Always Not Enough

Mr. Grayson. Fucking Mr. Grayson.

She couldn't be serious, right?

The silence in the car was louder than it should've been.

Ellie sat beside me in the passenger seat, her legs folded up under her, scrolling through her phone like she didn't have a care in the world. The faint glow of the screen lit up her face, highlighting the soft freckles on her nose, freckles she used to hate but now wore proudly, like a badge of her uniqueness.

She hummed quietly to herself, some pop tune I didn't recognize, her fingers tapping against her knee in rhythm with the beat in her head.

Meanwhile, my knuckles were white against the steering wheel, my grip too tight, my mind stuck on the one thing I couldn't seem to shake.

Jupiter.

She still looked the same.

And yet, she didn't.

The girl I used to know was gone, replaced by a woman who carried herself with this calm, unshakable confidence. But the way her brown eyes met mine—hesitant, guarded, like she was bracing herself for something—it was like no time had passed at all.

Five years.

Five years since she walked out of my life without so much as a goodbye.

And she called me Mr. Raynes.

The words echoed in my head, over and over again, like a damn broken record.

Mr. Raynes.

It shouldn't have hurt as much as it did.

But the formality of it, the distance in her voice—it was like a slap. A reminder that the girl who used to call me Malyen with a laugh in her voice, the girl who used to steal my fries at lunch and make fun of my terrible handwriting, wasn't there anymore.

She was Ms. Acostia now.

And I was just... someone she used to know.

"Earth to Mal!"

Ellie's voice broke through the haze in my head, and I blinked, realizing I'd missed whatever she'd just said.

"Huh?" I glanced at her briefly, my hands still gripping the steering wheel.

She rolled her eyes, tossing her phone into her lap. "I said, are you okay? You've been all quiet and broody since we left the school."

"I'm fine," I said quickly, a little too quickly.

Ellie raised an eyebrow, unconvinced. "Uh-huh. Sure you are. You've been driving the speed limit for the past five minutes. That's how I know something's up."

I huffed out a breath, loosening my grip on the wheel. "It's nothing. Just tired, that's all."

Ellie didn't buy it for a second.

"This is about Ms. Acostia, isn't it?" she said, her tone almost teasing.

My jaw tightened. "Ellie—"

"Come on, Mal!" She grinned, leaning toward me. "I knew you two had history. You should've seen the way she looked at you. Like she wanted to throw something at your head."

I shot her a sharp look. "Ellie, drop it."

Her grin faltered slightly, but she didn't back down entirely.

"She's nice, you know," she said after a beat, her voice softer now. "Really nice. And crazy talented. She actually listens to me when I talk about my art, not like—"

She stopped herself, but I knew where that sentence was going.

Not like me.

I swallowed hard, guilt tightening in my chest. "I'm glad you like her," I said quietly.

Ellie didn't respond right away. She just looked at me for a long moment, her gaze thoughtful. "You should apologize to her."

My grip on the wheel tightened again. "For what?"

"I don't know," Ellie said, shrugging. "Whatever you did to make her look at you like that."

I didn't have a response for that.

Because the truth was, I didn't know what I'd done to Jupiter either.

Sure, we'd fought. Sure, I'd pushed her away more times than I could count. But she'd been my best friend. The one person who knew me better than anyone else. The one person who always stuck around, no matter how much of a mess I was.

Until she didn't.

And I hated that I still didn't understand why.

"When did she even start working at your school?" I asked, trying to steer the conversation in a different direction.

Ellie sighed, going back to her phone. "Uh, I think about four months ago? She transferred from out of the country. She's literally been everywhere in Europe. She's so cool."

Yeah. She is.

I gripped the steering wheel a little tighter, glancing at the road ahead as the faint orange glow of the setting sun stretched out in the distance. I was happy for her…really. Traveling was all she used to talk about in high school. It was her dream—to see the world, to leave our small town behind and never look back.

And it sounded like she'd done it.

I should've felt good about that. Proud, even.

But all I felt was... hollow.

"And her boyfriend ain't half bad either," Ellie blurted out, smirking mischievously.

My stomach dropped.

I nearly slammed on the brakes but forced myself to keep my hands steady, my jaw locking as a wave of something sharp and ugly rolled through me.

"Boyfriend?" I asked, trying—and failing—to keep the edge out of my voice.

Ellie glanced at me from the corner of her eye, clearly amused by my reaction. "Yeah, boyfriend. You know, a tall guy that looks like he could be on the firefighter calendar or whatever. He picked her up from school once."

I stared straight ahead, the tightness in my chest making it harder to breathe.

"Right," I said flatly.

Ellie raised an eyebrow, watching me carefully. "Why do you care? It's not like she's your girlfriend."

"I don't care," I snapped, a little too quickly.

Ellie snorted, going back to her phone. "Whatever you say, E."

I didn't say anything else for the rest of the drive.

But my thoughts wouldn't stop spinning.

A boyfriend.

Of course, she had a boyfriend. She was Jupiter Acostia—smart, talented, beautiful. She could've had anyone she wanted, even back in high school. And now, after five years of traveling the world, of becoming the kind of person who could casually be called Ms. Acostia, why wouldn't she have someone?

Why wouldn't she have someone who treated her better than I ever did?

The thought made my stomach churn.

Because as much as I hated to admit it, a part of me—the part I'd spent the past five years drowning in whiskey and bad decisions—hoped she hadn't moved on.

Hoped she still thought about me.

The way I still thought about her.