…Am I affecting your training?”

Even though Kwon Jungwoo firmly clarified things, I still felt like a crack was forming in my heart. Once again, it seemed like I had disappointed him today, and I couldn’t help but feel restless.

To calm the frustration, I bent over so much that my forehead nearly touched my knees, tightly shutting my eyes. With a heart full of longing, I began to whisper hastily.

“I miss you too, Jungwoo. I miss you so much that I can’t even sleep properly every night. Even when I finally fall asleep, I wake up after dreaming only of you.”

“I’m sorry for the late calls. This is my first time in a relationship, so I was clumsy. From now on, I’ll try to stay in touch better and do my best so you won’t feel hurt. I’m also really sorry that I caused problems with your training. I won’t give you any more reasons to be upset… Please, just trust me one more time. I’ll really try hard.”

“…….”

We stayed silent for a while. Between us, only the quiet sound of the bus engine filled the space around the phone.

I wondered what kind of sounds Kwon Jungwoo, who was probably standing alone outside, was hearing right now. What thoughts were going through his mind, and what kind of expression was he wearing?

Outside the dark window, streetlights and cars sped by. The peaceful scenery, as usual, somehow felt enviable today.

After a brief silence, it was Kwon Jungwoo who spoke first. I was prepared to keep apologizing, but his unexpected words made me respond in a dazed voice.

“Huh?”

“But how could I have done nothing wrong? Just the fact that I made you feel hurt means I did something terribly wrong—”

“…….”

Maybe because his added words were spoken with a lowered voice, they sounded particularly melancholic.

When Kwon Jungwoo, whom I had expected to continue scolding me, suddenly apologized, I felt even more flustered. I straightened up and switched the phone to the other hand.

My biggest weakness was Kwon Jungwoo, and I was especially helpless when he showed vulnerability. The sight of him, usually so confident, suddenly deflated like this, tore me up inside.

“No, Jungwoo. It didn’t feel like you were being obsessive. And I don’t know if I should say this, but… I think I’d actually like it if you were a bit possessive! So just do what you’ve been doing and treat me however you feel. Honestly, I like your possessiveness and even being tied down by you. As long as it’s coming from you, I really like anything.”

After blurting out my feelings in a rush, Kwon Jungwoo let out a brief laugh. It was a laugh that sounded like he was exhaling deeply. Somehow, I got the feeling he’d misunderstood my sincerity as a joke, but since I made him laugh, I didn’t mind.

After Kwon Jungwoo brought up “obsession,” I felt like I understood his feelings better. The misaligned timing of our contact had been weighing heavily on him, just as it had been on me. He was feeling the same emotions I was going through.

Silently, I felt relieved. My anxiety about the uncertainty of our conversation faded away with the comfort of our shared understanding. I was immensely thankful that Byun Seungjin, who’d said Kwon Jungwoo would soon break up with me, had been wrong again.

Kwon Jungwoo kept apologizing for his love. But this wasn’t something he should be apologizing for…

I started counting the days until we could meet again. The contest submission deadline was near, and his training camp would end soon.

I hoped that day would come soon. Even though it was certain we loved each other, it pained me that we couldn’t just be happy right now.

***

Lately, I’ve been making every effort to keep my promise to stay in touch with Kwon Jungwoo. I worried that my own possessiveness might exhaust him, but above all, his peace of mind was my priority. I absolutely didn’t want to be a burden to him.

Contrary to my fears, it seemed like anything could be achieved with enough effort.

First, I woke up early in time for his morning workouts, had a two-minute phone call, and went back to sleep. A few hours later, I’d get up again, prepare to go out, and send a simple message. It wasn’t anything special—just a brief text to say I was heading out.

Then, while on a shoot, I made a quick call during the athletes’ lunch break. I had to avoid the gaze of my colleagues, and it was hot out, so I made the calls in a hidden corner.

It was a bit of a hassle to pack up and set up my camera equipment again, and my focus on the shoot suffered, but I didn’t mind. I just wanted my feelings to reach him all the way in Jeju.

The contact continued like that until nighttime, and thanks to that, the shaky thread of our relationship seemed to be finding its flow again. Kwon Jungwoo worried about my health, asking if I was trying to make him feel guilty, but I was doing it because I could manage.

Of course, I was feeling my energy gradually drain due to the lack of proper sleep, but strangely enough, as long as Kwon Jungwoo smiled, it was as if I’d gone through a miraculous recovery.

“Ah… It’s so hot…”

Even the sunset in July was scorching. The sharp sunlight had faded and the shadows had blurred, but the oppressive heat remained. Especially today, after spending the whole day in the busiest part of town, it felt suffocating.

While my colleagues easily navigated the crowded streets, I roamed around the alleyways taking photos. Even though I was wearing a cap and non-prescription glasses, I couldn’t help but be sensitive to the attention I was attracting.

Maybe it was because I hadn’t been sleeping properly lately, but I started to feel a headache from the fatigue. Even though it hadn’t been long since I last talked to Kwon Jungwoo, I was already dying to call him again.

“…….”

I had intended to take just a sip of my coffee, but I found myself absentmindedly chewing on the straw.

Taking a deep breath, I placed the coffee cup on the wall next to me. The alley was so narrow and cramped that there wasn’t even a proper place to set my coffee or phone, so I had to precariously balance them on the waist-high wall.

Maybe I should head back early today.

Even though I was feeling irritable, I had managed to take a few photos I liked, and I was mulling it over when a couple cautiously approached me from the alley. The moment our eyes met, I could tell they recognized me.

“Excuse me, are you by any chance Han Jiwon, the athlete?”