Bad Life

I couldn't think anymore. I felt like I'd lost the power to think. I lay curled up on the mattress like a dead animal until the afternoon wore on.
No one came to see me. It wasn't until evening that the workers arrived. They forced water on me and offered me a bowl of stew. I didn't eat and just sat there. Then Noose came and slapped me in the face. He didn't resist, but was struck several times. He was furious. He slapped me, kicked my shoulder, and stomped on my stomach several times. He took the beatings quietly. He didn't even feel pain.
Noose stopped swinging his fists and raped me. The workers watched. When the noose ended, they began gang-raping me.
At first, I was weak, but as time passed, I gradually gained strength. I obediently followed the worker's instructions to climb up and urinate. When he inserted his penis, I shook my hips in time with his thrusts. I sucked the workers' genitals thrust in front of my face. When I wouldn't speak, they forced me to. When I didn't moan, they made me moan. When I couldn't erect, they beat me. At first, it was rape, but later, it was adultery. We had orgies.
After about an hour, the workers left.
After they left, Simon and James came. Simon made James have sex with me. James cried as he had sex with me. As soon as he finally ejaculated, he ran away. Simon gave me water, made me urinate, washed my dirty body, and told me to take some medicine. He said he would have sex with me once I fell asleep. I took the medicine. I fell asleep.
The next day, and the day after that, and the day after that, it was the same. Sometimes the workers came in groups, sometimes alone. They left after relieving their lust. I didn't eat anything. Simon waited for an hour, two hours, with a spoon right up to my mouth, but I didn't open my mouth. After a silent standoff, Simon would leave without any results. But when the workers came and fed me, I did. They fed me and had sex with me. James came every day, too. He seemed to be dragged along. James always came only after the workers left. He penetrated me, crying, in my state of disarray. Simon gave me medicine every night. I obediently took the medicine he gave me. Every night, I slept soundly, painless.
I don't know if a week, two weeks, or a month passed. It was still hot, and I was still trapped there. At some point, they released my wrists. I put a noose-like leash around my neck and waited for people in the log cabin. Like a guard dog, like a dog waiting for its owner.
The workers grew fonder of me. James still cried. Simon gave me medicine every night. I never saw Matt, Jerome, or Acacia. I was kept by them, watching the summer outside the window. Then one day, James whispered in Simon's ear.
"I'll let you run away."
I stared blankly at him. Pushing him away, I curled up on my side.
I couldn't run away. I was paying the price. For the past five years, instead of atonement, I'd avoided and ignored the guilt of killing my friend. Now, I was finally being condemned.
There was nowhere to run. This was where I should have been.
Because I hadn't eaten properly, I spent most of my time sprawled on the mattress like a helpless piece of meat. In fact, all I did was eat, poop, sleep, and support him, so it was hard to believe I wasn't a piece of meat. I lay motionless all day, sleeping or sitting still. I only had one meal.
A few workers started coming by on their own. They seemed to have grown attached to me. They often brought me freshly baked bread and butter from the village. They also gave me fruit and other things. They also gave me cola and beer. I used to be a good eater, but my appetite drastically decreased, and I quickly lost weight. I was naturally strong and muscular, so I didn't become thinner, but my thighs, arms, and waist were slimmer than before.
It became increasingly difficult to tell the passage of time. Some days, I'd wake up after a long sleep, only to find it was still daytime. Other times, I'd fall asleep again and wake up only to find it was still daytime.
Whenever I fell asleep, I'd dream. The dream was always the same. Though my hands and feet were free, I'd lie on the mattress, waiting for everyone, with the rope around my neck still attached. I'd eat the food they gave me and serve them. Then, when I woke up, I'd repeat the same actions in reality. At some point, I couldn't remember when I fell asleep. Waking up always felt strange. Am I really awake? Where am I? Will I see a different landscape when I open my eyes? My curiosity always led to a dull conclusion. Whether I opened my eyes or closed them, the same scenery repeated itself. And so, I became accustomed to my sleep…
Thanks to that, I was able to hear Simon and "that man" talking.
It was when I woke up. I was so used to myself sleeping that even after I woke up, I still closed my eyes and breathed as if I were asleep. Simon, oblivious to anything, continued talking.

Unexpectedly, Simon was speaking in a soft, charming voice. It almost sounded like he was whining, like a child. It was a voice I'd never heard before.

There was no answer. But Simon continued talking, unconcerned.

The moment Simon called my name, my eyes opened involuntarily. Simon stared blankly at me. The face I saw in that moment was unfamiliar, like seeing someone for the first time. How should I describe it? A soft, gentle smile. I had never had the chance to realize that Simon knew how to make that expression. His deep eyes curved into crescent moons, staring intently at his beloved and adored lover. A peaceful happiness overflowed from his face. Yes, that expression was one that adored me...
But the moment our eyes met, everything vanished as if erased. Simon lay face down beside me, his head resting on his arm, staring at me. The moment our eyes met, he sat upright. His usual indifferent, hard expression returned, and he stared down at me with an annoyed silence.
I looked up at Simon and blurted out,


Simon answered surprisingly without hesitation.


I asked, simply out of curiosity. Simon stood up. But he didn't avoid the question.

With that, Simon walked away without a backward glance. The sun was just beginning to rise outside. From that day on, I began eavesdropping on Simon and conversation.
It seemed the drug had taken its toll. Normally, Simon would be by my side when I woke up, but after I first overheard the conversation with "that man," I would come to my senses while Simon was still around. Naturally, I didn't repeat my first mistake. I stayed awake until Simon left, pretending to be asleep and listening to his story.
"Aside from missing you terribly, today wasn't particularly special. Sometimes this life gets boring. I wish there was something else I could do. Come to think of it, I got a call from England before I came to Laburnum. They wanted me to help with the housework, but that wasn't something I could do..."
Even his story was incredibly ordinary. It was so ordinary that I couldn't admit he was an ordinary person. But Simon was ordinary.
"Today, pigeons suddenly came onto the set. Not one, but three. I don't know where they came from. I hate birds. I was terrified, but thankfully, Alice jumped up and shooed them away, so I just sat there. How about you, Raymond?" If you like, I can keep it, but I'll clip its wingtips a bit.
He leaned in and nuzzled my ear, acting cute.
"I don't know how much ✧ NоvеIight ✧ (Original source) I missed you… I remember when we lived at Bluebell. When I opened the door and went in, you were always waiting there. Even when I was working, if I thought you were here, if I thought you were waiting for me, I'd say, Raymond…"
He kissed my cheek and whispered.
"I missed you today, too."