1st in class hides regression

“My words are not a curse; they are a prophecy. Please think and live, because some choices you make will affect you for the rest of your life.” 

Wow. That’s scary.

 

At twenty-nine years old, I’m still scared of a bully like Song Yeo-reum. I can’t blame any of the other kids for not standing up to her.

 

I secretly wiped my sweaty hands on my skirt.

 

It rattled.

 

‘You can’t ignore the atmosphere.’

 

I know they’re not gangsters, they’re not tycoons, they’re just a bunch of high school kids, they’re nothing, but the fact that they’re in a group together, in a school, scares me.

 

I clench my trembling hands and force my chin up.

 “You think this is going to last forever, don’t you? In just one year, they’ll all be too busy studying to pay attention to you.” 

By then, the mood won’t be on your side, and you’ll be swept away, and you’ll be wandering around until two in the morning in study halls and reading rooms, thinking you’re going to college.

 

But by the time you regret it, it’s too late.

 

That college kid who shamelessly stuck his head in your face on graduation day and giggled as he cracked eggs into your pregnant young girlfriend’s belly?

 

He ran off to the army three months after the baby was born.

 

You raised that kid on your own. He didn’t even get into the college he was accepted to.

 

He cut off all contact with the kids, but he still heard about it.

 

I’m sorry I can’t spoil this one for you.

 “You don’t even touch your dog when you eat, and you want to do that to a kid who just went to the nurse’s office this morning, please get a grip.” 

At that point, Song Yeo-reum’s expression was truly murderous.

 “Wah…” 

After spitting out a laugh at the ceiling, Yeo-reumlooked at me.

 “Hey, you’re not going to make it.” 

When she raised her hand, Do-yeon stood up from her seat.

 “Stop.” 

As if waiting, Song Yeo-reum pushed Do-yeon’s shoulder.

 “Don’t you see what you’ve been doing all this time, shutting your mouth and not saying a word, and now that there’s a little brat on your side, you don’t see anything?” 

She must have had a rag in her mouth…

 

After being insulted, Song Yeo-reum raised her hand again.

 

But…

 “Hey, stop it.” 

This time, it was Seo Jae-gyeom.

 

Seo Jae-gyeom, who was sitting with his friends by the window, walked over. He stepped in between me and Song Yeo-reum and forcefully grabbed Song Yeo-reum’s raised hand and pulled it down. His expression was full of annoyance.

 “Song Yeo-reum. I don’t like noisy people when I eat.” “Did I make noise, Kang Dahye…!” “Yes. So be quiet.” “No, it was Kang Dahye!” “It’s loud.” “Aish….” “Whatever.” 

He’s not trying to take anyone’s side or stop her, but he just seemed really annoyed.

 

Song Yeo-reum couldn’t say anything but curse at Seo Jae-gyeom’s tired attitude.

 

Do-yeon sighed at the sight, picked up her barely eaten plate, and quickly left. I quickly followed her.

 “Hey, where are you guys…!” “Song Yeo-reum. I asked for some quiet.” “Seo Jae-gyeom, why are you interrupting us?” “Because you’re loud.” 

Boys and girls alike can’t move in front of Seo Jae-gyeom. I don’t know what was going on (probably just the noise), but I’m glad he stood up for me.

 

As I leave the cafeteria, I make eye contact with Jisoo and mouthed the words.

 “Sorry! I’ll buy you chocolate milk later, I promise!” 

Do-yeon and I came to a rattan bench in the middle of the playground… not a bench, just a stand.

 

Do-yeon was heading to the bench, but when she saw the kids gathered there, she turned around and sat on the stand.

 

I followed her and sat down next to her.

 

Without even looking in my direction, Do-yeon said,

“Do you know what I hate the most about eating alone?” “What is it?” “The kids watching.” “Oh.” “It’s like eating with a sign that says I’m bullied and have no friends.” “…….” “Why did you help me?”

Do-yeon looked at me,

“Why did you help me when you could have been targeted like me if you took the wrong step?” 

I rolled my eyes.

 “…Because it’s good for me?” 

Because I’m going to be really unhappy for the next 11 years?

 

So, I’ve been wondering if I’ve done something wrong to get this karma.

 

I was wondering if I had sinned, and I was paying for it.

 

And the first thing I thought of was your name.

 

I always regretted that I didn’t take your side.

 

God or something must have sent me back in time to be a good person…

 “I’m not going to do anything I’ll regret.” “What?” 

Do-yeon made a face, not understanding.

 “Nothing. Um… there’s no big reason, I just did it because it’s the right thing to do.” 

I looked at Do-yeon’s face as she died two months later.

 

I survived and turned twenty-nine but Do-yeon is forever stuck at eighteen.

 

Because none of us had the courage.

 

If just one of us had acted differently, it might have changed everything.

 “I’m sorry I stood up for you so late. I’m sorry for knowing what was right and what was wrong, but I was too scared to look away.” 

I apologized for being oblivious to her pain, an apology that was long overdue.

 

Do-yeon, who was staring at me, asked,

 “Why are you crying?” “Just… I’m sorry.” “Did you kick me out? Why are you sorry?” “I’m sure all the kids are sorry for you.” “I don’t think so.” 

Seeing me snorting, Do-yeon pulled a tissue out of her pocket and handed it to me. I made a sniffing sound and took the tissue.

 

I’m not regressive. Crying in front of someone 11 years younger.

 “Not all kids think like you, Kang Dahye. There are some who deliberately hit my shoulder when we pass each other in the hallway, even though they don’t have any contact with me. Ever since I became “the one”.” “Ugh… what? Are they crazy?” “It’s just that I don’t want to look at her, and she’s in a bad mood.” “Did you ever think about reporting it for abuse, like… Song and them?” 

Did she say her mom was a prosecutor or a judge? Either way, I know she’s in the legal profession.

 

I found out when the police came to the school after Do-yeon died.

 

But Do-yeon shook her head.

 “I don’t want to disappoint my parents.” “I’m sure they won’t be disappointed.” “I know, but I just don’t want to tell them that their proud daughter doesn’t fit in at school. That she’s stuck out like a sore thumb when everyone else is getting along. How do I tell her?” “I understand.” 

I’ve felt similarly.

 

Everyone else got in, but her daughter failed again.

 

I’ve felt like I couldn’t do what everyone else could do, and it’s hard not to be speechless.

 “But, Do-Yeon, it’s not your fault.” “…….” “You didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re just a kid who was wronged.” “…….” “You don’t have to thank me for sticking up for you today. I did what I had to do. You don’t have to look up to me, you don’t have to do things you don’t want to do because of me.” “…Like what?” “Um…. If I ask you to lend me your shoes, and you don’t want to lend them…, but you’re afraid I won’t be friends with you if you don’t, do you force yourself to lend them.” “You heard about that.” 

I was criticized for refusing to lend her my shoes. Do-yeon laughed. I laughed between crying and laughing.

 “No, I can ask for a loan, but if you refuse, I have to accept it and walk away. That’s not fair.” “That’s what I’m saying, they sound like a real beggar.” “If a real beggar like me can get away with it, what’s he doing?” 

I don’t ask people to borrow things. If I borrow something and lose it, I don’t have the money to pay for it. As we giggled and talked, the sun shone down on me and Do-yeon.

 

It was still chilly, but it was sure to warm up soon.

 “I don’t want them to see me eat alone.” “But you’re not starving, you come down to eat every time, so you’ve already won that battle.” “Why would I starve? Who cares?” “That’s right!” “I’m not dating you.” “Oh, of course you are! Are you crazy?” “I have plenty of clothes. Let me know if you want to borrow them later.” “It’s okay, I have a school uniform.” “Do you wear your uniform when you go out after school?” “Uh, I’m stuffed in my school uniform.” “Our uniforms aren’t pretty.” “Well, we paid for it, but we only get to wear it for three years. We should get rid of it.” “Three years is a lot of wear, isn’t it?” “I’m still wearing the same bag I wore in elementary school.” “…When’s your birthday? I’ll buy you a bag for your birthday. I’ll buy you two.” 

Do-yeon declared.

 

That was Woo Do-yeon’s way of saying thank you.

 

* * *

 “Math next period, right?” “Yep. We’re both in A class, so we can take our books together.” “Okay.” “But Do-yeon, I think I might drop to a C class in the second semester…” “Don’t be ridiculous, you’re top of the class.” “For now.” 

As we walked down the hallway chatting casually, stares rained down on me and Do-yeon.

 

I ignored them, smiled more brightly on purpose, and opened the door to the first classroom for math A.

 

I walked in and made eye contact with Seo Jae-gyeom, who was sitting at Jisoo’s desk, smiling down at Jisoo as he did his homework.