A Zoologist’s Guide to Surviving Magical Creatures

"Holy crap! We're surrounded by fire!" I yelled, instinctively stepping back, only to realize—nope, flames behind me too.

Panic gnawed at my brain, but I forced it down. Think, Carl, think. Agnos controls spirit energy, Jiuge wields fire and lightning, and Heim is all about shadows and darkness. Not a single one of them has a drop of water magic.

Fantastic. The only one who might make it out unscathed is Jiuge, considering fire is her domain. The rest of us? Toast.

"Crap," I muttered under my breath. "At this moment, I really wish I had an Unknown God buddy with water powers."

Desperation hit. I turned to Agnos. "Hand me your tea."

Agnos arched a perfect, infuriating brow. "Excuse me?"

I pointed at the thermos he was clutching like it contained the meaning of life. "Your tea! We need water to put out at least part of the fire so we can escape without becoming charred meat!"

Agnos recoiled, tightening his grip on the thermos as if I'd just asked him to donate a kidney. "Absolutely not."

"Are you serious right now?" I tried to grab it, but he twisted away, holding it protectively to his chest. "We need to put out at least part of the fire to escape without getting roasted! Jiuge can probably make it through, but the rest of us—"

Before I could wrestle the thermos out of him, Jiuge crossed her arms, tails flicking dangerously close to the flames. "What do you mean 'probably make it'? I'm not fireproof, you know! You think I can just waltz through an inferno like a summer breeze?"

"Well, can your tails not fan the flames?" I shot back.

She snapped her tails back, grumbling under her breath. Meanwhile, Heim stood there, arms crossed, looking about as helpful as a decorative gargoyle.

Agnos took a slow sip of his tea—because apparently, nearly being barbecued wasn't a reason to abandon elegance. "No way am I sacrificing my tea," he said flatly.

I stared at him. "Are you serious right now?"

Then, like a lightbulb flickering on in my head, I remembered something. Dropping my pack, I rummaged through it frantically until my fingers wrapped around a familiar shape. I yanked it out and held it up like a trophy.

Jiuge squinted at it. Heim tilted his head. Agnos took another sip of tea.

"…Is that a portable bidet?" Heim finally asked.

"Correction: a lifesaving portable bidet," I declared, twisting the nozzle and unleashing a glorious jet of water onto the nearest flames.

The fire sizzled as steam rose, parting just enough to clear a narrow path.

Silence.

Agnos, Jiuge, and Heim all stared at me, expressions ranging from disbelief to mild horror.

I shrugged. "Hey, I need water for hygiene. Turns out, it's also great for not dying in a fire."

Jiuge pinched the bridge of her nose. "You are… ridiculous."

Agnos sighed, finally setting his tea aside. "Fine. Let's go before your bidet heroics become our actual strategy."

And just like that, we ran for it.

The cloaked figure's hood tilted slightly, his posture stiffening as he watched us step out of the ring of fire unscathed. Clearly, he hadn't expected that.

Before he could process the turn of events, I barked out, "Jiuge, taze him with your lightning!"

Jiuge blinked. "Taze? What in Mythica does that even mean?"

I dragged a hand down my face. "Electrify him! Fry him! Zap him! Just attack already!"

She rolled her eyes. "Why didn't you just say that in the first place?" With a smirk, she flicked her wrist, and a crackling bolt of lightning arced through the air, slamming straight into the cloaked figure.

Or at least, that's what should've happened.

Instead, the moment her attack struck, the lantern he held flared, and a shimmering barrier erupted around him, swallowing the lightning whole. The air crackled, but the figure remained untouched.

He laughed. Loudly. Mockingly. The kind of villainous cackle that made me want to throw something at his face.

"You idiots! Did you really think we wouldn't be prepared?" His voice echoed as he raised the lantern, its eerie glow intensifying. "All your powers are useless against a God Relic!"

The moment he said that, he turned his attention back to the Bifang, who was visibly weakening under the relic's influence. The guardian bird staggered, its once-brilliant flames dimming to embers.

Crap. This guy wasn't just strong—he had an actual God Relic. We were dealing with someone who brought a cheat code to a fair fight.

I clenched my jaw. "We need to get that damn relic out of his hands."

"No kidding," Agnos deadpanned. "And how exactly do you propose we do that? The moment we attack, the lantern lights up and shields him."

He had a point. If we used magic, the relic's barrier would just keep deflecting it. That left only one option. I narrowed my eyes as an idea started forming. It was reckless, stupid, and entirely my style.

"If we can't use magic… we go back to basics."

Jiuge frowned. "Basics? What kind of basics?"

"The kind he won't expect."

Heim, arms crossed, arched a skeptical brow. "You mean a surprise attack?"

"Exactly."

He let out an unimpressed sigh. "That's the most basic surprise attack I've ever heard."

I ignored him. "Heim, I need you for this to work."

At that, he straightened slightly. "Oh?"

"Teleport me. Discreetly. Right next to him."

For a moment, Heim just stared. Then, to my surprise, he gave a small nod. "I hope you know what you're doing."

"Same," I muttered.

He placed a hand on my shoulder, and before I could even take another breath, the world shifted. A blink later, we were right beside the cloaked figure.

The guy barely spared me a glance at first, smirking as if unimpressed. But then his gaze flicked downward, and his smirk faltered. He finally realized what I was doing.

I swung my backpack.

It slammed into him with a solid THWACK.

The sheer force sent him stumbling, and most importantly—the lantern flew right out of his grasp, rolling across the ground. A loud crack echoed as it hit a rock, a visible fracture splitting across its surface.

"No—" The cloaked figure barely got the word out before I swung my backpack again. This time, he hit the ground like a sack of potatoes.

Silence.

I stood over him, adjusting the straps of my trusty, overstuffed backpack. "There. Your God Relic's useless now against the power of pure physical violence."

Jiuge, who had been watching with wide eyes, actually stopped swishing her tails. "That… was unexpectedly effective."

Agnos chuckled, clearly entertained. "And people say Carl isn't resourceful."

And then there was Heim.

For the first time ever, I saw something flicker across his normally blank face—mild, hesitant, almost reluctant impression.

Then, to my utter shock, he clapped. Once. Twice.

"Impressive," he muttered, still looking slightly in disbelief.

I grinned. "Damn right it was."

And just like that, we won.