Are You Even Human

The hotel we end up having reservations at is fancier than I expected, but not by a lot. I guess growing up, my foster families were always too poor to take us on any major vacations, but I had just kind of assumed there wouldn't be enough market for fancy tourist destinations like this. Between the pool, hot tub, and built-in bar, that assumption has been thoroughly proven false. Maria wiggles her eyebrows meaningfully towards the pool when we pass it, and I have to say I'm a little tempted, but for obvious reasons none of us brought any swimsuits. And naughty bits or no, I doubt anyone would appreciate me swimming in their pool naked.

Somewhat predictably, no one managed to locate any suspicious superhumans during our trip so far. I doubted any of the villains would approach us out of the blue on our first day here, and if we could just randomly run into them while wandering around I suspect this operation would have been busted already. Of course, I'm not complaining about the lack of progress. It's nice having time to relax somewhere other than a heavily monitored military base.

The elevator drops us off at our floor, letting us quickly locate and unlock the door to our room. Christine and Anastasia greet us with varying degrees of enthusiasm the moment we step inside, the two of them having already arrived because we didn't want our entire group to show up at the same time. The room smells fresh and clean, and as expected it only has two beds. While there is certainly part of me that wants to take advantage of this situation, I refuse to be that cliché. Christine will probably struggle to get any sleep if she doesn't have a bed of her own, so Maria and Anastasia can share one bed while I just sleep in the body of an animal.

"They really couldn't have sprung for at least a pull-out couch or something?" Christine grumbles.

"Well, think about it this way: the boys have to share beds too, and that'll probably be really funny."

"That is a good point," Christine agrees. "Who do you think is going to sleep with who? I mean, Felix and Oscar went on a Ferris wheel today. Maybe they'll cozy up."

"Oscar doesn't strike me as secure enough in his own masculinity to willingly share a bed with someone," I answer. "Which means Peter is probably going to do everything in his power to sleep with that boy as a joke."

"Wait, like sleep with him, or sleep with him sleep with him?" Christine asks.

"I imagine just regular sleeping, but I suppose that depends on Oscar," I respond. "I'm not sure whether or not Peter is actually attracted to men, but he's certainly attracted to the bit."

"Do you think they'll give Ed his own bed?" Maria wonders. "Does he need one?"

"I'm sure Ed knows the answer to that question and can take care of himself," I respond. "More importantly, does anyone mind if I sleep at the foot of one of the beds, or should I stick to the floor?"

"You should go downstairs, sleep in the pool, and scare the everloving crap out of whoever opens up in the morning," Christine answers.

"Like I told Maria earlier today, I don't really wanna breathe chlorine," I tell her.

"Well, is that your primary objection here? 'Cause we can probably work around that," Christine says. "Just grow whale lungs and hold your breath all night or something like that. Go all marine mammal on 'em."

"As tempting as the idea sounds, I don't think the pool cleaners deserve to think they have a corpse in their building. That seems more mean than funny."

"I guess," Christine sighs.

"I think this entire conversation could be considerably improved if Julietta was a baby tiger," Anastasia says.

"Oh, true," Christine nods, pointing at Anastasia. "The kid makes an excellent point."

I sigh.

"Careful about calling me Julietta, hon," I remind her, but obediently shrink down into a powerful and fearsome little kitten. "Meow."

Anastasia squeals with delight and immediately rushes over to collect me. Lifting me up into her arms, she hops onto one of the beds, places me in her lap, and starts carefully digging her claws into just the right places around my ears.

"Okay!" she declares. "It's time for the best part of hotels. Cartoons!"

"Well, you'd know better than me," I allow. "Somebody with hands check to see what's on."

After much searching, we eventually find a channel to watch (Anastasia is apparently very picky about her cartoons) and we all settle in to relax before bedtime. The sleeping arrangements turn out like I expected because of course they do, and before I know it I find myself floating slowly down through the void.

I don't remember the last time I was here that well. Surely I've had this dream at least a few times in the past month or so, but I'm not sure if Possibility and I actually spoke at all. I hope they're not mad at me, given the whole Blasphemy thing. I didn't blaspheme against you too hard, did I old buddy?

A rumble throughout the space shakes the very core of my being. My god stirs, its realm twisting and warping in response to its every thought. It is nearly impossible to so much as exist here without being humbled, but I am nothing if not stubborn. I will not allow myself to be impressed by something so meager as omnipotence.

ONe caN dEny poS-ib-lity in thOUGht, my arrogance shatters, buT NEver in dEEd.

Ow. Ow ow ow ow ow. That's right. That's why I don't normally talk to this guy. Still, that seems awfully flexible as domains go. If you are effectively the god of all conceivable actions, and probably also a few inconceivable ones, is there anything I can actually do to piss you off?

A single word breaks me apart, understood only after I am reformed from fragments.

Nothing.

Oh, okay, that doesn't seem too hard. Just continue doing literally anything. As divine commandments go, I can handle that much. Unless, of course, my god isn't talking about simple inaction. Since I hear there just so happens to be a god named Nothing, one that 'conquered all others,' my own included, I imagine that might be something that even the god of anything would be displeased at.

But hey, that's cool, it's cool. I'll figure something out, right? Right. Of course. It's just the most powerful of all gods, no big deal. Say, unrelatedly, is it true you intended to make me into a Queen?

All thiNGs ARe pO-s-ble, my soul cracks. YoU are whAT You bECome.

Ow. Fuck. Well. Thanks for the vote of support, Possibility.

YoU ARe BELOV-D, my nature affirms. YOur JOY is mY J-Y! My BLE-SinG is fOrEver YOurs.

I shudder as I return to existence, my entire mind singing with happiness at such an overwhelming endorsement of my being. Ah…! For something so powerful to love me so much, I… I can't even understand it. I have no want or need to understand it, only to feel it. No wonder the aliens are so obsessed with the satisfaction of their patrons! Literal divinity loves and supports me. What other happiness do I need?

…Besides, y'know, safety, comfort, friendship, personal fulfillment, and all that other stuff I'd frankly much rather care about. Fuck, what am I even thinking? Was Possibility mind controlling me? No, that… that feels wrong. Possibility doesn't exactly have the sort of gentle touch I'd expect from a proper manipulator, I think it just isn't particularly good at not completely blowing the mind of mortals. It takes me a significant amount of conscious effort to push all that joy aside and remain true to myself, but it's not like I don't have experience repressing emotions. It's not too difficult, in the end.

But it is a little spooky. Do other people get dreams like this? If so, how does the military not seem to know where powers come from? And if not… why not?

Oh, shit, the world is starting to stir. That wasn't a question for you, Big P! I've had more than enough migraines for one night. But I wouldn't mind just hanging out here, if you're amenable. As dreams go, softly floating through a world that loves me isn't too bad.

I suspect my god must have agreed, because I wake up feeling better rested than I ever have in my entire life. Uncurling my body and arching my back, I yawn as my fur stands on end. Damn, that feels good.

"D'aww, big yawn!" Christine coos, causing me to leap a solid foot straight up.

"Agh!" I yelp. "Wh… Christine!?"

"What are you so surprised about?" she asks smugly, sitting on the foot of the bed as she puts on her shoes. "We lived in the same room for like a month."

"Yeah, but you've never woken up before me!" I point out.

"Ha! I know, right!?" she agrees happily. "We're all ready to go, but you're just so absurdly adorable none of us could bear to wake you. You kept doing all these cute stretches while you slept, your leg did this little kicky thing… oh man, it was great. Your powers are so good."

"Uh, thanks, I guess," I say, shifting into a humanoid form and using octopus skin to fake clothing. "I guess I'll go put some fabric on, I'll be ready in just a sec. Didn't mean to make anyone wait."

"Pfft, you're fine," Christine waves me off. "We're on vacation, remember? You deserve to sleep in."

Eh. I won't argue the point, even though I kind of want to.

"Where are Maria and Anastasia?" I ask.

"Down getting breakfast in the lobby," she answers. "Which is where we're going too, whenever you're ready."

"Got it."

I take a quick shower (spending most of it wondering if I actually need to shower or if there's some weird thing I could do with my power to clean myself off) and toss some clothes on, doing my best to make sure Christine waits for me as little as possible. Maria and Anastasia are mostly finished with breakfast by the time we get there, but they still sit with us while we chow down on a cheap breakfast buffet. Everyone assures me no less than three times over the course of the meal that they're fine waiting for me, which means I probably apologized about it too much. I bet that's annoying. Gotta make sure that doesn't happen next time I mess up.

Still, I do my best to take advantage of the buffet until Christine finishes eating, devouring as much as I can in the time allotted. Apologies to the people running the place, but you promised all I can eat and best I can tell I can eat infinity. And boy do I want to; over the past month I've managed to recover all the biomass I lost in the fight with the Council of Blasphemy and then some, but I still want more. If I can lose it all that quickly, it's nowhere near enough. I have to pack in the calories as much as I can, whenever I can.

"So… I didn't really get a chance to ask last night, but how was your date?" Christine asks.

"Oh my gosh, yeah!" Anastasia yelps. "I got distracted by cartoons! How did it go!?"

"Oh, um, it went… well?" I blink.

"It went great!" Maria confirms. "I had a really good time."

"Aw, don't just leave it at that!" Christine insists. "Did Ms. The Thing here let you kiss her or not?"

"I kissed her, actually," I correct. "She very much earned it."

"Oh my god!?" Christine laughs, as Maria blushes and looks away. "I can't decide if that's the best or worst way to say that? Still, I guess I should have expected you'd make the first move after all our teasing."

"…Am I really that easily manipulated?" I mutter.

"Only by your friends who know you very well and care about you very much," Christine answers. Which… is not very reassuring. "You're giving me the 'that is not very reassuring' face. You're wrong. It is reassuring. Dumbass."

Wh—! How did… am I really that obvious!?

"Ha! Woah, you went through like three different faces there. Careful, I don't wanna get swarmed by your fans when we're on vay-cay."

"You realize I could say your name once and you'd get a dozen different people all wanting your autograph, right?" I ask. "In fact, if you keep insisting on making jokes at my expense…"

"Woah, Jesus, no need to escalate that hard," Christine says, putting up her hands in surrender. "You win, you win. I don't want to risk your wrath, of all people."

"Could have fooled me," I grumble, shoving more food into my mouth and making it vanish. Way better than having to actually chew the damn stuff. I'll save actual eating for food that tastes good. Like peanut butter.

Huh. I just realized I have free time and money. I could probably just go buy jars of peanut butter.

"You can be a little ruthless, sometimes," Maria smirks at me. "You realize that you don't always have to go full nuclear option, right? Especially among friends."

"There are several degrees of threat more extreme than revealing Christine's identity," I protest. "But in this context, the degree of escalation was chosen to make it seem deliberately absurd; of course I'm not going to do something like that to Christine, who I know hates attention pretty passionately. Therefore, I expected it to be interpreted as a joke that could be used to springboard into a different subject entirely. Besides, I had to say something at least a little extreme, I can't allow a precedent that lets people expect I won't retaliate if they call me a dumbass. It genuinely offends me."

Maria's eyebrows furrow with concern.

"…Are you using an alien brain right now?" she whispers at me.

"I'm using a hybrid," I answer. "And I know you're going to tell me it's obvious and I'm acting weird but this is just the stuff that normally goes on in my head. I know it's uncomfortable to hear me say it out loud, but you were the one who said you wanted to hear more of my thoughts yesterday. I'm… trying that out."

"You're thinking stuff like that all the time?" Christine asks, her expression starting to match Maria's.

"Well not consciously, I mean, I've been managing social situations for so long that it's fairly automatic at this point," I explain. "But that's more or less the kind of logic I form my interpersonal habits around, yeah. I like to be intentional with as many things as possible. I like to have reasons for what I do and say. It's honestly a little frustrating that people act like it's weird and concerning if I ever bring attention to it, but I've accepted that's just how humans are."

"There you go talking about humans as if you're not one of us again," Maria frowns.

"Just because I was born human doesn't mean I'm not at least a little happy to have other options," I grumble back. "Humans are inefficient, overly emotional, irrational messes. It just so happens that all of my favorite people currently happen to be human, so I'm begrudgingly protecting the species from annihilation. We all have to make sacrifices for our families, from time to time."

My friends stare at me. Anastasia eats a muffin.

"…Geez, you really gotta not say things like that in public," Christine sighs.

"And what do you mean when you say all of your favorite people currently happen to be human?" Maria asks.

"I'm joking," I insist. "It was a joke. Come on, guys, we've been through so much that at this point, even if I was an Angel, I'd just tell you. You know me well enough to know what I'm about, as you keep repeatedly reminding me. I will try to stop poking at the issue, though. I understand that it makes you uncomfortable."

If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.

Maria and Christine share a look.

"This really isn't about the Angel thing anymore," Maria says.

"Yeah," Christine agrees. "It's more that, if this is the way you think about stuff all the time, we're kind of worried about you, like, emotionally?"

"Yeah, this is exactly why I keep this stuff to myself," I sigh. "Honestly, I don't know why I've been saying all of this today, but I'm seriously doing fine. I feel better than usual, actually. I'm sort of…"

I frown, trying to figure things out.

"…In… a good mood…?" I hesitantly conclude. "Huh. Yeah. I feel good today. I wonder why that makes me talkative."

Unfounded optimism, maybe? I wasn't expecting to have this whole conversation over a few offhand attempts at humor, but I normally would have known better.

"I've got myself into a ton of trouble getting a crush on you, haven't I?" Maria sighs.

"What?" I bristle, slightly literally before I force myself to stop growing quills. "I hope not? I don't want to be something you need to be concerned about."

"It's nothing, don't worry about it," Maria insists. "I'm happy you're in a good mood, though. I'm definitely still pretty happy about yesterday."

"Yeah," I agree. "I guess that's it. I'm happy about yesterday, too. Though speaking of, we should figure out our plans for today. I didn't plan out this vacation very well in advance."

"Well, we should at least meet with the boys there in an hour," Maria says, "but otherwise, yeah, We could just rotate people through the attractions we've already covered?"

"You just want to ride the Ferris wheel," Christine accuses.

"Maybe," Maria admits.

"I wanna go to the aquarium!" Anastasia declares. "I wanna see it!"

"Well alright then, we can do that," I shrug. "I don't have any better ideas. We should head out staggered, though. Anastasia, do you wanna head out first or second?"

"Hmm… you guys can go," she decides, kicking her feet. "You seem like you need a walk."

Huh? Does even Ana think something's up with me?

"I guess maybe I do," I answer. "I'll try to clear my head. Ready whenever you are, Maria."

"We can stick around and eat more if you want," she says with a smile.

"…Sure, okay."

I stuff my face until the staff starts to look at me with genuine worry and then leave to head for the park. It's still a bit before we're supposed to meet with the boys, so Maria and I take the scenic route, enjoying the open air and well-sculpted greenery. I continue collecting templates, my domain brushing over everyone we pass and soaking up info on every bug, bird, and blade of grass that gets close enough. It might be my imagination, but my domain feels larger today, too. Stronger. Not by a ton, but by a lot more than I'd expect after only a day.

I had… I had one of those dreams last night, right? I feel so much more confident that I didn't do anything wrong in Possibility's eyes. It's a more reassuring thought than it usually is, but… eh. Not important one way or another, as long as my god isn't planning to screw me over.

And I don't have to worry about that, because that would defeat the p—wait. Was that…?

I discreetly shift some new eyes to glance over in the direction I could have sworn had a domain in it and spot a boy a little older than me walking swiftly away. Holy shit. I think we found someone.

"Hey, Maria?" I ask casually.

"What's up?" she responds.

"Which color would you say is best at acting?"

"Uh… why?"

"Because I need you to not alert someone that we're onto them," I answer quietly. "Which we are. As of now. Power-walker in the navy hoodie."

Her eyes widen, rapidly switching between colors before settling on purple. Huh. I don't see Purple in control very often. She gives me a subtle nod.

"We're going to cut him off," I whisper. "If he breaks line of sight or runs for it, text the group while I chase him down."

Purple nods again and we continue our walk, not quite keeping pace with our target but keeping him in sight. As we pass by a tree, she reaches her hand out and summons White in fairy form behind the trunk, who quickly flits up the branches to hide between the leaves.

Our target glances around nervously, having almost certainly noticed my domain the moment I noticed his, but not seeming to have identified me as the source. His domain felt a little like Peter's, with all the natural arrogance of Perfection and the bloom of power that accompanies it as it and Possibility feud. Interesting how all the other gods hate a god called Perfection, but I suppose it's only natural. Anyone who declares that they know the only truly ideal way to live a life is going to naturally piss off everyone who disagrees.

Man, he looks nervous. I suppose I'd be nervous too, in his shoes. He starts picking up the pace, forcing us to speed up a little to keep him in view, and that's when he finally seems to identify us, pulling out his phone and sprinting out of the park, heading northwest. Go time.

"Grab my clothes?" I request, sealing my phone into a glass jar and swallowing it. Purple nods, so I lift up my arm, shift it into a bird, and absorb the rest of my body, letting my clothes drop to the ground as I swoop to pick up speed and rush off into the sky. I'm not sure if my target sees me as he sprints into the street, forcing a few cars to slam the brakes in order to not hit him, but he makes his way towards the closest building anyway, intending to head inside and break line of sight.

He manages to enter a nearby store before I can catch up to him, but that's alright. I gain altitude, circling above the building and waiting for someone to exit via one of the back doors. He still has to run, after all; if he doesn't, we can probably just surround the place and capture him fairly trivially. We don't actually want to capture him (at least not yet), but he doesn't know that.

Sure enough, he rushes out into a back alley, away from any other witnesses. Bingo. I drop into a dive, letting gravity accelerate me hundreds of miles an hour before impacting the concrete in front of my quarry, letting my body splatter and shiver before growing into something humanoid enough to speak with.

I don't assume my Seraphim form, since that seems a little too aggressive, and I don't use a purely human body, since I'm quite nude. Instead, I form something comfortable and relaxing, a kind face with tentacles instead of hair running down my scalp to the small of my back. Octopus skin creates a facsimile of decency, covering my thighs up to my chest so I can make myself obviously feminine without it being too distracting. I don't need the extreme musculature or rending claws of my combat-oriented bodies, but I go ahead and include a sinuous tail as a further departure from my Seraphim form, letting it twitch behind me as I rise to stare my target in the eyes.

He panics immediately. I hold up my hands in surrender and talk to him like he's a frightened cat.

"Hey! Hey, calm down, it's okay," I assure him softly. "You're not military, right? I figure you wouldn't have run if you were military. Can you help me?"

He stares at me, seeming shell-shocked. …Which I guess is a good reason to run from the military.

"Wh—hel—aren't you Seraphim?" he squeaks.

"My name is Lia," I lie. "I don't want to be called Seraphim any more than I want to be Seraphim."

Slowly but visibly, he starts to put two and two together, assembling the pieces I laid out for him with the instructions I gave him.

"You… want out?" he asks.

"Uh, yeah," I say like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

"Can you not just… become someone else and disappear?" he asks.

"And do what?" I fire back. "Be a homeless vagrant with no legal status or identification? Yeah, law enforcement never tries to card people like that."

"Couldn't you steal someone else's identity?"

"Somehow, I suspect they would notice that," I roll my eyes. "What do you want me to do, kill somebody and take their place? Hell no. Not if there are actual experts who can help me out. And there are, aren't there?"

"I…" he hesitates. "I'm not supposed to be talking to you."

"Come on, man, do you think I'm going to fucking narc?"

"Where's that girl you were walking with?" he asks.

"Maria? Behind us somewhere, she can't fly. Well, usually. She wants out, too."

"I can't just show up with two extra people," he hisses. "There are procedures for this."

"Okay, well, what are the procedures?" I ask. "You want out, I want out… let's help each other out. I'm desperate here. Please?"

I clasp my hands together and lean forward, making sure he's able to easily see down my 'shirt.' It feels a little gross, but this guy doesn't seem like he has the most self-control in the world so it'll probably be effective.

"I… I don't know," he says anyway. Damn it. "You're like, a war hero. You're strong. Do you really want out? My powers can't kill Angels. I hear you killed three. You might be the next Agnus Dei. You can make a way bigger difference than I ever could."

"Oh, are you objecting to me deserting on moral grounds?" I scowl. "You hypocrite."

"No," he says. "I'm objecting because I don't think they'd actually let you out of their sight. D-do you think I'm stupid? No one just corners someone in an alleyway and asks if they're defecting. You're a plant."

"Not usually," I answer. "Photosynthesis is not a very efficient method of energy intake."

"What?" he says, and then I lunge at him.

After all, he's entirely correct. I can become someone else. And that's probably enough to make this operation work.

To my surprise, however, as I reach out with all eight of my tendrils and both of my arms, my target jumps back with the perfect timing to avoid all of them, twisting his body in just the right way so that my surprise attack misses. Irritating, and almost certainly part of his power. I pursue, and though he manages several more impressive dodges, his precision can't really compare with my overwhelming strength, speed, and reach. Growing towards him, I encircle him with arms and tighten my net the moment it catches him. Half-melting into a living straightjacket, I bind him up, shove some flesh into his mouth to stop him from screaming, and force him to his knees.

"Okay, I'll admit you're half right," I whisper with a mouth formed beside his face. "The brass wants me to be a mole. But I'll let you in on a little secret: I haven't decided if I actually want to do that or not. Why don't you help me decide… hmm. What's your name?"

He tries to scream instead of answer, so I wrap my tentacles more tightly around his throat and burrow into his pockets until I find his wallet. His domain is pretty pathetic too, so I worm my way through that without any trouble. Let's see…

"Bradley Cartwright," I read. "Well, nice to meet you, Bradley. Can I call you Brad? Did you run before even getting to boot camp, Brad? Your musculature is not very impressive. You'll be an annoying body to wear, if I have to resort to that. So how about you don't make me, hmm?"

He whimpers. I shake him.

"Focus, Brad," I tell him. "You have two options here. You can help me infiltrate the group smuggling people out of this city, or I make you disappear and use your body to infiltrate them myself. I'd really recommend the first option. Easier for both of us. Play your cards right, and I really might even defect myself. You'd rather have me on your side than not, right? Nod or shake your head."

He nods. Good. I'm not really a fan of scaring the shit out of this guy, but it seemed like the most effective plan B after talking my way in didn't work. I really thought I could rope him in, but I guess I'm a little too intimidating to put people at ease anymore. Either that or he's gay.

"If you try to run again, or you try to screw me on this, you are not going to like what happens," I threaten. "But if you comply, I will have no reason to do anything to you whatsoever. Might even let you escape after it's all over. What do you say?"

Another nod. I retract from his body, taking my former octopus girl form and growing my phone-in-a-jar out of my palm to check my messages while Brad staggers back into a wall and takes deep breaths to stop himself from vomiting. Looks like Maria shared that we were in pursuit. I quickly inform everyone that I've got an in and will be beginning infiltration. I'll leave my phone GPS on when it's not inside my meatspace so they can stay close to support as needed.

"Okay," I say. "Tell me what you know."

"Th-there's not much to know!" he says. "Someone without powers approached me on my way to registration. They gave me a phone number and instructions on where to go and when. That's all I know."

Before he registered, huh? So this guy wasn't even pulled from active service.

"Sounds fishy as hell," I tell him frankly.

"It was that or die in a war," he says glumly. "My power barely even does anything, and I have to work for the military for the rest of my life just because I have one? It's complete bullshit."

"Well, no arguments there," I admit. "You think it'll be a problem if you show with a plus one?"

"I mean… yeah, I imagine they'd be suspicious," he says. "They were pretty clear there would be consequences if I ever told anyone about them. Y'know, like I'm doing right now."

"Well, I guess I'm sneaking in. Pardon me."

I turn into a snake, slithering up to him and hissing when he tries to scurry away. He freezes, and I take the opportunity to crawl up his shirt, wrap my body around his torso, and go full ouroboros, fusing my tail to my face so I can just hang there without having to waste energy on holding on.

"This is incredibly weird," Brad whines.

"Did you get to pick your powers?" I grumble at him. "Didn't think so. Now head to the meeting spot. You didn't tell them you were being followed, right?"

"I… did, actually," he admits. "Sent them a text, but they didn't answer. I don't even know if the number they gave me is still in service."

"Well, we'll deal with it when we need to deal with it," I sigh.

"They're not going to attack us when they discover you, are they?" he whimpers.

"If they do, I'll protect you," I answer. "Letting me knock you out, steal your clothes, and wear your body is still on the table, but again, I'd prefer to not."

"…I would also prefer you not," he agrees.

"Fantastic. Head for the spot you're supposed to get picked up at, then."

"Won't they detect you? Because of our… aura… things?"

"Domains," I correct. "And not if you refuse to let them. You aren't very strong, so we might get found out anyway if they're pushy, but I'm currently keeping my domain inside of yours and actively not fighting any domains that come my way. It should camouflage me unless they have someone particularly sensitive to domain qualia, in which case yes we are fucked. But we'll probably also be close enough to do something about it."

"Oh," Brad says, idly poking me in the head as he stands up.

"Quit that," I admonish him. "You need to pretend I'm not here. Would it help if I made myself smaller?"

"Maybe?" he admits.

"Alright, but I'll have to temporarily grow bigger to talk to you."

I shrink myself thinner, keeping room only for a rudimentary central nervous system as I turn myself into more or less an elongated tapeworm around his waist. Then, I feel him move, the shirt getting slightly warmer as he steps out of the alleyway and back into the sun, moving towards the park. He walks, and he walks, and… he walks.

Hmm. We've gotta be back at the park by now. I risk growing eyes big enough to see a bit through his shirt and yeah, he's not betraying me that I can tell, we are walking around the park.

"Did we miss it?" I whisper.

"I don't know," he answers. "I was told it might take a while and I should just keep walking."

Hmm. Well, I don't have any better plans.

"Okay," I allow. "Then keep walking."

I spend the next couple hours hanging onto some dude's belly like a baby sloth. It is… boring. But it's also my job, so I do it without complaint. I'm getting increasingly confident that this whole thing is a bust—the people running things probably noticed us contact this guy or something—but just when I'm starting to think I should throw in the towel, I feel the briefest touch of a foreign domain. It feels like walking through a painting of a door on a solid wall. Silhouette.

The air changes. It's… cooler now. Air conditioned. We're inside a building somehow. Brad stops walking. A shuffle of nearby movement indicates we aren't alone.

"Okay, that's the last one," a voice says. Slightly androgynous, but mostly masculine. Sounds exhausted. "Jesus, kid. You popular with the ladies or something?"

"W-what?" Brad asks, stiffening immediately. Bad poker face. Probably should have coached him a little. Too late now.

"I'm just teasing you," the voice dismisses. Thank goodness. "Took us a while to find an opportunity to bring you in, that's all. Good on you for sticking with it, though. Sorry it took so long. Feds were probably watching again, had to be extra careful."

"O-oh, um. So… we're here?" Brad asks.

"We're here," the mystery voice I have yet to see answers. "We'll get you away safe, kid. Welcome to supervillainy, may we always be free."

"I… thank you," Brad mutters guiltily.

"It's what we do," the voice says. "Well, first thing's first. You carrying anything metal?"

"Uh… my phone?"

"Hand it here," the voice orders, and Brad steps forward to comply. Shortly after, I hear a quick jingle indicating the phone has been powered off. "You keep this off until we say otherwise. Anything else?"

"Uh, no?"

"Mkay. I'm gonna make sure."

I can't really see all that well, but the guy passes some kind of scanner over Brad's body. I cling very tightly and stay very still, hoping I pass for part of his body or an article of clothing. When it's finally over, though, the voice doesn't seem to think anything is amiss.

"Okay, you're good," he says. "Head down the hall and enter the first door on your left. Third door if you're looking for the bathroom."

I squeeze my ride's abdomen. He winces.

"I should go to the bathroom, yeah," Brad agrees.

"Alright, but don't take longer than ten minutes. We need to get this show on the road."

Brad nods and heads where he was directed, locking us into the private bathroom together. I slither off of him and cough up my phone jar again. Alright, not digested yet. That's good.

"Have you… decided if you're going to come with or not?" Brad asks.

"Nope," I say, checking for a signal. Miraculously, I have a single bar of service. I send the group chat a message with my location.

"But aren't you… I mean, did you just…"

"I will make my decision when I have the necessary information," I say, opening up the maps app to see for myself where I am now that I've got the opportunity. "Did you actually need to go to the bathroom?"

"I… I mean, kind of…"

"Alright, I won't look," I promise, turning away from him.

On our way, a chat message pops up on my phone. Do you know where in the building you are?

I don't even know what building I'm in yet, I sent the GPS data before I looked at it myself. Let's see… man, this is taking a while to load.

"It's still kind of embarrassing," Brad complains.

"Dude, I'm a perfect-mimicry shapeshifter. If I wanted to look at your dick—which I very much do not—I could just grow it myself. I can't leave the bathroom alone, so either get it over with or hold it. I can remove my own eyes if it makes you feel better."

"I… you know, it would, actually," he admits quietly.

"Sure," I agree. "One sec."

Gotta wait for this to load so I know where I am. Almost… huh. That's… ironic. We're in the aquarium.

Basement, maybe, I type back. Not one of the exhibits.

K.

Going offline again.

I put my phone back in my jar and swallow it, absorbing my own eyeballs while Brad does his business. I do, in fact, happen to already know his large intestine was pretty loaded, so I let him take his time, waiting patiently for him to do his business. …I don't have infinite patience, though.

"Brad? You about done?" I ask. There's no way he moved, this room is tiny. I'm blocking the sink and the door. "Brad?"

Oh, don't tell me. I expand my domain outwards, and… nothing. He's not here.

"Brad?" I demand again, reforming my eyes and looking back at the toilet. Nothing. He's gone. God, I'm so stupid. This is what I get for being polite!

"So, who the hell are you and how did you sneak in?" the voice from before asks me. It sounds like he's on the ceiling? I look up, but there's nothing.

"I'm trying to get the fuck out of the force," I answer. "Brad thought you wouldn't appreciate a plus one."

"He's right," the voice says from behind me. "We don't."

And then I start to fall.