Alfheimr Renaissance

Live by the sword, die by thunder, day 7
Nightmares.

Morning. I lie in Borgheim's bed, tired and unwilling to get up and face the world, and Jane hugs me and understands. Iselin and Ciara have already gotten up, but we lie here and just drag out the time. No sex, just holding each other trying to ignore the world. My good friend. My lover. My therapist. The only one who really understands. And the only one I can admit to that my nightmares also included Heila, Bodfrid, Sasgaerda and Adallaug. Even the very long winter night hasn't given me enough sleep. The fact that I already have had nightmares about them, makes me worry about the nightmares I will have once I have had sex with Heila and Sasgaerda. Just the thought of what I will eventually have to do to Heila gives me the creeps and makes me feel a bit nauseous. I feel irritation and slight anger towards Sasgaerda, and I would like to ... make her feel pain and suffer, but it feels like a victory for her if I do so. I lose more of myself if I do something like that than any small fleeting satisfaction from it.

It also weighs on my conscience to know that I have now cold-bloodedly murdered a man in the harbour, probably killed five in the defence of Thrymheim, and eleven in the attack on Arkanes, eight of them with a cannon. More have been injured, and I have ordered more to be put to death. I have tortured prisoners with electricity, one of them died, and their eyes, faces, and tormented cries will surely give me nightmares for a long time to come. I will force a woman to become a sex slave from whom I will earn silver. I have a prisoner in the basement who, legally speaking, is no longer a person but a thing, whom I am going to rape and impregnate in front of witnesses so that she can bear me a child. I am going to make a mother drown her two 'adult' sons in buckets because of their mother's actions, and after their father and mother attacked me and mine. We now know that the sons wanted to participate in the raid, and it would have been better if their parents had actually let them participate so that they would probably have died there, but Sasgaerda didn't want to expose her important sons to the risk. But even if those sons are 'guilty', that does not apply to others, and today, after the auction, I have been or will be responsible for selling almost a hundred persons - seven of whom are under the age of ten - into a life of slavery.

The Elves don't see the problem; to them, I have been very honourable and kind, especially when I sold the youngest women with the youngest children back to their relatives. But Jane understands. She also understands why it needs to be done, and why I need to have it documented. She will continue to take photographs, sketch and take notes when we return to Thrymheim. Together with pictures from the aftermath of the attack, she will, with Kari's help, make a book about the event and consequences.

I am still undecided about whether I will have sex with Adallaug or not. I really see no reason to, but I also understand why it might be really good to have the act witnessed by a Tingswoman or two, and Heila, and witnessed that I actually came in Adallaug. But I definitely don't want there to be any chance of having a baby. And I don't want anyone to witness it if I can't get an erection or can't come, which is a decent chance, especially with witnesses, and just knowing that is a possibility and something that worries me, increases the chance of that happening. Sure, Adallaug isn't ugly and she's definitely willing, but that's the only positive thing in a sea of negatives and unpleasantries, and she's also Heila's mother. If it's actually going to happen in front of witnesses, I need to improve my odds, and I have to admit that Jane's suggestion to have sex with Adallaug beforehand without any witnesses, is the lesser evil. But then I have to do it quickly, like now in the morning, so that I have many hours to recover before doing it tonight in front of witnesses, or early tomorrow.

UGH!

Adallaug has had a couple of rough days. First, the attack on Arkanes and what she learned about me and other things, and her and her children's imminent future. Then Heila becoming my concubine, which now seems to have been a big relief for both of them. Then Sasgaerda murdering her children, which is both a betrayal by a family member and a personal tragedy and deep sorrow. I understand if her feelings and thoughts are not the most logical or calm.

They knock on the door and inform us about breakfast. I really don't want to get up, but Jane gives me a hug and says it's time to get ready and play my role as Sejdmann Robert Arnesson. We'll just have to deal with issues when we return home to Thrymheim. Fitting name.

The execution and auction will take place outside the merchant empire buildings-courtyard, and the auction will include a great deal of property, barrels of food and supplies, household goods, slaves and livestock.

Heila has experienced a hell of a change in the last two days. She is probably still in shock, but Sasgaerda's actions have at least made her hateful towards Sasgaerda. It has also helped to experience Borgheim's comforts, wealth and ostentation, and then learn that we rarely spend time here in this beautiful, luxurious stone castle on the outskirts of the capital, which is considerably more impressive than the Jarl's mansion / fortified farm where she grew up. There is not a lot of stone in northern 'Denmark'. Heila has of course heard rumours about me and Thrymheim, partly from her parents, and more since she became part of my company, and today Heila actually seems a little proud and smug about being my concubine. She stands straight backed and smiling, and it doesn't feel fake. Heila has taken Ciara's words to heart to stretch her back and shoulders and improve her posture and grace. It is probably Ciara who has told her how I have otherwise avoided women, and how many women and which women I have had offered to me. Heila's Daes dialect is difficult to understand and uses words I don't know the meaning of, so conversations between us almost require an interpreter, and we haven't talked much. But then I also don't want to talk to her. I would have preferred to not even see her, to not be reminded of what we will eventually have to do. Isch. And that was another cold shiver down my spine.

The fact that I've had sex with her mother doesn't help.

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It was somewhat unpleasant, but at least Adallaug is an adult woman who was very willing. She can at least speak enough Nordic to be easily understood. Adallaug quickly understood why I wanted to talk to her alone with just Alith as a guard, and she seemed genuinely happy to prove that she is not like Sasgaerda, and wants to avoid being a nuisance. We started by talking, partly about Jarl Arkanes and her and Sasgaerdas families-relatives, mostly to make the sex less uncomfortable, but also so that I could get information that Heila probably doesn't have or hasn't thought about. One-sided information can be biased, or just perceived in a certain way, and parents keep things from their children, or it's stuff that happened when they were too young. Everything was recorded.

It is, of course, very possible that Adallaug has chosen what she has told me and how, to put herself and Heila in a better light, but it feels like Adallaug is a much better person than Sasgaerda. Not only because of Sasgaerda's actions, but also because Adallaug avoided saying extremely negative things about Sasgaerda, even though she murdered Adallaug's two younger children. It also seems that Sasgaerda has focused mostly on her sons, as Adallaug seems to have been the one who acted most maternally towards Bodfrid. Adallaug was unexpectedly 'diplomatic', friendly, calm, understanding and matter-of-fact, both about what had happened and about me as attacker, slave taker and seller, and what I was thinking about sex between us and suggested we do and why. Of course she was grieving, but I believe she truly considers that I behaved very well and honourably, and that I bear no guilt for what happened to her family and so on. I have had limited contact with Sasgaerda and Adallaug, but it feels like Adallaug was the better mother and wife. Not that Sasgaerda seems to be a high threshold to pass.

Adallaugs understanding of the situation and willingness to make things easier for me did make things easier for me, and she understood why she needed to have her hands tied behind her back and at her waist during the act. She quickly understood my thoughts on rape, and she made the connection to Freya's views on rape, and the fact that I am a Sejdmann. Then, it at least was sex between an adult man and woman of roughly the same age, who, even though neither of them had any real sexual desire for the other, both tried to make the best of the situation and have a pleasant time.

She was actually quite good at sex too, and really tried to make it a good experience for me. That made it easier for me, and I was a little more motivated to make it a good experience for her too, which also felt better for me. Considering how matter-of-factly she suggested that I could finish and come in her butt to be sure there would be no baby, but that it would still be 'proper sex' and I would have the experience of ejaculating inside her, it was obvious that her husband has done that many times, and she did her best to spread her buttocks with her bound hands. She absolutely knew about special oils and other options.

However, it became a little awkward when, after sex, she hoped she had satisfied me well enough, and then informed me that she had tried to teach Heila and Bodfrid about sex and children, and how to satisfy a future husband and how to be a good wife and take care of a household.

Bodfrid's fate is uncertain, and we need to talk to her before making a decision, but we will probably take her along to my Furstdom. Heila would like to have Bodfrid with her in her future life on the island. She can become Heila's responsibility, and I don't think Bodfrid feels much love for her mother or father. Hopefully, Bodfrid will develop a positive attitude towards me and my family by having a good life with education, etc. Letting the half-sisters live together may help them both, and Bodfrid can help out in Heila's household.

So with Iselin, Ciara and Jane, we have a conversation with Heila and Bodfrid. So that both understand that the primary reason is because Bodfrid is Heila's little sister, and not because she is Mikkel Arkanes and Sasgaerda's daughter. Bodfrid looks at the floor and with bitter hatred she says that she has no parents, and a hand reaches up and touches the marks on her neck before she starts to cry. Heila hugs her little sister and lets her cry on her chest, saying that everything will be better. Ugh, they're so young. As they stand there hugging each other, it is difficult to see any sisterhood. Apart from a significant difference in height, Heila has green toned hair and green eyes, while Bodfrid has blonde hair and grey eyes.

We are about to leave for the auction when a young woman appears, and when I hear that her name is Rannow, I go out to talk to her, of course accompanied by Alith and Gunhild as we walk towards the garden. It feels wrong to keep Caecilia and Ryla in the dark, like I don't trust them, but they simply don't need to know. Rannow looks quite young and is above average in appearance, with better than average clothes, make-up, hair and jewellery. She curtsies and says;

"Sejdmann Arnesson, thank you for receiving me so quickly. I apologise for looking a little tired," which is not apparent, "but yesterday was a good evening, and unfortunately I was busy when my Lord visited The Maiden. I really want to thank my Lord for the IUD." Her little smile and eyes say a lot. Okay, we both know what she does for a living, but still. Her manner says she is hardened, despite her young age, but charming and suave too. But then she has lived a hard life.

"Rannow, would you want to be my discreet eyes and ears inside The Blushing Maiden? I reward those who do a good job and are loyal to me."

Rannow raises an eyebrow, smiles and asks, "So Kadlin has been my Lord's eyes and ears since last autumn, and as the owner, my Lord now needs a replacement?" Okay, she's not stupid, which is honestly an advantage, so I nod. "My Lord has had my gratitude and favour since he ruined certain rooms in the basement here and made sure Radgeirrson got what he deserved. But what reward could there be? I'm not interested in guard duty, and with my Lord's reputation and company and options, I understand that he won't be interested in taking a woman like me as his mistress."

"Rewards depend on preferences and how well and for how long the job has been done, but I can give rewards like few others can, especially in terms of items. Then there is always silver or land."

"I already earn silver, and men have offered me my own house in Borgarsandr and elsewhere just to be theirs, but I have no plans to give up this life for a few years yet. We can discuss rewards in the future, when my Lord considers me worthy and loyalty proven. Until then, I will serve my Lord loyally and well, and I am always ... available for my Lord."

Rannow has a devilishly sexy smile as she bows, and the way she spreads her cloak and leans forward gives me a seductive view right down her cleavage. That looks like an expensive Valhalla. Also, that much cleavage should be cold in this weather. Rannow is good, and if she has turned down such offers, she definitely belongs to the upper class of women in The Blushing Maiden. Most likely, she just hasn't received an attractive enough offer yet, and she may actually like her life and profession. At least compared to how common women live. I give her similar advice that I gave to Kadlin about how she should behave, but she already understands most of it and likes my suggestion that Kadlin could act as an intermediary. Just two friends keeping in touch. Gunhild fetches my sambos and Caecilia so they can see each other, and I take a couple of photos of Rannow for Kari, and then we part ways.