NOVEL NEXT Chapter 8: I’ll deal with it alone.
The chattering of the children around the kindergarten was loud, far too loud for her to endure...
Their laughter irked her, their smiles twisted and shaped into those vengeful faces she'd been seeing more often recently.
Her heart beats rapidly like it's trying to burst out of her chest. Her breathing became sporadic.
'Stop talking so loud, please... It's hard, okay? I'll fix it. I'll fix it. I'll fix it. I'll fix it!'
"Rimi!" Her eyes burst open, snapping her out of her trance. Rimi looks around the kindergarten room before her eyes lock on the tall woman standing over her, a concerned look on her face. "Wake up, dear. It's time for your medicine," The teacher, Ms. Onishi, offers the child her hand.
The child stares up at her for a moment, looking down at her hand. "Ah!" Snapping out of her trance yet again, Rimi takes the woman's hand, almost like it was required of her. This isn't the first time this has happened, so the teacher shakes her head.
Ms. Onishi leads Rimi out of the room as some of the children turn to look in their direction, but then continue with what they were doing.
Once they were outside the room, Rimi leads the girl down a long hallway that leads to an office and opens up a drawer. It isn't recommended to give children pills at a young age, but, there was an exception made for Rimi, who's slowly seemed to lose her mind over the years.
It's been roughly 3 years, the girl is 5 years old now, and her mind has slowly deteriorated. After she woke up in the hospital, Rimi began to turn her back on those around her, her loved ones. She tried to stay away from the, even if she lived in the same house as them. Many times, her mother attempted to speak with her, but outside of their therapeutic chats, Rimi stays away from her too.
"Your family is worried about you, Rimi, especially your mother. I hope you can understand, if you're feeling down, your family is there for you." Ms. Onishi has tried many times to stop the girl from locking her heart away from those around her. If she continues down this path, Rimi will be more than lonely in the future; she may even become suicidal or—in the worst case—homicidal.
Rimi maintains her silence. Once she's taken her medication, Ms. Onishi tries to talk with her a bit more, but the child is unresponsive.
Once the door to their 'classroom' opens again, there is a usual sight in front of Rimi. A fist is thrown at her head, one she almost effortlessly ducks under. Her cold eyes turn in the direction of her attacker; Yuudai. The girl feels a tinge of pain in her chest at his face, brimming with hatred.
As usual, Ms. Onishi, separates the two of them, grabbing Yuudai under his arms and lifting him. Despite how much Ms. Onishi scolds the boy, Rimi knows that his anger is rightfully directed her way.
* * * *
It happened a year ago when Yuudai fully healed and was able to walk again. She'd discarded her best friend.
"Don't talk to me," Rimi said when the boy attempted to speak with her one day. They'd always been rude to each other, but it was more of a friendly, joking way, than a serious one. But Rimi's tone did not hold the same compassion that it usually did.
"What?" Yuudai's face twists into a confused one. He knew that Rimi was having a hard time, for whatever reason, but he did not think that this 'hard time' was enough to switch up her usual behavior completely. "Whatever, stop joking. I asked you how you're doing."
Rimi repeats more coldly than before, "I'd be better if you stayed away from me." Without explaining further, Rimi walks away from the boy.
"Hey! Quit messing around!" Yuudai shouts at the girl. He'd been stunned for a moment but assumed that Rimi was just in a bad mood and called her back over.
Rimi did not turn back, and after that, Yuudai made several more attempts at speaking with Rimi. With each attempt, he was met with a much colder response from the girl until he could no longer take it. Thus, Yuudai resorted to the usual form of violence between the two. At some point, it felt like Rimi was untouchable, which infuriated him further.
No matter how many times Rimi told him to stay away from her, no matter how many times she told him that they couldn't be friends, Yuudai insisted on trying to snap Rimi out of whatever illusion she was locked within.
* * * *
By the end of the day, when everyone was being picked up by their parents, Rimi still had not spoken to any of the other children. Some tried to speak to her, but they were only given the cold shoulder.
In the car, on the way home, Kimiko tried to make small talk with her daughter as they drove to get Madoka from school.
"Did you have a good day, dear?" Kimiko spoke while driving, looking at her daughter through the rearview mirror.
Rimi just nods her head, not even letting out a sound. It's been this way for a while now. Kimiko speaks, "Tomorrow, I'll be continuing your lessons. I think we'll be able to make good progress this time." Kimiko enjoys giving the child hope. Even when Rimi appears to lack it, Kimiko will continue trying to give the girl as much hope as she needs, and more.
The woman frowns a bit but does not say anything further.
When Madoka entered the car, things remained silent, besides Kimiko asking her oldest if anything worth noting happened. Madoka is 15 now, and by next school year, she'll be attempting to enter a Hero School.
Kimiko decides to make some small talk with the girl, "Have you decided what school you want to go to?"
Madoka lets out a quiet sigh, relieved that her mother has started a conversation to lessen the tension. "I was thinking... maybe Seiai Academy? I don't think I'll have what it takes to attend U.A. High, so I might aim a bit lower." Madoka says with a nervous laugh, rubbing the back of her head.
From the corner of her eyes, Madoka can see Rimi's hand twitch when she hears 'Seiai'.
'Why is she doubting herself? Didn't she want to attend U.A. or Shiketsu all this time?' Rimi wants to say something but stops herself before she can even begin. 'I shouldn't concern myself with it... It's better this way.'
As soon as they got home, Rimi made her way into her room and plopped down on the bed. So many thoughts ran through her mind, but she could not sleep. Every time she closes her eyes, she sees that unsettling imagery, the sight of her victims in unusually dark shapes. They scolded her and called for her, but they never seemed to reach her.
The girl rolls onto her back and places a hand on her face, covering her eyes in a futile attempt at blocking the sight of the hundreds of poor souls that fell into view. For years, since the day she woke up in the hospital, the visions have gotten worse. Karma's laughter permeated the girl's mind, and Rimi did not have a way of stopping it.
Many times, Rimi thought of taking her own life, and many times, the girl did not. Just like Karma said, every time that child uses her quirk, she attempts to harm someone she loves. Most of the time, it is her mother, who has begun attempting to use her quirk to alleviate her mental strains.
"Somehow, I can't seem to fix anything—nothing I do will work..." She remembers her mother saying. In a sense, Karma was not a mental being, no matter how much Kimiko tried to find the source of Rimi's pain, she could not.
If it was not something in her brain, then she did not know what it could be. Rimi was helpless.
Instead of ending her own life, which would cause her family unbearable grief, Rimi opted to distance herself from her loved ones. She tried to end her friendship with Yuudai and keep him as far away as possible. She refrained from speaking with her family since she couldn't run away from home. But for some reason, they did not leave her.
'They don't need me to be happy. As long as I'm alive, they'll be fine.' Rimi selfishly declared on that unforgotten day.
'So, why?' Rimi thought to herself. 'Why don't they stop worrying about me? Why can't they just distance themselves, just like I have? I've said harsh things to them, I've ignored them, but for some reason, they just won't leave me alone...'
The fact that her loved ones insisted on staying with her should've annoyed Rimi. It should've made her upset since they were putting themselves into harm's reach. For some reason, unbeknownst to Rimi, it did not. No matter how much they clung to her, Rimi did not get angered by the persistence, even when she mentally pleaded for them to let go of her, there wasn't a trace of displeasure.
For the next few days, Rimi repeats the same process, but, Kimiko seems to have noticed something.
While training with Rimi to keep her emotions and mind under control when she uses her quirk, she finds a crack in her child's mind. In recent times, she couldn't find any method of helping her child. None of the pain she went through was sent to her brain, so she could not catch a glimpse of the issue.
On that day, however, she saw a light that flashed grotesque imagery through her mind—a woman hanging beneath a burning field; a child with his neck wrung, nestled under his sobbing mother; a man without a head collapsed halfway over his balcony.
Kimiko released her child in an instant, her face twisting and turning in disgust. A wave of nausea ran through her. In her many years of working in law enforcement, she'd never seen so many brutal scenes, and a thought struck her conscience: 'Is this what she's been seeing all this time?'
In the back of each vision, Kimiko saw the faces of the clouds, glaring down at her, assaulting her with overwhelming abhorrence.
It took Kimiko a few minutes to gather her bearings. If it weren't for the fact that her daughter was asleep, she'd have imagined Rimi's concerned face looking her way. For the past few years, Rimi has acted coldly toward everyone. Kimiko assumed that it was because of her fear of hurting them—judging by her child's behavior—she knew she was right.
At this moment, Kimiko has grown closer to discovering the true reason behind why, and she stops herself from delving deeper.
Her daughter, Rimi, is suffering from horrible imagery, but Kimiko will not violate her child's mind. The woman sits there, deep in thought, while she watches over her daughter, who's yet to regain her consciousness from their training.
After a bit of thinking, Kimiko decides that she will wait for her child to wake up before speaking to her about the images. Some might criticize her for talking about such horrifying things to her 5-year-old daughter, but Kimiko would remain adamant.
Kimiko's quirk is akin to telepathy. By making physical contact with someone, she can control their brain to whatever extent she wishes. She can make people forget things, add new memories to their minds, control parts of their limbs, alleviate pains, and much more. Most importantly, by touching someone, she can see what they're thinking of and lock away certain facets of their psyche. For several years, she's attempted to lock away the part of Rimi's mind that's caused her pain and insanity, but she has been unable to find it.
This is not something that her quirk can heal, and so, she has decided to do things the normal way.
Pulling the child into her lap, Kimiko pulls out her phone and begins texting her husband something. She'll be taking Rimi out of the house for a while.
* * * *
Their car comes to a stop at an empty lake, beautifully reflecting the light of the sun off of its oceanic surface. From this angle, it looks like there are stars in the water due to the reflective lights sparkling in every direction.
Rimi was reluctant to leave, but once Kimiko became sterner, the girl could not argue and let her mother take her out.
Kimiko led the child to a bench and lifted her onto it. Rimi didn't resist, but she maintained her usual silence while looking in the opposite direction of her mother. Kimiko wasn't offended by it, she'd gotten used to her daughter's behavior. She only felt hurt by the fact that she couldn't help her daughter in some way; that'd change today.
She didn't tackle the problem immediately. Kimiko used small talk to try and ease her daughter into talking with her.
"Your sister's really hoping to become a hero, you know? With her quirk, I'm sure she can help a lot of people. Like the Wild, Wild Pussycats!" Rimi recognizes the name of one of the newer hero groups that appeared about a year or two ago.
The thought of her sister being one of the heroes who save people and bring smiles to their faces seems satisfying to Rimi, who doesn't notice the slight grin appearing on her face. Kimiko spots it immediately, though.
The woman continues, "Your father can't wait for her to become a hero. He was so insistent that she become a police officer, but now, he wants to work alongside her to help more innocent people. He says that after he met All Might, his perspective on heroes changed completely!"
Koji didn't like the idea of his daughter being a hero at first, but in the past 2 years, he became more accepting of Madoka's dream. It must've been rough for the girl, having both of her parents try and talk her out of her dream. But, as they came to accept it, Madoka looked much happier. Rimi understood why they'd behave that way; up until recently, villains were gutsy enough to attack daycare centers protected by heroes!
Then, All Might became more active, and the villains who'd had the guts to move around quickly had their group dispersed. Of course, some of their members got away, but the villain group 'Unlit Torches' became a distant memory overnight, all because of the symbol of peace appearing at their doorstep.
Kimiko sees it again; her daughter's smiling, unknowingly expressing her joy.
The woman rests her head on her palm, smiling as she watches her daughter delight. It's not common nowadays to see such a content look on Rimi's face.
There is a brief moment of silence before Kimiko started speaking again. "I just wonder, what about you, Rimi? Aren't you happy for your big sister? Don't you accept her?" Something's changed in Kimiko's tone, but Rimi isn't sure what.
The child almost looks in her mother's direction, but she stops herself. However, the woman does get a response: "I'm happy for her."
Rimi spoke in a low tone, but Kimiko heard her clearly, smiling at the girl. With a response from her, she's figured that she can slowly move into the bigger topic. "Heroes all have their own struggles too. We, parents, struggle with our children, and sometimes we need help some others. Heroes can't always save someone on their own, so they'll seek help from the police."
The child's hand twitches. It might've been unintentional, but it looks like the child's caught on to Kimiko's words. She doesn't turn away, though.
Finally, Kimiko reaches the most imperative topic. "And, whatever it is that you're going through, you can talk to your mother about it too, Rimi." Kimiko's hand reaches out and gently brushes through her daughter's hair. "The images in your head, the faces, I've seen them..."
Rimi's eyes look like they'll pop out of her head if she widens them further. There is a look of disbelief on her face as she looks in her mother's direction. Her mouth falls open like she wants to protest; like she wants to deny what's already been set into reality. "N-N-N..." The child cannot even form the word 'no', a sorrowful expression starting to become apparent.
"Do you think of me as your mother, Rimi?" Kimiko asks her child, frowning in her direction. The frown on her mother's face sends an ache to Rimi's chest.
"O-Of course!" Since the moment she was born, Rimi trusted the woman. She looked so much like her that the child gained an immediate attachment to her new mother. This mother was more kind than her old one, as she came to discover. When Rimi made mistakes, this mother did not poke her with a hot iron, she instead scolded her and told her how to avoid making the same mistake again. When Rimi was late for something, she did not have a knife plunged through her hand, she was reprimanded and forgiven.
"Then can you tell me, what are those visions you're seeing? Those explicit scenes that are haunting your mind..." Kimiko's voice is filled with kindness and compassion, and it only causes Rimi to be struck with more guilt.
Rimi had never thought that she could tell her mother about her past life. No one needs to know, no one can know. Not because she's afraid of someone using that fact against her or being seen as a lunatic, however. Rimi does not want anyone to know about her past misdeeds. The life she lived before is something she wanted to leave behind, slowly fixing her mistakes in this one. Her past crimes caught up to her too quickly.
There is a burden over her shoulders that's slowly caused her to sink. She has carried it, but it was like the foundation below her was not meant to endure such stress.
"I..." Rimi wants to tell her, so badly. But, she is hesitant. This is a burden she's been carrying for years, when she was born into this world, she was born with unbearable guilt, and then a slight relief at the sight of the woman who looked like the kind woman from her past.
Rimi was not only happy to see her because the woman was kind. It was the smile on her face that made Rimi feel a bit of the weight on her shoulders disappear. In her mind, the person who she'd so cruelly killed—the person who'd comforted her until the end—was given a second chance at life as well, and was living a happy life.
"...I've killed people." Rimi thought about it and found a way she could relinquish some of her guilt. "I've hurt a lot of people, and if you stay near me, you'll get hurt too..."
Kimiko can't hide her shocked face, these weren't the word she'd expected her child to say. "Why do you think that, Rimi?" The woman asks, letting all of the care and compassion in her tone seep out. She did not think deeply about the reason why, she needed to hear it from her daughter.
"I hear them, all of them. Every life I've taken. They're crying. They hate me. They want me to die—I..." Before she can finish her sentence, an arm wraps around Rimi, as though Kimiko knew what she'd say before she even finished it.
"No!" She hears her mother say, holding her in a tight, yet, comforting embrace. "You made a mistake, Rimi. You, a child who doesn't even know right from wrong, made a mistake. You, a child who can't even control her quirk, made a mistake. You, a child who's barely lived long enough to have cherishable memories..." Somehow, Kimiko feels like she's trembling even more than her daughter.
Even if Rimi did not know, Kimiko was right about most of what she said. Rimi was not without fault for the sins she committed. The killings were her own doing, in the end, she pulled the trigger. But, at 11 years of age, without even getting to truly make friends and live a life a child should, she was far from being called "mature". Rimi is a child, whether you take her past life into consideration or not.
She's matured faster than other children, but she has not matured enough to know the true meaning behind guilt, consequences, honesty, or even emotions altogether. Rimi views everything at a surface level: if she cut someone, she will feel remorse; if she's hit by something, she will feel pain; if a woman cries, she will feel sympathy. Rimi knows all of these things, but there's one thing she's never learned: why.
Rimi has never learned the reason why humans feel these emotions or why she should feel them, she only does. She lacks an understanding of morality, she merely feels guilt that's stripped her of what little purity she had in this new life.
Kimiko might've only thought that Rimi was referring to the victims in the building incident. Even if Kimiko considered the horrifying imagery in her child's mind, she wouldn't take back her words. Rimi is her beloved daughter who is too young to truly know right from wrong. Although she understands that killing is bad, Rimi insists on sneaking out of her room for snacks at night.
Her dearest child insists on sneaking around when others aren't present to watch television in the middle of the night when she hopes everyone is asleep. Just like any other child, she does wrong acts that she should not do. Sometimes, she knows it's wrong, sometimes, she's clueless. Rimi is a growing young girl who's barely even 6 years old. Soon, she'll be starting elementary school, and Kimiko refuses to let her attend with these guilty thoughts on her conscience.
"You're alive, Rimi. The longer you live, the more you'll make mistakes. In your place, other people might be hurt. But, as long as you're alive..." Kimiko places her hands on her daughter's shoulder, lowering herself to a knee to share eye contact with her. "As long as you're alive, your family will never hold anything against you."
Rimi doesn't know why, nor how to explain it, but she feels some of the weight on her shoulders flutter away. It's like her mother chipped at the confusing emotions. Rimi opens her mouth to speak, "I... You'll get hurt..." She can't think of anything more compelling. Even if her family forgives her, Karma will keep coming after her sanity. She'll keep losing control and hurting the people around her that she cares for the most!
Kimiko shakes her head, "You won't hurt us, Rimi. You're strong and brave, and right now you're struggling. You're struggling because you're young and because you want to shoulder all of the burdens yourself." Kimiko knew she shouldn't be talking to her 5-year-old daughter this way, but she also had no doubts that her daughter understood most of the words she said.
Rimi's lip quivers, and she tries to pull herself out of her mother's grasp. "I will! I... I'll keep hurting you, and everyone!" She's neglected her best friend of 4 years because of her fear of him being hurt again. The image of him being brutally beaten in front of her, the sound of her voice when she cried for him, and the sudden loss of interest when she brutally slew the villain all sat at the center of her mind. Even after all of that, she tried to take the life of the daycare attendant for "not acting" when Yuudai was being beaten.
"And how will you hurt us, Rimi!? You're smart and strong, and you'll keep growing even if I try to hold you down!" Kimiko does not let the child pull away from her, staring her in the eyes the whole time. "You're walking down the cold, lonely road, Rimi. I'm sure you'll reach another fork in the road where you'll need to choose between the hardships and the forlorn route..."
For once, Rimi was clueless about the meaning of the word "forlorn", isn't that quite ironic? Somehow, she understood the inference of the word.
"I promise you, Rimi, no matter how many hardships you have; your family and friends will always be behind you. So please, stop running from us." Although she was the one trying to solace her daughter, Kimiko couldn't keep the tears from falling down her face, and neither could Rimi. "Your mommy is here, Rimi! No matter how much you run, your mommy will always stand beside you!"
The tears flowing down Rimi's face did not stop, no matter how many times she tried to stop them. The weight on her shoulders was still there, but the tension had lessened by a large margin. The thoughts of Karma, slowly creeping and taking over her brain, lessened so much that Rimi felt light slipping into her heart.
Rimi had family and friends around her all this time but still resorted to shunning all of them when times were hard. She'd lived with these people for 5 years, and unlike her old life, her family was always smiling and waiting for her. When faced with minor accountability, Rimi crumbled under the pressure and threw her own loved ones away.
When Karma threatened to take Rimi's loved ones away from her, Rimi attempted a metaphorical self-killing and cut herself off from her family in hopes of avoiding that outcome. At the threat of her killing her own family, Rimi attempted to disassociate from them. If she continued to distance herself, she'd eventually lose attachment to them, and in the end, that'd make killing them even easier under Karma's influence.
Rimi's quirk drawback was insanity, and it was only bolstered by the insanity she already suffered from. Somehow, with just a few words from her mother, the severity of this drawback dampened.
Rimi wasn't alone. Whereas in her past life, she murdered alone, suffered alone, and at times, cried alone...
Now, she was faced with a sensation she'd never felt from her loved ones in her first life. "I-I... I love..." Rimi couldn't even hold herself together. The child broke down into a fit of tears and sobs, and her mother only smiled, pulling her child into her arms.
"I know," Kimiko says in a low voice as her daughter sobbed into her chest. She hadn't cried this much since she was a baby, barely capable of speaking. "I love you." Her hand reaches up and strokes the girl's head.
'You can stay like this for hours if you want. You can stay like this forever, even. I already promised you, I'll never leave your side.'
