Aka Amy

I found myself pacing the apartment. My mind was full of worries and self-doubt, which turned into nervous energy that made it hard to stay still and relax.

The past day... The past week... The past two weeks had been a lot, and it felt like things were starting to spin out of control. Both in terms of small details like our plans for the weekend, and big-picture stuff like my status as a reincarnated goddess.

Instead of starting a quiet lazy day together with brunch, me and Tess were up earlier than planned and I made us both a light breakfast. Now it was noon and she'd borrowed the car, she was going to spend some time visiting with her mom while I got myself mentally prepared for tonight.

Except that was proving a lot more difficult than I expected. My mind kept bouncing from one thought to the next, but they all shared a common theme.

I never wanted to be a Goddess with a capital G, and I really wasn't comfortable with people worshiping me. I appreciated having access to Amethyst's power, it gave me my ideal body and it meant Tess and I could be comfortable. It paid for our nice apartment and my college tuition, but I wasn't greedy about it.

The temptation was there, I could have got us a huge home and a couple flashy cars. We'd never have to work, we could live a life of luxury and leisure. Except that wasn't me, and it wasn't Tess. And I'd feel really uncomfortable doing that anyways.

On the other hand I'd already started doing things I wasn't comfortable with, and it felt like that trend was only going to continue in the future.

I went nine months without revealing myself to anyone outside of my girlfriend, my sister, and my sister's partner. Now in just two weeks the number of people who knew my secret had tripled. In a moment of frustration I revealed myself to my parents. Last week I revealed myself and performed a miracle for Tess's friend April. Then a fit of anger led me to sharing my secret with Leah and Kreff. And as of last night, Jodie was in on it as well.

Now tonight felt like it was going to be some kind of turning-point.

Unless she changed her mind in the next few hours, I'd be making Tess my cleric. I'd be granting her some of my power, so she could work magic and perform miracles on her own but in my name. In return, my girlfriend would become a worshipper, she'd be praying to me and worshipping me and wearing a symbol of her faith in me.

Then there was the offer I made Hailey.

If she did the thing with the cookies and ice-wine tonight, I'd start helping her financially. It would mean my sister was worshipping me as well, making ritual offerings to me. I was convinced she'd be as uncomfortable with the idea as me, and I was equally positive she'd never pray to me. On the other hand, if she really wanted to be out from under mom's thumb she might be motivated enough to do the offerings.

I continued pacing back and forth, but it wasn't helping. The apartment suddenly felt too small, too cramped.

Without pausing to think what I was doing I focused on that little waterfall Tess and I visited on our very first hike last summer. That was barely twenty-four hours after I met her, when I'd only just come to terms with the fact that I was trans. It was before I knew about past lives and being a reincarnated goddess.

Luckily nobody saw my sudden appearance. It was a Saturday afternoon, but it seemed like a late spring this year and there weren't a lot of people out hiking or enjoying the trails yet. I wasn't dressed for it either, in my sneakers and leggings and t-shirt.

I ignored the cool spring temperature as I paced some more in the open air, but my thoughts kept running in circles. What I needed was someone to talk to, about all my concerns and worries. And despite her protests about it not being her job to give me guidance I couldn't help thinking about my angel again. She was the only one who knew all the details and wasn't directly involved in any of the problems I was stressing about.

"Ravenna?" I asked quietly. "I need to speak with you please."

A moment later my cute goth barista angel stood before me. She was dressed in her typical style, black knee-length dress, ankle boots, silver jewelry. Like me she definitely didn't look like someone who was here for hiking.

"You called, my Goddess?"

I grimaced, "Thanks for coming Raven. And I'm sorry for summoning you like that? I'd have texted but I forgot to bring my phone."

She raised an eyebrow and glanced around, then looked back at me and asked "Am I here on 'official angel business', or am I here because You need a supernatural friend to talk to?"

I felt my cheeks colouring slightly, but I also smiled. "It's that second thing."

Raven sighed and gave me a slightly worried look before asking, "Very well. What was it you wanted to discuss?"

The two of us ended up slowly wandering along one of the trails as I explained my fears and doubts and uncertainties. She listened, at times she frowned or appeared curious or confused, but she didn't speak up or ask questions.

I wasn't paying attention to where we were going as I talked, but when I got to the end I noticed we were back next to the little waterfall again. Raven and I ended up sitting down on a large fallen log with a good view of the water, and for a minute or so we stared at it in silence.

"So that's what's bothering me," I finally sighed. "I'm not sure what to do, but I'm also not sure what I want to do. I've been letting Tess sort of guide me and push me into things because it's what she wants. Some of it I agree with in theory, like helping queer folks, giving trans people miracle transitions, all that sounds good on paper. Or I'm going along with it because I don't feel strongly enough not to, even though some of it makes me feel uncomfortable? Like her becoming my cleric or priestess."

I sighed again, "I guess the bottom line is, I just don't feel cut out to be a goddess? The idea of people praying and worshipping makes me uncomfortable, and I haven't forgotten what you told me about the status-quo. I don't want to screw things up to the point where I put myself and my friends at risk."

My angel remained quiet even after I finished talking. She sat next to me with a little frown on her face, staring silently at the little waterfall.

After another minute or two I asked, "Raven? I know you keep telling me you're not my counsel, but I'd really appreciate hearing your opinion. Or some feedback. Or something?"

She was quiet for a few more seconds, then she finally glanced at me. "Before I respond, may I ask two favours of you?"

"Of course," I nodded. "What can I do for you?"

She took a deep breath then asked, "I'd like a drink, Irish whiskey if you please. And may I address you as Amy?"

That made me smile, and a moment later a bottle and a tumbler glass appeared next to her, while a large mug full of coffee appeared in my hand.

I gestured at the bottle and said, "According to Amethyst's memories you preferred single pot still whiskey? I hope that's to your liking. And yes of course you can call me Amy. I'd honestly prefer that over 'my goddess', at least outside of official business."

Raven glanced at me again, then picked up the bottle. She opened it and poured herself a half-measure then drank it back in one shot, before pouring a second. She took the time to savour that one, but it didn't last much longer than the first.

Finally she looked at me again and sighed, "You really aren't her. You look like her and you feel like her, but you're different."

I had a sip of my coffee then gave her a sad smile, "I hope you're not too disappointed? But yeah. Like I've been telling you all along, I'm not the same Amethyst you used to know. She gave it all up for Mary, then she died believing she was a human. I'm a new person. Same soul I guess, same divine nature, but I'm my own person. I was born and raised as a human, that's my mindset. I'm just a trans girl who got really lucky."

Raven poured herself a third drink and slowly sipped it as she looked at the waterfall again. And I had some more of my coffee, as I watched the water and waited for her to respond to my earlier questions.

Another few minutes passed, my angel finished her third drink while I drank most of my coffee.

"You must never share that information about yourself with any other Gods you encounter," she stated quietly. Her voice was soft and she was still watching the waterfall as she continued, "Or their angels either. They will take advantage of your inexperience and naiveté. It would put you and me and everyone you know at risk."

"Understood," I replied. "I wasn't planning on it, but I'll take care to keep that to myself. I'll have to make sure Tess knows not to mention it either."

Raven added, "It's ok to let people think 'Amy' is your human guise or persona, it's fine to have that separation. But when you're appearing as the Goddess, you have to try and act like Her. Especially around other supernaturals. When you're appearing as the Goddess you cannot show weakness or doubt."

I nodded, "I'll keep that in mind. I'm still not comfortable with this stuff though Raven. Like I said earlier, the idea of people worshipping and praying to me feels strange? Especially people like my girlfriend and my sister. It feels wrong."

"And I really don't know what to think or do about the other stuff I mentioned? Like Tess becoming my cleric, or Hailey giving me offerings."

Raven sighed and looked at me again. "What do you want to do? What do you want, period? What do you, Amy Price, want to do with yourself, your life, your future?"

It actually sort of shocked me to hear her use my name like that. Even after telling her and asking her to use my name, I didn't really think she'd do it. It definitely drove the point home that Ravenna finally believed me, that I was not the same goddess who created her.

Unfortunately once I got past that shock I was left with nothing.

I slowly shook my head, "I don't really know. I want to be with Tess, I want to help people. I'm taking that EMT course, but I mostly picked that because it was at the same college Tess was attending. Out of all the programs they had that one appealed to me the most. I'm not sure I actually want to be an EMT though."

My cheeks coloured again as I admitted, "I've never had much of a plan for my life. Last summer I thought it was because of the dysphoria, that I didn't think about the future because I wasn't comfortable with myself? But now I've got the body of my dreams and I'm still just going with the flow rather than having any long-term goals or dreams."

"If you haven't picked a destination then you can't really complain about the road you're travelling," she commented with a shrug. "If all you really want out of life is to spend it helping people with your human girlfriend, then you're already on the right track."

She continued, "Use your divine magic to help people, and use it to give yourself and Theresa a comfortable life together. And if you keep getting your divine name out there into the minds and on the lips of more humans, that will add to your strength and enable you to help more people in the future. Just do it slowly and gradually, to avoid upsetting the status-quo."

Finally she added, "Most smaller Gods like yourself are down to just one or two worshippers. Or not even that, they may only have one or two people who even remember they exist at all. But very few are out there actively gaining more. Perhaps they're like you? Perhaps they're adrift as well, without purpose."

Raven's words resonated with something deep inside me. I looked at her as I wondered, "Maybe that's it? Gods without followers, with nothing to do? Maybe that's why I've felt this way. Amethyst used to have a village to watch over. That was her purpose, but that faded and so did she. She ended up asleep for so long, until Mary woke her. Then she devoted herself to Mary, to the point where she forgot everything else."

"Maybe the other gods slumming it on Earth are the same," I continued. "They've lost their homes and their followers, so they've lost their purpose. Maybe I just need to commit myself to a purpose? I could be the patron goddess of trans or queer folk. Except I don't want to forget to be myself, I don't want to lose Amy Price if I end up finding meaning by being Amethyst the queer goddess."

My angel suggested, "In that case I still think you're on the right track? Keep those aspects of yourself separate. Be Amy most of the time, and only be the Goddess when you need to be. I think you're already doing a good job at being Amy, but you could stand to be a little more divine when you're my Goddess."

That made me smile. "Thanks Raven. I appreciate the talk, and your input."

"Would that bother you, by the way?" I asked. "I mean, if your goddess became the patron of trans or queer people?"

She shook her head, "It would make me very happy for you to find purpose again, and to gain more followers. An angel's strength comes from her divine master, the stronger you are the stronger I'll be."

"On the other hand," she hesitated briefly. "I'd never dare say this to the Goddess who created me, but I feel like I can ask this of you? Don't make me change my wardrobe or style, I like how I look in this shape or the other one. No rainbows or pride flags, let me stay emo and gothy and I'll be happy."

I grinned, "It's a deal."

"Maybe this is straddling the line too much," I added, "But as Amy I'd love to have you as my friend. And as Amethyst, I'd like you to help me be both. Don't let me forget who I am, don't let me forget to be Amy or Amethyst."

She gave me a funny look but nodded, "I can try and be a friend to you as Amy. You'll have to explain that to Theresa though, she seems a little jealous and I don't want anything to do with that. And yes my Goddess, I will ensure You never forget that You are both Amy and my Goddess."

With that decided, I finally felt like my stress and unease was settled. I still wasn't entirely comfortable with the worship stuff, but I knew it was necessary. And I figured I could view that as an Amethyst thing, and hopefully when I was channelling her I'd be less worried about it.

The stuff me and Tess had planned for tonight left me a bit uncomfortable as well, but if my goal was to help folks then I knew this would help too. Plus my girlfriend had been pushing for magic all along, and I wanted to make her happy.

All that was left was to head home and get ready for tonight. Tess and I would be having dinner with Jodie, and after that would be the ritual.

I picked up my empty mug as I finally got to my feet, then glanced at the half-empty bottle next to my angel and asked "Are you going to be able to teleport home ok? I'm surprised you're still upright after all that."

"I'm fine thank you Amy," Raven replied. "Alcohol doesn't affect me the way it does mortals. I appreciate the drink though, it's been nearly two centuries since I've enjoyed a good whiskey. And this is a good whiskey."