Submission IV: A Love that Circled Back [BL]

Chapter 20 – “fairness means giving back what you owe”
This kiss was hurried yet with determination, bitter yet sweet. He knew this behaviour was somewhat shameful, but his body moved as if under a spell. It was as uncontrollable as the heart which was about to leap out. He even felt a dangerous sort of hope rising in him – if Shen Liu woke up in this moment... he could end it all and stop hiding.
But Shen Liu lay in a deep sleep, his chest gently rising and falling. His breath was tinged with the scent of alcohol.
Qin Mu breathed a sigh of both disappointment and relief, tasting over again the kiss that left him wanting more. Carefully, he lay down next to Shen Liu. He intended to lie for a little while before moving to the sofa, but before he knew it, he had fallen asleep. The next morning, when Shen Liu was woken by a need to pee, he was caught red-handed. Before he got the chance to blush and stammer out an explanation, the man pressed him back down against the pillow, “You haven’t rested enough. Get some more sleep. I’ll go grab breakfast.”
Qin Mu buried himself underneath the quilt and breathed a sigh. His ulterior motive grew inside him like a hidden gremlin, but now he didn’t know what to do with it.
Apart from the rough and trying road of love that he was on, he was also worried about his living expenses.
His excellent examination results meant that K Uni waived all four years of his tuition fee. But he ⊛ Nоvеlιght ⊛ (Read the full story) didn’t meet the criteria for “financial hardship” of low-income households, and therefore couldn’t apply for any financial aid, so he had to cover all his living expenses himself. He wasted none of the time before semester began and found a few short-term jobs. During the day, he worked at a café, and at night at an internet café. Two times a week, he found time in the evening to tutor the neighbour’s daughter in English. Although he spent the entire holiday in a state of non-stop work, and often he was worn down to his bones, he was happy and reluctant to see it end. In his heart, he had quietly marked these as the “last moments” he was to have with Shen Liu. Though Shen Liu was willing to let him stay on, Qin Mu had insisted on moving into the dorms. He couldn’t allow the gremlin within him to grow any larger.
On the night before he was to move away, Shen Liu gifted him a mobile phone. It was the same model as his own. Qin Mu accepted. For a long time afterwards, the Nokia slide phone had only one number saved in it. Shen Liu also handed him 30000 in cash, saying that it was from Qin Aihua and Zhen Yan. Since Qin Mu had refused to return home and refused to meet them, the two of them had no choice but to pass it on through Shen Liu.
The day he moved into the dorms, Shen Liu helped him settle in, took him to get his student card and internet set up, showed him the library, the cafeteria and every corner of K Uni. As they walked along the small paths under the shade of trees, Qin Mu fought to hold back the words of regret he wanted to utter.
He finally left Shen Liu.
At first, the feeling that he couldn’t adjust was overwhelming. But his classmates and roommates were friendly, and gradually he started to fit in. Military training*, lectures, part-time work on campus, student clubs, volunteer groups… With the help of Feiyan and others, slowly, slowly, Qin Mu stepped into a brand new campus life and built a social circle of his own. Neither did he let his academics slip, and his results were consistently excellent.
Shen Liu had intentionally wanted to nurture Qin Mu’s independence and rarely disturbed him. The two met less and less often, but kept in touch through text messages. Every day, they greeted each other in the morning and in the evening, sharing interesting tidbits of their day, and sometimes met in the cafeteria to share a meal. Qin Mu had initially thought that by separating, the feelings he had would fade away, but instead, he couldn’t help but miss Shen Liu.
At Christmas, Shen Liu invited him over for a celebration at his small apartment. Qin Mu had gone on a detour to pick up a cake and so arrived late. Upon opening the door, he found a room full of people. To the left of Shen Liu sat a pretty-looking girl; the right was empty. Feiyan dragged him over and sat him in the empty seat. She threw him a mischievous look and whispered, “That over there is Shen Liu’s rumoured girlfriend. The beauty queen of the Economics Faculty.”
Qin Mu felt as if someone had poured a bucket of ice water over his head. From inside to out, he was frozen over. He stiffly smiled, “Very pretty.” After that, he absentmindedly downed drink after drink as if he were in a trance. All he swallowed was bitterness. His own loneliness twisted the liveliness around him into disjointed images; in his mind, fragments of memories flickered about like a spinning lantern. He always knew one day Shen Liu would have a girlfriend, and he knew he had no right to be jealous. But emotions and rational thinking were two different things; he simply wasn’t able to keep his heart quiet and steady.
As everyone started to get tipsy, they started to joke about. They teased the girl by calling her “sister-in-law” and were pressuring Shen Liu to take drinks for her. Shen Liu cussed, “Get lost. This precious body of your old man hasn’t been well lately. I’m not handling all that.”
“Your hand still not better?” Glasses asked.
Qin Mu was slightly shocked, “What’s wrong with your hand?”
Chubby raced to reply, “Showing off! He blocked a ball he knew he obviously couldn’t block. He got slammed way out. His hand was wrecked.”
Shen Liu hadn’t mentioned a word of this to him. Qin Mu felt an inexplicable muted anger and frowned.
“It’s just a sprain. It’ll be fine in a few days.” Shen Liu brushed it off, and he took a quick glance at Qin Mu’s glass, “Isn’t it time you put down the glass?”  
Qin Mu didn’t say anything.
“Why are you bossing him around?” The girl interrupted with a smile.
Out of habit, Shen Liu rested his arm on the back of Qin Mu’s chair. He tilted his head and said, “I’m his big brother.”
The only feelings bubbling about in Qin Mu’s heart were bitter; they were impossible to keep down. Stiffly, he smiled and raised his glass, “A toast from this little brother to his sister-in-law.”
The people around started cheering and teasing. The girl blushed and said, “Why you all picking on me?”

Shen Liu raised an eyebrow, coldly staring at Qin Mu, “Put it down.”
The mood was instantly awkward.
Qin Mu didn’t move. His heart ached painfully. He thought, “For the sake of protecting her, you won’t even let me save this small bit of face?”
Seeing that the mood was getting more tense, the girl tried to smooth things over, “It’s not that I don’t want to drink, I just really can’t handle much… Can I just drink half?” Without a second word, Shen Liu took the glass in her hand and downed it in one, leaving Qin Mu hanging on the side.
“Ah, a Black Knight!” Seeing the tension getting worse, Chubby jumped in to rescue the situation, “Come on, come on, who’s ready for a round of drinking games? Lose, and you down this glass.”
Glasses caught on and quickly added, “Who needs alcohol? If you’ve got the guts, then down this entire bowl of spicy soup.”
“Oh yeah? Let’s go. Who’s afraid of who!”
And the table was lively again.
Qin Mu sat there helplessly.
He could feel that Shen Liu was angry.
This sensation was entirely foreign to him. Shen Liu had never been angry with him before, so now, he had absolutely no idea how to respond. After hesitating for a little bit, he carefully set the glass back down.
Shen Liu got up and walked out. He wanted to follow, but the girl had followed him out first. All he could do was sit there in dejection.
Feiyan patted him on his shoulder, “Just ignore him. His temper’s all up. We’ll do us.”
After another seven or eight rounds, Qin Mu was finally drunk, as he had wished. He was dizzy and tired. As he was about to take his leave, Feiyan yanked him into the circle of drinking games, not letting him say no.
Truth or dare. The empty beer bottle kept spinning and spinning, landing on everyone but him. Qin Mu felt that he was like a ghost that no one took notice of. He could see all the laughter and joy of the world, but he could not touch it, could not reach it. He was entirely cut off. In the latest round, Shen Liu’s rumoured girlfriend had chosen “dare” and drew the “French kiss” card. Then, by an odd twist of fate, the bottle spun past Shen Liu and pointed at a crooked angle at Qin Mu.
This strange combination left everyone speechless.
Qin Mu was already drunk to the point of being somewhat vacant. His eyes stared blankly at the bottle, as if trying to figure out the mechanics of its spin and the odds of being chosen.
The girl asked awkwardly, “Any Black Knight to the rescue?”
Shen Liu tossed aside the apple he had taken two bites out of and stood up. Chubby whistled.
“Hey, one sec.” Feiyan intentionally stirred the pot further, “She drew ‘French kiss’. So if you’re gonna kiss, make it wet. Otherwise, chug that bottle of beer.”
Everyone thought Shen Liu was going to take the option of chugging the beer, including Qin Mu. It wasn’t until Shen Liu was half-kneeling and holding the back of his neck that he sensed something wasn’t right. Before he could react, those lips pressed firmly and forcefully against his.
It seemed like a massive avalanche had just erupted in Qin Mu’s mind; his rational mind crashed and collapsed in a heap, shattering everywhere. He couldn’t tell if he was awake or dreaming. The man held the line of his jaw, half-coercing him to open his mouth. Lips and tongue tangled together, moisture and saliva mingled together, making shameful sounds.
Amid everyone’s stunned silence, Chubby trembled out a curse, “Fuck…”
A jolt of shock ran across Qin Mu’s scalp, and he shoved Shen Liu off.
“Satisfied?” Shen Liu wiped the corner of his mouth with his fingers. His words were directed at Feiyan, but he stared unwaveringly at Qin Mu.
Having just witnessed a tantalising and sensual live-action scene, Feiyan, the host, swallowed and said, “… satisfied.”
“If you’re satisfied, then it’s time to go. It’s late.” The apartment owner kicked everyone out suddenly without mercy.
His face and ears blushing entirely red, Qin Mu couldn’t get a word out. His heart was racing so fast it was about to go off the rails. All he wanted to do was run away. But his hands and feet wouldn’t listen to him. He staggered about, unable to walk a straight line, nearly knocking over the coffee table. Shen Liu held onto his arm, saying, “You, stay.”
Qin Mu tried to struggle free, but he seemed to pull on Shen Liu’s injury. He heard the man draw a sharp breath. Qin Mu immediately stopped moving.
The atmosphere was way too strange. The audience no longer dared to linger about, running off as fast as they could. Chubby sobered up instantly. Glasses didn’t even need his thick-lensed glasses. The two of them leaned against each other and rushed out the door. Feiyan and others seemed to be competing in some “who can dress the fastest” contest, running out as they were still putting on their down jackets. The rumoured girlfriend, meanwhile, stormed off without a word and disappeared.
Within three minutes, only Shen Liu and Qin Mu were left behind. The room seemed particularly empty.  
Tonight, Qin Mu had first swallowed a whole jar of jealousy, then tossed back a belly full of alcohol, then, inexplicably, Shen Liu had given him the cold shoulder, and then again inexplicably, he was forcibly kissed. His emotions were thrown about this way and that, and he could no longer hold in his temper. He turned a cold face and mocked, “You’re not going to send off sister-in-law?”
Shen Liu gave him a hard push and pinned him against the wall, “I let you run about for a few days, and you’re already misbehaving. Itching for trouble, are we?”
Qin Mu was dizzy and irritated, “If you don’t let go, don’t blame me if you’re arm breaks.”
Shen Liu pressed his chest against him, deliberately using his injured right hand to push against Qin Mu’s wrist, smiling, “Here’s an opportunity. Come on.”
“…crazy.” Even though he was in a drunken haze, Qin Mu still remembered not to touch his injury and let himself be pinned against the wall, unable to move. He muttered, “Can you cut it out already?”
Shen Liu was pressed so close to him. The deep darkness of his eyes reflected tiny flecks of the lamp’s light. He smiled and said, “You’re angry?”
“If you don’t want her to kiss me, just say so. Why all this…”  Qin Mu couldn’t continue. He lowered his eyes, avoiding his gaze.
“Our most dignified student of law, has he not been taught that fairness means giving back what you owe?” Shen Liu innocently tugged the corner of his mouth, “The kiss you stole from me while I was drunk, should I not be allowed to get that back?”
The strings of Qin Mu’s heart tremored. His eyes opened wide in disbelief.
... he knew?
... he always knew?
Qin Mu was in complete panic. His whole body burned with embarrassment. Like a thief cornered in a dead-end alley, he had no other option but to give in or to fight back.
But his opponent was Shen Liu. Once he made his move, he wasn’t going to let Qin Mu escape. “You’re right, I don’t want her to kiss you.” He leaned against the side of Qin Mu’s neck and gently kissed it, “My own child bride that I have raised so carefully for so long, in what world would I let anyone else kiss him?”
The tingling and itchy feeling sent a stiff shiver through Qin Mu. He felt that he was quite truly drunk, so drunk that he started to have some bizarre erotic dream. A dream so unreal that reality was turned on its head.
But he had no wish to wake up.
He heard the words he had longed to hear from the person he had loved for so long. Whether it was real or not, it no longer mattered.
Seeing his thoroughly amusing reaction, Shen Liu cupped Qin Mu’s face between his hands and squeezed it, “Are you really a piece of wood?”
Qin Mu stared blankly at him for a moment, then silently raised his arms and hugged him. He held him very tightly, as if afraid of losing something precious, keeping him firmly locked within his arms.
“Hey, little dummy, take it easy. You’re gonna make me throw up.” Shen Liu said with a helpless air, “Go lie down for a bit first. Let me clean up all this mess…”
But Qin Mu wouldn’t let go.
“… never mind.” With Qin Mu still in his arms, Shen Liu led them onto the bed.
 
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Translator’s Note:
A small period of military training is compulsory throughout middle school, high school and university every year in China.