NOVEL NEXT vol. 1 chapter 17 - “He was holding out, waiting for the day he’d come of age”
Chapter 17 – “He was holding out, waiting for the day he’d come of age”
His ❀ Nоvеlігht ❀ (Don’t copy, read here) request to change legal guardians was once again rejected, and Qin Mu was taken home by his parents.
Shen Liu visited him at home several times.
The Qin household was filled with a sort of rigid harmony.
In the defendant’s seats, Qin Aihua and Zheng Yan had watched their son stand before the court and recount his ordeal in a voice that trembled despite his effort to control it. Only then did they begin to believe him, even if not completely. They lowered their heads and belatedly felt a sense of regret.
At the very least, their son had returned. On the one hand, the pair of them wanted to repair the fragile bond they held with their son; on the other, they tried to ease the guilt they felt in their hearts, and so their attitude had much improved. Zheng Yan ceased her constant berating and grumblings around the house, and Qin Aihua no longer pulled his trademark cold face. For the first time in their marriage, they managed to set their differences aside and held onto each other’s hand, so they could build a “harmonious and loving” home atmosphere. They treated Qin Mu with an attitude of awkward, inexperienced cautiousness, carefully catering to his emotions. They never mentioned the events of the past, no longer interfered with or tried to manage his life, and steered clear of any talk regarding his sexuality. Yet the deliberateness of their behaviour made it all the more unnatural.
What they didn’t seem to understand was why Qin Mu refused to play along or respond to their efforts. This son, whom they lost and found again, lived like a polite but distant tenant. Deliberately, he avoided any contact with them. Apart from meal times, he either kept to himself in his room or went to the library. When he came and left home, he greeted them, when he finished his meal, he washed the dishes, when he cleaned his room, he did his own laundry. He neither showed nor expressed any affection towards them, said not a single extra word, and never smiled.
Qin Aihua and Zheng Yan couldn’t make sense of Qin Mu’s attitude. But Shen Liu could. His own relationship with Shen Lan also gradually became estranged in the same manner.
The feelings of a child are, by nature, delicate and fragile, like fine porcelain that must be handled with the utmost care. Yet, so many parents pay no mind. All the time, they wield the hammer of self-assured arrogance that “I know best” and shatter it all to shards and dust, then turn around and blame the child for being too sensitive, for caring too much, for taking things too personally, for being hurt too easily. Qin Mu had lost all trust in his parents. This relationship between parent and child had long been dead in all but name.
Each week, Shen Liu would pick Qin Mu up and take him to see his psychologist. He knew that Qin Mu was eager to attend K Uni, so he often took him around the campus, either to hang out at the library or to sneak into some interesting lecture, doing whatever he could to rekindle Qin Mu’s enthusiasm for life.
Qin Mu also worked hard at getting better. He took his medication on time and forced himself to live a routine life as per the instructions of his doctor. Each day he woke up early to exercise, and in the evening he would go for a run. He exhausted his body so that he was too tired to let his mind spiral, trying to thus overcome his insomnia. He was holding out, waiting for the day he’d come of age.
And so, the three members of the Qin household lived like the “crown shy” plants of a jungle, drawing an invisible, inviolable boundary between themselves and the other, creating a weird sort of harmony.
This façade of peaceful winds and calm waves lasted until Qin Mu’s eighteenth birthday.
Qin Aihua had gone out of his way to buy him a very expensive pair of sneakers, finding out for the first time his own son’s shoe size. Zheng Yan ordered a twelve-inch cream cake and made a table full of Qin Mu’s favourite food. The two were afraid the mood would be too quiet and suggested he invite some friends over to liven things up.
At dinner time, the only guest, Shen Liu, arrived. He had come on purpose, knowing what Qin Mu intended to do.
The meal was like the lull before a storm, filled with a fearful quiet. Once everyone laid down their chopsticks, Qin Mu placed a brown paper bag on the table and slowly began to speak, “Dad, Mum, as of today, I have become an adult. I have decided to live on my own from now on. I have already found a place to stay, I have already packed, and I will be moving out tonight. These are the damages I received from the lawsuit. I don’t have an income at the moment, and I will likely need money to live on my own, so I’ve taken 5000 from it, the remaining 30000 I’m giving to you. They say that the debt of parental nurture cannot be measured with money, but this is all I am capable of at the moment. Once I have a job, I will send money on a regular basis. I can’t predict exactly how much right now, but I won’t go back on my word.”
“What did you say? Where are you going?” Zheng Yan stared wide-eyed in disbelief. She stammered, “You… you’re moving out?”
“Yes.” Qin Mu answered unhesitatingly.
The face of Qin Aihua did not look pretty. He looked straight at his son and asked, “What are you trying to do now? Start trouble?! What you suffered at that school, are we the only ones to blame? If you had focused properly on your studies and not caused all that disgusting homosexual nonsense, your mother would have never desperately sent you there as a last resort. Her intention was for your own good, wasn’t it?!” The more he spoke, the more angry he got, “What child doesn’t grow up being punished and hit? And, it was neither your mother nor me who hit you or shouted at you. Did you really have to sue us in court before you felt satisfied?! You wanted to sue, fine, sue us. But since you’ve been back, have we not been walking on eggshells around you, playing it safe around your every mood? We’ve practically treated you like a deity, and you’re still dissatisfied? What child from other families is like you, treating your own parents like enemies, not bothering to say a single word? Tell me, what child from what family threatens their parents willy-nilly with leaving home? You listen to others talk a few times, and you want to run away? How capable do you really think you are? Do you really think you’ll amount to something by following them?! “ This time, Qin Aihua included Shen Liu in his tirade.
Shen Liu lifted his eyebrows in displeasure, but forced down the sarcastic retort in his throat. He was not the type of person to be gentle with his words. But before stepping inside the door, Qin Mu told him that he wanted to handle whatever happened on his own, so he swallowed it down and accepted the accusation of being the “instigator”.
“Bullshit! We raised you, and now you’re acting like we’re trying to get something out of you?!” Qin Aihua slammed the table in anger. The dishes shook and clattered.
Qin Mu raised his eyes and looked at him, “Since you mention it, then we might as well lay it all out. From the moment I was able to understand this world, I have tried to live according to your requirements. I was scared of your arguing, your silent wars, your dish smashing. Every day, I lived in constant fear. I put everything into my studies because when I got good grades, Mum would be happy, and the tension at home would be a little better. I did everything as I was told. I wasn’t allowed to have friends, so I didn’t. I wasn’t allowed to read any books outside the curriculum, so I didn’t. I wasn’t allowed to listen to music, so I didn’t. This was the way I tried to please you. I was supposed to be the perfect creation sculpted by ‘motherly love’. But unfortunately, something went wrong with this creation.” Upon his lap, his fingers clenched tightly, trembling ever so slightly from the strain. He suppressed with every effort all his emotions, maintaining a controlled tone in his voice, “In your eyes, my sexual orientation is a stain that cannot be washed away, so I was thrown away as a defective product. In that hell, I asked myself, over and over, who am I? Who exactly should I be? Later, I finally understood. What my mother loves, wants is but a fake illusion. It is not me, but the projection of a failed life she so desperately wants to salvage. But I can’t bring myself to hate her. Because I know why she became this way, I know who made her this way.”
His gaze shifted and rested on Qin Aihua. His breath quickened, and the corners of his eyes were a suppressed red. “I remember when I was in primary school, I had to write an essay called ‘My Father’. I held onto my pen for a long time, but I couldn’t write a single word. Because in my mind, I could only picture my dad sitting in front of the TV, with his legs crossed, drinking alcohol, eating peanuts. But I still got a high score on that essay, because I wrote about the father I dreamt of, a father who would take me on excursions, play ball with me, a father who would care for me, protect me. I never understood why you’d rather exhaust yourself fighting and arguing rather than help with any chore? Why you placed all the weight of daily life on her shoulders? Why you never asked after me, ever? Even more so, I couldn’t understand why you had me when you never liked children? Since there was no love, why didn’t you divorce? Later, I understood. Because you wanted to ‘save face’. A wife. A son. You were afraid that others would look down on you if you lacked either. When you compliment the child of another family, should you not first look inside yourself and measure yourself against other fathers far more worthy?”
“You! You… ungrateful little shit!” Qin Aihua was furious. He stood up and swung his hand, preparing to slap Qin Mu.
Qin Mu didn’t move. His hand clenched in a fist. In that moment, he felt a sudden weight lift off his shoulders.
He thought, hit me then, it’s not so bad.
But before the slap landed, Shen Liu caught it and gripped it tightly. Shen Liu spoke with a cold face, “If you have something to say, then say it. If you’re going to throw hands, then I won’t be polite either.”
“Who the fuck do you think you are!” Qin Aihua tried to shake him off with force, but he wasn’t as strong as the younger man and failed. His face flushed red, and he gritted his teeth, “Let go!”
Shen Liu forced him back with a hard push and released him. Qin Aihua tumbled back into his chair. Humiliated and twisted with anger, he shouted, “Get out! You wanna leave? Then get lost! I’ll treat it as I’ve never had you as my son!”
Qin Mu stood up. Zheng Yan threw herself at him and grabbed his arm, crying, “No! I won’t allow it! You can’t move out. You’re still so young. There’s no way you can live by yourself! Can’t you stay at home? Please? From now on, whatever you want to do, just do it, mummy won’t interfere any more. How’s that? Yes? Everything I have done has been for you… Really, everything has been for your own good…”
As she shook Qin Mu, he lowered his eyes, and in them seemed to be nothing, like two vague circles of emptiness. “You say everything was for my own good. Then how come I didn’t get any better? Every time, you torment me in the name of that banner. Do you not think it cruel? I will never become the son you want me to be. If you are still unsatisfied, let me return this life to you.” He picked up the fruit knife from the table and gripped it.
Shen Liu seized his wrist and lowered his voice, “Qin Mu, don’t do anything stupid. Let go!”
The sharp edge of the knife glistened silver.
Qin Mu stared at Zheng Yan and asked, “Do you want it?”
Zheng Yan was terrified. She shook her head as she trembled and cried, “Put it down… Put it down…”
Qin Mu loosened his grip, and the fruit knife dropped to the floor. Zheng Yan collapsed onto her knees and started sobbing loudly.
“Crazy! You’re all crazy!” Qin Aihua stormed out, slamming the door.
Qin Mu silently returned to his room and carried the packed suitcase out. He left amid the sound of Zheng Yan’s sobbing.
Shen Liu helped him load the suitcase into the taxi. He noticed that Qin Mu kept staring at the window. He patted his shoulder and said, “Don’t worry. Let me go back and have a quick word.”
He went back inside and crouched down in front of Zheng Yan, who was still sobbing, and said, “Auntie. He was locked in there for a long time, and it’s affected him mentally. The doctor has also suggested a change of environment for him, so moving out isn’t a bad thing. I will take care of him. You don’t need to worry. Some things will take time to mend. Your relationship with your son is not beyond repair. But you need to be patient for now. Let him heal his wounds first.” He wrote down a permanent phone number and gave it to her, “This is my contact. You can call me if anything comes up.”
Zheng Yan nodded weakly, wiped her tears and took the number. Only then did Shen Liu feel reassured enough to leave.
The car engine revved, and that familiar window grew smaller and smaller in the rearview mirror. Qin Mu seemed to see a silent boy standing at the window, staring back at him with sorrow.
It was his younger self bidding him farewell.
On the day he came of age, Qin Mu cut all ties with his birth family and embarked on a road of his own. From then on, he had the right to make his own choices and to bear the full responsibility of all consequences.
It was good that he was not lonely. He still had Shen Liu by his side.
Qin Mu didn’t bring much with him, just some books and a few changes of clothes. Shen Liu had provided for all his daily necessities. Qin Mu said he wanted to repay him, but Shen Liu replied dismissively, “That money of yours, is it enough to cover all your school fees and living costs?”
Qin Mu had no choice but to give in and quietly jotted down a record of every expense. He planned to return to school once the term began. Shen Liu was worried that if he went back to his former school, he’d be discriminated against and advised him to transfer.
“K High has really good teachers, facilities, and the university admission rate is high too. It’s one of the best high schools in K city. Besides, I’m used to the way they teach.” He sat on the carpet and flipped through a maths textbook, saying, “You can’t keep a lid on these things forever. Even if I change schools, the news that I’m gay will eventually spread there too. No matter where I hide, people will point fingers. I’ll just ignore it. It doesn’t matter.”
Shen Liu was leaning against the sofa and doing some last-minute calculus study. He teased, “How open-minded of you. Little Woodsy. After missing so many classes, you think you can keep up? Shall gege give you some tutoring, hm?”
Qin Mu gave him a side-eye, “Can you take a shower first? You stink of sweat.”
“Tsk! Getting cocky, are we? You dare look down on your ge! Watch my Hong Kong Shadow Kick*!” Shen Liu raised his leg and nudged it closer.
Qin Mu batted it away with one hand and played along with the joke, “‘Ten slaps’* of Dragon Subduing. Another nine to go.”
Shen Liu was now in full playful mood. He hooked his arm around Qin Mu’s neck, “Ultimate Trap Hand.”
Qin Mu grabbed onto his arm tightly, his voice trembling, “…. Let go.”
Shen Liu didn’t move. Qin Mu struggled with force and then slammed him into the sofa. Once he caught his breath, he lowered his head and muttered, “Sorry”.
“What’s there to be sorry about?” Shen Liu said nonchalantly, “Last time you slapped me back. But you held back this time. It’s progress.”
Feeling bad, Qin Mu tried to ease the tension and smiled, “What do you want to eat? I’ll go make it.”
“Three dice stir fry then.”
Shen Liu waited until Qin Mu entered the kitchen before rubbing against the sore spot that he had just hurt on the back of his head, sighing, “Puffing up all the time. Little pets sure aren’t easy to keep.”
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Translator’s Note:
1. Names of fantastical martial arts moves made popular by Hong Kong Kungfu cinema and the genre of Wuxia literature. The several moves named here originate from popular Wuxia writer, Jin Yong.
2. Original name of this move is Eighteen Palms of Dragon Subduing. Qin Mu is making a pun and changed “eighteen palms” to “ten slaps”.