Backwoods Dungeon

Chapter Forty-Eight

Glorious Loot

Theo

I rushed around the headstone to Dane, where I found him wriggling around frantically on the ground, his face absolutely covered in the sticky webbing.

Intellectually, I knew this sort of thing was possible. I’d cleared out the massive spiderwebs the doom spiders left on my front porch every now and then, wrapping the webbing around a stick until it was so thick it might as well have been Kevlar. And that was a normal spider that lived and thrived in Missouri in the springtime.

This was a magic demon spider spawned from hell and equipped with a ranged capture-muck capable of suffocating me. I was horrified.

Whatever Rio did, it worked as a wave of blue frost blasted out from the other side of the gravestone. I watched in shocked awe as the spiders seemingly froze. Their already turquoise coloring flash frozen to a deeper blue shade that no longer camouflaged them so well.

The waves of frost kept flowing out of the trap. They didn’t get all of the spiders on my side, though a few of my windblade totems were enough to keep them back while I knelt down next to Dane.

I wanted to grab the gunk on his face and try to pull it off, but I already saw that both of his own hands were stuck in the stuff. I didn’t think my own strength was significantly higher than Dane’s, so trying to wipe it off that way probably wouldn’t work.

His muffled screams beneath the ugly silk mask horrified me, but it told me he was still breathing. I just needed to get an airway cut. I grabbed him, and his struggles redoubled, unable to tell it was me.

“Dane! Dane!” I shouted. “It’s me! You have to calm down! I need to cut you an airway!”

“Mm phuk!!” He screamed. He was panicking. Desperate for air by this point. I was trying to hold him, but no words would convince him to remain still enough for me to help. Fortunately, Dane was a relatively small guy. Very skinny.

I was about to sit on him when I realized I had a better way to restrain him. I reached out to my mana pool and cast “Gripping Vines,” watching as the roots sprung forth from the ground. God, that skill was useful.

His right hand was already glued to his chest while his left was tugging madly at the webbing, but equally stuck to his face. The roots had no trouble wrapping around the man, binding him even as he screamed bloody murder.

It took forever for the roots to restrain him tightly enough that I could grab the arm of the hand pinned to his face. He was still kicking frantically with his legs but was otherwise stuck. I couldn’t control the vines, but it seemed they intuitively understood that I didn’t want them to impede my access to his face. With his neck barely able to move, I finally felt he was secure enough that I could begin cutting him an airway.

Gunshots were echoing around me. Now that those frost waves had frozen most of the spiders, they were easy pickings, and Rio eliminated them with expert precision. I didn’t have time to focus on her right now, though, as I delicately placed the knife across his lips.

I was confident in my healing aura to fix any non-life-threatening mistakes I might make here. Potions could fix a big mistake, but there was no guarantee we’d get one. All I had to do was make sure not to cut something vital… like his throat or an eye.

The webbing was tough, and I had to saw at it to get the ridiculously strong fibers to cut. The knife nicked his lips, and he flinched once or twice, but his struggles were becoming weaker as he ran out of air. Even the dense webbing couldn’t stand up to the sharp blade forever, though. It took far longer than it should’ve, but after a nerve-wracking minute of sawing through the spider-silk impression of my friend’s lips, I managed to break through.

Dane gave a huge gasp as he desperately sucked air through the small slit.

“Fuck… oh f-fuck. Gracias,” came his muffled voice when he was no longer in danger of dying. He still couldn’t see, but now that he could breathe, he was no longer flailing around in a blind panic. His lips were still sealed together but not so tightly that he couldn't speak.

“Not out of the woods yet,” I said as I scooped up a mana potion one of the spiders had dropped and threw out another totem. The new blades only hit one remaining spider, slicing it to bits with two quick flashes of wind. To my great relief, Rio had taken out the rest of them.

“That is one hell of a trap, hon,” I told her, genuinely impressed.

“Thanks,” she said with a huff as she collapsed against the waypoint pedestal. “Giant fucking spiders. What is this place going to throw at us next?”

“Imps would be my guess,” I said. “They must’ve heard us down every tunnel within ten miles of here. I don’t know if we can depend on this particular waypoint. The imps can claim them, too."

“Dammit. Well, you keep working on getting that webbing off, Dane. I’ll collect loot. What's one more clock, after all?” she said.

I nodded before turning back to Dane.

“Are you okay?” I asked while continuing to work. The silk was tough, but once I got an edge cut around his cheek, I could sort of peel it off his face while being careful to avoid getting my own fingers stuck in it. I had the feeling he wasn’t going to have eyebrows when I was done with this, though. I braced before ripping the offending piece of silk off, eliciting a loud scream as I uncovered most of his nose.

“You’re okay, man,” I said as my healing aura began to work on the raw red skin. Unfortunately, only the left side of the silk had come off. As I’d suspected, it had taken his eyebrows with it. Luckily, Dane had never been able to grow much facial hair.

“Wh-what the fuck, why!?” He asked, looking betrayed. Frankly, with how sticky this stuff was, I was surprised he didn’t lose skin.

“We need you on your feet, now. Pretty sure we’ve got imps on the way, and I don’t want to be here when they arrive in droves. Do you?”

I really hoped we never had to fight these things again. Imps were easier. All I had to do was kill them before they reached me and target the Booyaghs first. These damn camoflaged-spiders were far worse.

Dane, ever the smart and sensible one between us, shook his head and grit his teeth.

“Get me out of this thing,” he said, finding his spine. I blinked, unexpectedly impressed, as I slid the knife under the skin on his forehead before yanking it again.

This one was easier than the other side because his hand was still stuck in the crap and he was actively pulling it off his own face as I cut through it. This time I thought he managed to keep a bit of his eyebrow but the gunk still glued his fingers together. His other arm was pinned to his shirt.

I finally released him from the vines to see what the lower damage was. Fortunately, it was a bit easier to fix. I just cut his outer shirt off, grabbed the newly made rag by an end without sticky webbing on it, and yanked it off.

He screamed at that as half the hairs on his hand underwent a quick waxing, but at least he had one functional hand.

“Shit, I’m useless like this!” He said once he was finally fully freed. His fingers kept sticking together, and his pants were stiff where silk had hit them on the sides.

"We'll get you there, buddy," I said.

He scowled, though I wasn't trying to be patronizing.

Rio and I had been doing this for a while, but Dane hadn’t. We also had supernatural abilities. I didn’t know how well he’d have been able to hit those spiders with a fireball, but it certainly would’ve been more effective than the guns had been. Until Rio’s trap froze them all, anyway.

I blinked as a loud clanking sound echoed right beside me. I turned to find Rio dumping a small hoard of loot at our feet.

“Well, maybe some of this will help. If you can’t pull the trigger on a gun, at least we can get a sword in your hands,” she said happily. The loot pile had at least three swords. One of which was conveniently in a scabbard.

“Fuck yes!” I exclaimed happily as I immediately picked out a portal stone and loaded it straight into my backpack.

“I was happy to see that, too,” Rio said. “Hey, do you know what these little magnifying glasses are?”

She held up a group of three identifiers. I nodded. “Yeah. Look at the equipment with unknown properties through them. It’ll show you what effects the equipment has.

“E…quipment?” Dane said. “You didn’t mention anything about equipment.”

I blanched. “I didn’t? Really? Huh. I really would’ve thought I’d remember to bring up magic maces and health potions. Well. Surprise? The imps drop cool shit. And money, too! Err…”

I blinked as I looked around. “Uh… was there any money dropped, hon?”

She looked at me angelically. “I guess the spiders just don’t drop coins!”

I gave her a half-lidded stare before she relented.

“I needed to top off my mana. Gold does that for me, you know,” she said defensively.

“Your class is so broken,” I said with a chuckle. It amused me that the money went to our personal accounts and not our joint. I wondered what would've happened if the two of us had decided to do away with our joint accounts when we first got married. Would it have all appeared there instead?

There were more than just swords in the pile. A black cloak now adorned my wife’s shoulders, and she proceeded to tug it around her side and peer at it through the identifier.

The magnifying glass shattered in her hands, revealing the cloak's properties.

Wispersilk Cloak

Magic

Light

Armor: 2

+7 to Dexterity

+4 to Constitution

+1 to All Rogue Ranged Weapons Skills

“Wow,” I said, staring at the cloak. “That thing is amazing.”

“Right!? Don’t I look cool? If we weren’t probably going to be dead before then, I would so wear this to Comic Con.”

I blanched. “Dead?

She nodded somberly. “I had a vision when I touched the gravestone. Learned a lot in there, but long story short, we’re all fucked if we don’t get some seal away from the demon running this whole show. Apparently, all of this has been the work of just one. A weaker one at that.”

I shuddered.

“Well… that’s not on us. They’ve got to be sending Seal teams and marines and shit down here, right? All we have to do is find the prison, your friends, and get out. We’ve got a portal stone now. That’s one step closer.”

She winced. “Maybe? I hope…”

A small banging came from a distant tunnel, emphasizing our need for haste. “For now, we get as much of this loot on as we can and get the hell out of here.”

She nodded, and we turned down to look at the haul.

Three swords, two with magic properties, a fancy cloak that Rio now wore, a wooden circlet with leaves that glowed a hazy orange, five bundles of arrows because of course, and a pair of boots that looked like a claw had shredded them. There were also three health potions and one mana potion. One of the health potions looked different though. It was double the size of the regular ones.

We unanimously decided that the wooden circlet would be a good use for the next identifier, and we were right.

Nature’s Brow

The Earthly King’s Set (1 of 3)

A crown worn by a wise woodland king whose kingdom communed with nature.

+7 to Strength

+4 to Constitution

+3 to Wisdom

+1 to Living Woods (Druid Skill)

Increased Resistance to Fire Attacks

An Intelligence of at least 12 is recommended to use this item

A Charisma of at least 12 is recommended to use this item

Score! I had the stats for it already!

“Living Woods. Is that what I think it is?” Dane asked curiously. He’d been quiet up tilil this point.

“It's one of the skills I could pick, yeah. High mana cost, but it looks like I can try it out without having to spend a point on the skill. I knew that equipment could do that. My old mace gave Plus one to a Cleric skill.”

“I’m still bitter about them taking all that stuff,” Rio said irritably.

“At least they didn’t get my trousers!” I exclaimed.

Rio chuckled involuntarily. “You’re not funny. What does it mean by set anyway? The staff we had in the prison was also described that way.”

“Might need different pieces to get the full effect?” I asked. “The Earthly King’s Set. There must be a few more items that go with it.”

“Huh,” she said. “It seems almost completely random what we get from these things. I’m actually a little surprised we didn’t get equipment for a necromancer or a bard or something.”

“Maybe not entirely random? We have a rogue and a druid in our party here, and equipment for both dropped. How many spiders did we actually kill?”

Rio shook her head. “No idea. I had to reload more than once, though. I got a level out of it, by the way.”

“More points in Eagle Eye?” I asked.

“That or the Frostbite Trap. That thing has saved my life twice now. I don’t think we could’ve handled these spiders without it. I’m leaning toward that since the cloak gave me another point in Eagle Eye while I wear it! I’m considering Multi-Shot, too. It’s supposed to magically split a projectile weapon. It’s geared towards bows, but if it works on bullets…”

My eyes widened, and now I was doubly regretful I hadn’t chosen rogue. I remembered my thought process at the time. I'd been thinking in terms of using these abilities in regular life and hadn’t believed the goblins – imps, I supposed – were actually going to be a real problem.

Stupid. Utterly stupid. Still, it wasn’t as if my class offered no benefits. Dane’s rapidly healing face was a testament to that.

“I’m reconsidering my choice of class,” Dane said, echoing my thoughts, and we both laughed. I was glad to see he hadn’t lost his nerve. He was using the common sword to carefully cut the silk off his hand while we spoke.

“So, do we want to identify one of the swords? I’m not going to take one. I’m happy with my gun and my traps. Dane?” Rio asked, changing the subject.

“I don’t think so,” Dane said. “We might get something amazing, and frankly, none of us want to be in the thick of fighting directly. I’ll get my hand out here. You said the imps weren’t too hard to kill with a gun, right?”

I nodded at the question.

“Well. Let's just hope we don’t run into any more of these fucking spiders, and if we do…? Rio, my friend? Please lead with the ‘fuck-up-everything’ ice trap?” Dane said.

"Heh. Will do," she said with a small blush.